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Am I at the end?

Old 06-12-2002, 08:34 AM
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Post Am I at the end?

Last night I blew up at my husband and my kids. My husband for not working and not doing enough around the house. My kids for not pitching in and doing anything around the house. Yesterday my husband vaccumed the living room and kitchen and made pasta and sause for dinner, and watched the dogs. That was an entire days activity. I just can't believe the laziness. I know that some of you put up more problems than I do from your A. But I just cannot accept that someone can just be so lazy and give up on his life. Our family is drowning because he has choosen to give up. He is making me sink.

I don't want this life anymore. If I am going to be financially strapped for the rest of my life, I might as well be alone and not have to feel this tremendous frustration anymore. I feel that I am at the end of my rope.

I spoke with a co-worker this morning. She is leaving the company (getting layed off). She has spent the last 10 years paying off their debt and now they are debt free. She will get 6 months pay and move with her husband to Texas. She is planning to get her masters and doctorate and then go back to work in a differant field.
I was so jealous of her life. It sounded so good and good things were happening for her. It makes me feel like a failure. My life in comparision is going down the toilet.
She said that God has a reason for what I am going through. Why can't God give me a good life for a change. When will it be my turn to be happy?
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Old 06-12-2002, 08:50 AM
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Hi Rose,

This is not what you want to hear, and when I am in your shoes it is not what I want to hear either.

I have found that when we feel like you descibe it is a Red Flag that something needs to be done about YOU. When I am always angry at HIM my focus is off ME. When all I can see is what was NOT done I fail to see what WAS done.

And thinking life is better on the other side of the fence is another Red Flag.

Now I know what you are feeling is frustrating, and depressing and REAL but you still need to work on you because no matter where you go, you will take you with you.
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Old 06-12-2002, 08:58 AM
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Thank you JT, I know you are right(and yes, I don't want to hear it but I am listening). So what do I do about ME? What can I do about me? I read the literature, exercise, eat fairly well, go to a weekly meeting, and go to counseling every two weeks. What can I do about me? The red flags are waving and I am sinking.....
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Old 06-12-2002, 09:41 AM
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Hi Rose

I think what your husband did, was at least a start, and we all start with baby-steps.

I know, in my case, it was difficult for my husband to "guess" what my expectations were. Any they often changed.

What about making a list of the things that need doing around the house, and then assign one person to each task. It will help them know what their tasks are, and it will also help them recognize just how many many tasks need to be done, and that you have been doing them alone. I also learned to show appreciation, "thanks for doing the laundry"...even though it was as much THEIR laundry as mine. A little encouragement goes a long way. "Thanks for washing the floor" - like they didn't walk on the floor?...but "thanks" is nice.

You are doing some great recovery things for yourself. Your friend that you envy got to where she is today by making a plan, and working within that plan to accomplish her dreams.

Make a plan Rose, even small things like "I would like to take a class" or "I would like to have one room in the house for just me"..and do it. Look at long term with caution. Once you master the short term stuff, the long term will show itself to you.

And God gave you your life for a reason. He has something for you to do, and when you find it you will be happy. God gave Jackie Kennedy a life of wealth and fame, but look at the heartache she went through. And God gave Mother Theresa a life of hardship and misery, yet she was one of the most satisfied and happiest people who lived. And all us "unimportant" people, are important in God's eyes, we just don't understand why yet.

My mother often said that if, when we leave this world, it is in some way a better place because we were here, then we have lived well.

Don't stay angry Rose, get it out then move on with something nice for yourself. Look ahead and anticipate at least one nice thing that you can do for yourself, and do it.

Hope this helps.

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Old 06-12-2002, 12:22 PM
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Hey Rose,

So often at meetings you will hear the phrase "Fake it till you make it" and this a good place to apply it. Like saying Thank You when all you are thinking is "So why didn't you make salad to go with the pasta?" or " What's the big deal...I do that every day"

Making an effort to see and appreciate the small unexpected things on a daily basis really can make the world seem like a better place. And often when you make an effort to voice that appreciation you will get more in return.

It is something like when we are raising our children they say to try to ignore the bad and make over the good. It works with children and it works with H's and A's as well.

And don't think of it as manipulation because that is not what it is about. This is all about YOU and your focus. Focus on what you do not have and that is all that you will see.

And about your friend...think about the face that you show the world....we all want to be Ward and June, right? Believe me...everyone else is out there showing thier best face, too. There are thorns in everyone's gardens...even June Cleaver's!
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Old 06-13-2002, 02:48 AM
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Thanks, Anns and JT. I will work on my focus and making a plan. Yesterday my husband went out looking for a job at several places. I think he heard me in spite of the screaming. When I got home the air between us was very angry. Later in the evening I went to him and asked if he wanted to just lay with me. We did lay together for awhile and then anger just melted away. We had good sex and felt very close. I know it depends on my attitude and what I focus on. It is so confusing sometimes when the good times are right there with the bad times. If it was all bad it would be easier to separate. But its not. There is so much good there, I don't know if I could be this close with someone else. So, thanks, today I am hopeful and calm.
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Old 06-13-2002, 05:00 AM
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Hi Rose

I am glad things are getting better.

I want to re-post something Josie posted on another thread, because I think it is so true for all of us:

"Expectations are premedicated resentments. If we expect nothing of other people, we are seldom disappointed. When we receive something, it is a gift."

I, too often, expect something from someone who has nothing to give, and I know reading Josie's quote really helps me.

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Old 06-16-2002, 06:37 PM
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Rose, your life is not in the toilet and you are not a failure. However, you have made choices and you must own them. You have chosen to stick with a husband who will not pull his share and is a continuing source of aggravation and disappointment. The fact that you have good sex together and feel close is not so surprising becuase you have been together so long. But is it enough to base the rest of your life on? Will he change? And - if he won't will you? There is life after him and you are lovable and capable of finding someone else who will value you and show you are valued. It is tempting to try to encourage you to stick with him till the bitter end. But what if it is really a bitter end? Can you be without him? Have you ever separated from him? Have you ever thought that maybe a break would be just the kick in the ass you and he would need to get your priorities re-organized. I'm not judging your marriage. But all of your posts I've read deal with how unhappy you are and I really don't see why you are prolonging the misery. Ultimately the trajectory of your life and his life may not travel along the same path and that doesn't mean you won't still love him and miss him or vice versa. It means that, as far as we know, you have only one go around and you deserve and should have a shot at happiness. There comes a point at which loyalty be damned. If you cannot get serenity and peace of mind with this man then maybe you should think of getting it without him?
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Old 06-17-2002, 07:34 AM
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Hi Chiva, I do hear you. One of my friends has expressed the same thoughts. My concern when I think seriously about ending my marriage, is that I will still be unhappy afterwards. My deepest fear is that the problem is within me. I have reason to think this, because I was rarely happy before I married. Yes my husband has some serious issues and we disagree about most things. And maybe we will need to separate. I want to make sure that I am not the problem. I want to learn to be happy.
I started the Alanon progam this past Feb. I have decided to give myself until the end of this year to learn to be happy in this situation. If not I will pursue divorce.
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