Am I the abuser
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I had to get out of my relationship with my AH for the fog to begin to clear. He had me feeling guilty for his abuse towards me. I am still not all cleared up yet, but making lots of progress. I didn't leave because I felt so guilty and responsible for all the trouble his abuse and alcoholism caused our lives. I would react and my reactions seemed worse to me ( yelling, ignoring, avoiding, feeling disgusted with) than his lies, drunkenness and violence.
Had to get out.
The national domestic violence hotline is free, 24 hours and excellent.
The first step is to believe in yourself.
Had to get out.
The national domestic violence hotline is free, 24 hours and excellent.
The first step is to believe in yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
After I left, I really started researching abuse. Educating yourself about emotional and verbal abuse is so important. I found Kellie Holly's posts on verbal abuse on Healthy Place so eye-opening. She has a way of describing the abuse cycle so well.
It's hard to sift through the manipulation and lies when you are in it because your self-worth has been shattered.
It's hard to sift through the manipulation and lies when you are in it because your self-worth has been shattered.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Bullfrog 
After I left, I really started researching abuse. Educating yourself about emotional and verbal abuse is so important. I found Kellie Holly's posts on verbal abuse on Healthy Place so eye-opening. She has a way of describing the abuse cycle so well.
It's hard to sift through the manipulation and lies when you are in it because your self-worth has been shattered.
It's hard to sift through the manipulation and lies when you are in it because your self-worth has been shattered.
Can you copy it here? I looked and can't find it. Thank you,
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
About Kellie Holly, Author of Verbal Abuse in Relationships Blog | Verbal Abuse in Relationships
Not sure if this is what Bullfrog was talking about, but it might be helpful.
Not sure if this is what Bullfrog was talking about, but it might be helpful.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
You finished YOUR Steps, if I follow correct?
How strong is Your G.O.D. stuff? The Basis of 1, 2, 3?
Turn MIL and Hubby's Behavior OVER TO GOD.
[ And get yourself and your son clear of the Blast Zone.
]
Look, God and the Angels DO NOT carry folks through the Steps just to abandon them/us on the far side.
Get down on your knees and stay there until the Angels with the Axes have cleared the room. NOT. YOUR. FIGHT. Not anymore. Part of the deal.
Claim the Promises.
AA Promises
Dunno if you understand this, but what MIL did with you is Criminal in Many states. Misrepresenting yourself under a protected license term and then abusing the trust from that misrepresentation is FRAUD. Serious Criminal Stuff. And now YOU have the wontons to call the cops? Doctor Granny (you recall the Beverly Hillbillies?) routines are NOT smiled upon. I am smelling fear. Evil lives in Fear and Lies.
How strong is Your G.O.D. stuff? The Basis of 1, 2, 3?
Turn MIL and Hubby's Behavior OVER TO GOD.
[ And get yourself and your son clear of the Blast Zone.
]Look, God and the Angels DO NOT carry folks through the Steps just to abandon them/us on the far side.
Get down on your knees and stay there until the Angels with the Axes have cleared the room. NOT. YOUR. FIGHT. Not anymore. Part of the deal.
Claim the Promises.
AA Promises
Dunno if you understand this, but what MIL did with you is Criminal in Many states. Misrepresenting yourself under a protected license term and then abusing the trust from that misrepresentation is FRAUD. Serious Criminal Stuff. And now YOU have the wontons to call the cops? Doctor Granny (you recall the Beverly Hillbillies?) routines are NOT smiled upon. I am smelling fear. Evil lives in Fear and Lies.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
Yes, that's the website. Reading through all of her posts helped me so much (as well as lurking here on SR for months.). Reading and hearing other people's stories, and identifying, and seeing it called ABUSE was life changing for me.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
Here is the specific post that I was thinking about:
"Victim Thinks They May Be The Abuser"
Google these phrases:
Healthy Place
Verbal Abuse in Relationships
Kellie Jo Holly
Victims Think They May Be The Abuser |
(apparently I don't have enough posts yet to post links! I'm a newbie, sorry!)
"Victim Thinks They May Be The Abuser"
Google these phrases:
Healthy Place
Verbal Abuse in Relationships
Kellie Jo Holly
Victims Think They May Be The Abuser |
(apparently I don't have enough posts yet to post links! I'm a newbie, sorry!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by Bullfrog
Here is the specific post that I was thinking about:
"Victim Thinks They May Be The Abuser"
Google these phrases:
Healthy Place
Verbal Abuse in Relationships
Kellie Jo Holly
Victims Think They May Be The Abuser |
(apparently I don't have enough posts yet to post links! I'm a newbie, sorry!)
"Victim Thinks They May Be The Abuser"
Google these phrases:
Healthy Place
Verbal Abuse in Relationships
Kellie Jo Holly
Victims Think They May Be The Abuser |
(apparently I don't have enough posts yet to post links! I'm a newbie, sorry!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by Hammer
You finished YOUR Steps, if I follow correct?
How strong is Your G.O.D. stuff? The Basis of 1, 2, 3?
Turn MIL and Hubby's Behavior OVER TO GOD.
[
Claim the Promises.
edit out (newbie)
Dunno if you understand this, but what MIL did with you is Criminal in Many states. Misrepresenting yourself under a protected license term and then abusing the trust from that misrepresentation is FRAUD. Serious Criminal Stuff. And now YOU have the wontons to call the cops? Doctor Granny (you recall the Beverly Hillbillies?) routines are NOT smiled upon. I am smelling fear. Evil lives in Fear and Lies.
How strong is Your G.O.D. stuff? The Basis of 1, 2, 3?
Turn MIL and Hubby's Behavior OVER TO GOD.
[
Claim the Promises.
edit out (newbie)
Dunno if you understand this, but what MIL did with you is Criminal in Many states. Misrepresenting yourself under a protected license term and then abusing the trust from that misrepresentation is FRAUD. Serious Criminal Stuff. And now YOU have the wontons to call the cops? Doctor Granny (you recall the Beverly Hillbillies?) routines are NOT smiled upon. I am smelling fear. Evil lives in Fear and Lies.
I feel like I should back and do a mini set of 12 steps around this situation though. I think because I have not been attending meetings regularly I may have forgotten how helpful that can be. I think I also should re read my journalling around the first 3 steps.
It seems I may need to spend a bit of time in self care, I often forget to do that.
Thank you for the note about it being illegal. It felt like a very deep betrayal and one that I seem to have developed a lot of PTSD behavior around. I think I need to get a real councilor as other posters have suggested and maybe really work through how this impacted me.
I keep going back to knowing I am not strong enough to leave. I did leave once. It really was too much to take care of my son on my own. Together it seems like while we are dysfunctional at times we managed to work on getting his needs met. Alone I became so overwhelmed and depressed - there was no one to spell me out to even shower or pee alone. He was younger then. I think the sad truth as he gets older - leaving will seem more and more appealing and more and more possible.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
fbw, sorry to welcome you here so late. Welcome to SR, sorry you needed to find us.
I was married for a very long time. Over 25 years, lived with him for 25 years. I tried all the self help books, so that I could become better. I knew I wasn't perfect, after all why would my H, now ex, tell me all of these awful things about me. So I tried to perfect myself, and perfect myself. None of that mattered. You see, my ex would get upset, he would "see" me, and he would blame me for everything.
Oh, how my ex wanted to fix our marriage, he kept going to therapist, every time he was going to divorce me, then wanted to come back, he would go to a therapist. And wow, was I sucked into that. You know I loved him, I wanted to do anything to make things better, so now he wanted to do MC, I'm all there for it. What else can I fix about me?? I'll do it.
I got irrational, I got emotional, I got abusive. He followed me around the house, whenever I tried to walk away. He just kept up the pushing all of my triggers that he knew about. When I didn't respond to that anymore, and I didn't react, he told me, "I know a lot of psycho babble, and I know how to set you off".
I guess I knew then, that I was just trying to survive. Maybe that was the point that a I really snapped. He would either sing, "I gotta be me, I gotta be me", or just repeatedly tell me about the submissive wife, and the alfa dominant male, and I would sing in return, (Pink Floyd, "There's a lunatic inside my head, and it's not me"). I lost it. I was no longer sane.
My ex's abuse got worse, each time I accepted more, or each time I tried to set up boundaries. The stronger I tried to get to be back to "me", the worse he got, all the while he was telling me that he wanted me to be the old "me". It was the one that he was able to control.
You came here, you are searching, you are questioning, there is no way that you can go back to the shaking self that you were. I'm not going to say that you are walking on eggshells, I do think you are, and you may deny it, but I do think you are. He may also say that he is walking on eggshells, and that is a sign of abuse. My ex said the same to me. What he meant though was that he wanted to do what he wanted to do, if that meant disappearing for a week or a month, then I should just accept that, according to him, at least we weren't fighting.
For now, thank you for coming here, thank you for telling us your story. You may think that you just came here looking for help, but I have to say that you are also helping a lot of other by just reading your post. Thank you, and I really welcome you here.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
I was married for a very long time. Over 25 years, lived with him for 25 years. I tried all the self help books, so that I could become better. I knew I wasn't perfect, after all why would my H, now ex, tell me all of these awful things about me. So I tried to perfect myself, and perfect myself. None of that mattered. You see, my ex would get upset, he would "see" me, and he would blame me for everything.
Oh, how my ex wanted to fix our marriage, he kept going to therapist, every time he was going to divorce me, then wanted to come back, he would go to a therapist. And wow, was I sucked into that. You know I loved him, I wanted to do anything to make things better, so now he wanted to do MC, I'm all there for it. What else can I fix about me?? I'll do it.
I got irrational, I got emotional, I got abusive. He followed me around the house, whenever I tried to walk away. He just kept up the pushing all of my triggers that he knew about. When I didn't respond to that anymore, and I didn't react, he told me, "I know a lot of psycho babble, and I know how to set you off".
I guess I knew then, that I was just trying to survive. Maybe that was the point that a I really snapped. He would either sing, "I gotta be me, I gotta be me", or just repeatedly tell me about the submissive wife, and the alfa dominant male, and I would sing in return, (Pink Floyd, "There's a lunatic inside my head, and it's not me"). I lost it. I was no longer sane.
My ex's abuse got worse, each time I accepted more, or each time I tried to set up boundaries. The stronger I tried to get to be back to "me", the worse he got, all the while he was telling me that he wanted me to be the old "me". It was the one that he was able to control.
You came here, you are searching, you are questioning, there is no way that you can go back to the shaking self that you were. I'm not going to say that you are walking on eggshells, I do think you are, and you may deny it, but I do think you are. He may also say that he is walking on eggshells, and that is a sign of abuse. My ex said the same to me. What he meant though was that he wanted to do what he wanted to do, if that meant disappearing for a week or a month, then I should just accept that, according to him, at least we weren't fighting.
For now, thank you for coming here, thank you for telling us your story. You may think that you just came here looking for help, but I have to say that you are also helping a lot of other by just reading your post. Thank you, and I really welcome you here.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Also, meant a PS, but time ran out to edit.
When he hit me, I was blamed because I should have been over it already (after all wasn't he just out of the house for a month and a half (due to a restraining order, because I called the police), and how could you tell them I tried to rape you. I didn't. He climbed into bed with me after either disappearing, or just giving me the silent treatment for 6 months. He started to grope me. Ended up, I bit him, because he held my arms, he hit me in the face, I blacked out, then got up and called the cops. The cops said to him, what were you trying to do? get a piece of ....? I was accused for reporting him to the cops for raping me.
Now go back, and read the things that he did to you, and how he blamed you.
PS --- It gets worse each year. The more they excuse themselves and blame you, the worse it will become. I don't know how long you have been with your H. Mine did this when we were marred 23 years. At 25 years he threw a cup at me. It hit me so hard, I will always have a scar on my face. After that cup hit me, it still traveled another 3 ft to the wall and left a whole in the wall.
And he just threw a glass, but didn't mean to hit me with it. BTDT. I had to clean it up, and I do believe he meant to hit me with it.
Sometimes, and I think most times, I do not suggest to get out and get out now for your own safety. I think I'm going to break my rule here. He is getting worse, and you may not feel it, your life may be in danger.
See, I tried to do all this self work, it made him angrier, it made me angrier. I got to the point that I no longer cared about my life. Any of the 2 above things, he could have killed me.
When he hit me, I was blamed because I should have been over it already (after all wasn't he just out of the house for a month and a half (due to a restraining order, because I called the police), and how could you tell them I tried to rape you. I didn't. He climbed into bed with me after either disappearing, or just giving me the silent treatment for 6 months. He started to grope me. Ended up, I bit him, because he held my arms, he hit me in the face, I blacked out, then got up and called the cops. The cops said to him, what were you trying to do? get a piece of ....? I was accused for reporting him to the cops for raping me.
Now go back, and read the things that he did to you, and how he blamed you.
PS --- It gets worse each year. The more they excuse themselves and blame you, the worse it will become. I don't know how long you have been with your H. Mine did this when we were marred 23 years. At 25 years he threw a cup at me. It hit me so hard, I will always have a scar on my face. After that cup hit me, it still traveled another 3 ft to the wall and left a whole in the wall.
And he just threw a glass, but didn't mean to hit me with it. BTDT. I had to clean it up, and I do believe he meant to hit me with it.
Sometimes, and I think most times, I do not suggest to get out and get out now for your own safety. I think I'm going to break my rule here. He is getting worse, and you may not feel it, your life may be in danger.
See, I tried to do all this self work, it made him angrier, it made me angrier. I got to the point that I no longer cared about my life. Any of the 2 above things, he could have killed me.
Last edited by amy55; 05-12-2014 at 09:32 PM. Reason: Another PS
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Originally Posted by fbw
Yes I have done the steps - although it was deemed prudent to make living amends to my husband and not to try and make amends yet for what I see as past harm.
I feel like I should back and do a mini set of 12 steps around this situation though. I think because I have not been attending meetings regularly I may have forgotten how helpful that can be. I think I also should re read my journalling around the first 3 steps.
It seems I may need to spend a bit of time in self care, I often forget to do that.
Thank you for the note about it being illegal. It felt like a very deep betrayal and one that I seem to have developed a lot of PTSD behavior around. I think I need to get a real councilor as other posters have suggested and maybe really work through how this impacted me.
I keep going back to knowing I am not strong enough to leave. I did leave once. It really was too much to take care of my son on my own. Together it seems like while we are dysfunctional at times we managed to work on getting his needs met. Alone I became so overwhelmed and depressed - there was no one to spell me out to even shower or pee alone. He was younger then. I think the sad truth as he gets older - leaving will seem more and more appealing and more and more possible.
I feel like I should back and do a mini set of 12 steps around this situation though. I think because I have not been attending meetings regularly I may have forgotten how helpful that can be. I think I also should re read my journalling around the first 3 steps.
It seems I may need to spend a bit of time in self care, I often forget to do that.
Thank you for the note about it being illegal. It felt like a very deep betrayal and one that I seem to have developed a lot of PTSD behavior around. I think I need to get a real councilor as other posters have suggested and maybe really work through how this impacted me.
I keep going back to knowing I am not strong enough to leave. I did leave once. It really was too much to take care of my son on my own. Together it seems like while we are dysfunctional at times we managed to work on getting his needs met. Alone I became so overwhelmed and depressed - there was no one to spell me out to even shower or pee alone. He was younger then. I think the sad truth as he gets older - leaving will seem more and more appealing and more and more possible.
'nuff said.
As part of your steps -- did they have you do Amends TO YOU -- for putting up with this crap? My amends to ME is to stop putting up with crap.
Was just playing a family game tonight -- kids' request and enjoy that -- and AWtf starts in about whether I am a Narcissist. That is her counter to her own internal battles -- as I have pretty well got all the mapping on her Borderline Personality Disorder stuff, and she feels one-down.
In truth, I come in on the other end of the scale -- I have low self-esteem -- but it is meant to be an effective cut-down, since I am clearly doing better with the Steps Program and all.
In my mind it just helps me know which way I am heading. So she can be all the Ass she wants to -- just makes cutting things easy for me.
---------------
I guess the Bottom Line is this: ALL Things Work Together For Good . . . For Those Who Love Good/God.
Just keep that second part aligned, and the first part takes care of itself.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 75
To add more information. We have been friends for 15 years. Dated for 3 and married for 2.
It is not lost on me that I married and had a child with a man who had already hit me. I can not explain the denial I was in over the whole thing and maybe still am.
It is not lost on me that I married and had a child with a man who had already hit me. I can not explain the denial I was in over the whole thing and maybe still am.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
fbw,
It seemed like you were putting yourself down, in that last post. Please don't do that. We have all done that.
I know the more I was reading self help books, the more I felt less then nothing.
Just know, that you are you. You are a special person. We love you.
We remember what it was like to feel the same way that you do.
We stay here, either because we are still in it, we just left it, we are trying to get over it, or we just don't want to see someone else hurt the same way that we were.
Just adding: If you think we are strong, or I am strong, after my ex hit me, and I blacked out, who do you think posted his bail? Who stayed another 2 1/2 years with him? Who stayed another 7 months after that cup was thrown? It was me.
There is no judgement here.
It seemed like you were putting yourself down, in that last post. Please don't do that. We have all done that.
I know the more I was reading self help books, the more I felt less then nothing.
Just know, that you are you. You are a special person. We love you.
We remember what it was like to feel the same way that you do.
We stay here, either because we are still in it, we just left it, we are trying to get over it, or we just don't want to see someone else hurt the same way that we were.
Just adding: If you think we are strong, or I am strong, after my ex hit me, and I blacked out, who do you think posted his bail? Who stayed another 2 1/2 years with him? Who stayed another 7 months after that cup was thrown? It was me.
There is no judgement here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by amy55
fbw,
It seemed like you were putting yourself down, in that last post. Please don't do that. We have all done that.
I know the more I was reading self help books, the more I felt less then nothing.
Just know, that you are you. You are a special person. We love you.
We remember what it was like to feel the same way that you do.
We stay here, either because we are still in it, we just left it, we are trying to get over it, or we just don't want to see someone else hurt the same way that we were.
Just adding: If you think we are strong, or I am strong, after my ex hit me, and I blacked out, who do you think posted his bail? Who stayed another 2 1/2 years with him? Who stayed another 7 months after that cup was thrown? It was me.
There is no judgement here.
It seemed like you were putting yourself down, in that last post. Please don't do that. We have all done that.
I know the more I was reading self help books, the more I felt less then nothing.
Just know, that you are you. You are a special person. We love you.
We remember what it was like to feel the same way that you do.
We stay here, either because we are still in it, we just left it, we are trying to get over it, or we just don't want to see someone else hurt the same way that we were.
Just adding: If you think we are strong, or I am strong, after my ex hit me, and I blacked out, who do you think posted his bail? Who stayed another 2 1/2 years with him? Who stayed another 7 months after that cup was thrown? It was me.
There is no judgement here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I have to tell you fbw, I was in that river denial a really long time. Sometimes I don't know if I'm still there, or if I disassociated with everything.
I hear you say that you can't make it on your own, or you "think" you can't. I didn't either. I never paid the bills in the house. First it was my mom, then it was my ex. I was so afraid to be alone, but when I looked back on everything, I was so alone, I was more alone married.
I hear you say that you can't make it on your own, or you "think" you can't. I didn't either. I never paid the bills in the house. First it was my mom, then it was my ex. I was so afraid to be alone, but when I looked back on everything, I was so alone, I was more alone married.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I'll never to tell you what decision to make. That is yours, and yours alone. I just want you to know that I will be here for you whenever you want to talk. I know how important that was, I know how much I isolated myself because I knew no one would understand. I was actually wrong about that, but until you feel comfortable, this is an anonymous forum, and I will be here for you.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
Research the abuse cycle and trauma bonding and you'll understand better why you stay and/or keep coming back. It's pretty much brainwashing.
I went back too. I made excuses and was in denial too. You'll get no judgement from me.
I went back too. I made excuses and was in denial too. You'll get no judgement from me.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My husband never hit me, although I did hit him once. First.time.in.my.life that I ever hit anyone. He later told me that he knew he was pushing my buttons and wanted to make me that mad so he could go use/drink. My therapist told me to watch out because abusers are great at turning the tables. It's all so sick and twisted!!
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