Mountainmanbob

sorry to hear about all of this Lost
don't even know where to start
prayers just sent out for you two -- 2:44 PM Wednesday
Bob

biminiblue

You know, you may be trying to make good what happened to your mother by "saving" your wife. It's a pretty common psychological transference.

I spent a lot of years hooking up with unavailable men, trying to "fix" the fact that my father had abandoned me. Or maybe it was that I was comfortable only with unavailable men, since that was the result of my primary male relationship. Either way, I've stopped picking unavailable men.

At least for now

SeriousKarma

Hi Lost,

I'm joining this conversation late, so forgive me if I repeat advice already given, but I don't think I've seen this mentioned yet:

It's never a good idea to engage in a debate, argument, or important conversation with someone who is drunk. No good ever comes of it. In some of you're posts it looks like you're getting into it with your wife after she's had more than a few drinks. You've probably already realized what a slippery slop those kinds of conversations can be. Granted, it sounds like your wife has some very serious problems (I'm so sorry), and she may not be sober very often, which can limit your communication time greatly. Still, it's a good rule to follow.

I so glad you've found your way to SR. I think you're going to find a lot of help here.
((((( hugs ))))))

Pia

I can feel the fear and pain

"don't want to lose my wife." I was scared to tell my AH to leave. I was scared to be lonely. I had so many doubts and what if's especially since I was unemployed.

That was Jan of this year, now fast forward to today. I am so glad I did. He is still a hot mess and I feel so much better in my head. Pushing through the fear helped me see through the fog and sort things out in my head and see how much he would manipulate me and twist everything and I was just a puppy waiting for a treat.

Please get some reading material and Alanon meetings. You are not responsible for her or her actions. I know it sounds harsh to take her to a motel or family's house and leave her. This seems so harsh because it is a normal person way of thinking. What she did to you and expect you to come home with wine is an alcoholic way. Do you see the difference?

There is no sense in talking to a drunk person. It is wasted energy. I could have a better conversation with my dog than my AH. I would take her to a motel and give her money like biminiblue said. And that is still being nice.

Ariel1030

I am so sorry. I have NEVER understood cheating. But I know people that do. I know people on the other side of it. And the cheaters always seem to wiggle their way out.

It sounds like there are a multitude of issues going on. She very much needs therapy. If she really is pregnant she has no business drinking or taking sleeping pills. And how in the world would she run a smear campaign without embarrassing herself and her family? It doesn't sound like this guy is even from the area.

I'm so sorry for your losses. It will get better. Get her into a therapist asap.

redatlanta

Lost, she isn't going anywhere.

You are her codependent and enabler. Unfortunately she has treated you atrociously and you just hang in and move along. Most 'normies" would not accept a spouse back that disappeared for 10 days, much less an affair coupled by lies of a trip and a pregnancy.

Your situation has become so habitual that you are warped to the dysfunction.

The threats of suicide, addiction to sex, and erratic behavior are reminding me of bipolar behavior. Definitely call 911 next time she threatens, a psychological evaluation would in her best interest.

Please stay on the forum and learn as much as you can about Alcoholism, codependency and enabling.

Hugs to you and sorry for your pain.

Pia

Your situation has become so habitual that you are warped to the dysfunction.

Yes Lost, please keep posting. It took me along time to realize this statement.

inpieces314

Yeah, cheating is the dealbreaker for me. I can't stand a cheater, I think it should be punishable by the death penalty. Seriously-I don't even believe in capital punishment, and I really think that.

Alcoholics, though, they kind of cheat on you with the bottle, right? At least it's not another person, another emotional connection. That is a disease (yeah I know, sex addiction is a disease too). And on top of everything else, she does seem to have a serious co-occurring mental disorder. She is probably self-medicating with the alcohol, to be honest.

That doesn't matter-what does matter is that she CHEATED. You can go to Al-Anon all day long to deal with the alcoholism, and even the mental stuff, but that's not going to help you with the cheating. Once a cheater, always a cheater-and if you decide to stay with her, it will always be in the back of your mind, for the rest of your life (did she really go to the grocery store? What is taking so long? Why won't she answer the phone?). I guess it is possible to forgive someone for cheating, but I have never, ever seen anyone do it (or at least, they don't forget-it's always there in the back of their minds).

Lost1978

Today is the first day she is being honest and admitting to the affair and it's like it's opened the wounds wider. I can't stop weeping. I never thought I would act like this since the last time I weeped openly like this us when my mom died. She says she did it cause she's a piece if **** and i told her that she just made some bad decisions. I do still love her but don't know if I can get past this or not. This seems so unreal. She did get wine. The original reason she started to drink a few years ago was back pain and she complained about back pain tonight. I gave in and we are both crying. It feels like our life together is coming to an end. I'm so scared.

inpieces314

You will survive, I did.

I was 19 years old, he was the sperm donor of the 7 year old, and he cheated on me with his ex, repeatedly (and got her pregnant). When I found out I thought I was going to die. I left him, moved out, had the baby. We were supposed to give him up for adoption, and the adoptive parents came, but the baby had a stroke the day after he was born. The doctors told us he would have cerebral palsy, and the adoptive family backed out.

So here I was with a baby, no boyfriend, and no adoptive family. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do (up until this year). I never really got over it. I met the ABF when I was still with this dude, and I am pretty sure he hated him more than I did because of what he did. Although he always did say, he was glad because it gave him a chance with me. When we got into arguments, whenever he would bring him up, I would cry (and this is like, recently-this happened SEVEN years ago!). I refused to look at men afterward, I went five years without a relationship because I was sure they would all do the same thing to me. The only reason why I got with the ABF was because I knew him-I knew he would never do that to me (and he didn't, despite everything else he managed to do to me).

My brother asked me the other day what I would have done if this POS loser died instead of the ABF. I said I would throw a party. Seriously, I hate him that much. He literally destroyed my life. It killed me. It still kills me thinking about it now.

And he wasn't an alcoholic, addict, or anything else but an A-hole. And to this day, he has never seen the 7 year old. We had to go to court for child support a few months ago (I never filed until I filed on the ABF for the 2 year old, and they made me go after him too) and he told the judge that he wouldn't mind visitation. I laughed at him. In the courtroom. Good luck with that. And I made my dad go with me too, because I was scared to be there with him, scared all those horrible emotions would come back and I would be that 19 year old girl again.

It was horrible. It IS horrible. But I made it, and you will too, regardless of whatever decision you make. It will be very hard, but you can do it. Take your time and think it over-and don't let her influence you one way or the other. This is your decision, your life, and there is no way you can be with someone if you can't trust them.

Lost1978

I guess she is owning up to the cheating but now claims she wants to die for what she's done to me. I told her it would just combine tragedies for me. She says she knows I can never forgive her I said you can't know that cause I have no idea if I can. I did tell her that the drinking has to stop and she then says she will be in constant pain and doesn't want pain pills. It seems like there's so many obstacles here it's so complicated. We live a few thousand miles from her family but again not really an option. I told her I need to absorb and think before I can figure anything out.

hopeful4

I hope im wrong but i see lots of manipulation on her part.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

SweetDreams

Lost, I'm so sorry.

I unfortunately know addiction/substance abuse well: my dad was an alcoholic (died at 55); my mom is a problem drinker (into her 80's), my ex was a substance abuser who continues to think getting trashed/high every night is a "life-style" choice and most recently, I became addicted to pills I took for a chronic pain condition.

The kindest thing that my husband did for me was to not tolerate my addiction. He told me it had to stop or he and the kids were leaving. I think he validated something I knew deep down but I needed a solid brick wall to push back against, denial is a powerful thing.

I think your wife needs some hard boundaries. I had a high tolerance for dysfunction and it wasn't until my husband insisted that f'ed up behavior was f'ed up, that I saw it too.

You can show her the way, if she's not ready to follow, there really isn't anything you can do but refuse to live her insanity. You aren't abandoning her by rejecting her drinking, you're letting her know that what she's doing is crazy.

Both my dad and my first husband had big personalities that made it hard for me to be assertive: in retrospect I wish I'd had the confidence to be as truthful as my husband was to me.

Best wishes to you.

iSPAZ

Lost - I made the mistake of not documenting my ex in her drunken blacked out state. She and her drunk counselors planned how she could screw my out of almost everything I owned. She bought a new Lexus days before filing. Stole my inheritance money. Cleaned out the accounts. Ran up debt. Took money from her 401k. Now is drinking it all away as I am left to rebuild. In the end she was texting and messaging her 4 boyfriends in my presence and making it known I would not control her. 20 years I tried to make excuses for her behavior and stand beside her. I did not see the light until I detached emotionally. Now I sit and wonder how did I let myself be treated so poorly. My mother is an alcoholic drug addict as well. She is recently into recovery as she was about to lose everything. You do not deserve to be abused. She is an abuser. She is showing you who she is.... believe her. Mine used to tell me "this is me, this is who I am". And I would argue that this is not you. Protect yourself. Take care of you. I am praying for you as I know the pain you are in right now.

BlueSkies1

Lost, wow. Your mom. You couldn't save her from herself. This is so deep in you, and your wife knows this. You can't save people from themselves. It's not your job in life anyway, isn't that a good thing? The burden would be too great for any of us.
I'm not going to judge your wife on the cheating alone, as many people do get beyond infidelity. It's not one thing, Lost, it's the package that your wife has become. She's out of control, and her enabler--you--is the only person who can put an end to the madness.
Of course she drank last night.
You have two choices here--
1) Status quo--and you slowly die inside.
2) Force change.
Both are not going to be easy. One is a slow slide into death of joy. Two requires immediate forceful action, and that's scary too.
Hardass. Yeah. Time for that. I know it is contrary to your nature after reading about your mother. Imagine that inside you is a strong person who doesn't want to live the madness of what happened with your mother all over again. You don't deserve it twice, lost. You didn't deserve it once. You have to stop the cycle of repeat.
The first thing you have to realize is that you never were given the role of saving either of these women, and you, nor I, nor anyone, is that powerful that we can save people from themselves.
What we can do is insist upon sanity in our own lives. In a marriage that becomes blurry because it looks like we are trying to control another person when what we are doing is laying down the law on what we will accept in a marriage.
Imagine you have a Clint Eastwood voice. "Things are going to change around here." Or pick your own character, perhaps one less threatening but just as strong and determined, one that means business anyway, that is the goal.

Lay down the law or sink into the abyss of despair.
"You will go to rehab. You will get psychological help. You will start working, get out into the world and contribute to society, contribute to the well being of this marriage, financially, emotionally."
Because those demands are normal contributions, lost. Not over the top, not ridiculous, not a mean husband.
She either agrees, or rejects, and if she rejects, your choice is to lose your joy and love of life, or lose her. You can't keep both in this situation.
If at some point you decide on your own that the infidelity was a deal breaker, then none of these other things matter. That's your personal choice, and you have every right to make that decision. You don't owe anyone any explanation beyond your own decision is firm and final.

It was never your job in life to save anyone who is hell bent on destroying themselves, not your mom, not her.
It's your job in life to love life, experience joy, and grow yourself, and when with a partner, to have one that respects your right to those things.

Lost1978

Every morning I wake up and it feels unreal again and I have to come to some kind of terms with it before I can start the day. Anxiety feels real bad now. Not only am I dealing with the cheating but every night she drinks and then comes the suicide threats. Last night she texts me from the bathroom "goodbye" when I go in she is under the water in the tub so I pull the plug and she say why would u do that ? I told her to please stop because it's hard enough to deal with the cheating without this other stuff.

ladyscribbler

When someone attempts suicide (however half-@$$ed and manipulative the attempt is) you can have that person involuntarily committed. That will at least get the ball rolling.
Right now she is holding all the cards. She had no intention of killing herself. She just wanted you to jump through a hoop. And you did. You are allowing a mentally ill addict to run not only your marriage, but your life. If you keep doing what you have always done, nothing will change.
The things you are doing to help your wife are going to help her right into an early grave. Get some help for yourself. That will help her more than all this enabling has.

BlueSkies1

I agree. She plays that suicide card again, tell her card game is over, and call the cops. They will take her away and her little temper tantrum will be assessed by professionals in a place that doesn't have wine, either.
She will think twice about playing that card again.

I know that you know that she's hurting somewhere deep inside. But you can't fix broken, lost. She has to want to be fixed herself, and it's not fair for her to drag you down into the abyss with her. You can kindly tell her that there is help for her, but you can also insist she gets that help.
Of course you would have to be ready for her to reject that, and that means you would have to be ready to act in your own best interests.
There, you might want to talk to a professional counselor yourself so that you can find that strength.

Croissant

She's getting tested for Herpes and HIV and you are staying with her?

Trying to save her will not bring your Mother back. I'm sorry, this is not meant to be offensive, but your wife is a parasite.

Run.

Now.

biminiblue

Lost are you reading the posts here? Because you aren't engaging. It's like you are here to tell your side of the pain and suffering - but you are not processing any of the suggestions here.

I understand that you are living in Crazypantsistan, but you need to engage with something other than your wife. She is trying to continue to run the show. Nothing good is going to happen if she is allowed to continue this behavior.

Call the cops now. Tell the story. Get her committed. Find some peace for yourself.

I would call an attorney, too.