Seren

Amy

I'm really sorry to hear it was such a tough day!! Sometimes it helps me to remind myself that I don't actually know what other people are thinking, and that my thoughts are not reality.

I hope you were able to get some restful sleep last night.

amy55

Thank you, I am going to look into that. It's like I healed everything in my mind, so why doesn't my body get that?

amy55

I got like 3 hrs sleep last night. Thank god for that. It's just so confusing that I think I know my reality, but my body is still reacting.

I got up today, and I am listening to music that usually puts me in a good mood.

Weird stuff though, like stuff that I used to listen to when I needed to be strong, stuff I needed to listen to, to calm me.

Just weird stuff--- like Kelly Clarkson , Rob Thomas, Natalie Imbruglia, Van Morrison, Pink Floyd. My comfort people, oh and Queen, Phil Collins, Eric Clapton.

Just why is my mind knows that things are ok, why isn't my body reacting the same way?

I don't get this.

Is it because I went thru alot this week and had to go back to my FOO again, even though I made peace with that a long time ago. I was ok after I did that, I or my body stupidly flipped out for a stupid reason, one that there is an explanation for.

Why am I getting crazy, feel like my body is in a microwave oven, like popcorn, blood pressure going up, tightness in chest, throbbing head, wanting to throw up, heart racing, stomach bloating, not wanting to eat.

I just thought this stuff was over with.

CodeJob

Hi Amy,

I have fear of abandonment. I've been working on it in relation to my step 4. I thought a lot of it was resolved, but when I started sifting through things - i realized this is perhaps bandaged and semi-forgiven, but the fear is still there.

A wedding is a life event. It is easy to make too much of this event bc that is culturally ingrained. I think a counselor could help you come up with a coping strategy and provide some objectivity.

I like Tibetan singing bowls. Try them out on you tube for free...

Amy, I will keep you in my thoughts. Sending you peace my dear!

love4menotu

Hi sweet Amy.. I've been reminding myself almost hourly that feelings are not facts.

It's helping me, because I have been in a reactive state for three weeks now. I went to alanon last night and I'm going today and tomorrow. Ive just gotta be prepared for how my screwy brain defaults to fear and panic.

This is an opportunity to flex my recovery muscles and really work my program.

Thinking of you today, and said a prayer just for you right now.

L

amy55

It's my future daughter-in-laws bridal shower today. It is about 4 hours from me, but I didn't get an invite to that, and I am ok with that.

Maybe I am getting like this, because I just wanted to ask my daughter last night, since she is the wedding planner, if my son would agree to it, that I would like the mom, son, dance to be to "wonderful world", louie armstrong or maybe I am that sensitive to a feeling of abandonment.

I just know I can't do or say anything today or tomorrow. I have to wait for return phone calls.

I am not complaining.

I'm saying how I feel. I feel like I went back to several years ago, where I was able to describe myself as feeling like I was in a straightjacket with duct tape on my mouth. It's like I want to find a corner right now to crawl up into for protection, and I know this is all stupid.

I just want to hide, and for what? I just can't seem to get my mind to get my body to do anything right now.

And for sure, what I just wrote, should be in a different section here, I just re read it, and I really think that I checked out for the day. Sorry/

biminiblue

Amy, your son's wedding is about him.

The song you dance to (IF he decides to even do a mom/son dance - lots don't) - the song is his choice. When I try to control things, I put a lot of stress on myself and worry that it better go the way I want or they don't love me. Crazy, but that's where my mind can go when I get into the dysfunctional thinking.

Let go and let God.

The PTSD stuff - I struggle with it too, but I struggle much more if I try to fight it or figure it out. I try to distract myself with pleasant things, thoughts and actions.

Let go of all the wedding expectations, and you'll enjoy it much more.

It's not your wedding.

amy55

I really don't have any wedding expectations. I know my relationship with my son is tense right now. In a way, I thought if I made a suggestion, it would make my son feel more in touch with me. He knows thats my favorite song. in my way, in my family dynamics, I thought that would be like reaching out to him.

But I am in a really bad state, and not thinking right, I am reading everything.

Thanks

amy55

You see, actually in my family, I thought that would be a gift. I wasn't able to express my opinions or views or what I wanted. My kids knew this. I thought this was in some way saying that I was OK.

I can see your point though, I should not be interfering.

biminiblue

I get in a really bad way whenever I think I am in control of anything. The pressure, the need to be right, the huge burden of it all.

Your daughter is going to think what she thinks. I had some stuff happen like what your daughter heard. I was the daughter in the scenario, and honestly, I just took it as people being way too nosy and destructive. I mean, who says stuff like, "Your mom didn't want you."? WTF? That's just bizarre, and your daughter knows it deep down. People say some pretty effed up things and we have to decide whether to internalize it or blow it off.

What people think of me is none of my business.

Family weddings are stressful. I think remembering whose wedding it is helps to diffuse any questions of how things need to go. The bride and groom are the bosses and the ultimate final word in how things go. I hope you'll be able to let it go and just enjoy all the pomp and circumstance.

((hugs)) and you'll get through this. Can you get some exercise? Outside if possible. Nature always inspires me to be humble, which is where I'm most at peace.

love4menotu

Hi again Amy... ODAT page 161 and then page 328, one is about fear and the other is about examining our reactions.

FEAR equals false evidence appearing real.

Hugs,

L

amy55

I think I am going back into hiding. I wasn't demanding a song. I was just thinking it would be nice if I suggested one, and I don't know how this whole thread got turned around to my expectations.

In a way maybe it is about expectations, and how my whole body reacted to something that my mind knew wasn't true.

biminiblue

It is about expectations, this whole thread. Your daughter didn't call you back. You had wanted to suggest a song.

Your mind went to - "Why isn't she calling me back [she must be mad/not love me/be abandoning me/it's just like him]"

What if she and/or your son say "No" to the Louis Armstrong song? Then that gives your illness another thing to grab onto. "I don't matter. My feelings aren't important. No one understands. It's just like my bad marriage. They don't love me." etc.

I know, because I've had that thought process. It is extremely freeing to finally get to a point where I know what is mine and what is not. If I am afraid, it is because I am not thinking right in some way. I can go to a very dark place very quickly when I start thinking that something is going to be taken away from me. But if I don't have an expectation, I have nothing to lose. I have to hold on loosely. The thing I fear I cause to happen.

Please don't go into hiding, and don't take these posts personally. I'm sharing my experience and we are all the same. Fear is in all of us. So is Faith. I don't have a perfect grasp on Faith 24/7. Your threads and discussions help all of us who struggle. When I write I also heal parts of myself.

Live

When my PTSD flares up like yours is, I curl up on the sofa with a notebook and write and write and write...all my feelings, thoughts, everything.

It helps get it out.

((((hugs))))

amy55

I don't know why that it seems to me that a lot of my posts go south. I think in one I said that I had to post some stuff, and that I appreciated being able to do it here, because I was dealing with a lot. I was dealing with why my sister would tell my daughter that I never wanted her.

I sat for a whole 2 days thinking about that. Had to revisit my childhood, which I would never want to do, because I already made things OK with me, but I had to go back there and look at how my sister was back then, so I could just drop everything. I did that. I was my dad's fav. My sister didn't like that, and she in a way wanted to be me, even though I didn't want to be me. She was jealous of me.

So I made things better in my head, and the only action I will take on this in inaction. I just decided to have a broader mind. To see the gray areas.

I am not demanding that my son play any song. I am not trying to control his wedding. I know it is his day. I only wanted to make a suggestion, and yes, in my family we usually do a mom, son dance.

I only posted last night about the aftereffects I still get from PTSD, I noted that my feelings weren't right about this. I was only asking if my head knows something is really ok, why would my body react the same way that I did previously.

I am really sorry if I offended some with my posts.

At times, I think a lot of my recovery is trying to not be that doormat, trying to express my views and opinions, or to offer suggestions, but I am just feeling like a doormat here.

I will never mention that song to my son or daughter, I actually thought that would help and strengthen our bonds. My son knows I love that song.

I'm just all wrong. Signing off

Ariel1030

Darling Amy - I think everything from the first post are all natural feelings and reactions to real things that were said and happening.

The sister thing - anyone who would say that to a daughter is ill and manipulative. She's trying to hurt you (and she's succeeding, bc any woman's soft spot is her children), and in the meantime hurting your daughter terribly. I agree: who says that???

In turn, you are having a normal reaction, esp someone w/ PTSD.

Ok, and weddings, come on. We all know the bride is in charge, her family usually comes first, and the mother of the groom kinda gets a place of honor in the corner. It's a strained thing. As a photographer, I've seen this at HUNDREDS of weddings. Take it from me; it's not you, not your son, not anything, but stupid wedding crap!

The father-mother dance is one that sometimes gets done, usually not. In my experience. If the bride feels like it's stepping on her royal highness' toes, forget about it. SHE'S in control. TFB to everybody but her bridesmaid and mom and sister. Again, my experience. I was also a young bridezilla!

My grandma on my dad's side was very offended - I found out later - that her son, my dad who had passed - his name was not on the invitation. She knows why (he was an abusive monster) and still cried and threw a fit bc it "made her look bad"? Threw a hissy about where she was seated (with her best friends!), and bc she didn't get to dance with me at my wedding. She never asked me! But she has always been this way. Expects all pf is to cater to her and read her mind. I love her. But weddings and family...wow. Talk about a million people being pissed off!

If I were you, I would bring along the cd. Ask the DJ to play the song after the "official" dances are over, and dedicate a song to him. That sounds great! If my grandma had done that I'd have loved it! If anyone had.

You know I've lived PTSD, and it's hell. I'm thinking your body-mind disconnection is due to stress. It's a BIG day, and you have people who trigger you to face. That's huge.

Judith Herman would tell you to find and visualize your safe place. If you CANT calm down, call your dr or go to ER - a benzo or a script for Lexapro may help you. Lexapro is research proven to help with anxiety and PTSD. Benzos are just for those really bad days you can't get out of. You shouldn't suffer!!! I know it's sober recovery and I'm not pushing pills, but in some cases they can help people.

In truth, nobody really likes weddings, nobody I know. They just have to go. I'm looking forward to my lil brother's bc I'm taking my BFF who I never get to see and we are going to dance all nite!

My bro and I danced at my wedding. Ironically he picked Louis Armstrong. It wa an official dance. Will he do the same for me? Probly not. But I will so totally grab the DJ and announce that big sis wants a dance with her brother at some point.

Remember, you are NOT crazy/weird/different. This is all normal stuff!

Love and hugs to you

BlueSkies1

Amy? Stress. Nervous and excited. Both are forms of stress. When is this wedding?
You don't have to overthink anything. It's ok to ask for a song. It's ok for the suggestion to be rejected. See? Both are ok.
Your posts aren't going south, you aren't offending anyone. But your stress level is high.
It's all ok Amy. Nothing horrible has happened. It's all understandable as you've had stressful relations with some of your family in the past, some in the present. It's all adding up to worrying. It's ok to worry too, you know. After the wedding you'll see just how stressed you were, looking back. Right now you are in it.

Can you take one day and everytime you start thinking about the wedding, push the thoughts out of your head? Make yourself divert your thoughts to something else? Just one day off, so to speak. Like taking a day off work, it would be taking a day off thinking about the wedding and your family. Just a suggestion. Sounds like you could use to give yourself a break! If you get very involved with some other thing in life for a day or so, your mind will reset a bit. Whenever I've obsessed over something, I've found this is what I need to do.
Hugs.

redatlanta

Hey Amy - I don't think this Post went South. I don't see that anyone was offended by you. I do see that people have just offered advice.

Of course you think about the mother and Son dance (btw Wonderful World is one of my favorites as is Pink Floyd).

I think considering all that we know about the dynamics of your family is that people are gently suggesting "why put yourself in a situation to be rejected"? Your daughter is the wedding planner - she seems to at times like to manipulate you and upset you to be honest. My thoughts are that the minute you suggest something YOU want, she may be the person who invalidates that just because she can. We all have had to deal with people like this. In my personal experience I prefer not to allow those types people have any control over my life. If this meant that I didn't ask for something they could turn be down for - then I wouldn't ask. That's just my opinion take what you want……

As for the physical symptoms you are getting - sometimes the body takes longer than the mind. Meditation, yoga or any type of physical exercise might help you. When you feel the panic feeling put on your music and take a walk. Listen to meditation tapes. Eventually your body will stop.

I am sorry you had a rough day and I hope today is better for you!!

Hawkeye13

sending you hugs Amy--sorry you are hurting and I really understand how deep these family triggers can be.

Sometimes I feel guilty how relieved I am my parents are both gone and that my brother lives in another hemisphere. I don't have to go there in "real time" anymore. . .


take care of yourself today and realize this acute stage will pass.

NYCDoglvr

A big hug and applause for your self-awareness, that the problem isn't out there, it's in you. Yes, it gets better, just not as quickly as we want. Are you in therapy, go to Alanon? It's a good time to get all the support you can find. A cliche I used to hate: "time takes time". To get a reality check compare yourself to yourself and measure your progress! You're doing great, by the way.