hopeful4

Understand this, her addiction is #1. It is her boyfriend, lover, best friend, child, mother, her everything. She is consumed with thinking about it. You are expecting something that is not within her at this time.

I am so sorry, but that is the reality.

XXX

Lost1978

To complicate things she has these "friends" she talks to online and by phone that egg her on. They tell her I'm being controlling about her drinking and that they drink nightly with no problem. I said maybe a glass of wine but not a bottle or more a night sometimes harder stuff.

hopeful4

Who cares what her friends do? When you hang with the wrong friends.....

This is your life. You need to bring the focus back on how this is affecting YOU.

Hammer

Lost.

DUMP. AND. RUN.

Do you understand what you are dealing with, yet?

The Alcoholism has little to do with this.

DUMP. AND. RUN.

ladyscribbler

It was hard for me to admit that I was controlling. Not me! I was helpful, I was just making sure everything went smoothly, I was just taking care of people. But no, those are all polite ways of saying controlling.
Making boundaries is good. It is healthy. "I will not buy alcohol" is a good enforceable boundary. When we start making rules for other people about whether or not they can drink, or how much they are allowed to drink, that is controlling.
I did it for a long time. I dumped liquor, took money from his wallet, hid bank cards, cried, begged, threatened and basically made myself crazy trying to stop him from drinking.
But the pull of alcohol was too strong. Stronger than me, stronger than our family and anything else he has lost to his disease.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but if you reach out for help you will find support in many unexpected places. I know you're officially on my prayer list. Take care.

Mountainmanbob

if she is alcoholic ?? this will never work for her

I have known many hundreds of alcoholics (recovered and active)
have never met one who for long can drink just one

MM

iSPAZ

She is being controlled primarily by her addiction... alcohol. I hope you protect and take care of yourself first.

Hammer

Maybe, but maybe, maybe not. The whole run-around and suicide routines are Text Book Borderline.

Not so much Alcohol, per se. The Alcohol may just the present sedative.

More likely to get some good help here >>>

Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners

at this point would STRONGLY recommend starting here >>>

[L3] Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship

littlesister1

What do YOU get out of this relationship?
Is it what you want?

These are questions you must look inward for the answers
Peace

Pia

Xfter funds to another account ASAP.

littlefish

When you mentioned that your mother was an alcoholic and the sad way she died, my mind did a quick calculation and yeah, you are very codependent. And, I speak as a child of alcoholics myself.
I would suggest a crash course in codependency, at once! Learn how your experience with your mother set you up for enabling, and prepared you to accept a level of craziness that most people would not tolerate for one minute.

Although your wife's behavior is outrageous, there is probably a lot about it that you are rather accustomed to.

You don't have to live like that: you can change, learn how to detach and set your boundaries and ultimately find happiness in a healthier relationship. Notice I said you can change. Your wife? It's a solo flight. There is next to nothing you can do to change her or affect her downward spiral. She has to want to change and it doesn't sound like she is ready yet.

Lost1978

This is so hard to get out of my mind. I keep thinking of the affair. I was ok this afternoon. Ok on and off. It's kind of just hit me again and the anxiety, grief, depression just takes over. She admits she needs help so she will be seeing a therapist. I never knew how I would react to something like this. It's rough and this site really helps. I know I need to set up serious boundaries and be willing to let go. I'm just so scared. No suicide threats tonight yet. So I guess it's baby steps. I will be opening my own bank account tomorrow. Hope I can avoid weeping at the bank. Never thought it would come to this.

Solar

Lost, I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I really feel for you.

I want to say that you sound to me like a really good and caring person. You're the good guy here. You've worked hard to be the successful person you are, to support your small family, and to try to do the right thing. I respect you.

It saddens me, however, that you don't seem to have respect for yourself. I personally have a zero tolerance policy for cheating. I've been drunk and had opportunities to cheat on more than one occasion, and I've never done it, and would never do it. On the other hand...

These were not simply "some bad decisions". She consciously planned a trip to fly to visit someone expressly to cheat on you. I realize you love your wife, but there is no amount of love I could have for someone to allow them to ever get away with that. I would be gone, and all communication would be cut off. I have too much respect for myself to allow someone - anyone - to walk all over me that way.

I also wanted to bring up something you should be aware of. I had a friend who went through a similar sequence of events as yourself. His spouse also tried to control him with "I'm going to commit suicide if you leave me!", but he left her anyway - as well he should have. When his spouse realized she truly had nothing left, she tried to kill my friend, and next planned to kill herself. Fortunately, her attempt failed, and she was taken into custody. We all thought we knew her extremely well, and that she would never in a million years do something like that. But she did. Please be careful.

Lost1978

Solar. I read posts like yours and I think he's right and then I think yea but she has no job no degree or skills and has been reliant on me for 7 years. My fault as I gave her the option to work or not. Idle hands....I guess I'm not sure where this will go. If she wasn't an alcoholic I'd feel less scared for her. I guess I'm scared to be alone too. Just can't get happier times out of my head and it seems so sad to say that they are over or never even really existed. Still trying to find footing

NWGRITS

Her lack of skills are NOT your fault. You gave her the option, but SHE made the choice to not work. My guess is she had planned on using you as her cash cow and landing pad after her adventures. None of her batsh*t craziness is your fault. None of it. You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. Get out while the gettin's good. Even if she's crying wolf, all it takes is the right combination of Looney toons and alcohol to have her taking out both of you. This is so far outside of the realm of normal behavior. She needs serious professional help. Just keep in mind that therapy only works if she's honest. My AM has been through detox and inpatient therapy a few times. She lied through her teeth to her therapists, so they cleared her and sent her home. She's NPD, and sounds much like your wife. Cut and run, dude. Go.

Lost1978

Nwgrits
I know deep down you are right. So many things going through my head right now and I guess I'm hoping as the days go by I will become stronger and be able to have the strength to end it. I can not even imagine myself with another woman so I just can't understand how she could cheat on me. I would love to be able to wake up and be Clint Eastwood like blueskies said and end it and not break down into a serious depression. But I care for her. I guess nobody ever said detaching was easy.

Solar

Hi Lost,

I understand that this is a very hard time for you, and I certainly will not judge your decisions or how you choose to move forward. But I urge you to please not allow guilt to be a factor in your decision-making.

Here's why:

I have a friend who has two kids and a full-time job, yet she stays up late every night studying for a Masters degree program. She would love to have someone support her to stay at home and earn her education. Unfortunately, she and her husband can't afford this, and so she must continue to work while she studies and cares for her kids.

Meanwhile, you are feeling guilt because you gave your wife the choice to stay home rather than pursue a career. She could have done just about anything during those seven years of staying at home. She could have earned numerous degrees, acquired some different skills, written multiple novels, started her own company... anything. The fact is, she chose to stay home and get drunk every day. She also (and sorry to be blunt) chose to use this time plan a trip to have sex with another man.

Your wife can probably sense the guilt you are feeling, and naturally she will try to play on it to get you to continue to support her drinking. But you should feel proud, not guilty, of the amazing gift of choice that you gave to her while you were working those seven years.

Best of luck to you. We are in your corner.

Lost1978

Just rereading hammers posts. Borderline seems like it could be part of this. That's scary. If she is being honest when she goes to therapy I hope the doctor can pick up on or rule this out. If he does diagnose her with that then perhaps it will make her accept therapy and other changes. I'm just totally dwelling on the affair now. Stages I guess. Anger is starting to crop up. But it's still hopelessly intertwined with all those other emotions to be used effectively yet.

hopeful4

I would expect her to be a master manipulator at therapy just as at home.

So sorry...

Hammer

You may be reading them, but I do not think you are getting them.

Let me re-emphasize the key words that may be hitting a traumatic blind spot or something?

No rush, but when you are ready to hear them . . . .

DUMP. AND. RUN.

There is NOT a Cure for Borderline. Few T's will take them, and few can even work with them. Sorry, but that's the News.

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A.

Have studied this crap way too deep. The latest is that it is Genetic + Environmentally Triggered. ALL way before you. You have had little to nothing to do with it at all either way.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-thread.html