EmmyG

Sick of my situation, sick of talking about it.

Today is my husband's 35th birthday. It was his jail surrender date for his DUI from over a year ago. He got his sentence transferred down here and when he turned up to jail at 6 pm tonight, the jail wouldn't take him because they said they are full. I had a strong feeling he wouldn't come home after. I just knew. Sure enough, he calls on his way home from the train and says "I'm gonna clear my head for a bit." That was two hours ago. When I texted him a bit ago, he said "I'm gonna stay out for a wee bit."

When I freaked out on him and asked him why he's doing this tonight, he went on about how I should just go forward I'm good faith and he's absolutely not drinking. YEAH RIGHT. And now that I've made an issue, I'm sure he just use it as more of an excuse to drink. He literally acted like I'm insane for assuming he's going out drinking. Where else is he on Friday night at 9pm on foot??? He won't answer his phone and says he won't talk to me while I'm being ridiculous and hysterical and making crazy assumptions.

I'm going to my mother's. I SO wish one of us had somewhere nearby to stay. I don't. My parents live two hours away and I don't know how I can commute every day with the boys in LA traffic. I don't have the money for an apartment right now. I'm so READY to be free of him. So ready. Why do I let him make me feel silly?

Firefall

I don't know yet, but I care that you agree suffering. I am pretty sure my A sister is bombed tonight. But I am here enjoying figuring out what I need, I am not thinking about what she is or is not doing. I get to make my choices regardless. Sorry I don't know more than just that.

LoveMeNow

Emmy-

It has taken me 2 long years to finally get the courage to leave my husband. Two years on SR, a therapist and some Alanon.......and it's still the hardest thing I have ever done.

During this time, he had months of clean time and the honeymoon period was wonderful. But eventually, I could see the pattern of abuse that his addiction, that he created. It was a non stop roller coaster of high and lows. I finally said ENOUGH!!

Keep working on your fear, obligation and guilt. The FOG those emotions created kept me stuck. I lived in hope and fear, not reality.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? It was my saving grace.

Take care of YOU, you deserve so much better. Your constant state of fight or flight is taking a heavy toll on you emotionally and physically. It changes our brain chemistry as well. Cynical One has a great blog that helped me tremendously too.

EmmyG

Ugh, ya'll must be sick of me and my same old same old. Thanks lovemeknow, people like you inspire me. FOG makes perfect sense, that's what this feels like! It also feels like a roller coaster, and I just want off!!!

iwanthappiness

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have been in your shoes many times now. Try to focus on you. I never really understood this when people kept telling me to do that.

NOW, I finally get it. I didn't realize just how "attached" I became to him. It was IMPOSSIBLE to not think about him because my happiness revolved around him.....big mistake. I became just as sick as him!!

You are not alone. I had to leave my AH so I could heal. I found it impossible to detach with love. I just couldn't do it anymore.

Could you ask him to stay with friends for awhile?

FlippedRHalo

FOG - wow, that's so true. I kept saying I feel like the clouds are lifting a little each day since I left, but maybe its not clouds, maybe it's the FOG. I felt a tremendous amount of all, and to some degree, I still do, but things are becoming more clear with each passing day.

Highs and lows, living in fear and on nothing but hope - the constant roller coaster. That was my relationship to a tee. It couldn't be explained any better than that. And I surely held on for dear life, determined that I was going to be the one to make him see that he was loved enough to change. HA. I was in as much denial as he was.

I know you're in such a hard & painful situation Emmy, and I know how well they're able to make you start questioning your very own sanity, but I have to say 98% of the time, my gut was spot on. The other 2%, it could have still been spot on, I just couldn't prove it.

After trying so many times and continuing to get the same exact results, eventually I think we give up. Accepting that nothing is going to change is brutal, but necessary. There's a much calmer, much happier life out there for you to find, but you'll have to fight your way out a little. They're so good at keeping the confusion high so you don't have time to think about what is going on, but once you're able to truly step away and think - your eyes will be opened to just how crazy it all is.

Sending cyber hugs. I know the pain you're in right now and I'm sorry. You deserve better. You deserve more. He can't give either to you.

Chelsea1029

"I'm good faith and he's absolutely not drinking. YEAH RIGHT. And now that I've made an issue, I'm sure he just use it as more of an excuse to drink. He literally acted like I'm insane for assuming he's going out drinking."

Thank you for saying this...I find myself thinking "I better not say ___ he will use it as an excuse to drink." Which is ridiculous - he will drink anyway, but glad to know I'm not alone. I also get him acting like I'm insane for assuming he's drinking.
It has helped so much to be away from AH and not even have the conversations. Well I'm getting better at it anyway.
I hope you are able to figure out a way to leave soon...can you make him leave?

HopefulinFLA

No EmmyG, we're not sick of you. We're all in the same boat here. ;-) You keep posting as much as you'd like.

Firefall

EMMYG:::I think we might believe that it is only romantic relationships that get this obsessive. It is not! My dwelling on how my A sister was in my head each moment of every day and it was eating me alive. I have just begun to learn that taking care of me is helping me to be who I was before sister came back into my life which makes everything better. Keep posting because we all know what it feels like, and so we help each other.

EmmyG

Just got home from hospital. I woke up at my parents' to a text from AH saying he'd had a seizure and had been taken to Cedars Sinai. I drove there and he was in a bed, hooked up to monitors but awake. I could barely look at him I was do angry. When he got up to use the restroom, I said to the nurse, "Why is he here? He just had a seizure?" She says, "Oh, is that what he told you? You'll have to ask him."

Then the doctor came out to release him and said "This is what happens when you put white powder up your nose. All it takes is one time and your heart can give out. If you're not careful you'll kill yourself."

I didn't cry. He came up to hug me and say sorry and I just said "Sorry,
don't believe you."

The brain scan they did shows a cranial arachnoid cyst, so they want him to see a neurologist.

I told him I want a divorce. I have my job interview this week and I have to try to be rested and relaxed for it. The boys are with my mom and I'm going to gather our stuff up tonight.

Seren

Oh, Emmy! I'm so sorry for the time you had today!!

I have no wise words except to please take good care of yourself and your children...and the very best of luck with your interview this week.

You will all be in my prayers!

Firefall

Emmy .. stay safe you are in my prayers

CodeJob

Well, in a twisted way he freed you on his bday EmmyG. You have done a lot of work and I have faith you are ready.

Mango blast

Emmy, many prayers and good wishes are with you and your boys.

Hawkeye13

I'm so sorry Emmy.

You are wise to focus on what you and your boys need right now.