Stung

Maybe I'll actually read that book. I know I'm looking for answers when an answer doesn't exist but I need to do something differently.

readerbaby71

Toxic Parents is a good one too, Stung. My best friend has a mom like yours and she cut her off for almost a year. They spend very little time together and she sees the kids once in a while but that's it. Of course her mom still pisses her off but she's much happier having limited contact. Do what you need to do for yourself. I know it's hard. xoxo

Raider

I find this post particularly interesting. My Mom is all those things. I'm going to Alaska next Friday for a month. I am so worried I have been physically sick. We are having a big birthday party at the Church for my Dads 80th. Mom is upset about that. Upset about me bringing The Fuzz. I try hard to control the drama in my life to keep me sober. She is 82, I'm not going to cut her out of my life, I love her so much but she is very difficult. I relapsed in Alaska last time I was there. That weighs on my mind. My dad is a saint. He does everything for her. And I am glad he does. I will be working on keeping sane up there. I'm not much into AA but there is a meeting up there I really like. I will be attending that meeting. Any other pearls of wisdom to keep sane would be appreciated. Thanks so much for starting this post. It is much appreciated. and thanks for making me realize I'm not alone.

Raider

You guys rock! I love ya' bunches!!!

FireSprite

Raider, good luck in AK... it sounds so proactive of you to recognize that you have a potentially relapsable situation on your hands (yes, I made that word up!) and are already formulating a plan to attend meetings even if it's not something you would normally do. Just keep taking it one baby step after the next & remember that your trip is temporary, a mere moment in time in the face of your overall sobriety. You can do it!

Florence

Ha. I've dealt with this. I detach exactly in the way I detach with others, the way I learned to detach from my STBXAH. Therapy helped immensely with learning to trust my internal voice.

...so what's different either way? My mom does all this stuff whether I engage her threats or not.

Biggest thing I did for myself was create family relationships with people independent of my mom so she couldn't triangulate and make my life harder. She still meddles, she still manipulates, she still triangulates. I let the **** storm happen now. When my sisters call me, I reiterate that I think my mom's mental health is not awesome, and that's that. When my mom starts to poke around the edges of my life, I have to taint the well a little bit. When it comes up I'll tell people, "Oh, she's really nosy, you let me know if she gets weird." I keep it light and informal, but I have no compunction about setting up the circumstances of my relationships with people -- and normies *do* tell me when she's poking around for information. People have never believed how intrusive and manipulative she can be until they've seen her rip the rug (or football) out from under me. I'm always the hysterical daughter. So, okay. Nothing new there.

Yesterday we had a weird interaction, and I told her, "Hey, it's not personal, but it's none of your business." She came back and called me prickly and difficult, and I told her "Healthy boundaries make happy families. " No means no. The stupid emoticon on the end means STFU kthx bye! She still goes to other people to get what she wants, but this door is closed -- that's all I have control over.

Stung

Raider, I'm sending you happy thoughts and strength! My mom was supposed to come over last weekend but I dodged the bullet and she's supposed to be here this weekend instead. Seeing her in person gives me anxiety too, especially around my husband because they used to gang up on me. Today I'm telling her she can't come over. End of story. But eventually I'll have to see her soon...but not today! Woohoo! I'm sorry you have to deal with your mom in person next week but I'm glad you know you're not alone.

Florence, bwahahahaha!! this made my morning!

I've decided that she doesn't have any power if I don't give her any. Also "haters gonna hate" now has a profound meaning for me. Lol She is a mean mom, why the hell am I so offended when she's mean? That's who she is.

And Hammer, holy crap, the e version of that book is $22! It better be good, I bought it and read the intro last night.

Refiner

Omg Stung, I have an NPD sister and you nailed it with this analogy, LOLOL!!

Refiner

lol!!!!

honeypig

Stung, I'm getting to the party late, evidently, but yeah, I've dealt w/the mom thing too, altho maybe in a bit different situation than some here.

I've mentioned in a few posts that I'm also a sexual abuse survivor (stepfather) and I suspect STRONGLY that my mother at least suspected something back then. When I finally actually blurted it out in the middle of a phone conversation about 15 years ago, her reaction was "well, it's in the past--no point in bringing it up now. What am I supposed to tell the other kids, that their father is a monster?" (3 kids from first marriage to one man, 4 from second marriage to the abuser) I'm sure it will shock NONE of you that my response was "oh, yes, OMG, we must keep this a secret so as to not hurt anyone else. What happened to me is not of any importance, as long as appearances are upheld."

Well, that only lasted for another few years when a LOT of things finally boiled over. When I "went public", so to speak, among the family, I was called a liar, accused of "seeking attention", all the standard stuff that tends to happen in these cases (I read a lot about it). This in spite of one of my younger sisters A)having told my mom about abuse (he was her father by blood) back when it happened to her, and B)that sister also coming out publicly about her abuse BUT doubting mine (why did I wait so long to say anything?).

My mother actually left him for a couple of years prior to my "going public". During this time I supported her in every way I could; however, she then decided to return to him b/c she wanted to be on his health insurance. When she announced she was moving back in w/him, knowing what she now knew for sure about his abuse of 2 children, I lost it and told her (like some kind of old-school Mafioso or something!) "I no longer HAVE a mother!"

I went absolutely and totally NC for about 10 years w/her, and with certain siblings also. In the past few years, I've opened the gate again, at first just a crack, but later a lot wider. I'm beginning to see that not all that much has changed. I'm tempted to get sucked back into the relationship as it was, but I keep remembering something I saw posted here a while ago: "Don't make someone a priority who makes you an option." And that is it. She's glad to have me around when she needs something and when she feels like it. Other than that, I'm inconvenient. So I'll keep the gate open a crack, and she can come in my yard if she wants AND if I want, but she doesn't get to stay unless I say so. And she can't come in AT ALL if I say so!

This got long, but the whole point I wanted to make is to agree w/those who said that you don't owe a person something simply b/c they donated DNA! Some of them are, simply put, toxic. The best we can do is to leave them alone and hope that somewhere, before the end, they find a better way.

Wishing you clarity in working out your struggles, Stung.

iSPAZ

Raider - Good luck on your trip. I love my dad and he has always been there for me but when he gets on his negative train I just sneak on the earphone and listen to relaxing music. Usually when we are riding together in the car. If I turn on the radio he complains so i just do the earphones. Sometimes I just start bringing up some of the good memories we had together and try to guide the conversation to the positive. Even with his faults he is a very good man. Unforgiving but a good man none the less.

Stung

Oh Honeypig, I didn't know any of your background story and I'm so sorry for everything that happened to you. Your stepdad is a monster and I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to receive that response from your mom.

I keep waffling on whether I think she's good or bad because it's hard for me to accept that she's likely both good and bad. For right now, I feel resentful and that means I don't want to be around her. I just want to feel my resentment until I'm ready to not feel this way anymore and I'm totally entitled to do that but in my mom's mind I'm not allowed to feel anything but grateful and loving towards her. I've surrounded myself with a network of catty, mean, drama mongers and none of them are happy about my backing away from them. I told my mom "no" this morning regarding her coming over and she's now asking "why" in a million different accusatory ways and has now started prodding about how things are going with RAH and myself. I can't just NOT want to have her come over, something must be wrong with me. Oy.

honeypig

Being a great believer in the "black or white" thing myself, I totally get this. It's so very hard to see both aspects and so tempting to either feel that the good "makes up for" the bad and erases it or that the bad so pollutes the good that it no longer exists. It's an ongoing struggle to appreciate the good and acknowledge the bad, and see that they are both there, side by side.

lillamy

Raider, good luck in AK! And if it gets really difficult, theuncertainty and Tuffgirl are both up there -- they're good people.

And Stung, this:
Oh my freaking world. She's competing with her own grandchild for attention. *sigh*

MissFixit

Stung,

Have you written down on paper all the grievances you have with your mom? I have found writing it down therapeutic and helpful to sort out feelings and experiences with people causing me pain. You can see it in black and white in an objective way that thinking about it doesn't quite do.

Stung

MissFixIt, yes I've tried that before but it usually results in me having a soggy pity party for myself. I think talking with my counselor about my mom triggers me and makes me cry my face off. When she gets vicious I generally just do anything I can to get through it and make things better. I don't deal with things, I just do my best to get things back to how they were before and revisiting them later turns me into an emotional, overwhelmed baby.

mattmathews

I grew up in an abusive home, ran away at 16, and was crazy enough that I actually tried to apologize for being a bad son at the age of 19. I eventually made the decision to cut off contact, move 1,500 miles away, and I didn't talk to my dad or step-mother for over 30 years.

Even with no contact, I carried (and continue to carry) the damage that was done with me. You don't just "shake it off" when you grow up and leave home, the damage stays with you. I share that because I believe it's helpful (for all of us) to know that we're not alone.

I came across this insightful article and about people who have experienced the effects of an abusive childhood. More importantly, this article discusses the pressure we often face from family members, friends, spouses, therapists, (and even ourselves) to gloss things over and try to "forgive."

Here's a quote from the article:

Loved ones and friends—sometimes even therapists—who urge reconnecting with a parent often speak as if forgiveness will be a psychic aloe vera, a balm that will heal the wounds of the past. They warn of the guilt that will dog the victim if the perpetrator dies estranged. What these people fail to take into account is the potential psychological cost of reconnecting, of dredging up painful memories and reviving destructive patterns.

Link to article: The Debt

CodeJob

Stung, said a prayer for you this morning when I passed a Prius. I was not even speeding! What is it with them driving under the speed limit? I think there is a lot of wise words on this thread. Push that inner critic out of your head. Then make some further boundaries as you need.

Raider, what a wonderful occasion to celebrate with family. Happy bday to your dad! Can you see the Northern Lights still where you are going? I have only seen them dully green and would love to hear them. I will be thinking about you and hope you handle yourself wisely - no matter how irked your mom makes you.

Matt, thanks for this article link.

My parents are coming next weekend. They are staying longer than usual. I hope it is a good visit. My mom is controlling but I guess I don't even hear her. My dad of course is pretty silent!

Raider

Great post. Thanks.

HealingWillCome

Raider, I wish you the best on your trip to visit family. I lived in Alaska and still have family all over the state. Love it there! I also understand your anxiety about going. Alcoholism runs deep in so many communities there. I am glad you have found a meeting that you like. Do whatever you need to do to care for yourself during your trip!