My alcoholic wife cheated and now threatens suicide
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
A clear sign that my AH is on a destructive path is when he responds to me in anger. It is always a red flag to me.
I have had to work SO HARD at detaching from "his" responses, "his" moods..... detaching has been one of the best tools I ever learned to use.
Keep reading these posts. I go over responses DAYS later and hear something I did not the first time through. I am so happy you are here reaching out. You are going to be just fine.....not saying it will be easy, but in the end YOU will be just fine!!
I have had to work SO HARD at detaching from "his" responses, "his" moods..... detaching has been one of the best tools I ever learned to use.
Keep reading these posts. I go over responses DAYS later and hear something I did not the first time through. I am so happy you are here reaching out. You are going to be just fine.....not saying it will be easy, but in the end YOU will be just fine!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by Lost1978 
It's like she isn't doing anything wrong as long as she doesn't get caught.
So, I wanted to tell you the shame and embarrassment you experience are very common. Our breakup happened in July. I have a friend I haven't seen in a year until this last Sunday. I just couldn't bring myself to tell her. She has a kid just a few months older than mine. My X and I went to her wedding with her amazing husband. It's harder for me to reveal the jacked up sh!t of my life to people who seem to have it so good. We were at a birthday party and it turns out she already knew because she ran into X at the grocery a few months back.
Another friend (whose child's bday party we were all at) is from this really nice Catholic family and has this really rock solid marriage. I told her I kept a lot to myself because I was so embarrassed. She was just like, "Don't be embarrassed." She and a lot of people tell me they think I'm strong. I guess if I've made it this far without grabbing a new desperate addict to give me false validation, I must have some kind of strength. And I'm single-momming it, so that's pretty strong. A lot of people have told me I'm stronger than I think I am. That might be true for you too.
People may just be more supportive than you expect then to be. Maybe open up to one ubersafe person to start with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Great falls,my
Posts: 45
God I wish I could hammer. So now after these two aa meetings I find she didn't go today and was passed out drunk on the couch after I come home from work. I thought I'd be coming home to an empty house cause she was supposed to be at her aa meeting. I found the bottle and dumped it out. She only gives me attitude and the only thing she has learned from aa is that it's a disease and of course now she uses that as an excuse to drink. She tried to run off with the car so I told her I'd call the police on her for drunk driving. Gone are any apologies for the affair or the miserable life she has given me over the last few years. I found txt messages from her affair. She even told this guy she loved him. I feed her cloth her have helped her family financially and dealt with the nightmare of living with an alcoholic but she loves him. Apperantly all he wanted was sex. I have to come to terms with her not being who I thought she was. I have to come to terms with her not even trying to stop drinking. I have this image of the future and I have to remove her from it. She was my best friend but I wouldn't treat my enemy as bad as she has treated me.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Well, sounds familiar to the actions I have taken in my relationship with my AH. I stepped into the disease with him. Totally different story line, details....etc. But it is not hard to become a PART of the disease. It can be so overwhelming that you feel like you can't think or feel anything but total confusion.
Please get away from her for at least a little while. There is SO MUCH to process! You can't do it all at once. Baby steps back to finding you before the nightmare. But there is most certainly life after alcoholism. It is mighty powerful.... but not as powerful as life itself.
Please get away from her for at least a little while. There is SO MUCH to process! You can't do it all at once. Baby steps back to finding you before the nightmare. But there is most certainly life after alcoholism. It is mighty powerful.... but not as powerful as life itself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by Lost1978
God I wish I could hammer. So now after these two aa meetings I find she didn't go today and was passed out drunk on the couch after I come home from work. I thought I'd be coming home to an empty house cause she was supposed to be at her aa meeting. I found the bottle and dumped it out. She only gives me attitude and the only thing she has learned from aa is that it's a disease and of course now she uses that as an excuse to drink. She tried to run off with the car so I told her I'd call the police on her for drunk driving. Gone are any apologies for the affair or the miserable life she has given me over the last few years. I found txt messages from her affair. She even told this guy she loved him. I feed her cloth her have helped her family financially and dealt with the nightmare of living with an alcoholic but she loves him. Apperantly all he wanted was sex. I have to come to terms with her not being who I thought she was. I have to come to terms with her not even trying to stop drinking. I have this image of the future and I have to remove her from it. She was my best friend but I wouldn't treat my enemy as bad as she has treated me.
Print this out and keep it.
Look at it anytime you start making excuses for her.
Why are you still with this woman? At some point we are responsible for staying in an abusive situation. She has zero inclination to change, and she clearly doesn't care what she has done to you.
Like Hammer said, time to wake up. You can do it!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
I understand you have your heart and mind invested in this relationship. But can you try to commit yourself to 30 days of no contact? There are 12 months in a year could you try to invest just 1 month to only you?
Take her somewhere safe and start your vacation. Then after your month reevaluate how you feel and think?
Take her somewhere safe and start your vacation. Then after your month reevaluate how you feel and think?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
There's a difference between being loyal and being a doormat. Choosing to stay with this... woman, for lack of a better PG-rated word does not make you look like the good faithful husband to the outside world. It makes you look like a schmuck. No healthy, reasonable person would continue to step up for this abusetime and time again. You're letting her drag you into hell. This isn't a relationship, this is twin suicides.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Great falls,my
Posts: 45
I'm starting realize that I mean understand you know ? Then I start thinking well yea this is a disease which is now her favorite excuse for doing anything to me. The latest us that she stilted one of my credit cards to buy vodka earlier. Lies steals and cheats literally. She's not even nice just monotone asking me to let her get better. She is now saying aa says everybody relapses. But she has been drinking two days in a row now. **** I'm rambling. I'm trying to wake up. It's like she is my Freddy Krueger but I have a deep love and attachment. But I'm detaching I feel stronger than day 1. Stronger but tired.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Lost1978
It's like she is my Freddy Krueger but I have a deep love and attachment. But I'm detaching I feel stronger than day 1. Stronger but tired.
You are already down in the septic tank, but the crap goes down hill from here. If you do not choose to WAKE UP, and get out of this nightmare, you will just get drowned in her sh1t. Btw, you know why it is called HER sh1t? Because it is HERS -- not Yours.
See she does not need your "help." She is doing what she is doing just fine on her own, no assistance needed.
============
My favorite Freddie Line . . . .
Guy at party: How can we help you?
Freddy: Help yourself! *****!
============
[note Very Graphic]
Freddy Krueger - Pool Party Scene - Nightmare on Elm Street 2 - YouTube
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Great falls,my
Posts: 45
So I took the credit card she stole from me back. After I fell asleep she went through my car and found a checkbook but I found it before I left for work. Now she is texting me to get it back. She is he'll bent on drinking and says she's gonna go to aa tonight. I told her to call her sponsor to help her with the urge. Claims she did but just wants it for later cause she has a disease. Now that she calls it a disease she doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. She also threw my low sex drive on my face for all her problems. I'm groggy but I'm waking up. You guys are right. She is not sorry. She does not love me. And I'm a schmuck for putting myself through this. Either way I'll be in pain but divorce will at least give me an end in sight. I think I'm being forced to file this week. I can't help her. She just gives me lip service. And her disease is now an excuse to do whatever she wants. I mean I'm at work and she has the luxury of staying home but she feels the need to give me stress because she is going to drink. Nasty to me sober or drunk. I'm detaching more every day. I just have to get to the point where I can end it. It would be different if she was trying. But there's still lies and drinking. I'm her cash cow that she likes to crap on. I provide her with everything she has and all I ask is to be treated decent. I don't want her to kiss my ass for taking care of her I just want to be told the truth and be treated decent. I have a stressful job and I come home to even worse stress.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Good, Lost. You are gaining back your self-respect!
Once I made myself important, I was able to move forward. Once started, I didn't go back. Yes, there were moments of doubt. Yes, there was pleading and "Whyyyyyyyy?????"
No, I didn't cave.
Once I made myself important, I was able to move forward. Once started, I didn't go back. Yes, there were moments of doubt. Yes, there was pleading and "Whyyyyyyyy?????"
No, I didn't cave.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Lost -- make it through this . . . . .
Madea gives relationship advice Decalz - NeatNick (vodpod) | Lockerz
Madea gives relationship advice Decalz - NeatNick (vodpod) | Lockerz
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
The fact that she's throwing it in your face that she "has a disease" is enough to know she's not taking any of this seriously. She's making a fool out of you and loving every minute of it. She's admitted she's going to drink. AA has never stopped someone from drinking just because they showed up. If that were the case, my mother woulda been sober three years ago.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Hammer - loved Madea and am sharing that out with my son, nephews and nieces - wish I had that clarity of thought 30 years ago .... we should all pay heed to that message about the grave and the home, seriously I could have changed the course of my life with my AH 17 years ago, and wouldn't be waking up now, 18 months off 60 years old starting all over. Lost - you are in time to listen to your gut, get out and start over - I'm so with Hammer on this one. All the best now, and hope you get a weekend retreat from the craziness we all know .....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Great falls,my
Posts: 45
I'm having a rough day. I look around at all her things all the little things I've bought her. I always wanted to give her everything. I wanted her to be the happiest little wife. I still can't believe she had at least one affair. It seems like there are still secrets. She's been drinking again for days. Tried to steal my credit card again. She doesn't even pretend to feel bad anymore. She now has my card and car claiming she is only going to go to the post office to mail off a package (she sold some stuff online) I told her I would drive her but she put up a fight and insisted on going alone yet I feel sad imagining packing up all her little things. I'm not much of a praying man but with tears streaming down my face I prayed that god would help me. Oh god it seems that leaving is my only option she refuses to make a real effort. I just keep wanting her to be like she used to be. She gives me glimpses I guess just enough so her cash cow doesn't leave. Today is dark and full of despair. I foolishly hope she is telling the truth and is only going to the post office but I think we all know she will return with alcohol.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
