fbw

I am sorry it makes you sad - I really am not disputing that he is abusing me. I know his actions this morning were abusive. I am trying to be very honest with myself. I grew up in an alcoholic home. I am a double winner although Alcohol is not my problem. It is not far fetched for me to be a co-abuser. I recognize that there are many situations ( even in my own life ) where the abusing I am doing is reactionary. If I do not however re-affirm to myself that if I honestly feel I can not control my reaction and feel I am justified in my own abuse to him - then I have to leave. Not because I am wrong or a bad person - but because the impact is too great on me. It is very possible ( maybe even likely) no person could be in my situations and not respond to him the way I do. I understand that. That may mean that no person should be in my situation period - and that means I should walk away. However, if I can not even respect another person walking away from a conversation that is abusive, and if I can not even bring myself to walk away from a conversation that is abusive - there is no way I can walk away from a marriage that is. I will try and I will come back and it will be worse.

If I learn to walk away - and I walk away and I walk away and I keep walking away - the natural consequence of that need to be allowed to happen. It could be good. A trust could build between us that the years of this abuse cycle has torn down. Or at the very least I could learn walking away will not kill me.

Having said that - if he makes it unsafe to walk away, I have a clear and decisive escalation. I was unable to call the police until he threw something at me when I was NOT antagonizing him and instead just not doing what he wanted. I have withstood the fall out of that and felt no guilt about calling the police. I still feel it was the right thing to do.

If I leave I am going to have to be ready to withstand the fall out in myself and those around me. Be sure of myself and that it was the right choice. I have to be willing to sit back let it happen and not feel a moment of guilt about it. I know that if I feel guilt and doubt in my choice, I will fold. I need to handle my son's separation from his father. I need to be able to handle the anger and the pain it will bring in myself. I need to be able to handle the fear and feel solid it was the right choice.

I can do none of that if I can look back and say " I never let him walk away"... " I never walked away"

So yes - he is abusing me. Yes it could get worse. Yes I am not in the best spot to see the full impact of his abuse on me. It is very possible that I am not able to even make a correct assessment regarding my safety. The process of Al Anon and of addressing my actions and fears has worked well for me so far. It has made things better for me. I can not stop doing that - even if I only do it here and do not do it to him. I have to keep for myself and my own sanity acknowledging the things I did right and the choices I had in front of me. I have to keep acknowledging I had a choice - and I made this choice and it was maybe not a good choice and next time ( because there will be a next time ) I can make a different choice.

fairlyuncertain

I kept these quotes, because they show me that you reflect on the impact you have on the people around you. You regularly check in when you hear painful or unwelcome criticism and ask, 'is this true?'

Abusers DO NOT REFLECT ON THEIR BEHAVIOR, BECAUSE THEY DON"T BELIEVE IT IS THEIRS.
They pretend that other people cause their anger, stress, abuse. YOU need to get more perfect, and then it will all just stop. THAT IS A LIE. The truth is, they don't know how to stop, they don't want to stop, it works for them to dominate and control. There is no loving, hurting person inside of the abuse. Sobriety often does not change the cycle of domestic violence, sadly. It seems to be a thing apart.

I highly recommend "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, and googling the Mosaic Threat Assessment, a free quiz designed by security expert Gavin DeBecker. Abuse is no joke. Gaslighting, trying to make you question your own reality and perception of events, is also abuse.

You sound just fine. Human, normal, worried. It is hard to believe that people know the damage they are doing, and continue to behave that way. I am sorry for what you are going through. I went through something similar, so perhaps my statements don't ring true for you. Take what you like and leave the rest, and good luck to you and your kids!

fairlyuncertain

Another good reality check I used is to ask myself, 'how many other people in my life have been "made to" fly into uncontrollable rages just because of who I am? None.

And how many other people found me incomprehensible? None.

And although he 'can't control it,' would he be acting the same way if a police officer was standing beside me? NO.

kudzujean

Great post, Live.

I've been in relationships with abusive men like that one.

fbw

Took the test - using myself and using him as the violent person - the threat for both of us is 6.

I think I am going to honor the fact that I am reflective of my behavior and changing it - day by day. I am not going to consider my acts of a abuse a terminal illness but behavior I can deal with. I am not going to beat myself up for this and just understand I am still working to learn new forms of conflict management. I am also going to understand this is a two way street and my changes in behavior will not make things perfect for my marriage but they will ensure my future relationships if this one ends - do not start out the same way.

I thought very hard about past relationships and my behaviors - I am trying to be aware of the term gaslighting that has been used. I think it would be acurate to say over the past 10 years I have been abusive to all my partners - emotionally and verbally. I think it would be acurate to say that pre-Al Anon I was emotionally and verbally abusive to my husband. I think it might be important to recognize that now that I am really sure I was and can be - I can work to change this part of myself and keep an open mind to the understanding that he is to.

desypete

like i said before fbw your an amazing women with your in depth knowledge of yourself, i hear people cry he is a bad man a abuser and should be shot type of talk but really he is just a child with his emotions and would parents run away from a child who behaves badly trying to get there own way ?
my only worry that is unless he to works the program like you clearly are then from the al anon then its a done deal he will not change and you can not change him either but in aa and al anon in meetings all over the world they have open combined meetings were these things are discussed openly without fear of anyone pointing a finger and judging them or trying to call them abusers and making them feel even worse when they try honestly to address there behavior

thats why i can understand totaly how your trying hard to look at yourself and make allowances for your partner. if he was putting in the effort like you are then you would have a great chance of being a brillent happy couple together like the many couples who have stuck it out in the fellowships are proof the hard work pays off in the end
i have ever confidence in you fbw and you will call time if and when it needs to be and you really dont need people pointing fingers at your partner right now as he is only 6 days off a drink
anyway good luck to you, your an inspiration and i can see in time you will be able to help many many people with your experiences and your knowledge your now gaining

fbw

Final post in this thread I think:
Thank you every one for all your input it was very helpful in working this out!

I spent a lot of time on https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

I posted I scored a 6 as an abuser and he scored a 6 when I assessed him as an abuser. I let him know about it and what I scored. He spent an hour doing the assessment on himself last night. At the end of it - he did not want to talk about it and let me know he was processing the information,I respected that. He did let me know he scored a 6 when assessing himself as an abuser, (a validation for me that I am indeed able to review his behavior and the situation with some objectivism). This has been an eye opening experience for me. I am in no way advocating staying with an abuser - I am not sure what the future holds for me in that regard. I do feel like this time I was able to not play the part the disease was drafting me to play. This is the first time I have seen him actually look at himself. I know this was very hard for me so I suspect it was also hard for him.

The really winner in all of this I think is our son. If both his parents can look at their abusive tendencies and work on them that is golden for him. If I only I can, I will likely leave sooner rather than later and will not end up dishing out the abuse to him I was taking him away from his father to avoid.

This disease is cunning and baffling........

Live

The open light is always on at SR..now, next week, next month, next year.