AA and Cheating?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
He always keeps his phone on silent.
He deletes all his texts daily.
He gets defensive, then calms down and says it's "all AA related"
do the math.
it's not your trust issues, it's his secretive actions that make you question....with good reason.
his AA answer sounds like he is hiding something.
He deletes all his texts daily.
He gets defensive, then calms down and says it's "all AA related"
do the math.
it's not your trust issues, it's his secretive actions that make you question....with good reason.
his AA answer sounds like he is hiding something.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by Fandy 
He always keeps his phone on silent.
He deletes all his texts daily.
He gets defensive, then calms down and says it's "all AA related"
do the math.
it's not your trust issues, it's his secretive actions that make you question....with good reason.
his AA answer sounds like he is hiding something.
He deletes all his texts daily.
He gets defensive, then calms down and says it's "all AA related"
do the math.
it's not your trust issues, it's his secretive actions that make you question....with good reason.
his AA answer sounds like he is hiding something.
When in recovery he was transparent and honest and didn't delete his texts.
I would establish boundaries that you are comfortable with.... Trust is earned.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Okay I do delete my text messages and I also keep my phone on silent. It drives my daughter insane actually. I hate having messages on my phone, don't know why, but I always delete them. I have never understood people keeping everything on their phone. Hmmm might have to rethink this if I ever get into any kind of relationship now hahahaha.
I agree that the amount of women I see in the meetings I go to fluctuate weekly. And the ones that are there all the time are very few. The only numbers I have ever gotten in AA were women I personally don't think I would feel comfortable giving my number to a man. But that is just me and no offense to any men out there.
I know people aren't perfect, but I wouldn't want to be in any relationship where I felt that insecure that I am always worried about whether or not someone was cheating on me. For me it would be too much work. Would rather be on my own. But I am just speaking for me.
I agree that the amount of women I see in the meetings I go to fluctuate weekly. And the ones that are there all the time are very few. The only numbers I have ever gotten in AA were women I personally don't think I would feel comfortable giving my number to a man. But that is just me and no offense to any men out there.
I know people aren't perfect, but I wouldn't want to be in any relationship where I felt that insecure that I am always worried about whether or not someone was cheating on me. For me it would be too much work. Would rather be on my own. But I am just speaking for me.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I have male friends in A.A but my S.O knows about them and is also friends with them. Nothing to hide. If I was hiding something or he was hiding something it would be weird.
Don't bury your head in the sand.
Don't bury your head in the sand.
Originally Posted by nats74
Hi there. I am not sure what board to post this on and I am HORRIBLE about navigating through message boards. If someone sees this and can suggest what board to post that would be GREAT. No one has posted on the friends and family board I saw since 2013.
I just have a question. My fiance' is in AA and had been sober for almost 2 years. We have been together for a little over a year and just bought a home together. He was married in the past for 14 years and cheated on his wife and they ended up getting a divorce which is why he decided to quit drinking.
I don't know why, but something told me to pick my my fiances phone the other day and I noticed he was texting a woman, nothing sexuaL or anything like that but he was telling her about his day and today he text her and asked how her day was going. Long story short i don't know how long they have been texting. He met her at AA and he says it's an AA thing that they are just friends it's all AA related. I don't buy it. Is this normal for AA to befriend someone of the opposite sex ??? I would think it wouldn't be especially if you are in a relationship? I am stressed and have been in tears all day? AM I stressing for nothing??
Any advice would be GREAT.
I just have a question. My fiance' is in AA and had been sober for almost 2 years. We have been together for a little over a year and just bought a home together. He was married in the past for 14 years and cheated on his wife and they ended up getting a divorce which is why he decided to quit drinking.
I don't know why, but something told me to pick my my fiances phone the other day and I noticed he was texting a woman, nothing sexuaL or anything like that but he was telling her about his day and today he text her and asked how her day was going. Long story short i don't know how long they have been texting. He met her at AA and he says it's an AA thing that they are just friends it's all AA related. I don't buy it. Is this normal for AA to befriend someone of the opposite sex ??? I would think it wouldn't be especially if you are in a relationship? I am stressed and have been in tears all day? AM I stressing for nothing??
Any advice would be GREAT.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I don't know, I delete my texts like I delete my e-mails,just don't need them sitting around. I also have my phone on silent mode.
Originally Posted by Hopeworks
Wow.... Deleting texts is not recovery behavior... It is old behavior! My xa deleted his texts and kept phone on silent when drug dealers were in his circle.
When in recovery he was transparent and honest and didn't delete his texts.
I would establish boundaries that you are comfortable with.... Trust is earned.
When in recovery he was transparent and honest and didn't delete his texts.
I would establish boundaries that you are comfortable with.... Trust is earned.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
It is men with men, women with women. If he barely talks to any A.A men but is talking more to females that would set off alarm bells for me.
Originally Posted by nats74
You know what makes me MAD?? Yes, I am sitting here stewing. The fact that he TEXT "Hows Your day?" That is what he use to text me!! I can tell you this. He doesn't talk to any of his male friends everyday, barely talks to ANY AA men at all!!! I can tell you is that he would text a MALE friend Hows your DAY?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
There is a reason judges look at criminal histories before making a judgment and sentence...it matters what past behaviors have been.
This man has a history of deception and cheating! Therefore, he should be sensitive to the fact that he should use great caution not to cause his wife distress or fear and behave accordingly.
I see his behavior as more typical of selfish alcoholic behavior than recovery behavior...but that is just how I would react as someone who has been the wife who was lied to and cheated on by a man who swore up and down he wasn't having an affair!
I had been tapping my own phone and already knew he had been seeing his secret lover for over a year! Your as sick as your secrets...
The latest statistics on men admitting infidelity in at least one relationship is a whopping 57%... makes you think.
This man has a history of deception and cheating! Therefore, he should be sensitive to the fact that he should use great caution not to cause his wife distress or fear and behave accordingly.
I see his behavior as more typical of selfish alcoholic behavior than recovery behavior...but that is just how I would react as someone who has been the wife who was lied to and cheated on by a man who swore up and down he wasn't having an affair!
I had been tapping my own phone and already knew he had been seeing his secret lover for over a year! Your as sick as your secrets...
The latest statistics on men admitting infidelity in at least one relationship is a whopping 57%... makes you think.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Nats,
I'm sorry you have been in such turmoil because of all this! I don't know if your husband is doing anything he should not do, but really the only way to find out is to just talk to the man.
If you can calmly talk to him about why you are upset and worried and angry, then that might go a long way to reassuring you and even getting him to understand why his messages to other women are not such a good idea (innocent or not).
I'm sorry you have been in such turmoil because of all this! I don't know if your husband is doing anything he should not do, but really the only way to find out is to just talk to the man.
If you can calmly talk to him about why you are upset and worried and angry, then that might go a long way to reassuring you and even getting him to understand why his messages to other women are not such a good idea (innocent or not).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Originally Posted by dandylion
nats74----This is my opinion......I believe everyone has a right to know what is going on in their marriage. And, furthermore--even though many would disagree---you have a right to look aND CHECK AROUND IF YOUR GUT IS TELLING YOU SOMETHING.
a spouse who has nothing to hide will not be upset that you "looked". If they are feeling guilty and have something to hide--they will squeel like a pig.
In a marriage--the most intimate of relationships--you have a right to voice your thoughts, concerns and, yes, even your fears. If he is receptive--if your relationship is good---he would not be unduly threatened by this. In a good marriage--we make an effort to understand the other's vulnerabilities. We make every effort to work through it.
Those who have nothing to hide--hide nothing.
13th "stepping" DOES happen. We would be niaeve to assume that it doesn't!! If he has the right to talk to other women in a very friendly way--you have a right to discuss it with him.
I hope that it is innocent---but, don't hide your head in the sand, either.
I completely understand how you would be upset by this finding.
dandylion
a spouse who has nothing to hide will not be upset that you "looked". If they are feeling guilty and have something to hide--they will squeel like a pig.
In a marriage--the most intimate of relationships--you have a right to voice your thoughts, concerns and, yes, even your fears. If he is receptive--if your relationship is good---he would not be unduly threatened by this. In a good marriage--we make an effort to understand the other's vulnerabilities. We make every effort to work through it.
Those who have nothing to hide--hide nothing.
13th "stepping" DOES happen. We would be niaeve to assume that it doesn't!! If he has the right to talk to other women in a very friendly way--you have a right to discuss it with him.
I hope that it is innocent---but, don't hide your head in the sand, either.
I completely understand how you would be upset by this finding.
dandylion
And I was giving your fiance the benefit of the doubt, right up until I read the message deleting thing. While there may be a good reason for doing that other than not wanting someone else to read them, I can't think of any.
As far as the friend thing goes, my best friend in AA right now is a woman. A fairly attractive one, too. My wife has met her. My wife can go through my texts any time she wants. She never has. I don't delete anything. I keep my phone on vibrate, because 75% of my time is spent in places it has to be, but I've never hidden who's calling. My wife has access to my phone pretty much any time I'm home. I have no secrets. She has no worries. I'm not sexually attracted to my AA friend, and she's never given me any reason whasoever to believe she's interested in me, beyone our platonic friendship. Point I'm trying to make is that contrary to what a lot of people believe, these friendships do exist. But, and this is a big but, it's crystal clear that I have nothing whatsoever to hide.
I agree with those saying that this has to be put on the table. And it needs to be clear that he understands how it's affecting you, and IMO cares enough to want to make you comfortable about it. Should there be no cause for concern. An unwillingness to do that, as far as I'm concerned, is reason to bail.
The greatest thing my wife ever said to me, early in our relationship, took me by surprise. I don't remember what was going on, but I got pretty heated up over something, and looked at me with a twisted expression. She said, "Joe, what the hell are freaking out about? I'm on your side. We're in this together." May not sound all too profound here, but something about the way she said that really clicked, and stayed with me till this day. There's no battle between the 2 of us. We're a team, and we work together as one. I wouldn't be married if that weren't the case.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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nats--I just want to add that it would be good to remember this: Even though he has been sober for almost 2yrs. and in AA (yea f0r him!)----he is still in early recovery. Knowing the alcoholic ego---he is vulnerable--just as the women and newcomer women are!
It can be sooo easy to fall into a relationship that massages one's ego needs in a setting like AA. I believe that is why their traditions are so heavy about this. Needy and vulnerable.......makes it so easy to trot down the forbidden path.
I hope he talks to his sponsor about this...although, you shouldn't stick your nose too far into that....
nats--you keep talking about your trust issues--like the fault is all yours.
I think it is impossible to trust completely when the other party does not have a trustworthy history. Also--trust is different than turning a blind eye. I think the important thing is to TRUST your gut.
Could be an issue for the two of you to deal with in the presence of a marital therapist?
Whatever you do...it would be a mistake to just sweep it under the rug and bury your head in the sand. Unresolved issues lifke this will resurface and bite you in the A**.
dandylion
It can be sooo easy to fall into a relationship that massages one's ego needs in a setting like AA. I believe that is why their traditions are so heavy about this. Needy and vulnerable.......makes it so easy to trot down the forbidden path.
I hope he talks to his sponsor about this...although, you shouldn't stick your nose too far into that....
nats--you keep talking about your trust issues--like the fault is all yours.
I think it is impossible to trust completely when the other party does not have a trustworthy history. Also--trust is different than turning a blind eye. I think the important thing is to TRUST your gut.
Could be an issue for the two of you to deal with in the presence of a marital therapist?
Whatever you do...it would be a mistake to just sweep it under the rug and bury your head in the sand. Unresolved issues lifke this will resurface and bite you in the A**.
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I have never cheated, but I have been cheated on by my exA.
I delete all texts. I don't like clutter. I also like my privacy and would never show anyone my phone or computer because those are private items to me, kind of like a journal.
Since privacy is important to me and I respect others' privacy, I would not look at someone else's phone or computer.
I dont care what the relationship status is, married or not, I think people are individuals not halves of the same unit...but those are my beliefs.
If you are suspicious of him, could it be because he has a history of cheating? You doubt your relationship? What made you want to look at his phone to begin with?
I delete all texts. I don't like clutter. I also like my privacy and would never show anyone my phone or computer because those are private items to me, kind of like a journal.
Since privacy is important to me and I respect others' privacy, I would not look at someone else's phone or computer.
I dont care what the relationship status is, married or not, I think people are individuals not halves of the same unit...but those are my beliefs.
If you are suspicious of him, could it be because he has a history of cheating? You doubt your relationship? What made you want to look at his phone to begin with?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
being in AA does not give one license to special treatment or a bending of the rules. so let's take AA out of it for a moment.....now what do we have. a man who is spending time and interacting with another woman who is not his primary partner....sending text messages of how was your day?....then deleting them and getting really defensive when questioned.
hmmmm.
if there is nothing to hide, then nothing is hidden. if things are on the up and up there is nothing to defend or obfuscate.
my husband has a cellphone but texting is just beyond his skill set...he sticks to making phone calls. so we gave a buddy of his MY smartphone number and he has periodically texted my phone - he has a motorcycle for sale and a few months ago they participated in a bricklaying competition and we needed the address etc so I could google it. whenever I get a text from E, I let hank know but I do not on my own respond. I have no desire to have a text thing with a buddy of his!!! nor do I want to encourage ongoing message exchanges with him. there's nothing on my phone, or his, or in my purse, or in his glovebox, etc that the other should not see.
accountability and transparency are key elements of trust.
hmmmm.
if there is nothing to hide, then nothing is hidden. if things are on the up and up there is nothing to defend or obfuscate.
my husband has a cellphone but texting is just beyond his skill set...he sticks to making phone calls. so we gave a buddy of his MY smartphone number and he has periodically texted my phone - he has a motorcycle for sale and a few months ago they participated in a bricklaying competition and we needed the address etc so I could google it. whenever I get a text from E, I let hank know but I do not on my own respond. I have no desire to have a text thing with a buddy of his!!! nor do I want to encourage ongoing message exchanges with him. there's nothing on my phone, or his, or in my purse, or in his glovebox, etc that the other should not see.
accountability and transparency are key elements of trust.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Step back a second and examine this issue. I think it is about how the two of you define a committed relationship, and how that definition might differ.
One believes in complete transparency. The other feels that having their own private life is ok, or, to put it another way, has friends that he doesn't share that information with his fiancé.
People define committed/loyalty differently. I think you need a discussion about transparency, and where the two of you are going to come to a compromise on how much transparency is needed for the relationship to be secure.
One feels friendships that they don't share is ok. The other feels this is lacking transparency.
This could be a sign of much bigger things to come, so a discussion on how much transparency and sharing is to be expected would go a long way to understanding how a future marriage with him would be.
How he reacts to that discussion is going to help you understand the degree of separation in your upcoming marriage, and it is also going to reveal if he is open to the discussion or is negative, hostile, or shut off from such a discussion.
There's a good place to start. It leaves out the accusation. The truth will be revealed with this approach, just be attentive to the clues.
One believes in complete transparency. The other feels that having their own private life is ok, or, to put it another way, has friends that he doesn't share that information with his fiancé.
People define committed/loyalty differently. I think you need a discussion about transparency, and where the two of you are going to come to a compromise on how much transparency is needed for the relationship to be secure.
One feels friendships that they don't share is ok. The other feels this is lacking transparency.
This could be a sign of much bigger things to come, so a discussion on how much transparency and sharing is to be expected would go a long way to understanding how a future marriage with him would be.
How he reacts to that discussion is going to help you understand the degree of separation in your upcoming marriage, and it is also going to reveal if he is open to the discussion or is negative, hostile, or shut off from such a discussion.
There's a good place to start. It leaves out the accusation. The truth will be revealed with this approach, just be attentive to the clues.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: COlorado
Posts: 10
First of all A BIG THANK to ALL of you. You have all been so kind in taking the time to share you thoughts on my issue. 
I agree with what most everyone has said. I need to talk to him again. We never had the chance to talk yesterday since the initial blow out. So I we will be talking today sometime.
The thing is I wouldn't mind if he had female friends, he NEVER has mentioned any! Hes mentioned only a couple men from AA and talks about a couple other friends from time to time, of whom are all MALE. Had he of said I met the cool lady at AA and shes going though a rough time yada yada... I would have invited her over to one of our game nights or something. So, I am NOT a jealous person. I do have trust issues, however, as someone said in the thread Trust and turing your head are two different things. SO I will keep you posted on how the talk goes.
And I just wanted to say congrats to all of you who have conquered the the ALCOHOL problem. I have never had a problem with alcohol, but I was a SMOKER up until last MAY and I have to tell you, YESTERDAY I was SOOOO close to going to buy cigarettes!!! I am STILL thinking about it today. The only thing that kept me from going is how excited my little boy was when I quit!! Now I am thinking if I just had one or two and didn't let anyone know. BUT I am going to stay strong!!
I agree with what most everyone has said. I need to talk to him again. We never had the chance to talk yesterday since the initial blow out. So I we will be talking today sometime.
The thing is I wouldn't mind if he had female friends, he NEVER has mentioned any! Hes mentioned only a couple men from AA and talks about a couple other friends from time to time, of whom are all MALE. Had he of said I met the cool lady at AA and shes going though a rough time yada yada... I would have invited her over to one of our game nights or something. So, I am NOT a jealous person. I do have trust issues, however, as someone said in the thread Trust and turing your head are two different things. SO I will keep you posted on how the talk goes.
And I just wanted to say congrats to all of you who have conquered the the ALCOHOL problem. I have never had a problem with alcohol, but I was a SMOKER up until last MAY and I have to tell you, YESTERDAY I was SOOOO close to going to buy cigarettes!!! I am STILL thinking about it today. The only thing that kept me from going is how excited my little boy was when I quit!! Now I am thinking if I just had one or two and didn't let anyone know. BUT I am going to stay strong!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Is he open about other friendships? Is he open overall? Does he tell you usually the fine details of his day? If he does, but not on this one person, there's a red flag because it is out of character.
If he's not a sharer usually of the fine details of his day, his phone calls, his life, then it is in his character to be how he is with this woman.
You want more sharing of relationships he has than he has so far given if this relationship is innocent. You want something--you need to ask for it and see what happens.
If he's not a sharer usually of the fine details of his day, his phone calls, his life, then it is in his character to be how he is with this woman.
You want more sharing of relationships he has than he has so far given if this relationship is innocent. You want something--you need to ask for it and see what happens.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago,il
Posts: 71
Based on a lot of the comments above it seems like we have a lot of perfect people that have never made a mistake in their past. All power to you. I'm somewhat envious on a personal level and generally surprised given the rarity of this trait (sorry...insert sarcasm....and a laugh!).
I'm a RA and just wanted to provide a different perspective and some general comments. Take what you want and ditch the rest.
I went through an intensive outpatient therapay program that ended in January, am doing a continuing care program 2 nights a week and go to 5-7 meetings a week. I'm married and 3 kids. Have never had an affair and am not looking to have an affair but I'm not sure that matters. I clearly had character defects and am working to improve.
If you haven't done a program, AA, Alanon, or something similar it might seem a bit foreign but a key component of most recovery programs is support from RA's of all sobriety tenure. The sex of the sober buddy doesn't matter is the person is working the program and using support of fellow A's to get through 24 hours at a time. My wife has my passwords and looks at my phone and emails. My phone is on silent all day (while at the office) and night. I text with various people from my original IOP group and from AA. Just today I gave my phone # to a person at an AA mtg that was at their first meeting and 7 days sober. I've never once thought anything innapropriate with these sober buddies (male or female). Some of the female could be the age of my mom, myself or younger. Similar to other posters - I periodically delete texts just like i delete emails to manage the clutter. Nothing more, nothing less.
Part of the program is to also give back and help other A's. You didn't provide enough information so nobody on this board has enough information to based sound decisions. Perhaps you all might think differently if this girl is suicidal and he is trying to help? Perhaps she just relapsed and he's trying to help her through her day or vice versa?
Contrary to what was posted above - you can or can't separate AA from the contact. the program relies on sober buddies.
It didn't look like you uncovered anything inappropriate. There clearly are trust issues. Sounds like you might benefit from some of the program as well if you can't get past what he did in his past. I'm not perfect, my wife isn't perfect....and I would go nuts if I couldn't trust her.
Work on your trust issues and make sure to communicate with him so you both understand the situation and the concerns. Maybe there is more to it? Maybe there isn't.
What i can say is nobody is perfect. We would be a messed up world if people didn't have the opportunity to improve after a screw up. Sounds like he cheated on his former wife/girlfriend. Does it mean he'll do it again to you? Hard to tell but you do need to find a way to establish trust.
Just my 2 cents. Have a great weekend.
I'm a RA and just wanted to provide a different perspective and some general comments. Take what you want and ditch the rest.
I went through an intensive outpatient therapay program that ended in January, am doing a continuing care program 2 nights a week and go to 5-7 meetings a week. I'm married and 3 kids. Have never had an affair and am not looking to have an affair but I'm not sure that matters. I clearly had character defects and am working to improve.
If you haven't done a program, AA, Alanon, or something similar it might seem a bit foreign but a key component of most recovery programs is support from RA's of all sobriety tenure. The sex of the sober buddy doesn't matter is the person is working the program and using support of fellow A's to get through 24 hours at a time. My wife has my passwords and looks at my phone and emails. My phone is on silent all day (while at the office) and night. I text with various people from my original IOP group and from AA. Just today I gave my phone # to a person at an AA mtg that was at their first meeting and 7 days sober. I've never once thought anything innapropriate with these sober buddies (male or female). Some of the female could be the age of my mom, myself or younger. Similar to other posters - I periodically delete texts just like i delete emails to manage the clutter. Nothing more, nothing less.
Part of the program is to also give back and help other A's. You didn't provide enough information so nobody on this board has enough information to based sound decisions. Perhaps you all might think differently if this girl is suicidal and he is trying to help? Perhaps she just relapsed and he's trying to help her through her day or vice versa?
Contrary to what was posted above - you can or can't separate AA from the contact. the program relies on sober buddies.
It didn't look like you uncovered anything inappropriate. There clearly are trust issues. Sounds like you might benefit from some of the program as well if you can't get past what he did in his past. I'm not perfect, my wife isn't perfect....and I would go nuts if I couldn't trust her.
Work on your trust issues and make sure to communicate with him so you both understand the situation and the concerns. Maybe there is more to it? Maybe there isn't.
What i can say is nobody is perfect. We would be a messed up world if people didn't have the opportunity to improve after a screw up. Sounds like he cheated on his former wife/girlfriend. Does it mean he'll do it again to you? Hard to tell but you do need to find a way to establish trust.
Just my 2 cents. Have a great weekend.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
RAH and I both tend to leave our phones on silent because they are used for both work and personal; we do not want others interrupting our personal time so only check them when we want to deal with what may be coming in. We also both delete texts & emails from our phones, but that is more to do with keeping them clutter-free.
Nat, may I make a suggestion for your conversation with your fiance (take what you want and leave the rest)? Really examine your thoughts and feelings on this so you can explain what is the true reason it bothers you. When you talk to him, try to stick with how you feel about it so he does not feel blamed or accused...this can help it be a more productive conversation. Something like 'when you don't share with me about your new relationships, I feel excluded from your life...we are building a life together and I would like us to share everything with each other..." and that could bridge into the transparency discussion another poster wisely suggested. Good luck to you.
Nat, may I make a suggestion for your conversation with your fiance (take what you want and leave the rest)? Really examine your thoughts and feelings on this so you can explain what is the true reason it bothers you. When you talk to him, try to stick with how you feel about it so he does not feel blamed or accused...this can help it be a more productive conversation. Something like 'when you don't share with me about your new relationships, I feel excluded from your life...we are building a life together and I would like us to share everything with each other..." and that could bridge into the transparency discussion another poster wisely suggested. Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I think the main issue is being overlooked. It has nothing to do with her BF texting or talking or anything else like that. It has to do with she doesn't trust him. I don't know why and it's none of my business.
I do believe though that if you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship.
Your friend,
I do believe though that if you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Here’s my two cents, his history is pulling on those trust issues of yours. It’s amazing that when we are so untrusting we end up in a relationship with the un -trustable. His history already shows you how he valued his marriage. Not everything can be blamed on alcohol. It’s a false sense of security to think just because alcohol is no longer in the picture, doesn’t make him recovered from any of his issues including cheating that brought him to find relief in the bottle and outside of his marriage.
And as you mentioned he doesn’t have but 2 friends in AA and doesn’t call either one of them, doesn’t appear to be a strong recovery program. Many people just sit in those rooms abstaining from the drink but not obtaining the message.
Of course you want to talk to him, you are looking for assurance and he is going to be looking for a way out of this mess. He may just end up covering it up better; he may just end up not communicating with her. He may end up talking to and texting to her right in front of you.
More will be revealed when it needs to be.
Great on quitting smoking!!!
And as you mentioned he doesn’t have but 2 friends in AA and doesn’t call either one of them, doesn’t appear to be a strong recovery program. Many people just sit in those rooms abstaining from the drink but not obtaining the message.
Of course you want to talk to him, you are looking for assurance and he is going to be looking for a way out of this mess. He may just end up covering it up better; he may just end up not communicating with her. He may end up talking to and texting to her right in front of you.
More will be revealed when it needs to be.
Great on quitting smoking!!!
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