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This disease makes me sad

Old 05-20-2014, 08:41 AM
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This disease makes me sad

Last night I went to dinner with a friend. She told me that a mutual friend of ours, a tennis coach who worked with both our kids, is dying of liver failure. He cannot get a transplant because of the progression of the disease. He just got married 3 years ago to the sweetest woman who had 3 kids from her first marriage (to an drug abuser/alcoholic). I knew the guy drank a lot but I didn't know him well enough to know how bad it really was.

My friend told me that she noticed a few months ago when he came to watch her son play in a state championship match that his hands were shaking and he seemed 'off'. Anyway, he got the diagnosis and didn't tell his wife until last week when he fell ill and she took him to the hospital and he says, "Oh by the way, I'm dying." He was told that he could maybe live 2 years IF he were to quit drinking. He has not. And, that is why this disease makes me sad. Our kids will be devastated, he was a good coach, but my heart just goes out to his wife.

On a personal note, my own AH has decided to go to AA again and went to his first meeting yesterday. He didn't actually say anything to me, I saw the welcome packet in his briefcase when he set it on the floor yesterday. I said nothing. I'm pretty much completely detached and I know that I truly feel compassion for him. I know it must be a sad and lonely road when you're losing everything you had.

Also, on another personal note: I did some networking and found a friend who needs help publishing an ebook to kindle format. She asked me if I'd be interested in doing the job on a contractual basis. She said I could use her LLC as a 'real company' on a resume so that I can start listing work experience, etc
I did some research and found out that I need windows to publish and all we use in this house is Apple(iOs operating system). So, I need to find out if she has a laptop I can borrow with Word on it. Otherwise, I was very interested in taking the job especially since our school schedule will be lighter during the summer months.
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Old 05-20-2014, 08:55 AM
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lizatola.....good for you! I hope the book thing works out!!!

That is sad news about the coach. It's so hard to comprehend. A friend's brother died last year of liver failure due to Hep C from chronic alcoholism. It was a terrible death. It was a terrible trauma leading up to the death. I hear people on here or even more so on the Substance F&F forum mention that their whomever has contracted HepC. I wonder if those people know what actually happens to someone with that disease. It just makes me very very sad. Substance abuse is rampant and it seems to just worsen by the day.

Hugs my friend....
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Old 05-20-2014, 09:14 AM
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Good on the job prospects!

It doesn't sound like he wants pity, Liz. He's accepted he is dying.

Definitely condolences for his wife. Hopefully she will be well taken care of with his will and benefits.
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Old 05-20-2014, 09:57 AM
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Very sad.
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Old 05-20-2014, 10:35 AM
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I think you can publish from Pages as ePub (on a Mac) and use Calibre to convert for Kindle use, but I'm not sure... might be worth researching some more!

And it's heartbreaking to see people drink themselves to death.
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Old 05-20-2014, 10:36 AM
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I'm sorry for yours and your kids' loss. And I feel for the wife. My god. I am with you - this disease makes me so sad, too. It's such a shame, isn't it, the things it's able to take from a beautiful life. Hugs to you.
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Old 05-20-2014, 12:34 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I think you can publish from Pages as ePub (on a Mac) and use Calibre to convert for Kindle use, but I'm not sure... might be worth researching some more!

And it's heartbreaking to see people drink themselves to death.
I did do some research and most say that the publishing programs don't play nice with iOs, but I will look into your information, as well. I know that she could have me put it in Ibook format, but I did some reading up on their system and it's not as user friendly as Kindle. I am supposed to be meeting with her later this week and we'll talk more, I'm sure.

As for our friend and his wife. I wish I could reach out to her, but we're not very close and since I heard the information secondhand, I'm not willing to butt in and just approach her. I hope she has some friends here to turn to, she just moved here 3 years ago from Texas.
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Old 05-20-2014, 12:51 PM
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My STBXAH was a really fantastic guy at one time, but in hindsight he was always getting chewed around the edges by addiction to one thing or another. I miss that person -- so funny and astute -- and the guy that stands in front of me today is such a stranger. He's still lying, still covering up, still putting off real life while squeezing every ounce of goodwill from his now-enablers. I'm sorry for him and for my kids, and it makes me feel sad sometimes that the guy I thought he was probably was an apparition of my own making, but it is what it is. He is not responsible for having this disease, but he is responsible for his choices.

In hindsight, I think there have been several people I have known in my life that were also addicted, and it's sad to see how the uninterrupted addiction truncated their opportunities and their commitments to the people that love them.

Now that I've been through this and think back on some of the people in my life that have helped me, I think they too have been touched by addiction and were empathetic with me because they knew firsthand what kind of special hell this is. Turns out there are a lot of us F&F out there, and a lot of us are finding peace and helping others in healthy and non-codependent ways.
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Old 05-21-2014, 12:02 AM
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Speaking of the fantastic guy thing: My AH actually tried to apologize to me today. He said he's been working on himself. Without going into detail, I basically said nothing. He said all kinds of stuff that was in his reality and I did my best to not state the real reality(if that makes sense). Some of it was ridiculous and I soooo wanted to defend myself or point out what really happened but I let him have his reality. I even tried to accept his apology and then he said, "for what?". Umm, well, you did start out saying you wanted to apologize to me, although it went in circles at times. He said he loved me.

He tried to blame his anger on the fact that I snubbed his advances after his mom died and I was flying home. He was shoving his tongue down my throat and I had a flight to catch and, quite frankly, I wasn't feeling amorous. I was grieving too. And, what he doesn't know is that just 9 days before she died, his mother told me, "Liz, he's never going to change. Kick him out." She didn't even know about the drinking or the DUI, this was just about his behavior and attitudes which she was quite familiar with. So,yeah, I snubbed him. I found his advances to be inappropriate and a turn off.

So, I am proud of myself for not getting into an argument, for not pointing out what REALLY happened, and for trying my best to just listen. It probably didn't go very well, I think he wanted me to jump in and say something, but maybe it's at least a start for his own recovery. Who knows? Please tell me why I feel guilty right now, too? Like I should have hugged him or told him that all will be OK or maybe I should have been kinder, instead of like a rock sitting on the couch? Sigh...this is not easy.
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Old 05-21-2014, 12:11 PM
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It makes me sad too Lizatola. It's an insidious disease that makes people choose alcohol over all the good things life has to offer. Alcoholism makes the A choose IT over loved ones, over fulfilling productive careers, and over their own health even. They choose IT over all the good life has to offer. And what's really awful is Alcoholism is the only disease where the afflicted can actually choose to recover, yet so many don't or won't. (to all the A's reading this I know it's not an easy task!) All the destruction and sadness really blow my mind.

My AH is such a good man. He's kind, loving, considerate, incredibly smart and so very talented, but becomes a totally different guy when he chooses to drink. He becomes someone I don't much like. The kind loving guy is replaced by a selfish, self centered a$$ who could give a crap about me or my feelings, or anything but staying out and getting messed up. It really is a Jekyll and Hyde type of thing. Sigh...

I hate this disease.
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