He is getting sober and I am not sure I still LOVE him
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Originally Posted by POAndrea 
YES to everything above! I know for certain I am not IN love with my RAH anymore, but still deciding if I love him (there's a difference between the two, I think.) I honestly can't tell because the hurt and anger still overshadow every other consideration, and I doubt I can/should make that decision until I somehow manage those feelings first. It took a long time and was so difficult to resign myself mentally and emotionally to the reality that we didn't have anything even resembling a relationship. Over the years, I got used to providing for a family, maintaining a household, and just living a good life all by myself and it is very hard to go back to a collaborative effort. Especially if I'm not quite sure I WANT to. And I'm not always too nice about it either. Last week I made last minute decision to see to a movie with friends right after work, and Himself was genuinely upset and worried. ("I was so afraid something had happened to you at work. Why didn't you call?") I just started screaming at him that for the last five years there hasn't been a conscious person at home to answer the phone, so why would I even think to call home anymore? He is confused and hurt when I do not return his affection (And another thing: I swear to G-d if he tries to put his hands on me one more time I'm gonna snap them off at the wrists and shove them up his... anywho, moving on) because he honestly thinks we are still emotionally connected somehow. And that just blows my mind!
He just doesn't understand how his behaviors destroyed our past, present and future relationship. He acknowledges the steps I took to protect myself from physical harm ("Where did this deadbolt on the inside of the bedroom door come from?") but cannot comprehend the mental changes I had to make to keep myself emotionally safe as well. And the ignorance is really, really getting to me. How can he not understand what I went through? (Seriously, who the eff DOES the things he's done and said and then doesn't recognize their effects? AND then doesn't curl up and die from the shame and regret of it? How can the person I married be like that?) He isn't doing those things anymore, has been sober for about six months, and seems to think this means all is right with the world again. While I am grateful for the changes he's made, somehow it doesn't really matter anymore. I will trust him not to drink, but I don't think I will ever entrust him with my open heart and mind, and I can't imagine feeling love for someone I don't believe in.
When all this mess started, I wondered how I would ever deal with it and hoped things would change back to the way they were before Himself drank. But now I look at the life I made for myself and see that it is good. (Pardon the blasphemy.) While not completely separate from him and his alcoholism, my life is instead parallel to his and no longer dependent on his successes or failures, and it is deeply rewarding in many ways. I'm starting to think I like the person I've become, largely in response to his drinking. I'm not sure I want to change myself and my life in the ways one would have to in order to reconcile with a loved one.
He just doesn't understand how his behaviors destroyed our past, present and future relationship. He acknowledges the steps I took to protect myself from physical harm ("Where did this deadbolt on the inside of the bedroom door come from?") but cannot comprehend the mental changes I had to make to keep myself emotionally safe as well. And the ignorance is really, really getting to me. How can he not understand what I went through? (Seriously, who the eff DOES the things he's done and said and then doesn't recognize their effects? AND then doesn't curl up and die from the shame and regret of it? How can the person I married be like that?) He isn't doing those things anymore, has been sober for about six months, and seems to think this means all is right with the world again. While I am grateful for the changes he's made, somehow it doesn't really matter anymore. I will trust him not to drink, but I don't think I will ever entrust him with my open heart and mind, and I can't imagine feeling love for someone I don't believe in.
When all this mess started, I wondered how I would ever deal with it and hoped things would change back to the way they were before Himself drank. But now I look at the life I made for myself and see that it is good. (Pardon the blasphemy.) While not completely separate from him and his alcoholism, my life is instead parallel to his and no longer dependent on his successes or failures, and it is deeply rewarding in many ways. I'm starting to think I like the person I've become, largely in response to his drinking. I'm not sure I want to change myself and my life in the ways one would have to in order to reconcile with a loved one.
For me, I have already filed for divorce. My AH has not embraced any recovery and is doing it on his own. He only stopped drinking completely when I filed 2 weeks ago so I know there is not much hope for him in m,y mind. I will not go through this again. I have done it on my own for the last 9 years so I can continue to do it. Hugs and good luck. I just wantd you to know you are not alone.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 11
Me too....
I am so glad I found this site. I have felt alone with my feelings for awhile. My RAH is coming up on one year sober. He got sober after I visited an attorney and said I wanted a divorce. I am not even sure how or when I said I would stay or if I really agreed. It feels like he wore me down. He stopped drinking and eventually went to AA. He was doing a lot of mtgs. Then he would drop one or two. Get mad say it was the kids fault, work's fault or whatever. He hasn't gone in months. Says it's to much to listen to. He's not going to be one of those sitting in mtgs his whole life rehashing what he did.
I was going to Alanon mtgs. I enjoyed them. I found some comfort hearing other experiences. I opened up to one woman about the wrongs I had done in my marriage. She told me I am not alone. Who could spend 12+ years of a 25 year marriage alone like I did and not do what I did. She had heard it before. She hugged me. I felt ashamed.
I don't know if I love my husband. I try so hard to think things will go back to the way they were. I want to look at him and feel what I use to feel. I just don't know how to get there. I've been sick physcially since last summer and wondered if this played a part in my staying. Maybe it's my "illness" that is causing this lack of emotional feeling for him. Then I think I have it wrong, maybe it is my lack of emotional feeling for him, the hurt built up that is causing the illness.
Someone mentioned living parallel lives. That was not something I had heard before. Yet, it fits so well. I lived my own life as a the homemaker, mother and even homeschool teacher of my children. He lived his life of drink and work. Now that he is sober he wants to be part of everything and I resent him. I resent the hurt he put me through. The nights of terror he put our family through. The many many empty promises. I am mad at myself for trying to change to be a wife he would want to come home to as for years I thought it was me.
I was told to wait a year before I made a choice. Unless there was violence. I don't know what I want to do still a year later. I still cry. I still ache and hurt. I am still so darn mad. I still have not saved to leave. Now I have a grandchild living under my roof as well. How do I just break up this family because I am unhappy. Maybe it could get better.
These are things that go through my mind.
I was going to Alanon mtgs. I enjoyed them. I found some comfort hearing other experiences. I opened up to one woman about the wrongs I had done in my marriage. She told me I am not alone. Who could spend 12+ years of a 25 year marriage alone like I did and not do what I did. She had heard it before. She hugged me. I felt ashamed.
I don't know if I love my husband. I try so hard to think things will go back to the way they were. I want to look at him and feel what I use to feel. I just don't know how to get there. I've been sick physcially since last summer and wondered if this played a part in my staying. Maybe it's my "illness" that is causing this lack of emotional feeling for him. Then I think I have it wrong, maybe it is my lack of emotional feeling for him, the hurt built up that is causing the illness.
Someone mentioned living parallel lives. That was not something I had heard before. Yet, it fits so well. I lived my own life as a the homemaker, mother and even homeschool teacher of my children. He lived his life of drink and work. Now that he is sober he wants to be part of everything and I resent him. I resent the hurt he put me through. The nights of terror he put our family through. The many many empty promises. I am mad at myself for trying to change to be a wife he would want to come home to as for years I thought it was me.
I was told to wait a year before I made a choice. Unless there was violence. I don't know what I want to do still a year later. I still cry. I still ache and hurt. I am still so darn mad. I still have not saved to leave. Now I have a grandchild living under my roof as well. How do I just break up this family because I am unhappy. Maybe it could get better.
These are things that go through my mind.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
This post has given me so much to think of. I feel like everyone has written my story and articulated everything I needed to say how I felt. I am just in awe over everything, feelings and insite that never completely formed.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
Dreaming- sounds like maybe you should start going back to al anon?? Work a program? Think about it.
Also, just because he is sober, does not mean he is living the life of sobriety. Dry drunk comes to mind. Idk. I feel like you do, so I want to get better and be a better person. I want to love me again.
Also, just because he is sober, does not mean he is living the life of sobriety. Dry drunk comes to mind. Idk. I feel like you do, so I want to get better and be a better person. I want to love me again.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I think this is a wonderful thread. I appreciate everyone's honesty here.
Love is a 4 letter word for me sometimes. But if my H relapses, I am pretty adamant I will love him by stepping away in a formal way. I have found working the steps and counseling very beneficial to really thinking things through while allowing H time to truly work a recovery. I do not love him in that heart-mind connection I thought we used to have.
Love is a 4 letter word for me sometimes. But if my H relapses, I am pretty adamant I will love him by stepping away in a formal way. I have found working the steps and counseling very beneficial to really thinking things through while allowing H time to truly work a recovery. I do not love him in that heart-mind connection I thought we used to have.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 93
Well, here we are...tomorrow is the day he is to move out and I am getting lots of guilt from him. He was half crying this morning and I should feel bad but at this point I just want/need him out of my face. I know he isn't all bad and I never said that but I need to put my happiness first for once and if that means eventually moving on and finding a supportive loving partner, then so be it. He said he feels like he is in this alone, isn't that what alcoholism does - makes you alone?
I feel like all these years he didn't care that I was hurting so why should I feel bad - awful, I know!
I am already questioning his commitment to the intensive outpatient therapy. He said if there are going to be a bunch of guys that were forced to be in the class because of DUI and don't really want to quit, then he doesn't think that is fair to him. I sort of agree but I somewhat wonder, is this his excuse not to do it. He is going to a church program once a week but I don't know that that would be enough.
I also forgot to mention that the guys he works with has him convinced that there has to be someone else or something else other than the drinking....yes, because alcoholism is so much fun to live with and causes a happy healthy marriage - Duh!
I feel like all these years he didn't care that I was hurting so why should I feel bad - awful, I know!
I am already questioning his commitment to the intensive outpatient therapy. He said if there are going to be a bunch of guys that were forced to be in the class because of DUI and don't really want to quit, then he doesn't think that is fair to him. I sort of agree but I somewhat wonder, is this his excuse not to do it. He is going to a church program once a week but I don't know that that would be enough.
I also forgot to mention that the guys he works with has him convinced that there has to be someone else or something else other than the drinking....yes, because alcoholism is so much fun to live with and causes a happy healthy marriage - Duh!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
I think it was Hammer who said "Pain drives their train". I think him being this upset might be a good thing, it could be the motivator he needs to find real sobriety.
And for the guys at work? I smell a Quack! Unless he works with psychics and fortune tellers. That sounds like manipulation to me.
We reap what we sow. And it's not awful. What's awful is what he's done to damage the marriage to the point that you actually feel this way.
And for the guys at work? I smell a Quack! Unless he works with psychics and fortune tellers. That sounds like manipulation to me.
Originally Posted by asm505
I feel like all these years he didn't care that I was hurting so why should I feel bad - awful, I know!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,436
Stay Strong!
You deserve more, and he will try to get around this any way he can now that the consequence is actually happening.
Think of it this way--letting him stay will set both of you up for more of the same, and if he doesn't face his consequences, in a very real way you are "enabling" him to continue drinking.
Put yourself first for once and realize he will benefit too, if he chooses to really seek recovery.
I agree with Hopeful, guys at work is just him trying to manipulate you. You know the truth.
And no, I don't think a church group once a week is nearly enough given what you've shared.
Best to you
You deserve more, and he will try to get around this any way he can now that the consequence is actually happening.
Think of it this way--letting him stay will set both of you up for more of the same, and if he doesn't face his consequences, in a very real way you are "enabling" him to continue drinking.
Put yourself first for once and realize he will benefit too, if he chooses to really seek recovery.
I agree with Hopeful, guys at work is just him trying to manipulate you. You know the truth.
And no, I don't think a church group once a week is nearly enough given what you've shared.
Best to you
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by asm505
Well, here we are...tomorrow is the day he is to move out and I am getting lots of guilt from him. He was half crying this morning and I should feel bad but at this point I just want/need him out of my face. I know he isn't all bad and I never said that but I need to put my happiness first for once and if that means eventually moving on and finding a supportive loving partner, then so be it. He said he feels like he is in this alone, isn't that what alcoholism does - makes you alone?
I feel like all these years he didn't care that I was hurting so why should I feel bad - awful, I know!
I am already questioning his commitment to the intensive outpatient therapy. He said if there are going to be a bunch of guys that were forced to be in the class because of DUI and don't really want to quit, then he doesn't think that is fair to him. I sort of agree but I somewhat wonder, is this his excuse not to do it. He is going to a church program once a week but I don't know that that would be enough.
I also forgot to mention that the guys he works with has him convinced that there has to be someone else or something else other than the drinking....yes, because alcoholism is so much fun to live with and causes a happy healthy marriage - Duh!
I feel like all these years he didn't care that I was hurting so why should I feel bad - awful, I know!
I am already questioning his commitment to the intensive outpatient therapy. He said if there are going to be a bunch of guys that were forced to be in the class because of DUI and don't really want to quit, then he doesn't think that is fair to him. I sort of agree but I somewhat wonder, is this his excuse not to do it. He is going to a church program once a week but I don't know that that would be enough.
I also forgot to mention that the guys he works with has him convinced that there has to be someone else or something else other than the drinking....yes, because alcoholism is so much fun to live with and causes a happy healthy marriage - Duh!
Think of yourself and your kids, they are living in this madness too, and are relying on you to make good choices and protect them. Your husband is an adult. He needs to do this himself. If he doesn't, stick to your boundaries and be strong. We're here for you, every step of the way.
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asm---maybe it would help to put your own "mission statement" on an index card and tuck it in your bra for easy access. Put the reasons that you have this boundary in the first place.
I know how easy it is to become discombobulated when they start putting the guilt trip on you and pushing all of your buttons.
Make sure that your brain and not your nostalgic heart is in charge for tomorrow,
Good luck.....
dandylion
I know how easy it is to become discombobulated when they start putting the guilt trip on you and pushing all of your buttons.
Make sure that your brain and not your nostalgic heart is in charge for tomorrow,
Good luck.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by HopefulinFLA
I think it was Hammer who said "Pain drives their train". I think him being this upset might be a good thing, it could be the motivator he needs to find real sobriety.
And for the guys at work? I smell a Quack! Unless he works with psychics and fortune tellers. That sounds like manipulation to me.
We reap what we sow. And it's not awful. What's awful is what he's done to damage the marriage to the point that you actually feel this way.
And for the guys at work? I smell a Quack! Unless he works with psychics and fortune tellers. That sounds like manipulation to me.
We reap what we sow. And it's not awful. What's awful is what he's done to damage the marriage to the point that you actually feel this way.
I know it's got to be hard to watch him move out and look like a victim of your cruelty, I can imagine my AH doing the same thing. Stay strong and remember that nothing is forever. If he changes and truly works on sobriety in ALL ways, then maybe you guys can reconcile? For now, you're doing what needs to be done for YOU. I hope you have a peaceful day!
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 93
Thank you for all the supportive replies and ideas. I need that right now. It is easy to sit at work and think, well he wasnt miserable to be with ALL the time or he didnt hit me or call me names on a regular basis and that he wasnt out of hand furing the week but just on the weekends. But the fact is that his behavior is not acceptable to me. Maybe to some but not me. I have asked for him to get help over and over again and this time I happen to need some space from him and the drama to sort out my feelings. He is just going to haveto deal just like I have in the past.
Accusing me of cheating or atleast implying it is not unusual. He is very jealous and semi-possessive of me.
I need to be strong. I do really wonder if he is back-peddling on the treatment plan which will make my decisions easy but I wont tell him what to do because he needs to do it for himself...not because he wants to keep me.
Ok. Im done. You guys are awesome!!!
Accusing me of cheating or atleast implying it is not unusual. He is very jealous and semi-possessive of me.
I need to be strong. I do really wonder if he is back-peddling on the treatment plan which will make my decisions easy but I wont tell him what to do because he needs to do it for himself...not because he wants to keep me.
Ok. Im done. You guys are awesome!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by dandylion
asm---maybe it would help to put your own "mission statement" on an index card and tuck it in your bra for easy access. Put the reasons that you have this boundary in the first place.
I know how easy it is to become discombobulated when they start putting the guilt trip on you and pushing all of your buttons.
Make sure that your brain and not your nostalgic heart is in charge for tomorrow,
Good luck.....
dandylion
I know how easy it is to become discombobulated when they start putting the guilt trip on you and pushing all of your buttons.
Make sure that your brain and not your nostalgic heart is in charge for tomorrow,
Good luck.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
"He said if there are going to be a bunch of guys that were forced to be in the class because of DUI and don't really want to quit, then he doesn't think that is fair to him."
What a line of bulls--t!
What a line of bulls--t!
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Originally Posted by RollTide
"He said if there are going to be a bunch of guys that were forced to be in the class because of DUI and don't really want to quit, then he doesn't think that is fair to him."
What a line of bulls--t!
What a line of bulls--t!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by POAndrea
He is confused and hurt when I do not return his affection (And another thing: I swear to G-d if he tries to put his hands on me one more time I'm gonna snap them off at the wrists and shove them up his... anywho, moving on) because he honestly thinks we are still emotionally connected somehow. And that just blows my mind!
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"What kind of marriage operates this way?"
Unfortunately this is textbook for a marriage with an alcoholic.
I am three and a half years past my divorce. (Thank you God for getting me through that). With distance from the marriage comes clarity. I now wonder what I ever saw in him, why I ever married him, why I stayed so long, why I was so naive...
When you are in the middle of it you really can't even think straight. In time you will see what you need to see. I pray that this comes sooner rather than later.
Unfortunately this is textbook for a marriage with an alcoholic.
I am three and a half years past my divorce. (Thank you God for getting me through that). With distance from the marriage comes clarity. I now wonder what I ever saw in him, why I ever married him, why I stayed so long, why I was so naive...
When you are in the middle of it you really can't even think straight. In time you will see what you need to see. I pray that this comes sooner rather than later.
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Originally Posted by Justwantnormisnt drinking l
This is exactly how I feel! AH seems to be entirely oblivious to the fact that our marriage is teetering on the edge. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and how I'm so supportive and we're perfect for each other (and on and on). I sometimes wonder if he knows I'm at the edge and he's desperately trying to convince me I'm wrong, or if he really has no clue. We are so disconnected emotionally, I've been so lonely for so long. I cringe when he becomes physically affectionate and pray he won't ask for sex ~ What kind of marriage operates this way?!?! I know I love him, but I'm pretty sure I fell out of love years ago and I'm not sure that's something you can ever get back 
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[QUOTE=I know I love him, but I'm pretty sure I fell out of love years ago and I'm not sure that's something you can ever get back [/QUOTE]
I'm not sure it's possible either, but I AM sure it would take more than one partner's special efforts to do it. I didn't fall in love all on my own, and we didn't marry solely on the strength of my positive thinking. Although to be fair, I didn't fall out of love because of his screw-ups alone. I contributed to it too. When we first met, I wasn't sure at all that Himself was The One, but as we dated, he showed me through word and deed he truly cared for me. He gave me gifts, none of which were extravagant or expensive, but the small, thoughtful, meaningful presents or favors that show someone pays attention to you and knows what you like and believes it's important too. We held similar values, and he demonstrated the character, integrity, and commitment that I have always tried to achieve (with varying levels of success.) I respected him and often looked to him for real-life examples of how I could do or be better. How could anyone NOT fall in love when a kind and decent man actively woos her? (He was also a handsome devil back in the day, and that didn't hurt either!)
So how could I fall BACK in love again without being wooed again? And is it immature, insecure and needy, to want it? Seriously, how effin' hard would a bouquet of flowers be? And not often, either: just on Valentine's or Mother's day. Or maybe our anniversary or my birthday. I'd settle for just a card, right about now. It's a lot of pressure and a terrible burden to feel solely responsible for the emotional health of a marriage. I think it is so unfair (and yes, I know the whole fair/unfair distinction is meaningless and unproductive) that I have to do all the work, and I'm more than a little resentful. I realize they're MY feelings, so it makes it my work to do, but I need a little help.
What do we need from our RA's to fall back in love again, or to just begin the process of deciding if we want to? I don't think it's good to stay in a loveless, unsatisfying relationship with an alcoholic (active OR recovering) simply on the strength of that relationship before things went toes-up, especially when the features that once made it so strong are no longer present. But I'm almost as uncomfortable with any position that unilaterally states I shouldn't stay even if enough of them can be restored. I really don't know the answers, and I doubt I know even the questions I need to ask myself either. I suppose it could be argued it's unreasonable to expect my husband to do something when I can't tell him what it is or even if would do any good. (Can you imagine: "Hey there. I don't think I love you anymore, and you need to do something about that. No, I don't know what I want you to do, or even if I really want you to. Just do it anyway. Mmmm' kay?")
[/QUOTE]I'm not sure it's possible either, but I AM sure it would take more than one partner's special efforts to do it. I didn't fall in love all on my own, and we didn't marry solely on the strength of my positive thinking. Although to be fair, I didn't fall out of love because of his screw-ups alone. I contributed to it too. When we first met, I wasn't sure at all that Himself was The One, but as we dated, he showed me through word and deed he truly cared for me. He gave me gifts, none of which were extravagant or expensive, but the small, thoughtful, meaningful presents or favors that show someone pays attention to you and knows what you like and believes it's important too. We held similar values, and he demonstrated the character, integrity, and commitment that I have always tried to achieve (with varying levels of success.) I respected him and often looked to him for real-life examples of how I could do or be better. How could anyone NOT fall in love when a kind and decent man actively woos her? (He was also a handsome devil back in the day, and that didn't hurt either!)
So how could I fall BACK in love again without being wooed again? And is it immature, insecure and needy, to want it? Seriously, how effin' hard would a bouquet of flowers be? And not often, either: just on Valentine's or Mother's day. Or maybe our anniversary or my birthday. I'd settle for just a card, right about now. It's a lot of pressure and a terrible burden to feel solely responsible for the emotional health of a marriage. I think it is so unfair (and yes, I know the whole fair/unfair distinction is meaningless and unproductive) that I have to do all the work, and I'm more than a little resentful. I realize they're MY feelings, so it makes it my work to do, but I need a little help.
What do we need from our RA's to fall back in love again, or to just begin the process of deciding if we want to? I don't think it's good to stay in a loveless, unsatisfying relationship with an alcoholic (active OR recovering) simply on the strength of that relationship before things went toes-up, especially when the features that once made it so strong are no longer present. But I'm almost as uncomfortable with any position that unilaterally states I shouldn't stay even if enough of them can be restored. I really don't know the answers, and I doubt I know even the questions I need to ask myself either. I suppose it could be argued it's unreasonable to expect my husband to do something when I can't tell him what it is or even if would do any good. (Can you imagine: "Hey there. I don't think I love you anymore, and you need to do something about that. No, I don't know what I want you to do, or even if I really want you to. Just do it anyway. Mmmm' kay?")
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