Stung

The more therapy I do and the more I learn about myself, the more I realize that I'm still accepting abuse from my mom. I don't know how to carry on a relationship with her that honors my feelings and boundaries. I can keep taking the abuse like I always have or break up with her. The sentiments that I receive from my counselor is that my mom doesn't know what she's doing and my husband says that I can't cut my mom off because she's my mom. But I'll be damned if my feelings aren't hurt anyway. I feel resentful. And that's mine. BUT I don't want anymore of the status quo. I know I can't change her or make her treat me differently however I know I can control my side of the relationship although I'm at a loss of what and how to change.

I've been letting go of toxic friendships in a truly cowardly fashion (just cold turkey ended correspondence) because I don't know how to break up with people and I'm afraid of making people mad at me. It is what it is but I cannot use this method with my mom. How do you end abuse with an abusive person?

lillamy

Other than breaking contact, the only way I can figure is detach, detach, detach.

My mother is not abusive -- but she is Uber-Mom who always knows best. She is insensitive in her comments (I'm going to see them next week and I know the first thing out of her mouth will be a comment about how fat I've gotten and how she has a fabulous new diet she wants me to try...) and if I tell her her comments are hurtful, she will act all butthurt and tell me she's just stating a fact and she loves me and I'm oversensitive...

I deal with it by preparing my responses to the predictable BS in advance. "Yes, Mom, I'm fat -- my weight has not been on the top of my priority list, seeing as I've dealt with living in hiding and running from death threats and trying to stop one of my kids from committing suicide. I'm sure you understand. Now, how are you? You look fantastic in that new haircut!"

Parents are difficult because no matter how much you can see the dysfunction in what they're doing, it stings. It just does. But I'm trying to teach myself to see her opinions of me like I see other people's opinions of me -- they are just their opinions, based on their dysfunction, and I don't have to accept their opinions OR make their dysfunction mine. Sounds great, right? Yeah, I'm working on it...

Stung

Hmm...I like the point you make about her opinions just being her opinions. Maybe I'll try looking at things from that angle for now. I want to just hide from her because it requires the least confrontation but I know its not something I can realistically do.

Sticks and stones may hurt my bones but dang, words sure do hurt sometimes too. Maybe I need to change my own perspective about this.

lillamy

My daughter says "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will leave psychological scars that will never heal or at the very least require life-long therapy and guarantee the college education of at least one therapist's children."

She does have a sense of humor. I'll give her that.

FireSprite

I limit the amount of time we spend together, the amount of coresponding we do.... stop leaving myself open for new hurts. For a while in my recovery I had a difficult time even talking to my mom about anything even though she isn't abusive, isn't an A, etc. Her own codie issues & need for therapy kept making me take steps backward in my own recovery so I just had to stop.

I went NC with my dad's entire family after his death because Toxic doesn't even to describe them & I didn't know what else TO do. That was difficult but necessary for me to separate myself from their horrible dysfunction.

And I disagree that you can't cut your mom out of your life.... not saying it's the only way to handle it, but if you have no other options or have tried multiple methods of resolution & are getting nowhere, you have the right to remove people from your life no matter WHO they are. And NC doesn't have to be forever - you have the right to change your boundaries as the situation evolves, you know? Could be that a big change like that would serve as a wakeup call for her to change her ways, at least in the way she interacts with you & your kids.

My concern would be the overflow of her ways spilling onto your DDs. Even if she's the perfect G-ma to them but they witness her psychologically abusing you, it's damaging IMO. I have no experience with NPD though, so I realize I may be simplifying this too much based on my limited perspective on that issue.

My mom is currently dealing with this exact dynamic with her 90-yr old mother & the guilt & obligation are tearing her up but continuing to volunteer for G-ma's BS is really damaging to my mom. (I mean physically damaging - she has always stuffed her emotions & then it evidences itself physically... therapy is helping her to stop doing this.)

Something I always have to remember for myself is that doing something FOR ME isn't doing it AGAINST someone else & I can't help if they choose to take it that way.

redatlanta

I ignore a lot of my mother's behavior. She isn't mean, but she is ridiculous and controlling.

It's never going to change, its gotten worse as she has gotten older. Some of her behavior is illogical. I can only ignore it. No point in questioning it because that just heads into a train wreck.

Ignoring works for me about 95% of the time. The other 5 % I just exit the conversation by phone or leave the house if I am visiting.

EmmyG

My mom is a piece of work. She's all about herself and her own emotions, and my sister and I, along with our dad, have always been put in the position of "not upsetting mom" at all costs. She sucks the life out of you when you spend any time with her. I've never been able to talk to her about anything. There are times when she's gotten really nasty and I have been close to cutting her off. I've asked her for space in the past and she's just shown up at my house anyway. A few years ago, when I was pregnant, I asked her to give me a few weeks of not talking. She said "Ok, I'll just act like my daughter is dead. How CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME????" Anyway, my point in all this is that if she gets that way again, I am at the point where I would be fine cutting her off if I needed to. You don't have to subject yourself to her abuse just because she's your blood. Don't feel guilty AT ALL. You know you're intelligent and reasonable and you should trust yourself and your instincts about this.

Aeryn

I'm NC with my mother other than by old school paper letter...and most of those are coming from her to me, I only occasionally respond. I had no choice if I wanted a chance at a sane life for myself - she is NPD and emotionally/verbally abusive to the point I couldn't live my live with her in it, NPD is like that they aren't capable of change in most cases (and no people without NPD parents will NOT get it) and I only had one life to live and I had to choose if I wanted to live with the abuse or not. I don't hate her or even feel negative toward her anymore but that doesn't mean she can be in my life as she is now other than by letter. The letter relationship is even hard sometimes due to the abuse but it's the best I can have with her so I take it as it is.

aasharon90

It always seemed that no matter how hard
I tried to have some sort of relationship with
my mom, it never worked. And that is so sad.

However, well into my recovery, I learned
to accept her for just the ways she is and
was. That I can never change her.

Soooo, my sobriety and recovery has to
be and had to be top priority in order to
grow in my life and become healthy and
happy.

To stay around others that are sick themselves,
then that would mean id remain in my sickness
myself.

Today, I have no contact with her or any
other members of my dysfunctional family,
as sad as it may sound or seem. I place
all of them in my Higher Powers hands
so that the heavy burdens I would normally
carry on my own shoulders would be
lifted.

Today, I continue to put my focus on
recovery and be of service to those who
need help with addiction. That is what
keeps me healthy, happy and honest
in recovery.

Raider

You have all described my Mother to a T. Thank you and welcome to the family.......

Pam.

lillamy

My husband has no contact with his father -- he decided in his 30s to have it out with him once and for all, and hasn't spoken to him since. He said "when I was a kid, I didn't have a choice -- but as an adult, I've chosen not to submit myself to his abuse. You don't have any obligations to a person just because they happen to have donated some DNA to you. If their behavior to you is devastating and detrimental to your well-being, you tell them so, and then you tell them goodbye."

Stung

My mom is NPD too. She won't change because she can't.

Imagine that I'm Charlie Brown and I just told Lucy that I'm am NOT going to try to kick her stupid football anymore. If Lucy is a normal dysfunctional person she'll go find Schroder or Linus or Sally to try to mess with. If Lucy is NPD she will tell you how you're ruining her life, that you're a real a-hole, chemically imbalanced, fatally flawed, self centered, etc. all because you won't kick get football because all she wants to do is play a simple game of touch football with you, geeze, what's wrong with you?! Then she'll call Linus and Sally and tell them all of your dirty secrets and some made up things for dramatic effect, then they call you to make sure you're okay and by that time you just figure that you'll try to kick the damn football again because its better than the **** storm that occurs when you say no. Besides, this is your MOTHER, she only wants what's best for you which, isn't really true. With an NPD mom you're just an object.

DD2 had pink eye last week and I texted my mom to tell her, her response was that at least it wasn't as bad as my mom's ailment of the week. She competes with me and apparently now with my 2 year old.

CodeJob

Well I floated a text about a relative to my mom yesterday that I thought she was NPD. Today my mom texted OMG Yes! She thinks everyone but her Dad and her has/had a PD in her immediate family. I just started the thought process by identifying the one I was sure of. My mom is controlling and Codie and does some emotional manipulation but honestly I don't think she meets criteria for a PD. She did OK. I need to be a bit more patient. Not that I can revoke my geographic cure or anything!

Raider

What is NPD

EmmyG

OMG with the "ailments." I visited my parents last weekend...my dad is super-enabling. He caters to her every whim. He will ask you to keep your voice down because she's sleeping, even when it's noon. Anyway, she had this brand new alkaline water machine that probably cost hundreds of dollars, and an oxygen machine. For what I don't know? First it was her anemia (oops, she was taking blood thinners that she knew she wasn't supposed to have), then it was sleep apnea, then it was her ear (she cried for days because she thought she had a cyst inside her ear, turned out it was a simple ear infection), then it was her shoulder hurt, now it's allergies. Mind you a few years ago I was four months pregnant with a ruptured disc in my back and in excruciating pain, to the point where I couldn't even stand, and I complained less than she complains about allergies. A couple years ago, AH and I ran into an acquaintance of my parents who has a terminally ill wife. He was very concerned about how my mom was feeling because he'd heard how sick she was...I had no idea what he was talking about.

FireSprite

Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I believe?

FireSprite

I completely agree with your husband..... saying that you can't cut ties with someone abusive because they are your parent is the same (to me) as saying they have the right to abuse you because you are their child.

Hammer

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Among the "Personality Disorder(s)" that sometimes tracks along with various Addictions.

Back to Stung -- You have heard of THIS >>>

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist | Psychology Today

http://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretaking.../dp/144222018X

It is now TOP on my reading list and in circulation in my Alanon Group (yes, it is NOT Conference Approved Literature).

dessy

I was close to my dad until he met his new wife and i have gone NC with him. Emotionally i couldnt deal with him or his vile new wife. It is hard but doing what is beat for my emotional health.

CodeJob

Stung, i think you can work on that internalized voice. I have faith in you.

Well I just cooked a meal. I really wanted to plate some hard boiled eggs and chocolate eggs just to see what my guys would say. But I managed a fish, vegetable and roll.