Hammer

You cannot save her, but she can destroy you.

Figure the Triage out on that one.

You do not really need insurance for Alanon, a Sponsor, and Working the Steps Program. Having done that, and having also done T, I have to tell you that Alanon/Sponsor/Steps path seems the FAR more effective choice.

It Works IF You Work It. Get that IF part?

She does not need your help, worry, or likely even really care about your self-inflicted drama. She has all that on her own.

Time for you to get what you need on Your Own.

NWGRITS

She doesn't care if bad things happen to you, so I guess I fail to see where she deserves any "help". You're certainly not helping her at all. I agree with Hammer, you can't save her, but she can destroy you. Actually, I'd say you're making it a team effort to destroy every fiber of your being. What real work are you doing? Pills aren't going to fix anything, either.

ladyscribbler

Part of the Alanon tradition is service work. If you get with the program, so to speak, you will have plenty of opportunity to serve others who will actually be helped by your service, all while healing yourself. Overall it's a pretty good deal.
I serve my group as their group representative, and I also step up to lead meetings. I grew up in an alcoholic family. I know all about putting yourself last. Alanon is free, unless you want to drop a dollar in the basket, and no one will pressure you to share or really do anything until you're ready. Is there any specific objection you have to Alanon meetings? I seem to remember that you were contemplating attending one. Did you ever check one out?

Lost1978

She is drunk again tonight. She snuck off in the car. And got more alcohol. She pawned a bunch of DVDs. She is being belligerent to me. I'm trying so hard to gather the strength to leave. I see it's the only way to save her. She sees me as the enemy. I have to let go. I just wish it were that easy. I love the sober woman who I barely see. I really thought she would take the psych ward seriously. She didn't. Now wants to hitchhike to Alaska. I told her to go if she wants. I doubt she will. I'll have to change things. It's just so damn hard.

FeelingGreat

Hi Lost, it's just getting worse isn't it? As a former alcoholic, we hate anyone who gets between us and our drink. The thing is, she sees you as not allowing her to drink, so she's going to fight you on that. Unless you buy her a crate of vodka you will always be the enemy.

The only hope you ever had was her embracing sobriety, and she's not doing that. You are providing what she needs to keep drinking.

You haven't replied about seeing a counsellor yourself. Are you afraid to talk to a professional?

Lost1978

Haven't gone to one. I hoped her aa meetings would have worked. I will try an al anon tomorrow. It's worth a shot. I feel like I've been beat up. I just don't understand. When she gets drunk she blames me for her drinking and her affair and 7 years of torture. She must have been elsewhere for our marriage. She says we had sex once a year. We would always be at 1 or 2 times a week. Sometimes not if I had worked 80 hours or if she was on a bender. But she has a different image of our marriage. I mean really distorted. It's like she is possessed.

hopeful4

Listen to what has become your normal. Drunk, beliggerent, cheating, psych wards, hitching to Alaska! Good grief. She is 100% out of control and hugely selfish and abusive.

Check out your local counseling pkaces for YOU. Many have sliding scales or even students in residency you camn see cheap or free. I had to do that, it cost $5 per session, she was one of the best counselors ive eve,r spoken to. She truly helped me. Its worth trying as i suspect you have to have srrious self esteem problems after all of this.

Let her go.

Sorry for spelling i cannot type on the nook very well!

Lost1978

I don't even know what self esteem is anymore. I feel pathetic for getting betrayed. I feel stupid for believing her every time she said she was done drinking. I feel like I've bream beat up by her affair and lies and stealing from me. She doesn't even apologies for the affair anymore. Either she accuses me of throwing it in her face or blames me when she is drunk. It's like a monster has moved in. My mom used to throw drunk rages too on to me and my brother but like I said she only became an alcoholic after her divorce. I was 19 so I had many good years before that but basically I've been with an alcoholic for 16 years one way or another. And I feel stupid for not getting it yet.

hopeful4

You have been beaten down for a long time. Its time to pick up and put all that effort you put worrying about her into YOU. You can do this. Your a wonderful and caring person with a kind heart. You deserve happiness and a faithful marriage, not a crazy cheat.

Please take good care of YOU.

XXX

NWGRITS

It's all still about her. **** her. What about YOU?!? Stop worrying about saving someone who doesn't want to be saved. Save yourself.

littlefish

I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling, but at the risk of repeating myself and several other people here, you yourself are the cause of much of your pain.

You are a codependent personality but you don't seem to want to accept that.
You are reliving the nightmare you experienced with your mother, and choosing to do so.
Sorry for being blunt but my style of codependency is the martyr and victim complex, and I see you are exhibiting that style as well.

I sought out people and created situations and that would upset me; I manipulated people into being unkind, unfair, neglectful to me. Codependent? Yea-ah.

You can break away from this habitual behavior, but you have to stop thinking in circles.
She is no Jeckle and Hyde: nice when sober, bad when drunk. She is actually the same person, all the time. Her true nature is just more visible when drunk.
Accept you can't change her now and never will in the future, either. Accept you can't save her. Accept.

littlesister1

What is so hard?
What are you GETTING from this besides pain and grief?
She is treating you like crap.
IT IS THAT EASY
Let her go or go down with her

YOUR choice

Patticakes

Oh my gosh..... I hope you are hearing the message I am hearing over and over. PLEASE start taking care of YOU!!! You can NOT save her..... I KNOW you want to.....but you CAN'T!!! You can only save yourself!! She will get worse and worse and WORSE..... partially because you allow it. I can say that because I did too!!! I walked it, I felt it, I have cried a million tears over it!!

Time to TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! Statistically the NON-DRINKER will die before the alcoholic!! I wonder why????? HUMMMM...... because we tend to carry the WHOLE freaking burden! LET IT GO!!!

That is TRULY said with love.... I promise!! TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!

LightInside

Lost,

What you are fearing here is withdrawal. You get little tastes of it and it hurts, so you try to ignore or run away from it. You are intoxicated by something that is killing your soul and probably even your body.

Hear this: Withdrawal is temporary. It takes courage to allow yourself to go through it, but it is totally surmountable. IT WILL NOT KILL YOU NO MATTER HOW BAD IT HURTS. If you stay the course, you will come through with a new ability to feel joy again. The pain will go away. There are people who are willing to help you through this time. It has been done before by many.

You hate your wife's disease? It is the mirror image of your own. Please get the help that you need.

Let me enable you : http://www.mt.al-anon.alateen.org/district12.asp
Home | Susan Peabody's Message Board for Love Addicts

NWGRITS

LightInside speaks a lot of truth. She was once sitting where you are, not wanting to leave. She posted about the pain of having him gone; it was wrenching and she wasn't sure she would make it. But here she is, a shining example of putting yourself first and persevering through the withdrawal. And she's using her experience to help others. There is a bright future for you, but you have to reach out and grab it. You have to break the cycle and end this for your own well being.

Patticakes

Amen, Amen, AMEN Lightinside and NWGrits!! True on all counts!! I have been working through the Withdrawal and grief that follows and it is HARD!! BUT.... I am seeing and feeling some new things now! There IS light at the end of that dark, dreary tunnel!!

LivingLife4Me

I am reading through Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses...on my own, ahead...and then when I meet with my sponsor once a week to discuss it. It deals with the multitude of losses and the grief processes that we face in relationships with alcoholics.

It is a fabulous book.

Sue
Sue

LightInside

A couple of cautionary statements: Please discuss any changes in medication with your professionals. I think when people say, "Pills won't fix anything," it would be more accurate to say, "Pills won't do the work for you. Pills won't give you self esteem." What pills can do is lift your mood enough to get you going on the actual work you need to do. You do have a lot of work ahead if you want to get healthy. I let someone I was seeing convince me to stop taking my medication, because "it could make me look bad in family court." No. That guy was not a lawyer. He was not a counselor, doctor or other healthcare professional. We can advise you, but to get help making decisions with that, only discuss whether you should or should not be taking them with a pro whom you trust. (plenty of quacks out there). I was pretty messed up when I got off the meds and had to wait for them to kick in again.

The other thing: NW GRITS is right that I have been where you are. However, almost a year after that breakup, I STILL hurt. It is better now. Really. It is. I still hurt though and I think I would hurt less now if I didn't have a child with the A. Someone, an "Al-Ananny" as Hammer likes to call them once shared that she had a bleeding, festering wound caused by alcoholism. She kept going to Al Anon and she said it was like a salve. She just kept putting it on, putting it on. She has a scar now. But it doesn't hurt anymore. That's what I'm going for. I'm glad I'm past that initial Hell. I'm glad to hold the hands of others to walk them out. It helps me see how far I've come. It helps me feel like justice exists somewhere in some form. I'm only warning that it can take a long time. Or... Some people move faster than me. I know I'm getting tools and I'm learning all the time how I don't respect myself, in ways I was formerly so unaware of. I'm building MY second chance at Love, Respect, Peace, Joy. I'm waiting for the pain to go away, but I don't want to die anymore. I put up with less manipulation. I spend time with people
I trust, people who truly value and like me. It doesn't come naturally to me, but I try to act as if it does. Please, keep your hope, but be patient with yourself. and platonic <3