amy55

I think my PTSD is kicking up again. I'm OK with most people, I have no expectations from them. I call, if they answer, they answer, if not I know I will hear from them.

So I hear all this stuff about my sister telling my daughter that I never wanted her. And she is calling me 5 times a day. I tried to call her tonight, she doesn't answer. So, I start shaking again, my mind starts going again. Again, those d@mn expectations. I start to think immediately, she won't call me back. I was just calling her about my sons wedding. So I start to flip out here. I know she is home. Is she ignoring me?

My PTSD is from when I was married being treated like I didn't exist at all. He would disappear for weeks or months, and then blame me for being upset, I should get "over it" because at least we weren't fighting while he was gone, who actually says these things, when they disappear for lengths of time.

My kids also learned to not discuss anything, you give the silent treatment.

I know I am just flipping out right now, and nothing really happened and my daughter will call back, but why do I keep getting like this. My blood pressure is up, my heart is racing, I'm thinking the worst of everything, going into a fight or flight thing, and I know "it's me", it's all me. I will not answer the phone like this if my daughter calls me back, I'll just be happy to get get a return phone call, but why am I getting like this?

I thought I worked on this thing already. How long does it take to get over these things? I know it's all me.

mauihope

Sending you a very big ((((((HUG)))))). The thing I'm figuring out is that even though I "think" I've worked through something it keeps on showing up. It's a process and it may never be truly resolved. Taking each day and each moment as it comes....taking care of yourself, making sure you are hydrated and eating good foods and that you are well rested. And realizing you are doing the best that you can.....two steps forward, one step back.....thinking of you and sending you healing prayers.

amy55

Thanks Maui, I haven't been able to eat for a few days recently with the stuff I just heard. I did eat today. My one thing that keeps coming up is abandonment, yet I am ok if I am no contact. Even with my kids. Then something comes up, like me telling her that I always wanted her, and not to listen to my sister, and I just jump into the PTSD stuff. I actually know she will call me back, I just don't understand or know how to deal with this when it comes up. Being around anyone in my family frightens me.

Chelsea1029

So sorry you are struggling. Try to do something just for you. It takes time...

fbw

Big hug. Did your PTSD treatment involve creating a sanctuary that you could go to in times like this to care for the part of you that is hurting ? Mine is a special chair with a special blanket head phones and rain sounds. **** big**** hugs. Remember life is exhausting and when what you know and what you believe are at odds it is damn near Impossible. Be gentle on yourself today.

Dee74

Amy

D

amy55

Thank you everyone, I know this stuff is all me. I have a big fear of abandonment. Don't really have that with anyone else now except family. If I get a holiday with them, then I somewhat expect more, it's all my expectations. I know all this and I am trying to work with this, I just don't know why I still get the physical symptoms when I know in my mind that I am working on this.

It's like something I have no control over, even though I know that I am being irrational. I just go into the past.

amy55

Maybe I should be in the mental health section right now.

Flavia2

The abandonment from your ex wasn't about you-it was about HIM. Keep reminding yourself of that as you are working to get better. Try to do something small to make yourself feel better. Maybe get yourself a coffee?

amy55

I'm really freaking out over nothing. My daughter could have been taking a shower, could have been on the phone, maybe just didn't want to talk to me now, even though we have recently been good for 2 days.

It is all me.

I know I have a lot of old family baggage, and it does have to feel like I don't exist. And I just freak out, and maybe tonight or tomorrow or Sunday I will get a call back. I just really never know. And I'm pathetic

Mags1

You're not pathetic, Amy!
Sending you big (((((hugs))))) and love xx

amy55

It's all me, I can't deal with my family. I have to deal with abandonment issues with them.

lillamy

For right now, can you try to not analyze? Can you try to just find a space where you can listen to your own breathing, or the rain, or birds singing, and focus on your breath going in and out, slowly?

There are guided relaxations you can find on youtube that can help you bring the focus off your emotional state and onto something else.

I have PTSD-ish issues as well and I know that I can spin myself into a state of horrific anxiety when I focus on the actual issue, and it's sort of like waking up at 2 am and trying to solve all your problems, it's just a waste of time because I'm in no shape to deal with anything at that point.

Big warm hugs to you.

amy55

Lillamy

I had a horrific day. My grinder pump got flooded, it flooded my basement, I finally got things under control, was listening to some music, my head was in a good space, and I wanted to call my daughter that I was'nt in contact with except for the last few days, and I went into a panic attack, anxiety attack, prob PTSD attack. I'm going to look up those relaxation exercises.

I think I will be ok tomorrow, if not, going to sit outside. I got my house stained last year, so I can't watch the robins nesting. I know I will get over this, I just don't understand why this is still happening.

amy55

If I can recognize all of this, if I can see what is happening, and why I feel the way I do, why does it still make me physically and mentally ill?

Flavia2

It is still happening because that's the way your body is used to reacting; it's ok though because at least you realize it. You are ahead of where you USED to be- when you thought you deserved being treated badly. Hope you feel better soon, Amy!

amy55

I am recognizing all of this, just don't know why my body is reacting the same way.

lillamy

Different system. Your rational mind understands, your body reacts to another system -- the limbic system? (I'm tired and none of my brain systems are working very well... )

So you can rationally analyze and see everything for what it is, but there's a part of your brain that's like a golden retriever, it reacts on instinct and habit, and may continue giving you PTSD symptoms even though you know rationally that you aren't under threat. (That's at least how it was explained to me...)

I don't think you can call this "mental illness" -- I think PTSD is more like an "allergy" of the mind. You've become accustomed to reacting to threats by fight or flight, and now you do it when stress is high and something triggers. It's pretty hellish. But there is help.

I hope you can sleep, and that everything's better tomorrow.

LifeRecovery

I have heard that PTSD is often associated with incomplete trauma.

Sure your brain KNOWS but your body responds the way it did at the time of a wounding, in the way that it did. I am far from an expert, but this made me feel better just reading/hearing this. What I experienced was NORMAL on the trauma continuum.

It did not always make it easier in the moment, but it did make it easier to understand that I was not crazy.....

Sending kind thoughts to you.

suncatcher

Hi Amy, I struggled with fear of abadonment issues also and I read a book that helped me. It was called "How To Break Your Addiction To A Person" by Howard Halpern. It talked about abandonment issues and how to take care of our "inner child" etc. It really made a lot of sense and I thought I would recommend it to you. I hope it helps. Let me know if you do get a chance to read it and if it helped with what you are going through. Peace and hugs to you. ~Suncatcher