Old 02-20-2002, 06:12 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
in the dumps
Posts: n/a

HI all on the AL-ANON board.

I am a recovering alcoholic / addict.
I have had an alcohol problem for approx 10 years. My wife has had to deal with this for approx 6 years. The first few years were not to hard on any of us. However, alcoholism is a progreesive disease. It got worse over the last few years. I quit drinking Feb 2001, relapsed Mar 2001, relapsed again July 2001. Picked up narcotics Aug 2001. I have been tapering off and expect to be clean by the week-end. I have been attending AA meetings everyday for approx 1 month. I feel that I am starting to get better.

Now you know my history so here is how I need your help.

My wife has had to deal with this problem without any help from anyone. I also have 2 kids aged 2 1/2 and 6. I think AL-ANON would be very helpful to my wife but she is not interested in going to a meeting.

I would really appreciate it if you could give some explanations on what an AL-ANON meeting is like, how it can help her, how you were before AL-ANON and how things have changed (for the better I hope) I would never force my wife to go to a meeting, I would never even tell her to go. I have brought it up a couple of times like this "Why don't you try going just once just to see what it is like." She was not interested. I think she really needs the help and support.

I would like you to reply so I can print out a copy of the replies and let her read it. But I still won't push it on her. She may not even want to read the replies. I'm just trying to help her.

Please help me to help my wife. I am taking the steps to become clean and stay clean and sober. I think she should take the steps to deal with the problems that I have caused to her, myself and the kids.

Please Reply

in the dumps -- slowly recovering

P.S. Thank-you in advance for any replies.
Old 02-20-2002, 10:33 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Peoria, IL USA
Posts: 105

Sorry to take so long to respond, but kept waiting for someone else to go first. I lived with my A for 24 years. He supposedly sought treatment twice through rehab. Neither time his own choice. Still drinking and drugging to this day. Someday hopefully it will be his choice. On the second time in rehab it was suggested that I seek counseling. I had the kids in counseling but kept telling him that it was his problem not mine. Finally went to Al-anon seeking answers. This was after I decided to change everything by changing me. As with all programs it HAS to be her choice just as it was yours to seek help. (Congrats and stick with it) The only one you can change is you. If she starts to feel left out by your attending meetings and sees the change the program has made in you THEN suggest she go to an Al-anon group. You can only live you life as an example to others, you can only change you. You may want to suggest she read some of the posts here. Sometimes we anoners feel sooo alone that it takes a while to learn to live for ourselves again.
CherylG is offline  
Old 02-20-2002, 02:40 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Victoria,B.C.Canada
Posts: 46
Hi in the dumps

You are right your wife could go to al-anon and then you guys are delling with it together you work on you and she can work on herself. Then things will come together. It will take sometime for that but it will happen if you guys work it.

SAngelfive is offline  
Old 02-21-2002, 10:23 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Rose56's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676

I am a new member of Al-anon, I have been going to meetings for about one month now. I started going to meetings because I was in so much pain and had reached a breaking point. When I first went to a meeting I was not ready to admit I had a problem, that my life was a mess. I thought it was all my A's problem. Since I have been going to meetings and posting in this forum, I feel 100% better. I am not sure why but I feel a remendous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I don't have to do it on my own anymore. Also, hearing elements of my story from other people has been very healing for me. I feel less like a terible creature when I hear others share. Perhaps this forum or an online meeting might be easier for your wife to attend. I hope she finds her way here, because it has helped me tremendously. Good for you that you are on your way back. I wish you both luck and hope.
Rose56 is offline  
Old 02-21-2002, 11:49 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
in the dumps
Posts: n/a

Thanks for your replies cherylG, Rose56, SuperNiceAngel5

I was kind of hoping that you would give some information on what it is like to go to an AL-ANON or NAR-ANON meeting. What goes on there, how it helped you etc. so I could print it out and let her read it. That's O.K. I know it is her decision. (My Wife's) Last night I came home from my meeting and brought with me a meeting list for her. One night a week there is a meeting for me and for her at the same place and same time. There are 2 other meetings a week at the same place but the time is 1/2 hour apart. I don't mind being 1/2 early for my meeting. I can set up chairs make coffee or talk to others that are there early. I don't know what she would do the day mine starts 1/2 hour earlier than hers. Last night I casually mentioned that 3 nights a week there is a meeting for her and let her look at the schedules. I let her know that if she wishes to go one night, that we could go at the same time but that it is totally up to her. I wasn't pushy or anything. She said she would consider it some time. I'll let you know if she decides to go. I won't even mention a word about it to her again. (that might sound like I'm getting pushy if I ask her again.

I have taken her to one of my open meetings. She did not mind going and has a slightly better understanding. She said that she would not mind going to an open meeting with me once a week every week until further notice. (Of course the decision was still hers). I asked her one day if she would like to come with me (like an invitation) and she said yes and wants to go again.

My biggest fear is that she may want me to come to one of the ANON meetings and I would feel really uncomfortable and out of place.

Gotta Go

Talk Later

Thanks for the input.

in the dumps -- continuing to slowly recover.

P.S. Special thanks to Rose56 for mentioning that AL-ANON was very helpful to you and that it makes you feel alot better.
Old 02-21-2002, 04:08 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Victoria,B.C.Canada
Posts: 46

Hi in the dumps

If you go toj any meetings they are all the same the only thing that is different they change the wording around so it fits were it belonging and in al-anon who be go for you to because you learn more about alcohol there and here what other people go though who live with people that use. I go to both so I can let go of my family better.

SAngelfive is offline  
Old 02-22-2002, 04:50 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
in the dumps
Posts: n/a
Thanks SuperAngel5

Please go read my last post under the NAR-ANON board for an update.

in the dumps -- feelin good today
Old 02-22-2002, 07:08 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
smoke gets in my eyes's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416

Hey Dumps...
You may be an addict, but I feel you have the soul of an anon.

Bless you for loving your wife and wanting her to be well. Bless you for taking steps toward your own recovery. Bless you for wanting to fix it for her.

That's an anon thing. Trying to manage other people's recovery, finances, happiness, you name it. Meeting togetherness seems like a sweet idea... but how honest can you be with the other A's with your wife around? How honest do you think she can be with the anon's if you are there? There's nothing wrong with hitting a couple of meetings to see how the other half lives. The problem with continuing is that you get hung up in living for the other half. You are right. You don't "belong" at alanon meetings. You would be a welcome "guest".

I wanted like crazy for Dino to come to this board. He finally came to a chat, and I realized that my attention was RAPT in what he was experiencing, discovering, thinking, and I wasn't thinking of me or working on me at all. Now that's okay for a chat or two. But continuing in that fashion is absolutely contrary to the idea of 12 step recovery. Anons do not recover by thinking about addiction. They recover by thinking about their self-punishing and self-denying behavior .,,, their controlling behavior. THEIRS, not yours. Not any other addict's. Like her, your recovery cannot be managed by concentrating on ANYONE elses.

A damaged relationship may be your motivation for seeking recovery, but recovery itself is not about your relationship. It's beautiful that there is someone you want to make yourself whole for. But you have to make yourself whole before you have a prayer of making the relationship whole. First things first.

You have done a kind and responsible thing. You let her know where to find help if she wants it. Now, you lil' anon wanna-be, LET GO.

smoke gets in my eyes is offline  
Old 02-23-2002, 05:47 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
in the dumps
Posts: n/a
Smoke Thanks for your replies

I have been working on my own program to the best that I can.

My wife went to her first anon meeting last night and she enjoyed it. She plans to keep goin. There are 3 meetings a week that work for her.

To tell the truth I kind of have a new problem now. As soon as her meeting was over she came running to my room to see if my meeting was done. It seems that her new found support is stepping in the way of mine.

I suppose I should talk to her and tell her that part of my recovery is to talk to people from my meeting afterwards and I would appreciate it if she would stay late after her meeting and talk to her people. I think this would be in the best interest for both of us. It does not sound like she is interested in me coming to her meeting but that's OK -- I don't have much interest in going to hers anyway. She said that she would like to continue coming to open meetings with me for the Alcoholic.
I have talked to her and drew the line that I would only like her to come to one a week. This is OK for both of us. I still need to work my program and dont want either one of us to interfere with each others programs.

The good thing is that we will be following all of the same steps but in different places. I'm sure that this will help us both tremendously.

I should mention the best point. Last night, after we got home we had a long discussion about what went on. Of course we do keep the anaminity while we talk. Don't even talk about other people. This will be good for us. We mainly talked about the topics or steps discussed in our meetings. After all we are following the same steps. Last night we had the best talk with each other that we've had in a long time.

I can see very good things happening to our relationship in the very near future.
It seems like last night, first night we both went to seperate meetings that things have improved in our relationship litterally over a few hours. Of course this is just the beginning of a long journey for both of us. We are taking the same journey, just with 2 different groups of people.

in the dumps -- things looking up

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:08 PM.