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XAH abused DD8

Old 03-26-2014, 06:32 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I am so sorry about your exah. Thank god people are seeing who he is at last. He has crossed so many lines, but now it sounds like he has finally done it. I am sorry for your girls, and thankfully you have caught it now.
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Old 03-26-2014, 07:35 PM
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WTBH - I'm so sorry you and your daughters have had to go through this. As if it's not bad enough that he abused you in front of them, but he dares to put his hands on his daughter?! She's eight years old for cripes sake, an innocent child. He is a monster!

I'm so glad you got through to the DCYF folks.

It's time to put on your Mama Bear suit and kick some butt!
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Old 03-26-2014, 08:06 PM
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I'm in tears for your poor daughter. She is amazingly brave and I am praying so hard that the law will finally protect both of your girls from him now. Keep matching forward, WTBH! Your strength and perseverance are inspiring. Praying for you and your girls!!
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Old 03-27-2014, 05:37 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Oh my gosh WTBH! Your ex is the kind of person horror movies are made about, and the kind of person I have nightmares about. I realize that many here, including me, advocated for you to do the right things and have confidence that justice would prevail, but even I was beginning to wonder if it actually would. You've got to be one of the top five strongest and bravest people I know. I am so proud of how you are handling this, although nobody should ever have to "handle" anything like this.

You will be okay. Your children will be okay. His karma is finally catching up with him and it's not going to be pretty. Whatever you do, don't let your guard down. He's proven that he will not take his consequences well and it seems the consequences are only just beginning. Please do everything you can to keep yourself and your children safe!

All my most positive vibes are going out to you!

L
When I was struggling with leaving it was always bc I was afraid of this-- the lies, manipulations, the abuse, the unwillingness to let me go, using the police to support and allow his abuse, using the girls as pawns etc.... He made threats of what he was capable of and I wanted to believe he wouldn't go down this crazy, abusive, vindictive campaign he has... But the more that I read up on NPD and Lundy Bancrofts writing about abusive men, the more I see XAH's behavior....

His behavior is strikingly like my own mothers was when my father left. She felt rejected and abandoned and she abused my older brother and I endlessly. My father tried to fight her and protect us but the allegations continued and he finally gave up & just went away.

XAH knows the horrible things my mom did and alleged and how she abused me and it's almost like he's using that knowledge as a guidebook for how to recreate that hell for me and our kids.... It's terrifying and deep down I knew he was capable of this but didn't ever think he would go as far as he has...

I always tried to please and appease him no matter how awful he was to me both in our marriage and even after I kicked him out bc I was so afraid of his doing JUST what he has. But now that he has done the unimaginable and made my life into the stuff of horror movies and I haven't crumbled, I now know I can survive anything and am going to fight him until I have my kids safe from him.

My own lawyer advised me to "appease" as a means to get him to cooperate.... I told her she didn't "get it" and that nothing would appease him and she threatened to quit if I didnt trust her. I wish I had let her.

The less I have interacted w him, the more I have stood firm about my boundaries and not allowed him to dictate how things will be (we have a court ordered parenting plan and he regularly doesn't adhere to it and expects me to let him make changes to it at his whim) the angrier he has become.

He has lost his ability to control me with fear, shame, manipulation, guilt etc so he has moved on to the meeker of our two girls, DD 8. And she has begun to stand up to him and tell him his behavior isn't ok and I've seen this coming for a long time but until now it has all been verbal and no one has taken my concerns seriously.

He is a class A Narcissist. He can't be told he's less than perfect, his faults can't be highlighted-- not even by an 8 year old...

Sorry for the ramble... Just so many thoughts swirling....
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Old 03-27-2014, 06:20 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I am so proud of you! (Not in a condescending way). My dad and my exA are narcissists and people view them like golden boys. They are not. ExA is finally showing himself as his drinking and irrational behavior grows. He was never kept in check and it spirals out of control without some sort of accountability. It really sounds like your exah is spiraling too.

I think your assessment about him choosing a weaker victim because you are not there/allowing him to abuse you is totally correct. My dad did/does that too. Narcissists are NO picnic to deal with and the least amount of contact the better. Supervised visits with the girls sound like what might happen. My mother (since my dad had custody) did something threatening towards me when I was about 10? and she had supervised visits with us from then on. BTW, She BLAMED me in private so expect your exah to have one personality with the court and one with your girls alone.

That is great you have an open dialogue with them. Between therapy and talking with you, they are going to be okay. You really did the right thing by leaving him, I hope you see that. No matter the trouble it is causing right now, being trapped in the chaos and growing up thinking that is normal would be much much worse for you and your girls.

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Old 03-27-2014, 06:25 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I'm so sorry, WTBH Your poor dd I pray that this will be the time you are finally heard and your XAH gets what he deserves.

Also, I just wanted to say, I really admire your resilience and strength. I'm glad your girls have you in their corner. Hugs to all of you.

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
But now that he has done the unimaginable and made my life into the stuff of horror movies and I haven't crumbled, I now know I can survive anything and am going to fight him until I have my kids safe from him.
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Old 03-27-2014, 06:55 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I sit here with tears rolling down my face. You had such extreme anxiety about this and wanted this to be nice for her. What a jerk he is. I hope he rots.

Now...on to you and your AWESOME AND STRONG DD's. You guys rock. How wonderful it is they had the strength to articulate to a complete stranger what is going on. How wonderful it is you kept your calm and got them to take action. You are a strong and awesome momma.

Tight Tight Hugs my friend. I am so sorry this happened but so excited that you are getting the help to protect you and your babies!

XXXX
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Old 03-27-2014, 07:04 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
I am so proud of you! (Not in a condescending way). My dad and my exA are narcissists and people view them like golden boys. They are not. ExA is finally showing himself as his drinking and irrational behavior grows. He was never kept in check and it spirals out of control without some sort of accountability. It really sounds like your exah is spiraling too.

I think your assessment about him choosing a weaker victim because you are not there/allowing him to abuse you is totally correct. My dad did/does that too. Narcissists are NO picnic to deal with and the least amount of contact the better. Supervised visits with the girls sound like what might happen. My mother (since my dad had custody) did something threatening towards me when I was about 10? and she had supervised visits with us from then on. BTW, She BLAMED me in private so expect your exah to have one personality with the court and one with your girls alone.

That is great you have an open dialogue with them. Between therapy and talking with you, they are going to be okay. You really did the right thing by leaving him, I hope you see that. No matter the trouble it is causing right now, being trapped in the chaos and growing up thinking that is normal would be much much worse for you and your girls.

Hugs
Can I ask you how it is that your dad the Narcissist had custody? That STILL scares me, after all xAH has done, that he continues to argue about custody and everyone but this DCYF worker, the girls therapist and I see him in this delusional glowing light of saintliness.... So, if it's not too nosy, can you tell me if your dad used n tactics to gain custody?
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Old 03-27-2014, 08:31 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Can I ask you how it is that your dad the Narcissist had custody? That STILL scares me, after all xAH has done, that he continues to argue about custody and everyone but this DCYF worker, the girls therapist and I see him in this delusional glowing light of saintliness.... So, if it's not too nosy, can you tell me if your dad used n tactics to gain custody?
One big thing, there was no one to stand up for me or be a buffer. My father is a golden boy. He is handsome, a lawyer, church leader, community service leader and appears wealthy. It is like a split personality. One way in public, another way at home. He was verbally abusive to me on a daily basis and occasionally physically abusive (threw me into things, face slaps when I was little). This all started after he divorced my mother and she wasn't there to fight with him. I was the oldest, so I got his wrath. My little sister was treated like angel. I was blamed for anything wrong in his life. I assume because he couldn't accept that he was ever wrong or at fault. I have almost nothing to do with him anymore but when I see or talk with him, the abuse starts almost immediately. I get away from it. I am his target, don't know why. A therapist once said it is because I hold him accountable. Some kind of obsessive control issue. My sister told me she thinks it is because dad loves her more. Some time long ago he made a choice to love her and not me, it is weird as hell. With all that, he was very kind for brief moments. Enough to pull me back in and let my guard down.

My mother had a brain injury and attempted suicide more than a dozen times. He had her declared unfit when I was little. She has issues too obviously. It is amazing my sister and I are not serial killers.

I think you really need to be diligent about documenting ALL abuse, anything and everything. Can you have him declared unfit?

I don't know if it is possible, but weren't you considering moving away? Since he has some documented child abuse, would after this school year, be a good time to move away and start fresh? Is that even possible.
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Old 03-27-2014, 08:36 AM
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My father is a golden boy. He is handsome, a lawyer, church leader, community service leader and appears wealthy. It is like a split personality. One way in public, another way at home. He was verbally abusive to me on a daily basis and occasionally physically abusive (threw me into things, face slaps when I was little). This all started after he divorced my mother and she wasn't there to fight with him. I was the oldest, so I got his wrath. My little sister was treated like angel. I was blamed for anything wrong in his life. I assume because he couldn't accept that he was ever wrong or at fault. I have almost nothing to do with him anymore but when I see or talk with him, the abuse starts almost immediately. I get away from it. I am his target, don't know why. A therapist once said it is because I hold him accountable. Some kind of obsessive control issue. My sister told me she thinks it is because dad loves her more. Some time long ago he made a choice to love her and not me, it is weird as hell. With all that, he was very kind for brief moments. Enough to pull me back in and let my guard down.
Wow, Miss Fixit. Just wow. It's like you're describing AXH and his relationship to our kids. Very frightening. But for me, very encouraging to see that you and your sister both grew up to beat the odds and become functional, loving human beings. It's a hard road you've traveled. Thank you for sharing it, it really helped me.
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Old 03-27-2014, 08:45 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
I am his target, don't know why. A therapist once said it is because I hold him accountable. Some kind of obsessive control issue. My sister told me she thinks it is because dad loves her more. Some time long ago he made a choice to love her and not me, it is weird as hell.
My sister's AH does this with my niece. He has told her: he's sorry she was ever born; he would put her up for adoption except no one would want her; she's stupid; she's a selfish, horrible person. He constantly compares her to her older sister. I so wish my sister would leave him Niece does know that she's always welcome at my home, any time of the day or night.

I'm sorry, MissFixit
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Old 03-27-2014, 08:46 AM
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WTBH - I'm so sorry this happened to DD, hugs & prayers to you all. I'm so glad that you are receiving the support and assistance you need right now.
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Old 03-27-2014, 08:47 AM
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Wow... thank you for the reply Ms. Fixit and I am SO sorry you experienced all the awful stuff you did as a kid and even still with your dad...

Your dad sounds EXACTLY like my mother-- I am the oldest and bore the brunt of her abuse and my siblings all aligned with her to protect themselves and still do...

And xAH is SO much like my mother it's terrifying...

Yes, I would like to move... I need my divorce to be finalized or at least get permission to move out of state with the girs...
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Old 03-27-2014, 08:50 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Wow, Miss Fixit. Just wow. It's like you're describing AXH and his relationship to our kids. Very frightening. But for me, very encouraging to see that you and your sister both grew up to beat the odds and become functional, loving human beings. It's a hard road you've traveled. Thank you for sharing it, it really helped me.
Thanks. I cannot encourage therapy enough. Therapy and having the structure of school and church when I was growing up is what guided me. My household was a mess but other people's were not as messy. I observed "normal" through my friends and their parents. That helped too.

I did develop caretaking and controlling (helping) tendencies that I always have to work on. I have been used by friends and boyfriends because of this and I have to remember to stay vigilant in thinking about myself before others, which is TOTALLY counter-intuative for me. I see that here a lot and try to call it out because I know what happens when we always or even most of the time put our partners first. Fortunately, al anon and the hurt from my exA beat most of the desire to control out of me. That was something good that came from that relationship.

Also, I see know that I ended up with a verbally abusive exbf for a decade and then a cheating exA for 4 years because I accepted poor behavior from others. Thought it was normal or at least okay. Those situations are the ones that I worry about for kids that stay in abusive homes. How they develop and what they consider normal or okay as adults.
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Old 03-27-2014, 09:35 AM
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These stories are tragic. What is wrong with people?

Big hugs to all of you who are going through this and also for those you love. Abuse is horrible, they should be strung up.
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Old 03-27-2014, 01:40 PM
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Your exah reminds me so much of my alcoholic father. I'm glad the authorities are finally catching on to what a butthead he is.

Kudos to you being strong and fighting this a$$hole for your kids!
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Old 03-29-2014, 07:03 AM
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Go, Mama Bear!

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