AA and Cheating?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: COlorado
Posts: 10
AA and Cheating?
Hi there. I am not sure what board to post this on and I am HORRIBLE about navigating through message boards. If someone sees this and can suggest what board to post that would be GREAT. No one has posted on the friends and family board I saw since 2013.
I just have a question. My fiance' is in AA and had been sober for almost 2 years. We have been together for a little over a year and just bought a home together. He was married in the past for 14 years and cheated on his wife and they ended up getting a divorce which is why he decided to quit drinking.
I don't know why, but something told me to pick my my fiances phone the other day and I noticed he was texting a woman, nothing sexuaL or anything like that but he was telling her about his day and today he text her and asked how her day was going. Long story short i don't know how long they have been texting. He met her at AA and he says it's an AA thing that they are just friends it's all AA related. I don't buy it. Is this normal for AA to befriend someone of the opposite sex ??? I would think it wouldn't be especially if you are in a relationship? I am stressed and have been in tears all day? AM I stressing for nothing??
Any advice would be GREAT.
I just have a question. My fiance' is in AA and had been sober for almost 2 years. We have been together for a little over a year and just bought a home together. He was married in the past for 14 years and cheated on his wife and they ended up getting a divorce which is why he decided to quit drinking.
I don't know why, but something told me to pick my my fiances phone the other day and I noticed he was texting a woman, nothing sexuaL or anything like that but he was telling her about his day and today he text her and asked how her day was going. Long story short i don't know how long they have been texting. He met her at AA and he says it's an AA thing that they are just friends it's all AA related. I don't buy it. Is this normal for AA to befriend someone of the opposite sex ??? I would think it wouldn't be especially if you are in a relationship? I am stressed and have been in tears all day? AM I stressing for nothing??
Any advice would be GREAT.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 245
Why wouldn't it be normal? A supportive friend is the same no matter what gender. Does he have female friends who aren't from AA? I'd be questioning why you felt the need to snoop through his phone. Clearly you don't trust him one bit, and he obviously can't trust you. What you found was innocent and yes, normal. Maybe some AlAnon meetings would benefit you?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
RocketQueen, tough post. I have male friends and supporters. My husband knows about every one of them. It would make me suspicious if my husband had female friends that I was unaware of. As for looking at the phone, all is fair game in this marriage. Would not bother me a bit if H looked at my phone. We have nothing to hide. Maybe we are just different, who knows.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
nats74----This is my opinion......I believe everyone has a right to know what is going on in their marriage. And, furthermore--even though many would disagree---you have a right to look aND CHECK AROUND IF YOUR GUT IS TELLING YOU SOMETHING.
a spouse who has nothing to hide will not be upset that you "looked". If they are feeling guilty and have something to hide--they will squeel like a pig.
In a marriage--the most intimate of relationships--you have a right to voice your thoughts, concerns and, yes, even your fears. If he is receptive--if your relationship is good---he would not be unduly threatened by this. In a good marriage--we make an effort to understand the other's vulnerabilities. We make every effort to work through it.
Those who have nothing to hide--hide nothing.
13th "stepping" DOES happen. We would be niaeve to assume that it doesn't!! If he has the right to talk to other women in a very friendly way--you have a right to discuss it with him.
I hope that it is innocent---but, don't hide your head in the sand, either.
I completely understand how you would be upset by this finding.
dandylion
a spouse who has nothing to hide will not be upset that you "looked". If they are feeling guilty and have something to hide--they will squeel like a pig.
In a marriage--the most intimate of relationships--you have a right to voice your thoughts, concerns and, yes, even your fears. If he is receptive--if your relationship is good---he would not be unduly threatened by this. In a good marriage--we make an effort to understand the other's vulnerabilities. We make every effort to work through it.
Those who have nothing to hide--hide nothing.
13th "stepping" DOES happen. We would be niaeve to assume that it doesn't!! If he has the right to talk to other women in a very friendly way--you have a right to discuss it with him.
I hope that it is innocent---but, don't hide your head in the sand, either.
I completely understand how you would be upset by this finding.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Well I was married to a cheater and its like being alcoholic... Close relationships that only include 1/2 of the marriage would be problematic and asking for trouble. Doesn't he have a sponsor? Men don't sponsor women and viceversa for obvious reasons.
How many of us text a member of the opposite text "how's your day" ? Lovers do that! I have many super close friends and I don't text them that question !
Just another really good reason to scratch off alcoholics on our potential relationship lists.... It's always something...
How many of us text a member of the opposite text "how's your day" ? Lovers do that! I have many super close friends and I don't text them that question !
Just another really good reason to scratch off alcoholics on our potential relationship lists.... It's always something...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by Raider 
RocketQueen, tough post. I have male friends and supporters. My husband knows about every one of them. It would make me suspicious if my husband had female friends that I was unaware of. As for looking at the phone, all is fair game in this marriage. Would not bother me a bit if H looked at my phone. We have nothing to hide. Maybe we are just different, who knows.
From what I read, I assumed that having a gut feeling to look through his phone implies intent to snoop. Also, she's "not buying" his AA explanation and questions whether or not it's normal to befriend someone of the opposite sex at AA - more indications of mistrust.
I may have gone off on a little bit of a tangent, but my ultimate point was yes. It is normal to have supportive friends in AA who are of the opposite sex. If I were you Nats, I wouldn't get yourself too worked up about it at this point. All sounds very innocent from what I read and you could very well be making a mountain out of a molehill - Not something you want to do in a relevantly new relationship you're already heavily invested in.
Good luck
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 43
I say it is OKAY to go with your gut on these sorts of matters. Also, what is a boundary for you is what is a boundary for you. You know he has been unfaithful before. I know quite a few people in happy trusting relationships who have firm boundaries about opposite-sex friendships & I think that is okay. My boundary is no private texting, messaging or calling with anyone of the opposite sex unless they are a family member...especially not with a new friend that the other partner has never met. This goes with AA & Al-Anon, too. I have close male friends, one I've known since I was 4. Even him I contact through his wife every time & I never spend time alone with him. His wife has acknowledged & appreciated this respect for her & their marriage & as a result she is now a great friend of mine, too. There are plenty of same-sex people to talk to in AA & Al-Anon. My husband has never had a problem getting a make sponsor & enough makes for support & vice versa for me. Talking to someone of the opposite sex at a meeting is different than exchanging private numbers. Even if it is innocent I still think you have the right to have that boundary (& if he is a past cheater it's all the more a good one to have in my book).
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
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Originally Posted by Raider
RocketQueen, tough post. I have male friends and supporters. My husband knows about every one of them. It would make me suspicious if my husband had female friends that I was unaware of. As for looking at the phone, all is fair game in this marriage. Would not bother me a bit if H looked at my phone. We have nothing to hide. Maybe we are just different, who knows.
I totally agree with Raider here . Would not bother me at all if my husband went through my phone , often I'll be driving and the phone rings , so he picks it up for me , then may have a squiz at my messages and say , oh that's a nice message from so and so .
It bothers me not
It wouldn't bother him if i went through his either .
You dont seem to have trust .
That's the basis for any relationship.
To me , it seems harmless , it really does . I have messages on my phone from people in SR and my husband is fine with that .
I recently posted 4 gifts to overseas friends from here . 2 guys & 2 girls .
My husband came to the post office with me and helped pack them whilst I wrote on their cards then posted them off .
What your fiancé did in his previous marriage whilst actively drinking isn't your concern . What is , is now .
If you have not been a drinker it may be easier to discuss things with a former alcoholic . If there is no sexual content in the messages , i wouldn't be too worried .
Just be honest . Sit him down and tell him you are upset and your reasoning . It's really as easy as that .
I'm sure this will just blow over , relax ;-)
Good luck to both of you xx
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
I can offer this. I have been to open AA meetings with my RABF and have noticed the unbalance of men to women ratio. I have also heard women thank and acknowledge the support of men who are in the group. I never got the impression there has been any 13th stepping in those instances, although I know it happens. And one thing they say is arrive early, stay late and get phone numbers. 13 stepping does happen but it seems to me it is by people who are not really in recovery and working a strong program. Finding a meeting group you feel comfortable in is important and that may be a meeting with not a lot of women. I cant speak to your situation ... Just what I have witnessed. One thing though is it sounds like something has you feeling a little insecure.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
RocketQueen, after reading your post...kind of funny I totally assumed one thing and you totally assumed another. You did not come off as nasty. Thanks for posting. Made me see my error as well.
What the hell is 13 stepping!!!!! Ack!!!!! What is that?????
What the hell is 13 stepping!!!!! Ack!!!!! What is that?????
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by Raider
RocketQueen, after reading your post...kind of funny I totally assumed one thing and you totally assumed another. You did not come off as nasty. Thanks for posting. Made me see my error as well.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
What caused you to pick up his phone? Had to be something? And why doesn't he mention these women AA friends to you or text them in front of you?
I 'm sorry, but I think his explanation is bogus.
How long have you lived together and how long was the time he was divorced?
Better to find these things out, I think he is not being honest.
I 'm sorry, but I think his explanation is bogus.
How long have you lived together and how long was the time he was divorced?
Better to find these things out, I think he is not being honest.
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