heartbrokenK

My husband is a functional addict in denial. I have been to alanon (but it's been awhile) and I am reading co-dependent no more. I am trying very hard to think of myself and my wants and needs but I am finding it very difficult to detach with love. Most of the time I feel angry which I know only hurts me. I try to avoid my husband while he's using. I just also feel resentful that I feel like a married single mother! Any suggestions?

dandylion

Heartbroken--I think it is normal to feel anger in your situation.

Don't worry about detachment with love (at this time). Detaching, itself, is the important thing.

These definitions are often confusing and may be difficult to wrap one's head around--especially in the beginning.

Some people never get to "detachment with love". Sometimes, detachment without consuming hatred is all that can be managed. LOL.

dandylion

fbw

Heartbroken - I do not have an answer for you. I do also feel like a married single mom
hugs

choublak

Among the Al-Anon meetings I've been to, if I had a dime for every time I heard someone say, "oh, I'm detaching, but not with love"...

SeriousKarma

Just this week, at my Alanon meeting, the subject of detachment came up. Someone there was having issues with the concept. She wanted to detach her qualifier's head from his shoulders with a frying pan.... with love. We decided to re-read the little flyer/bookmark that Alanon passes out regarding detachment, when something interesting occurred to me:

Even though english is my first language, and I'm a fairly literate person, the first time I read that little flyer, years ago, I could have sworn it was written in a strange cryptic foreign language. The mere concept of loving detachment seemed so shrouded in mystery. I thought surely the Dalai Lama and Mr. Rubik themselves couldn't figure it out.

Now, hearing it read again years later, it makes sense. I'm not saying I've "mastered" it, but at least I understand it.

How I got from there to here? Time, Alanon, and prayer.

Maybe you should think about going back to regular meetings.

irisgardens

SeriousKarma...awesome post...I, too, have had those experiences with alanon and the different things I have tried to do...wow...and then...i will go back...after years...as I have been doing this for a long time now...and see something new or something that made no sense to me. I know the words didn't change so it must have been me...and those moments give me tremendous joy. They don't happen often enough but when they do...oh boy!

schnappi99

I've done the married single husband gig, and a big codie too. Anger and resentment are big issues for me also, I've been pushing to 2 alanon mtgs per week, got a sponsor and am working on my 4th step. From AA speaker recordings, they value "desperation" ie an absolute commitment to recovery so I'm trying to bring as much of that as I can because my codie voice is with me always.

I was full of resentment for a number of AW's actions (turns out I've contributed many of my own). The 1st 3 steps seem to be the key for me- yes all that bad stuff happened but the question is what to do now. Thankfully she is in recovery- I don't get it myself but I don't need to and its her business anyway- no question a relapse would be a big trial. So far the trials have been smaller- grappling with my own obsessions and bad relationship habits from childhood, understanding to acceptance to letting it go is how I am trying to work the problems.

I also had a tendency to be very harsh with myself and thus (unconciously) to others, learning to be kinder and more aware of myself seems to lead to kindness and awareness of others- which at least leads to a better mood which is some kind of victory in itself.

I agree w/ sk's idea- it might be helpful if you tried stepping up your meeting attendance for a couple months and see what happens. If you change yourself maybe things will change in your situation.

Good luck!

HikerLady

Who said being angry has to hurt you? Use it to your advantage and allow it to motivate you to make changes where you are fully able to make changes. We are humans not robots void of the full range of emotions (anger is a good one, don't let it fool ya). You have every right to be angry, the hard part is removing it from your AH's power, that's where the resentment is. He changed the parental/marriage game plan on you, now what? You can resent him all you want, it won't change a dern thing though. What if you take that anger and acknowledge it to yourself. Hey you, I am really pissed off and I have every dern right to be really pissed off...telling my AH I am pissed off doesn't change anything, and being mad at him for it makes me feel worse. How can I utilize MY ANGER (it's your's my dear, don't give him any power to it and don't treat it like it's a fault). If you need to vent, vent, just always keep in mind that it's your anger and there is a valid power in that anger, don't give it to him to fritter away and use as an excuse to drink more, or defend his actions. Detachment is learning to separate your emotions from his actions. It doesn't mean you won't have the emotions, it just means that you no longer give him any power over them. Honor those emotions and work on using them as the fuel to self awareness and betterment.

UnDenialMe

Thanks HikerLady. Very helpful.

schnappi99

I spent a while considering this response (thanks HL)- I certainly won't argue the point but I don't think I can handle anger in such a seemingly healthy way. Perhaps its something akin to a "behaviorial" addiction- for my part keeping anger in my mind leads immediately to obsession, martyrdom, self-righteous judgment etc... its bad stuff and I find I have to carefully keep a quiet mind when theres anger surging around; fight or flight is right there ready to sweep me away. Maybe I've spent so many years triggering myself with anger that I do it as easily as breathing.. but right now in my recovery the healthy option seems to be carefully and calmly working & reworking the 3rd step, and staying aware of what my ego is doing. In effect keeping myself to a measured response instead of a reaction.

lol seems like another universe where someone could so readily use anger like that.. good luck all!

HikerLady

Sounds perfectly normal to me. You are on a good path IMHO and I am the former queen of martyrdom, I totally get it, I just totally bite at explaining myself well, lol. What took me awhile to see upon some reflection was that I never REALLY felt good about being the "saintly one" in our relationship, because the fact of the matter is I am far from saint, and appearing the "better one" sets me up for continual failure (after all, "the better one" would set him straight). What I am so poorly trying to get across is that that anger and resentment towards my AH was a normal reaction, what I learned to do differently was to face up to the fact (speaking for my own situation) that my AH was/is being who he chose to be, an alcoholic behaving like an alcoholic. I therefore had 2 choices, accept that it is what it is (acceptance is not condoning) and begin detaching (not bottling, not denying) my emotional reaction to it or continue building up the anger and resentment towards him with no resolution. Don't let my words fool you into thinking I don't have days were I verbally fly off on him, I still do, the difference is that I no longer kick myself for it. When you say you find that you "carefully keep a quiet mind" you are in the process of maintaining the power of your emotional reaction...it's flipping hard as heck to do sometimes (hence the fight or flight feelings). The trick here is to remember that your verbal response and actions are for you and your need to work through those feelings...not deny them, not bottle them up, but to truly allow yourself to be angry and decide how to best acknowledge it and continue moving forward in your life. My sister said something that really hit home to me one day, "I think you need to get angry more often". It wasn't that I didn't get angry, I was angry and hurt all the flipping time, it's that I never really allowed it to express itself fullly until the day of my mother's funeral (long story short, the dam started breaking that day and I began falling apart). This was coming from a woman who rarely raised her voice, and always appeared to be the the most serenely happy and content person I know despite all the struggles and hardships she's had in her life. I'd always assumed she never got angry, nothing ever broke through and made her lose it, or so it seemed. What I have learned is that anger doesn't have to be loud or immediate and reactionary, or something to be bottled and put away because of it's sometimes ugly nature. What it does need is respect, and acknowledgement..not by anyone else but yourself. I am flipping mad as hell that my AH is not chosing sobriety and denies the impact his alcoholism has on our family. I hate that I had to not only grieve the death of my parents, but also grieve the man I thought I married, how effing dare he tell me to get over their deaths and expect me to stick around while he's killing himself with booze..I mean the utter gall of him..right? What makes it better? #1 consciously deciding that I will stay today and it feels right for me to do so today, knowing that I can and will leave at any given time should I feel I can no longer detach and continue to grow as an individual. #2 I carefully examine where my anger is rooted. (one can easily say it's obvious, frustration that the person you love and is supposed to love you back is chosing the booze over you). It's not fair, it's messy, in order to continue staying with him I am forced to accept him as an alcoholic and the full knowledge that I have not one ounce of control over his poor choices because of it. The root of my anger.... I have no control over it and I cannot trust him to see that I will not go down with him. The anger...I cannot trust the man I committed myself to. That anger is mine because he is stuck in his own hell, and instead of letting it drag me down with him I get to consciously chose where it will take me and all be derned if I will allow it to lead me towards despair any longer. It fuels my runs, it fuels my growth as a human being, it helps me face reality and deal with reality in MY OWN TERMS.
Sorry for the length. I don't often post because I tend to be a rambler. It's not that I feel less for it, it's just that I recognize how many other posters are able to be far more concise and better at conveying ideas in this kind of forum than I am. Your post struck me because I remember being at that point very well and I thought I should make an attempt at sharing what worked for me in the hopes that it might make some sense, lol.

Blossom717

Hugs! I understand how you feel. I'm reading co-dependent no more, and I completely get the feeling like a single mother even when the father is right next to you.

Keep coming here. Keep reading. Learn to trust you instincts (I'm still learning)...Its a process that can take time, but where you need to be you will be.

SeriousKarma

Bingo.

HikerLady, you're a lot more articulate than you give yourself credit for.

I'll admit it. I can belt it out like an opera diva when righteous indignation is on the table. But far to often my own anger can cause me to get mired down in the argument itself, and I lose track of what the original issue was. In other words, I'm just fighting to win. This is especially the case when there is an addict (or teenager for that matter) on the other side who seems incapable of acknowledging any salient points. I've come to realize that it's just my frustration at not being "heard" that causes me to lose control of the original point, and angrily flail around for anything that will stick.

I think your point quoted above, HikerLady, is a good one to keep in mind. Thanks

schnappi99

Concur w/ above- thanks HL- I didn't find your post rambling... perhaps an occasional paragraph break would help lol..

but you make an excellent point distinguishing between stuffing vs accepting. I've certainly done a bunch of the former. Back a couple months ago I was massively stuffing my frustration w/ our intimacy issue (which I have made an obsession it seems), and was heading to my tuesday alanon mtg- I started feeling better as soon as I sat down in the seat. Which really brought home to me how much of it I was doing to myself. There were a few moments like that which started happening which I tend to think was the proper beginning of my recovery.

I've not had a big anger challenge recently though which is nice, in large part I think because I've been doing ok at accepting small stuff and letting it go; in effect, doing better at evaluating importance.

Not being heard, or saying something nice and getting a blast of anger or rage right back in my face has been tricky.. it took a while to stop falling for that, and leave a response till later when something constructive can be said. I'm not sure I understand the "power" argument, though its very clear that not flying off the handle in reaction is much better and keeping my composure sure helps with choosing if and how to respond.

Thx all!

UnDenialMe

HL - again thank you. You call it a ramble, I call it Experience, strength, & hope. I'm now in week 2 of separation from my AH. Still in the same house. This week I'm finally starting to break away from my anger and resentment towards him and focus on me and my needs. It's not easy but I'm feeling a little less angst. ODAT. Resentment still creeps up, especially when I know he's missed several days of work. But I'm starting to come to grips with my anger and myself.