Secrets and Guilt
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by lovetohikect 
Money and addicts, addicts and money, it's a twisted up mess and that's for sure.
This morning I had checked our online bank account, as I always do (with heart pounding, anybody else?) and noticed that our son hasn't stolen from us since Sunday. I was all happy about that, but also mentioned to my husband, gosh, so it's a big cause for happiness that we've had 4 days without theft? Who lives that way?
Jane
This morning I had checked our online bank account, as I always do (with heart pounding, anybody else?) and noticed that our son hasn't stolen from us since Sunday. I was all happy about that, but also mentioned to my husband, gosh, so it's a big cause for happiness that we've had 4 days without theft? Who lives that way?
Jane
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I absolutely cannot talk to AH. Have tried and he shuts me out or starts yelling or worse starts throwing things. I have given up talking a couple of years ago. Once and a while, I'll try to have a gentle conversation but doesn't work.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Shoreline area, CT
Posts: 68
Redlanta, I appreciate the input. I am sure you haven't read my other posts on this subject, but to reiterate, we open and close our accounts on average every two months. We have taken numerous and extraordinary measures to safeguard our assets from "our" addict, who seems to be particularly fixated on stealing, even for an addict.
I am not going to be put on the defensive about this again, except to mention (for those who are not already aware) that it is virtually impossible to keep assets safe from an intelligent and cunning addict. If you want to PM me for additional information about the situation I will share it with you, but that is really all I have to say about this subject.
Jane
I am not going to be put on the defensive about this again, except to mention (for those who are not already aware) that it is virtually impossible to keep assets safe from an intelligent and cunning addict. If you want to PM me for additional information about the situation I will share it with you, but that is really all I have to say about this subject.
Jane
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Originally Posted by TryingToLearn
I have separated my money but the bills keep coming in and he expects me to pay for them.
I hope you can make the last step soon and sever your tie to this. Good for you for taking the steps to get there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Boy do I relate, TryingToLearn. I actually titled a recent post of mine ' The Long Road, because as you say, sometimes it takes much longer than you want it to, to get where you need to be. I am my worst enemy too.
When you think about it, you taking care of his financial mess is like bailing out a boat with a hole- it's gonna keep filling up again.
He may not be very nice about you parting ways, as you are making life (as he lives it) easier for him. Please be safe and have a plan in case he gets nasty. I know about the not talking stuff... the manipulating anger and silence.
Its not your fault that he's in this mess, or that he makes the bad choices he does.
I am sorry you are struggling. It sounds like you work hard, and someday, your hard work could make your life secure and peaceful, on your own.
You have the right to be as happy as you can possibly be. You wish for better things. don't let someone who wont get in the life raft take you down with the ship.
When you think about it, you taking care of his financial mess is like bailing out a boat with a hole- it's gonna keep filling up again.
He may not be very nice about you parting ways, as you are making life (as he lives it) easier for him. Please be safe and have a plan in case he gets nasty. I know about the not talking stuff... the manipulating anger and silence.
Its not your fault that he's in this mess, or that he makes the bad choices he does.
I am sorry you are struggling. It sounds like you work hard, and someday, your hard work could make your life secure and peaceful, on your own.
You have the right to be as happy as you can possibly be. You wish for better things. don't let someone who wont get in the life raft take you down with the ship.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by lovetohikect
Redlanta, I appreciate the input. I am sure you haven't read my other posts on this subject, but to reiterate, we open and close our accounts on average every two months. We have taken numerous and extraordinary measures to safeguard our assets from "our" addict, who seems to be particularly fixated on stealing, even for an addict.
I am not going to be put on the defensive about this again, except to mention (for those who are not already aware) that it is virtually impossible to keep assets safe from an intelligent and cunning addict. If you want to PM me for additional information about the situation I will share it with you, but that is really all I have to say about this subject.
Jane
I am not going to be put on the defensive about this again, except to mention (for those who are not already aware) that it is virtually impossible to keep assets safe from an intelligent and cunning addict. If you want to PM me for additional information about the situation I will share it with you, but that is really all I have to say about this subject.
Jane
Loving a more peaceful life
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: England
Posts: 80
Finances and guilt - a cautionary tale.
I split from my addict 3 years ago. I fully relate to to your feelings of guilt.
I felt so guilty about the idea of leaving him with nothing. This is despite him having cost me tens of thousands of pounds over our 12 year relationship, including the profits from an endowment policy I'd been paying since before we got together.
Now bear in mind that I knew he had an alcohol problem but didn't fully acknowledge his alcoholism until after we'd split.
This is what happened due to my guilt:
- we split bank accounts but I got to keep the overdraft and credit card debt.
- he paid me 'rent' while looking for new place, while living in the spare bedroom. I gave him every penny back to use as deposit and first month rent when he did find a place, despite the fact he was moving in with a friend who should have paid towards it as well but didn't.
- When he moved out I took the day off work and shifted everything in my car to save him paying for removals. The friend did nothing to help and turned up later after the work had been done.
'Everything' included half the furniture including the TV and DVD set I was still paying for at the time. Half the linen, crockery, cutlery, kitchen equipment and half the contents of the food cupboards. I then went out and bought him a new duvet, water filter jug and microwave oven. We didn't have two of those and I felt bad about that.
- I was left with a pile of rubbish that was left where the couch used to be. I spent the next few weeks sitting on a camp chair and the next few months sleeping in our old, filthy, p*ss stained bed.
- we had 6 pets when we split. He took one and agreed to look after vet appointments and bills. Guess who ended up arranging the appointments and paying the vet bills when the (elderly) dog got sick and eventually died. He promised to pay me back, knowing full well I was struggling to look after myself and the other five pets after getting a huge pay cut at work. This was 18 months ago. I'm still waiting.
I did all that I did because as his wife, and the one ending the relationship, I felt it was my responsibility to make sure he didn't go without. I also assumed that I took too much responsibility regarding our finances and that it was my fault he was hopeless with money. I was certain that once he got used to dealing with household finances himself everything would be fine. What actually happened was that he spent the next 18 months running up a ton of debt (having left the marriage with a clean financial slate), throwing in his job because he 'couldn't cope with having to work', allowing his friend to pay nothing towards the bills while guilt tripping me into giving him money then giving up the house and running back to his mummy while filing for bankruptcy. Oh, and he expected that I would give up my time to clear the house for him! I didn't; it was around this time I decided to go No Contact, acknowledge my codependency and look after myself.
Three years after we split I have paid for the divorce myself and have been running in circles worrying about saving for unexpected bills, catching up with my pension (neglected because there was never any money spare), replacing the furniture he damaged and paying off the marital debts. He's living with mummy while going to college one day a week, calling himself a 'student' and being happy as Larry with no responsibilities.
Is that what you want for yourself?
I felt so guilty about the idea of leaving him with nothing. This is despite him having cost me tens of thousands of pounds over our 12 year relationship, including the profits from an endowment policy I'd been paying since before we got together.
Now bear in mind that I knew he had an alcohol problem but didn't fully acknowledge his alcoholism until after we'd split.
This is what happened due to my guilt:
- we split bank accounts but I got to keep the overdraft and credit card debt.
- he paid me 'rent' while looking for new place, while living in the spare bedroom. I gave him every penny back to use as deposit and first month rent when he did find a place, despite the fact he was moving in with a friend who should have paid towards it as well but didn't.
- When he moved out I took the day off work and shifted everything in my car to save him paying for removals. The friend did nothing to help and turned up later after the work had been done.
'Everything' included half the furniture including the TV and DVD set I was still paying for at the time. Half the linen, crockery, cutlery, kitchen equipment and half the contents of the food cupboards. I then went out and bought him a new duvet, water filter jug and microwave oven. We didn't have two of those and I felt bad about that.
- I was left with a pile of rubbish that was left where the couch used to be. I spent the next few weeks sitting on a camp chair and the next few months sleeping in our old, filthy, p*ss stained bed.
- we had 6 pets when we split. He took one and agreed to look after vet appointments and bills. Guess who ended up arranging the appointments and paying the vet bills when the (elderly) dog got sick and eventually died. He promised to pay me back, knowing full well I was struggling to look after myself and the other five pets after getting a huge pay cut at work. This was 18 months ago. I'm still waiting.
I did all that I did because as his wife, and the one ending the relationship, I felt it was my responsibility to make sure he didn't go without. I also assumed that I took too much responsibility regarding our finances and that it was my fault he was hopeless with money. I was certain that once he got used to dealing with household finances himself everything would be fine. What actually happened was that he spent the next 18 months running up a ton of debt (having left the marriage with a clean financial slate), throwing in his job because he 'couldn't cope with having to work', allowing his friend to pay nothing towards the bills while guilt tripping me into giving him money then giving up the house and running back to his mummy while filing for bankruptcy. Oh, and he expected that I would give up my time to clear the house for him! I didn't; it was around this time I decided to go No Contact, acknowledge my codependency and look after myself.
Three years after we split I have paid for the divorce myself and have been running in circles worrying about saving for unexpected bills, catching up with my pension (neglected because there was never any money spare), replacing the furniture he damaged and paying off the marital debts. He's living with mummy while going to college one day a week, calling himself a 'student' and being happy as Larry with no responsibilities.
Is that what you want for yourself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 128
TentIndependent, thank you. Really, this is so near to my situation. I so relate to everything you wrote and I'm living that kind of life with some differences. Just worn down by trying to do the right thing as my guilt is telling me when really I should be taking care of myself and making sure I'm not out on the street. I so understand why you did what you did. Like looking into a mirror. And I know it's going to get worse in my head and my dumb guilt and heart is protesting.
Loving a more peaceful life
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: England
Posts: 80
I picked up on a lot of similarities, which inspired me to post all that!
You already know what you're dealing with and are planning ahead and getting support. I didn't.
What really helped me see what was going on, and to break contact (took him the best part of a year to take the hint, mind) was getting counselling.
The guilt is the worst. I told my ex when we split that I was sick of cleaning up after an overgrown teenager but it still took me a while to stop playing my part in that. I don't think I'd have got there without therapy.
You already know what you're dealing with and are planning ahead and getting support. I didn't.
What really helped me see what was going on, and to break contact (took him the best part of a year to take the hint, mind) was getting counselling.
The guilt is the worst. I told my ex when we split that I was sick of cleaning up after an overgrown teenager but it still took me a while to stop playing my part in that. I don't think I'd have got there without therapy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 128
I totally understand the guilt. I'm exhausted all the time meaning I get done what I need to get done but I feel like I'm walking through mud sucking me down. I think it's depression. So sorry for anyone who has to experience this. Thank you.
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