shil2587

I thought I was doing ok. Honestly. I stopped all the crying. I started being more assertive at work (resulting in a fantastic new job and a pay rise and better hours) and with my family. Even my parents asked where the change had come from (two very co-dependant people) and if I had any tips for them!

Guess I got complacent. I met up with my RAexBf (shorthand escapes me) today for the first time in 9 months. Just to talk and try to build a friendship. It went pretty well, very amiable and nice conversation. Both of us keeping up a guard as we both still love each other but know we need to just be friends.

But you know what? My great progress all meant squat. I am sitting here drinking half a bottle of wine - I NEVER drink and crying again. I mean, it's so simple. He's a struggling alcoholic. He's got NOTHING to offer me, except his love. And yet I would jump straight back in if he asked me to. WHY!!!!??? What is wrong with me - I know he's got nothing to offer. I know he's going to relapse over and over again.

BUT

I miss him. I don't know if it's just missing the relationship - that's possible. I should be over this by now. I should be able to look at him and see an alcoholic and be repulsed. But NOOOO. My stupid head looks at him, struggling to stay sober, and thinks 'I love this man, I want him back'.

So I am back here. I shouldn't have stopped coming here so regularly. I need to keep reading your stories to remind me exactly why I shouldn't want him back.

Thanks for reading.

Live

I had to go no contact in order to heal.

dandylion

shil---in AA, they are told that it is essential to work their program vigorously or the disease and it's compulsion will rise up again and overtake them (relapse).

In co-dependency we can be as addicted to the alcoholic as they are to the drink.

It seems that being around him triggers your co-dependency mind set very intensely.

9months is really a short time to have healed your issues as well to completely grieve the loss of this relationship. (we grieve the loss of relationships whether they were good or toxic).

Continue to read and study and follow your therapy program.

You will heal....you just aren't quite there, yet.

dandylion

shil2587

Is that really a short time? I guess part of me feels bad that even after all this time I am so triggered by him.

I am continuing working my program, just broke through step two and working on step 3 slowly. But I don't think I felt the danger of not doing so so strongly as I did before - which perhaps has contributed to this. I certainly lost the sense of urgency.
Thank you for your kind words. I really do look forward to getting there. I am sick of this cycle.

Recovering2

For the A in recovery, they're told that the first year is early early recovery. I think it's the same for us. 9 months is still early in this process, you're still early in working the steps. So don't be hard on yourself. I agree that you may need to consider No Contact if you're going to heal. Otherwise you will just keep triggering your emotions, which is not healthy for you.

dandylion

shil---yes, it is a short time to get HEALED....but you can make progress in this amount of time...and it certainly sounds like you have!!

Co-dependency issues almost always have their origins in our youth. alanon is great--for sure. But, so many others on this forum say that having individual therapy along with alanon--esp. in the early part has been life-changing for them! Therapy can address more individual needs that are not within the scope of alanon.

dandylion

OnawaMiniya

Good for you, your ability to assert yourself with confidence resulted in a great new job! That's wonderful, and proof of the fact that you can attract the good things you deserve to have in your life with the right attitude.

You say you met up with your recovering ex "just to talk and try to build a friendship", is that 100% honest? Or was that what you told yourself?

Not judging you to be clear. Just that, if you are saying, "He's got NOTHING to offer me, except his love. And yet I would jump straight back in if he asked me to. WHY!!!!??? What is wrong with me - I know he's got nothing to offer. I know he's going to relapse over and over again.", then you probably weren't just meeting up with him for friendship.

It's OK to mourn the loss of a relationship. And it can be very hard to listen to the mind when it tells you that logically, there is nothing good for you, when the heart is saying something else entirely. If I were in your shoes, I would not make contact with him, knowing that my heart might get the better of me and invite the same old pattern of disappointment into my life again. I can't tell you what to do, that is a choice you have to make for yourself. You just have to make a decision and stick to it, knowing what the results will be either way.

As time passes, you will feel more comfortable and stable in your new life, and it will be far easier to resist the heart's desire...in fact, the heart's desire will begin to change, making it easier and easier as time passes to want something healthier.

Do you want to feel so torn that you drink to numb the pain - something you don't normally do and something that is sadly ironic? I doubt it very much. However, this is where your torn feelings over this man have taken you emotionally. You of course have more power over yourself and your choices than he does - you have to TAKE that control instead of giving it away to him. Clearly, his influence in your life is not currently a positive one, and you DESERVE BETTER than to allow that kind of energy and influence into your life. You are worth it.

If you want to avoid falling into a relationship with him, and focus on building a new, more positive and healthy life for yourself where you KNOW you deserve the best, then you know what you need to do.

If you choose to listen to your heart, you know what you are in for.

It's a decision you will have to make, and it won't be easy. You can do it, though. Just look at the positive professional change your newly found confidence and ability to understand that you deserve the best has resulted in!

It is possible as you said that you are just missing the relationship. I know that for me, personally, I do enjoy being in a relationship - very much so! And there is nothing wrong with that in itself. It's when you would rather be with someone who does not give you the good things, the important things in life that you deserve, than be single, that a problem arises. Being in a relationship for the sake of being in one is not the way to attract the type of relationship you deserve. But you know that.

I think that it is important to not just project confidence and to take positive steps forward - it is just as important to work through your emotions. If you do not, you might make plenty of progress in the right direction, but you will be vulnerable to repeating patterns that you are trying to avoid. Although it is certainly not easy to face such intense emotions, it is easier to do that than it is to find yourself back at square one, full of regret.

The choices he makes in his life are his. You know that you cannot make him do anything differently. He has to want it for himself. Even him wanting to want a better way of life is not enough to result in him getting where he needs to be. He has a lot of hard work and a lot of looking inside of himself for real answers to do in order to get to a better way of life. Not just going through the motions/white-knuckling his way through, but to actually change his perspective and his ways of thinking to where, naturally, it results in a better way of life for himself.

Remember, love is not just a noun. It is a verb, too. You deserve to be SHOWN that you are loved. Regularly, consistently.

I'm sure I have not said anything you don't already know. Sometimes when our hearts make us feel confused, though, it helps to hear it.

Best of luck to you.

Peace.

allysen

I think you are being waaaay too hard on yourself here. Recovery isn't meant to be used as a weapon against ourselves. So you found yourself attracted to him again. So what? All the gains you have made are still in you, and they are what provided you with the reality check you needed to keep yourself a safe distance. If anything, I think you have exemplified what recovery is meant to do. And just because you don't "look at him and see an alcoholic and be repulsed" doesn't mean you're a failure. It means you see him as more than just the sum of his alcoholism. Not everybody living with an A can do that. As long as you can stay detached, stay on your side of the street, and keep working on yourself you'll be just fine. Your only challenge right now seems to be the need to find love/support from trustworthy, stable, and sane sources - rather than an A. Take care of yourself!

shil2587

Thanks to everyone who responded. I needed the permission to feel that bad again temporarily, I think. It's reminded me just how awesome this community is, being able to reach out and have people immediately get in touch who understand completely.

I feel much better today. I took myself for a massage and a long walk along a river-front and just got some peace.

I did meet him to try to build a friendship, I think honestly that I really didn't think I was still so affected by him. Not until I got home after our lunch together. But also, I think I wanted to stay friends with him so that if he did put together a decent recovery and maintain it for a significant period, that we might still be in touch through our friendship and that way keep the door open. I need to re-visit that. I have no intention of being dragged through the mill again.

Onwards and upwards. Keep plugging away at step three. I had been losing momentum so maybe this was the spur I needed.

Thanks again!