Am I the abuser
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I just wanted to talk about something. Hope ya'll don't mind.
I went to group therapy for 6 weeks. It was after what my ex labeled a suicide attempt. It wasn't. I was just sooooo messed up from what I was going thru in my marriage that I drank a bottle of wine, (and I don't even like wine), and took some otc sleeping pills. I just wanted to go to sleep. I had a problem with sleep, I never knew when he would get angry, never knew when he would get home, if he even came home, but the worst feeling was, the walking on eggshells. OK, so he doesn't come home. I drank that bottle, then took 3 otc sleeping pills, he showed up an hour later. I was sleeping. He called 911, said I was trying to kill myself.
So the cops come. They wake me up. I got up immediately. They tell me to get dressed, I do that. I go in the ambulance to the hospital. OK, now I am awake for the whole night. If he just let me be, I would have slept that night.
The best thing happened. They made me go to 6 week out-patient mental health care. Guess in the beginning, I might have been upset, but you know what?????
I was allowed to talk. I wasn't allowed to express my feelings, my views, or my opinions in my marriage, and now they wanted me to, actually it felt like demanded me to.
So I spoke, and people listened. And I wondered why, why would anyone want to listen to me, I'm stupid !!!!! But, they kept making me talk. I think it took maybe one whole day to believe that people might want to hear me, might want to listen to me, that I am not boring them, ......... well (lol), the well, burst. I just talked and talked, and I listened to the others, and I became friends with them. Wow...........look at me, I made friends, something my ex told me that I could never do. I had been diagnosed with severe situational depression. That was what they put down when I was admitted to that hospital. In fact, I just needed to get it all out. I held too much in. Why??? I couldn't tell my ex (then H), how he made me feel. He would just get mad at me, and yell at me some more.
Oh, PS, I was also diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety attacks and panic attacks due to my marriage.
I went to group therapy for 6 weeks. It was after what my ex labeled a suicide attempt. It wasn't. I was just sooooo messed up from what I was going thru in my marriage that I drank a bottle of wine, (and I don't even like wine), and took some otc sleeping pills. I just wanted to go to sleep. I had a problem with sleep, I never knew when he would get angry, never knew when he would get home, if he even came home, but the worst feeling was, the walking on eggshells. OK, so he doesn't come home. I drank that bottle, then took 3 otc sleeping pills, he showed up an hour later. I was sleeping. He called 911, said I was trying to kill myself.
So the cops come. They wake me up. I got up immediately. They tell me to get dressed, I do that. I go in the ambulance to the hospital. OK, now I am awake for the whole night. If he just let me be, I would have slept that night.
The best thing happened. They made me go to 6 week out-patient mental health care. Guess in the beginning, I might have been upset, but you know what?????
I was allowed to talk. I wasn't allowed to express my feelings, my views, or my opinions in my marriage, and now they wanted me to, actually it felt like demanded me to.
So I spoke, and people listened. And I wondered why, why would anyone want to listen to me, I'm stupid !!!!! But, they kept making me talk. I think it took maybe one whole day to believe that people might want to hear me, might want to listen to me, that I am not boring them, ......... well (lol), the well, burst. I just talked and talked, and I listened to the others, and I became friends with them. Wow...........look at me, I made friends, something my ex told me that I could never do. I had been diagnosed with severe situational depression. That was what they put down when I was admitted to that hospital. In fact, I just needed to get it all out. I held too much in. Why??? I couldn't tell my ex (then H), how he made me feel. He would just get mad at me, and yell at me some more.
Oh, PS, I was also diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety attacks and panic attacks due to my marriage.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
It sucks that I identify so much with abuse stories. But it helps me tremendously to get stronger and healthy.
I didn't even realize the extent of the damage and PTSDishness until I left and got out of the FOG. I was told it was all ME for years. Now? I sleep peacefully at night now. I wake up happy. I feel thankful for my life and my blessings most of the time. I really like my life.
I didn't even realize the extent of the damage and PTSDishness until I left and got out of the FOG. I was told it was all ME for years. Now? I sleep peacefully at night now. I wake up happy. I feel thankful for my life and my blessings most of the time. I really like my life.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Amy, you are a wonderful person! I value what you say, we are here for you! It's great that you gained so much from therapy. I am a poster child for therapy, I believe we should all have it on a regular basis!
Tight Hugs friend!!!!
Tight Hugs friend!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
My husband never hit me, although I did hit him once. First.time.in.my.life that I ever hit anyone. He later told me that he knew he was pushing my buttons and wanted to make me that mad so he could go use/drink. My therapist told me to watch out because abusers are great at turning the tables. It's all so sick and twisted!!
I am meeting with a counselor tonight and I told him, he has let me know He is happy I am taking the fact that I am abusing him seriously. I know I should feel like he is saying something nice here but it made me sick to my stomach to hear him say that.
I mentioned the fact that I tell him I feel abused and he tells me all the ways it is my fault. He told me he resents I paint that picture of him. So I changed my wording to his wording " I tell you I am abused and you put it in context"
He keeps saying " I have no time to work on my steps what do you want me to give up"
I mentioned this morning he could give up a video game he plays. He said " You are not understanding the amount of effort I am willing to put in"
He is correct I do not understand - right now there is no effort because he claims no time.
This whole line of thinking and everything I am reading has me so confused and so depressed I am having a hard time even breathing. I do a lot of the things I read other people are describing their abusers doing. I do not want to be an abuser. I know I am trying to change. I no longer chase after him when he leaves - with about 90% recovery in that. It happens from time to time still. l feel like I am slow to anger but the truth is I snap. I try not to for a really long time and then I feel like it is all too much and I snap. I am mean. I know I am. When I was in therapy to deal with PTSD from my child hood I did a personality map to deal with the dissociation. When I get really triggered and really hurt - I first shut down and then I get very very very angry. Like a bear protecting her cubs - but the cubs are me.
I Think he is like that too. He has never sought help for it and never dealt with it. He does not wish to be labeled. He talks about the fact that he probably has Aspergers but chose not to seek help for it - with pride. He talks about not taking medication for his anxiety as if it means he has a command of himself.
I am suppose to pick up my Son's passport today, then fly to Canada for 10 days while my sister gets married. Living every day minute by minute. One day is a bit too much for me right now.
Why I need to be strong to leave:
I am in this Country on what is called an H4. It does not allow me to work. My husband is an H1B. He financially supports me 100 percent right now.
A green card is in our future. ( 15 months out )
I suffer from severe depression. I am on medication it helps a lot - accept on days like today. I need help and support in raising my child. He is a good father most of the time. He is helpful in looking after our son.
When I leave I know from experience I lose that. He becomes paranoid that I will take his son out of the country ( which I can not do with out his permission or a court order ). He refuses to come out and help on the weekends or disappears altogether not answering his phone for days while I deal with a distraught child who is looking for his dad.
I become further isolated because I can not go any where or do anything - no childcare.
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He says he does all of this to protect from me. He tells me he is walking on egg shells and scared he will not be perfect and I will get mad. I feel like he might just be parroting back things I have said to him ....
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He took our son this morning because I was up with him all night. He did the dishes and took out the garbage. I could hear our son upset. he was upset because no one gave him breakfast. Mentioning this to my husband was abuse - I failed to see the good he did and instead criticized. I feel like he does that to me to. He does it with really unimportant stuff - I do it with big stuff - Our son wakes up - HE NEEDS TO EAT. You do not just change diapers when he poops. You put sun screen on him when he goes outside.
If he is crying and you do not know why --- figure it out.
Pay attention to what he is doing when you are in an unsafe, non baby proof area, he is a toddler you can not just tell him to not do something and expect he will listen. I do feel like Dad's get a lot of heat because they take more risks. I try to be careful about what is IMPORTANT and what is just my value on safe.
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Today I wish I never had my son. I would walk away and never look back. I waited a long time to have a baby. I was scared I waited too long. Now I feel like I did not wait long enough.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Thank you so much for opening up to us. I do understand. I also want to suggest something to you for additional support for you. Call the DV hotline. It doesn't matter what your status is in whatever country. You are being abused.
My ex always tried to tell me that I was the abusive one. Sometimes I think I remained calm while he was doing and saying things, other times I think I just snapped, and went into like a primal survival mode. It sounds something like you are talking about here.
I really don't see anywhere where you were starting a fight. I see where you became reactionary to what was going on. Sometimes, we really do try to detach, detach, detach, but they follow us around, pushing every button that they know how to push, and if they can't find it, they look for new ones.
I sometimes felt like my marriage was a war zone. Never knowing where to step, never knowing when something would just blow up right in my face. Never knowing why or when. After all I took the same steps the other day, and it was OK, but it blew up today !!!!!!!!! Always questioning why? Always trying to do better so that I didn't step on that mine today. But I still did.
I need to say this. I wasn't able to fix anything, or to improve myself in any way, because it didn't matter. Whatever I tried to fix, there were a million other things that he would find wrong with me. It really only depended on how he felt that day. I'll repeat, ------ it really only depended on how he felt that day . Think about that. If he felt good, he was good that day. He was the person I married. If he didn't feel good, OMG, maybe it's raining, and he wanted sun that day, then everything was my fault.
I tried my hardest to stay out of the fights, thinking to myself, why should "I" get involved? He is fighting with "himself", and I knew nothing I could say or do would change anything. The things that he was hearing me say, were being filtered through his brain, that he was fighting with, so it all came out to be how his mind determined how I said something. If I said nothing at all, I was also wrong. It was always a lose/lose situation. It didn't even matter if I was there.
He once told me that he was fighting with me, or mad at me, even before he came home. That he knew that I would be mad if he went to the bar and got drunk, so that's why he went. Because he was already fighting with me in his head.
I don't know if this makes sense. Just know that sometimes, there are questions with no answers, fights for no reasonable answer. Just sometimes things that can make you crazy because you are trying to look at reasonable, and you are talking to insane.
My ex always tried to tell me that I was the abusive one. Sometimes I think I remained calm while he was doing and saying things, other times I think I just snapped, and went into like a primal survival mode. It sounds something like you are talking about here.
I really don't see anywhere where you were starting a fight. I see where you became reactionary to what was going on. Sometimes, we really do try to detach, detach, detach, but they follow us around, pushing every button that they know how to push, and if they can't find it, they look for new ones.
I sometimes felt like my marriage was a war zone. Never knowing where to step, never knowing when something would just blow up right in my face. Never knowing why or when. After all I took the same steps the other day, and it was OK, but it blew up today !!!!!!!!! Always questioning why? Always trying to do better so that I didn't step on that mine today. But I still did.
I need to say this. I wasn't able to fix anything, or to improve myself in any way, because it didn't matter. Whatever I tried to fix, there were a million other things that he would find wrong with me. It really only depended on how he felt that day. I'll repeat, ------ it really only depended on how he felt that day . Think about that. If he felt good, he was good that day. He was the person I married. If he didn't feel good, OMG, maybe it's raining, and he wanted sun that day, then everything was my fault.
I tried my hardest to stay out of the fights, thinking to myself, why should "I" get involved? He is fighting with "himself", and I knew nothing I could say or do would change anything. The things that he was hearing me say, were being filtered through his brain, that he was fighting with, so it all came out to be how his mind determined how I said something. If I said nothing at all, I was also wrong. It was always a lose/lose situation. It didn't even matter if I was there.
He once told me that he was fighting with me, or mad at me, even before he came home. That he knew that I would be mad if he went to the bar and got drunk, so that's why he went. Because he was already fighting with me in his head.
I don't know if this makes sense. Just know that sometimes, there are questions with no answers, fights for no reasonable answer. Just sometimes things that can make you crazy because you are trying to look at reasonable, and you are talking to insane.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Abusers and addicts are totally famous for turning the tables so they don't have to accept any responsibility. It's manipulation in a terrible way.
I agree, call the DV hotline and they can help you.
XXX
I agree, call the DV hotline and they can help you.
XXX
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
Call the DV hotline. It won't get any better.
I hate to think of you being with this abuser who throws things at you. One of my FOO members did that to me.
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
I hate to think of you being with this abuser who throws things at you. One of my FOO members did that to me.
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
When I said abusers do not reform, I was talking about the personality type of your husband. He would replicate this pattern with everyone he would be with, his x, you, his next.
I think you have twisted yourself into pretzels trying to cope and you have a built in fight or flight just like we all do, you've been pushed too far and may have fought with him on "his" terms at times. I don't think that is your natural response and approach, whereas it is the only one for him.
I don't feel like I can say more without re-reading the entire thread, this one is hitting far too close to home for me. I lived it. It very nearly destroyed me. In some ways it did.
I think you have twisted yourself into pretzels trying to cope and you have a built in fight or flight just like we all do, you've been pushed too far and may have fought with him on "his" terms at times. I don't think that is your natural response and approach, whereas it is the only one for him.
I don't feel like I can say more without re-reading the entire thread, this one is hitting far too close to home for me. I lived it. It very nearly destroyed me. In some ways it did.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 75
I have been reading more about emotional abuse and abuse. I try not to live in the past as much as possible - I think I am starting to see in the chicken and the egg affect of which came first - it is very possible his abuse came first.
The checking of my emails - reading private conversations, hacking into my server early on. Having me quit my job move countries to be with him and then keep me jumping hoops to stay. My conversations where not appropriate at times ( my own addiction issues ) but they were my mistakes to have. Deciding who I could spend time with and how much time was ok to spend with X person. Accusations that continue to this day regarding the paternity of his son - 3 paternity tests later all of which name him the father. The anger over what he deemed unexplained miles on car. It all adds up. Sharing details of our sex life with his mom.
My part (prior to Alanon ) being - fighting with him about using and drinking. Vacations he showed up to high - getting angry and making a big deal out of it - making him talk about it and explain why he was betraying me like this . Calling him an addict, a lier, a cheat, an ******* you name it really. Sharing his actions openingly with others. Making others part of our relationship by sharing details of our life. Begging him to not leave me when he was mad. Lying to him when confronted with past emotional affairs I had - when he found them a year after they ended by reading my emails. This used to be my response to his drinking and using- engage in emotional affairs with others.
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It is reactionary. If I can not stop reacting to him I have to not be with him. It is not ok for me to abuse him even if it is reactionary. It took me a long time to get to a point where I could say " emotional affairs are not excused by others bad behaviors. " ... I am not going to allow myself to fall into a trap of excusing my bad behavior because he pushed my buttons. If I can not handle the situation I have to exit it. If I am now at a point where any slight direction of upset or anger in him has me pariniod he is going to fume over it for weeks and then explode on me and I will have no idea what happened.....
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He had a conversation with his mom about her only sending mail to his work. She is worried I would not deliver it or steal it. So he waited a few days and tested me. But he `asked me about the mail when we returned from our other home. I said " I wish you would have asked me that when were in XX I left all the mail out there"
he exploded to me about lying to him and about how he defended me to his mom and I was unable to even give him his mail. I eventually realised he meant the mail at the house we were in and I said It is on the counter.
He did apologise after I eventually asked him if he had put a patch on.
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This stuff is eating at my soul. I truly am walking on egg shells. If I go out with my friends I only wear sweat pants and a hoodie no make up, I am scared he will think I am having an affair. I can not fight against his imaginary situations. If a male friend visits and I happen to have shaved my legs that day he fears I am having an affair. None of this stuff looks as loud and awful as me yelling or getting mad ... it is quiet and painful.
I need to keep thinking about this. I do not have to solve this right now or today.
The checking of my emails - reading private conversations, hacking into my server early on. Having me quit my job move countries to be with him and then keep me jumping hoops to stay. My conversations where not appropriate at times ( my own addiction issues ) but they were my mistakes to have. Deciding who I could spend time with and how much time was ok to spend with X person. Accusations that continue to this day regarding the paternity of his son - 3 paternity tests later all of which name him the father. The anger over what he deemed unexplained miles on car. It all adds up. Sharing details of our sex life with his mom.
My part (prior to Alanon ) being - fighting with him about using and drinking. Vacations he showed up to high - getting angry and making a big deal out of it - making him talk about it and explain why he was betraying me like this . Calling him an addict, a lier, a cheat, an ******* you name it really. Sharing his actions openingly with others. Making others part of our relationship by sharing details of our life. Begging him to not leave me when he was mad. Lying to him when confronted with past emotional affairs I had - when he found them a year after they ended by reading my emails. This used to be my response to his drinking and using- engage in emotional affairs with others.
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It is reactionary. If I can not stop reacting to him I have to not be with him. It is not ok for me to abuse him even if it is reactionary. It took me a long time to get to a point where I could say " emotional affairs are not excused by others bad behaviors. " ... I am not going to allow myself to fall into a trap of excusing my bad behavior because he pushed my buttons. If I can not handle the situation I have to exit it. If I am now at a point where any slight direction of upset or anger in him has me pariniod he is going to fume over it for weeks and then explode on me and I will have no idea what happened.....
---------------------
He had a conversation with his mom about her only sending mail to his work. She is worried I would not deliver it or steal it. So he waited a few days and tested me. But he `asked me about the mail when we returned from our other home. I said " I wish you would have asked me that when were in XX I left all the mail out there"
he exploded to me about lying to him and about how he defended me to his mom and I was unable to even give him his mail. I eventually realised he meant the mail at the house we were in and I said It is on the counter.
He did apologise after I eventually asked him if he had put a patch on.
---------------------
This stuff is eating at my soul. I truly am walking on egg shells. If I go out with my friends I only wear sweat pants and a hoodie no make up, I am scared he will think I am having an affair. I can not fight against his imaginary situations. If a male friend visits and I happen to have shaved my legs that day he fears I am having an affair. None of this stuff looks as loud and awful as me yelling or getting mad ... it is quiet and painful.
I need to keep thinking about this. I do not have to solve this right now or today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
fbw,
You don't have to decide anything today. Actually today might not be a good day. You are being hit with a lot right now, might be best to be able to sit and digest things for awhile.
Just in case the DV # is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). I really do care about you.
You don't have to decide anything today. Actually today might not be a good day. You are being hit with a lot right now, might be best to be able to sit and digest things for awhile.
Just in case the DV # is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). I really do care about you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 75
This is from the website he told me he was reviewing that helped him conclude I am abusing him. I can not post the link
I have tried to address each of the things as honestly as I can. I hear every one telling me I am not the abuser but I guess I wan to make sure I am not painting an inaccurate picture.
Withholding: Does she stop speaking to you when she's displeased? Ignore you? Withdraw affection in order to punish you?
_______________________________
I never withhold affection - the oppisit actually is my problem - when he is mad I will give more affection.
Countering: Does she tell you you're wrong if you don't agree with her? Argue against your every thought? Tell you your feelings are wrong? Tell you that you don't know what you're talking about? Does she forbid you from having your own opinions?
Ridicule [Verbal Abuse Disguised as Jokes]: Does she make fun of you? Ridicule you regarding subjects about which you are particularly sensitive? Does she seem to enjoy it? Does she accuse you of not being able to take a joke? Does she use sarcasm to put you down?
_________________________
I often say " Feelings are not facts" prior to Alanon I would defend against his feelings.
Calling him pariniod often.
____________________________
Blocking and Diverting: Does she change the subject when you try to bring something up? Divert serious discussions by accusing you of various things?
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I never do this - if he brings it up I talk about --- UNLESS he brings it up as a deflection to what I am trying to express. Even then I mostly talk about it.
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Accusing and Blaming: Does she blame you for everything that goes wrong? Accuse you of hurting her when you tell her your feelings? Does she accuse you of having affairs? Is she jealous?
______________________
I do tell him his feelings hurt me ALOT
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Trivializing: Does she belittle what you say? Dismiss your feelings or accomplishments? Insult you when you express pride in your own abilities? Does she act as if your work is no big deal?
_---------------------------------------
I have started saying to him " I know you are uncomfortable with what I am doing but this is happening " I am his cheerleader - work, home, every where.
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Under-mining: Does she squelch your enthusiasm with insensitive comments such as, "You wouldn't understand", or "You'll never make it"? Does she sabotage your ideas by pointing out all the ways in which they might fail? Interrupt you when you need time alone?
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I DO interrupt when he needs time alone A LOT!
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Threatening: Does she threaten you, overtly or covertly? Threaten you with violence? Threaten you with emotional pain? Does she threaten you with knives, guns or some other weapon?
_____________________
I often threaten to leave.
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Name-calling: Does she use vulgarities to insult you? Call you cruel names? Use terms of endearment with intense sarcasm?
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He once slapped me across the face for saying " I love you " In a snotty tone.
I do call him names when I am angry - this one is an bad habbit of mine.
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Forgetting: Does she make a promise and then "forget" to keep it? Does she pretend not to remember certain incidents or discussions? Pretend not to remember prior agreements?
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NEVER ... but I do forget things from time to time.
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Ordering: Does she order you to do something instead of asking? Demand things?
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Maybe I do this not sure....
Judging and Criticizing: Does she find fault with everything you do? Does she tell you that you "ought to" or "should" do things a certain way?
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I do often say you should not treat me this way.
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Denial: Does she deny that certain things happened? Does she tell you that she didn't say something or that you never saw something occur?
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I do not think I do this.
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Abusive Anger: Does she erupt into a rage when she's angry? Does she scream, yell, or shout? Hurl obscenities? Does her body language become more aggressive? Does she stomp, strut, hit things, or hit you? Become red in the face? Throw things?
Does she physically get in your way, or follow you from room to room? Snap at you? Is she usually irritable? Does all of this usually take place in private, when you are alone? [ It's a sure sign things are escalating if she attacks you in public. ]
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Yes I do not throw things at him or hit him but the rest - when I snap this happens ALL OF IT. It is the thing that I know I do and have worked and prayed tirelessly for a year once I became aware of it to stop. I would say I am 50% better at not doing this.
----------------------------------------------------
Refusal to Accept Responsibilty: Does she blame you for her anger?
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I am not sure - I think sometimes I must blame him for my anger. I know I used to a lot.
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I have tried to address each of the things as honestly as I can. I hear every one telling me I am not the abuser but I guess I wan to make sure I am not painting an inaccurate picture.
Withholding: Does she stop speaking to you when she's displeased? Ignore you? Withdraw affection in order to punish you?
_______________________________
I never withhold affection - the oppisit actually is my problem - when he is mad I will give more affection.
Countering: Does she tell you you're wrong if you don't agree with her? Argue against your every thought? Tell you your feelings are wrong? Tell you that you don't know what you're talking about? Does she forbid you from having your own opinions?
Ridicule [Verbal Abuse Disguised as Jokes]: Does she make fun of you? Ridicule you regarding subjects about which you are particularly sensitive? Does she seem to enjoy it? Does she accuse you of not being able to take a joke? Does she use sarcasm to put you down?
_________________________
I often say " Feelings are not facts" prior to Alanon I would defend against his feelings.
Calling him pariniod often.
____________________________
Blocking and Diverting: Does she change the subject when you try to bring something up? Divert serious discussions by accusing you of various things?
----------------------------------------
I never do this - if he brings it up I talk about --- UNLESS he brings it up as a deflection to what I am trying to express. Even then I mostly talk about it.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Accusing and Blaming: Does she blame you for everything that goes wrong? Accuse you of hurting her when you tell her your feelings? Does she accuse you of having affairs? Is she jealous?
______________________
I do tell him his feelings hurt me ALOT
-----------------------------------------------
Trivializing: Does she belittle what you say? Dismiss your feelings or accomplishments? Insult you when you express pride in your own abilities? Does she act as if your work is no big deal?
_---------------------------------------
I have started saying to him " I know you are uncomfortable with what I am doing but this is happening " I am his cheerleader - work, home, every where.
--------------------------------------------------------
Under-mining: Does she squelch your enthusiasm with insensitive comments such as, "You wouldn't understand", or "You'll never make it"? Does she sabotage your ideas by pointing out all the ways in which they might fail? Interrupt you when you need time alone?
-----------------------
I DO interrupt when he needs time alone A LOT!
------------------------------------------------------
Threatening: Does she threaten you, overtly or covertly? Threaten you with violence? Threaten you with emotional pain? Does she threaten you with knives, guns or some other weapon?
_____________________
I often threaten to leave.
---------------------
Name-calling: Does she use vulgarities to insult you? Call you cruel names? Use terms of endearment with intense sarcasm?
------------------------
He once slapped me across the face for saying " I love you " In a snotty tone.
I do call him names when I am angry - this one is an bad habbit of mine.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Forgetting: Does she make a promise and then "forget" to keep it? Does she pretend not to remember certain incidents or discussions? Pretend not to remember prior agreements?
----------
NEVER ... but I do forget things from time to time.
----------------------------------
Ordering: Does she order you to do something instead of asking? Demand things?
-----------
Maybe I do this not sure....
Judging and Criticizing: Does she find fault with everything you do? Does she tell you that you "ought to" or "should" do things a certain way?
----------
I do often say you should not treat me this way.
----------------------------
Denial: Does she deny that certain things happened? Does she tell you that she didn't say something or that you never saw something occur?
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I do not think I do this.
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Abusive Anger: Does she erupt into a rage when she's angry? Does she scream, yell, or shout? Hurl obscenities? Does her body language become more aggressive? Does she stomp, strut, hit things, or hit you? Become red in the face? Throw things?
Does she physically get in your way, or follow you from room to room? Snap at you? Is she usually irritable? Does all of this usually take place in private, when you are alone? [ It's a sure sign things are escalating if she attacks you in public. ]
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Yes I do not throw things at him or hit him but the rest - when I snap this happens ALL OF IT. It is the thing that I know I do and have worked and prayed tirelessly for a year once I became aware of it to stop. I would say I am 50% better at not doing this.
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Refusal to Accept Responsibilty: Does she blame you for her anger?
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I am not sure - I think sometimes I must blame him for my anger. I know I used to a lot.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Just think about something else right now. What you are writing here is ways that an abuser would try to have someone "isolate". I did that also. Just trying to be the person that he wanted.
I'm just happy that you are here asking about this stuff now. I really get the feeling that you know this is not right, and this is not the life that you want for yourself.
It's almost like being in prison, isn't it?
I also remember a feeling, like I am crying, I am trying to talk, I am trying to stop this stupid argument, but I had just crawled up in a corner, and I felt like I was in a straightjacket with duct tape on my mouth, and that no one could see me or hear me. That is how I felt when I read your last post.
I'm just happy that you are here asking about this stuff now. I really get the feeling that you know this is not right, and this is not the life that you want for yourself.
It's almost like being in prison, isn't it?
I also remember a feeling, like I am crying, I am trying to talk, I am trying to stop this stupid argument, but I had just crawled up in a corner, and I felt like I was in a straightjacket with duct tape on my mouth, and that no one could see me or hear me. That is how I felt when I read your last post.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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fbw, I don't know how to copy things that you said and to comment on them. A little computer illiterate here.
But---------Just read your last post. Think about the things he does to you. I know just from listening to you, that I could fill that out.
Yes, some of the things your do are reactionary, and some are just plain self preservation.
But---------Just read your last post. Think about the things he does to you. I know just from listening to you, that I could fill that out.
Yes, some of the things your do are reactionary, and some are just plain self preservation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by amy55
fbw, I don't know how to copy things that you said and to comment on them. A little computer illiterate here.
But---------Just read your last post. Think about the things he does to you. I know just from listening to you, that I could fill that out.
Yes, some of the things your do are reactionary, and some are just plain self preservation.
But---------Just read your last post. Think about the things he does to you. I know just from listening to you, that I could fill that out.
Yes, some of the things your do are reactionary, and some are just plain self preservation.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Just know that I will always be here with you.
What I see is that you are trying to find ways to blame you, and so is he. He isn't looking at him. He prefers to look at you and blame you.
No one here is perfect. There really isn't such a thing as "Stepford Wives".
I would also recommend research on Stockholm Syndrome.
I already told you I stayed way beyond what anyone would consider reasonable.
I think you are one terrific, beautiful, intelligent woman. I think you are a great mom also.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) and always remember, here for you.
What I see is that you are trying to find ways to blame you, and so is he. He isn't looking at him. He prefers to look at you and blame you.
No one here is perfect. There really isn't such a thing as "Stepford Wives".
I would also recommend research on Stockholm Syndrome.
I already told you I stayed way beyond what anyone would consider reasonable.
I think you are one terrific, beautiful, intelligent woman. I think you are a great mom also.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) and always remember, here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 75
Thank you every one. I have spoke with the DV hotline in the past. Before I called the police. I just think that it becomes easy for me to jump down a path of turning him into a villian if I call them. I really need to be careful of that. I have spent many years playing a victim and I really need to be careful of that.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I don't know, are you my twin sister that I never knew?
They will always try to make it think that it is you. Then you go crazy trying to fix you.
Think about this---- What if you did the most to fix "you" and they are still angry?
When does it become, what you want for yourself and your son in this life?
When do you stop blaming yourself for all of the things that he is blaming you for that has nothing to back it up?
Again, you are a beautiful, intelligent, loving person.
You are "you". Please be OK with that.
Once I left, I started to love "me" again. I would never have found that "me" if I stayed.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
They will always try to make it think that it is you. Then you go crazy trying to fix you.
Think about this---- What if you did the most to fix "you" and they are still angry?
When does it become, what you want for yourself and your son in this life?
When do you stop blaming yourself for all of the things that he is blaming you for that has nothing to back it up?
Again, you are a beautiful, intelligent, loving person.
You are "you". Please be OK with that.
Once I left, I started to love "me" again. I would never have found that "me" if I stayed.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Something else that I want you to think about. Most people who think they might be abusive, or have a problem, usually don't. They are instead dealing with it.
Another one--- how to tell if a person is depressed? Spend 5 minutes with them, then walk out of the room, and see if you are also now depressed.
Another one--- how to tell if a person is depressed? Spend 5 minutes with them, then walk out of the room, and see if you are also now depressed.
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