bonbon

Ok, I have been reading these posts, I am having a hard time dealing with everything. My a/addict has been with me for 7 years, we have a daughter together. We about a month ago split for the 3rd time, he wasnt working, and of coarse blamed me for not working because I wouldnt let him drive our only car, which is mine, and which he wrecked, its been a long road of trying to trust him again.

So, to make a long story short, he left a month ago, I was doing well, then became angry he wasnt seeing our little girl, or even calling to check on her. Well we started seeing each other again, and he finally moved his stuff back over, (mind you while this is happeneing im feeling sick about it, that its insane hes back and I am trying to trust him with my car again.) So out of the blue, He leaves from his mothers house, and I havent heard or seen him since, we talked about so much, him finding a job, getting back on track, I think hes been involved with selling drugs and I beleive hes been going down some really scary roads.

But the point in all this is, Where does this madness and insanity end for me? When can I let go? I love him and beleive in him, but weve been through sooo much, I know I need help, I want all of the worry to end, I wish I could just feel content with my life and being a good mother to my daughter, I want this so bad, I have a very good job, hes had probobaly 10 different jobs over the years, while I have stayed with this one and worked my way up, I think if people really knew the things I've gone through they would question my sanity, why do I love this person so much??? And can this sick addiction to him that i have, does it ever end? And if it does, I wish I knew the steps to get there. I also wish I could stop feeling guilty, like I should feel guilty about not letting him use my car, or that I feel guilty I pushed him away.

I know I have thrown alot out here, but I hope you all if you have the time will post some reply's, It is the most comforting feeling to know someone else has been where I have, and has seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you all very much.

CherylG

You are already on the steps to sanity just seeking support. Your daughter must still be small. Mine are in their teens and are the reason I finally left. I try to get them to keep in touch with their father. They do not want to see him. When I finally sought divorce I had the talk with them. I could divorce him but he would always be their father. I had them in counseling years ago. He swore I was filling their heads with BS. Let me tell you, kids are smart. I didn't have to tell them anything. They told me a lot though. Things like they did not want to go in the car with Daddy to his friend's house while I was at work. They had to fix their own dinner cause Daddy was passed out again. And on and on and on. Now they don't have to run to their rooms and hide when he walks in the door. They love having their friends to the house. They are really thriving. As for me, I have my lonely days and that is when I come here or go to a meeting. This is all still fresh for me but I trust in the knowledge of the HP. It will know when I am healthy enough for a new relationship and it will be there. I still get frustrated with the lack of child support and caring about OUR kids. They are my whole life. How can he not care if they have a roof over their head or food in their bellies? But then I ask Ogly to borrow her skillet to whack him in the face with and she usually whacks me out of that feeling. Please don't despair, you are on the right track. Just know and follow the steps and you will be okay. (Especially with all our prayers behind you) Keep posting!

Rose56

Welcome, BonBon to our community of hope. I am very new to recovery myself, only one month! By coming to this online forum and attending Al-anon meetings my life has improved. My husband has been drinking since I met him 20 years ago. I denied what was happening for many years. Then for many years I got very angry, bitter, and resentful. Three years ago I tried something simple: I started weight training at the gym where I work. I felt a sense of accomplishment from lifting the weights and getting stronger. I felt like I had something that was only mine. My special commitment. And I stuck to it. I think this helped me get to where I am today. You asked "how long will you need to be in this relationship when it is not working and is so crazy?" I think you are already begining to move forward by reaching out. Just keep doing it. Keep coming to this forum and also attend Al-anon or Nar-anon meetings. Just by keeping a commitment to yourself, you will begin to heal.
I have so far to go yet. But for today I feel ok, centered, and have hope for the future. You can too. You will make it. Take good care and come back!

chivapiano

Dear Bonbon I read your post and it was incredibly detailed and painful except where you get to the part where you say "Well we just started seeing each other again" as if there was no decision-making on any body's part as to whether this was what was wanted or needed. Did you want to see him? Did he want to see you and you didn't want to see him and you put your own needs aside - again? Just thought it was interesting enough to think about. Love, Chi