He has left me and children
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 48
Hi,
we are still married.
I thought just yesterday how insane HE is...
Before he moved he said " We won`t get divorced"
And this although he insisted how he hated me and he thought that divorce will be the only answer to our (his?!) problems....
I think he want to have everything under his control.
He wants to be loved obsessively by me and then he likes to reject me...
It is NOT a healthy relationship.
I hope I will find someone new in my life, maybe then he will try to get me back.
But there will be no back for him anymore.
Thank you all!
we are still married.
I thought just yesterday how insane HE is...
Before he moved he said " We won`t get divorced"
And this although he insisted how he hated me and he thought that divorce will be the only answer to our (his?!) problems....
I think he want to have everything under his control.
He wants to be loved obsessively by me and then he likes to reject me...
It is NOT a healthy relationship.
I hope I will find someone new in my life, maybe then he will try to get me back.
But there will be no back for him anymore.
Thank you all!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Hello Sara,
It is good that you found this wonderful site. There is so much to learn. I am from Europe myself and know exactly what you are talking about. We stress the physical aspect of alcoholism but but do not know much about the three Cs. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. It is absolutely not your fault. And whoever tries to tell you something different is pretty much an idiot. Your husband is an alcoholic and everything that comes with it in a little alcoholic package. Do not argue with him. In his eyes, it is only another reason for him to pick up the glass.
Basically, he is a very very sick man, and there is nothing you can do about it. However, you must protect yourself and your child. His disease is only going to get worse and you have to think about your future with and around that man.
Make sure to educate yourself about the nature of this disease. Read about Al-Anon and other groups. It has helped me tremendously to cope and avoid many many ugly things.
It is good that you found this wonderful site. There is so much to learn. I am from Europe myself and know exactly what you are talking about. We stress the physical aspect of alcoholism but but do not know much about the three Cs. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. It is absolutely not your fault. And whoever tries to tell you something different is pretty much an idiot. Your husband is an alcoholic and everything that comes with it in a little alcoholic package. Do not argue with him. In his eyes, it is only another reason for him to pick up the glass.
Basically, he is a very very sick man, and there is nothing you can do about it. However, you must protect yourself and your child. His disease is only going to get worse and you have to think about your future with and around that man.
Make sure to educate yourself about the nature of this disease. Read about Al-Anon and other groups. It has helped me tremendously to cope and avoid many many ugly things.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 48
And what me also makes reflective is the fact that HE left ME.
It is said that abusers NEVER leave...
Then I think I am also abusive.
And its a little bit true...because in the beginning of our relationship I monopolized him for me...I was jealous because he was so popular and so...
And the problems blew up...later he lived secluded also, and I had many friends...
BUT: I saw this and talked to him that I don`t like him to "copy" me.
I said:" I want you to be happy again, dont make MY problems YOURS..."
But he didn`t.
I don`t know but I really think a psychologist could have helped us much.
Maybe we could be a couple, maybe a happy couple...
But if he doesn t want to see his part...it is over
It is said that abusers NEVER leave...
Then I think I am also abusive.
And its a little bit true...because in the beginning of our relationship I monopolized him for me...I was jealous because he was so popular and so...
And the problems blew up...later he lived secluded also, and I had many friends...
BUT: I saw this and talked to him that I don`t like him to "copy" me.
I said:" I want you to be happy again, dont make MY problems YOURS..."
But he didn`t.
I don`t know but I really think a psychologist could have helped us much.
Maybe we could be a couple, maybe a happy couple...
But if he doesn t want to see his part...it is over
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 48
Oh I read a post about abusers.
Almost every word could come from my husband...
I understand that he has humiliated so much that I really believe I have all the responsibility for our sad relationship and his alcoholism.
But the reality is different:
He could have argued with me about all the things he didn`t like, couldn`t he?
I will learn to accept that he never loved me...
Because if he did, he would have never said things like:
Look, you are mentally ill, everyone would leave you, but I stay!!!!
This is not fair and this is not normal and not love!
It is mental abuse.
Because I had a PPD after I have born. And it was terrible enough and I went to a therapist, took medicine...my husband only said: "Donīt you have a bad conscience to let yourself go ?"
He never realized that it`s an illness and I could nothing for it.
And I did my very best!!!
No, he never loved me
Almost every word could come from my husband...
I understand that he has humiliated so much that I really believe I have all the responsibility for our sad relationship and his alcoholism.
But the reality is different:
He could have argued with me about all the things he didn`t like, couldn`t he?
I will learn to accept that he never loved me...
Because if he did, he would have never said things like:
Look, you are mentally ill, everyone would leave you, but I stay!!!!
This is not fair and this is not normal and not love!
It is mental abuse.
Because I had a PPD after I have born. And it was terrible enough and I went to a therapist, took medicine...my husband only said: "Donīt you have a bad conscience to let yourself go ?"
He never realized that it`s an illness and I could nothing for it.
And I did my very best!!!
No, he never loved me
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
I don't know if he ever loved you or not but I do know he has abused you and for this I am so sorry. Please begin to love you and see what an amazing woman you are and a great mother. Your alcoholic husband would have turned out the same way whether you were sick for time or not, this is who he is which had nothing to do with you no matter what he tells you. Free yourself of the abuse, walk away and begin to live!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Please take some time to recover before you find a new man. I say this because if you start a new relationship now, you will probably bring the fear and anger you have for your husband to a new man. This might end up in more sadness. If you met someone new and it looks like he is good for you and you really like him, maybe that is okay. If you are seeking someone for right now, then you might find yourself settling for a new man who is also not right for you. You are a lovable, worthy person whether you have a man validating you or not. That will ALWAYS be true.
Sometimes it's good to imagine a child or a friend in our situation and what we would like them to do in that situation. What would you like your daughter to do for herself if she married an abusive alcoholic and that man left her with two children?
Sometimes it's good to imagine a child or a friend in our situation and what we would like them to do in that situation. What would you like your daughter to do for herself if she married an abusive alcoholic and that man left her with two children?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by LightInside 
Please take some time to recover before you find a new man. I say this because if you start a new relationship now, you will probably bring the fear and anger you have for your husband to a new man. This might end up in more sadness. If you met someone new and it looks like he is good for you and you really like him, maybe that is okay. If you are seeking someone for right now, then you might find yourself settling for a new man who is also not right for you. You are a lovable, worthy person whether you have a man validating you or not. That will ALWAYS be true.
Sometimes it's good to imagine a child or a friend in our situation and what we would like them to do in that situation. What would you like your daughter to do for herself if she married an abusive alcoholic and that man left her with two children?
Sometimes it's good to imagine a child or a friend in our situation and what we would like them to do in that situation. What would you like your daughter to do for herself if she married an abusive alcoholic and that man left her with two children?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 48
Mmm something is odd with my Ex...
We must pay for different bills of our former flat and he wants to participate...what is his obligation, too.
But he incessantly asks if he should bring me the money.
I said NO and yesterday he wrote again:
The money will be on your account only at Monday...
Is this ok, otherwise I will bring you the money...
I don`t know but beside of this he tells me that the child protective service has called him to look for a job and quit his studies (yes he is still a student) to pay for his family.
He told this as if he wanted to get compassion of me...As if he was my friend ...I find it curious and for me it smacks like kind of approach?
Maybe I am wrong but for me it feels so....
I`m confused.
Is the new act in the theatre opened???
Iīm glad that I rejected his offer to obtain the money personally...
I am sure I would have regretted it...
Greetings...
We must pay for different bills of our former flat and he wants to participate...what is his obligation, too.
But he incessantly asks if he should bring me the money.
I said NO and yesterday he wrote again:
The money will be on your account only at Monday...
Is this ok, otherwise I will bring you the money...
I don`t know but beside of this he tells me that the child protective service has called him to look for a job and quit his studies (yes he is still a student) to pay for his family.
He told this as if he wanted to get compassion of me...As if he was my friend ...I find it curious and for me it smacks like kind of approach?
Maybe I am wrong but for me it feels so....
I`m confused.
Is the new act in the theatre opened???
Iīm glad that I rejected his offer to obtain the money personally...
I am sure I would have regretted it...
Greetings...
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Iamfreenow-
I am learning a lot about codependency and detachment. The stickies found in at the top of the forum pages really have taught me a lot. So much that I am planning on going to Al anon.
I know it is super hard to detach yourself, and I am working on that...but it is a part of the recovery- YOUR recovery. I've discovered that I can't get AH to "get sober" but I can change how I let it effect me.
Good luck and good job for standing your ground. Your a good mother!
I am learning a lot about codependency and detachment. The stickies found in at the top of the forum pages really have taught me a lot. So much that I am planning on going to Al anon.
I know it is super hard to detach yourself, and I am working on that...but it is a part of the recovery- YOUR recovery. I've discovered that I can't get AH to "get sober" but I can change how I let it effect me.
Good luck and good job for standing your ground. Your a good mother!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
If you have that gut feeling that something is fishy, then it probably is. He might be manipulating you and pushing your buttons. It is always very hard to tell. He might be playing the victim ("oh, poor me"), so you feel sorry for him.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
so you ex is a student and they want him to get a job to support his family, is that right? You say he is now trying to make nice to you? He's looking for compassion? Iamfreenow, have you heard the word ENABLER before? That word describes a codependent which most of us posters here are or use to be. Have you read the stickies on the top of the page? It might help you understand some of what your ex is doing to you and explain some of the emotions you are feeling.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
My X tried to act like we were friends the day after he left me. He did this in a needy, narcissistic way, like he wanted me to listen to him complain the same complaints about his work and the people there. He wasn't willing to provide any support for me though. I was confused, because I wanted to be his friend, but I didn't realize at the time that it would not have been good for me to immediately be his friend. It's still no good for me 9 months later. I am so grateful now that I don't have to hear him complain every day. 
I'm not over him, but I can feel good about some aspects of him setting me free now.
My X has also told me in a text message that he loves me and our son. I struggled with that, because I wanted to hear it, but I know it's just how he felt in that moment. I know he doesn't love me because his actions don't show it anymore.
A couple of weeks ago, he said he'd like to see my new apartment. Ha! I've told him No Contact and sometimes he just pretends that I never said that, or maybe he thinks it's been long enough, so I must think so too. I won't jeopardize my Serenity one second longer trying to figure out why he does this stuff.
The answer is always the same. They don't have accurate perceptions of reality. They will make themselves believe whatever feels best. In the case of your husband, after hearing you describe him and his behaviors, my opinion is that he feels better about his self worth when he has power over you. He wants to keep believing that you depend on him, because that would mean any time he needs a boost in self worth, he can go to you for it. He probably likes to make you feel worthless because that is the way he knows to make himself feel worthwhile. Very sad, but I am so proud of you for "standing your ground," keeping your commitment to yourself and not letting him in so he can wipe his muddy boots on your heart. Keep taking care of yourself! Hugs!
I'm not over him, but I can feel good about some aspects of him setting me free now.My X has also told me in a text message that he loves me and our son. I struggled with that, because I wanted to hear it, but I know it's just how he felt in that moment. I know he doesn't love me because his actions don't show it anymore.
A couple of weeks ago, he said he'd like to see my new apartment. Ha! I've told him No Contact and sometimes he just pretends that I never said that, or maybe he thinks it's been long enough, so I must think so too. I won't jeopardize my Serenity one second longer trying to figure out why he does this stuff.
The answer is always the same. They don't have accurate perceptions of reality. They will make themselves believe whatever feels best. In the case of your husband, after hearing you describe him and his behaviors, my opinion is that he feels better about his self worth when he has power over you. He wants to keep believing that you depend on him, because that would mean any time he needs a boost in self worth, he can go to you for it. He probably likes to make you feel worthless because that is the way he knows to make himself feel worthwhile. Very sad, but I am so proud of you for "standing your ground," keeping your commitment to yourself and not letting him in so he can wipe his muddy boots on your heart. Keep taking care of yourself! Hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 48
Hey,
oh ****.I saw him today on my way to the dustbin.
I got a shock. I knew he was on the way to get the kids and go to the cinema...but I never thought, he walked round the corner....I trembled...I don t know why? Do I love him still?
He looked like ever, he has overweight and always the same clothes.
He said "Hello",....I couldn`t answer.
I just said nothing, threw the trash in the dustbin and walked to the door, absolutely ignoring him.
I don`t know if this is right, it`s maybe even childish, but I couldn`t do it better.
If he wants something from me, and if its only "hello", he should apologize for spitting and hitting me FIRST!
Greetings...
oh ****.I saw him today on my way to the dustbin.
I got a shock. I knew he was on the way to get the kids and go to the cinema...but I never thought, he walked round the corner....I trembled...I don t know why? Do I love him still?
He looked like ever, he has overweight and always the same clothes.
He said "Hello",....I couldn`t answer.
I just said nothing, threw the trash in the dustbin and walked to the door, absolutely ignoring him.
I don`t know if this is right, it`s maybe even childish, but I couldn`t do it better.
If he wants something from me, and if its only "hello", he should apologize for spitting and hitting me FIRST!
Greetings...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 48
Hi
I`m back again and I feel so bad...
My ex was there yesterday and I saw him, unfortunately...
I`m so down again, I can`t go on, it is all so hard.
You have to know I`m a student also, and since we moved I have very few money because I have no job.
I live of a credit for students and child benefit money and so.
And I have debts also.
My parents try to help me over this situation but I feel so tired....
I ask me :What man would leave his family without having a new woman???
I think the answer is clear: Nobody...
In his whatsapp-account he has his status as "wonderful"...
All things which are quite uncommon for him.
He never went to the cinema
He never went to the furniture shop
He never bought many gifts for the kids
He never...........
So this gives me the feeling that just the fact I`m out of his life makes him to a wonderful happy man!
Maybe he wants me to believe that too...
I saw a picture with him and my son, too...
He smiled....he never did that way before...
WHY?
Yes, we HAD problems,but for my opinion it would be responsible to solve them all together ....
He never wanted it...
He never loved me, he wanted me for a visa...and nothing more...
Sad(
I`m back again and I feel so bad...
My ex was there yesterday and I saw him, unfortunately...
I`m so down again, I can`t go on, it is all so hard.
You have to know I`m a student also, and since we moved I have very few money because I have no job.
I live of a credit for students and child benefit money and so.
And I have debts also.
My parents try to help me over this situation but I feel so tired....
I ask me :What man would leave his family without having a new woman???
I think the answer is clear: Nobody...
In his whatsapp-account he has his status as "wonderful"...
All things which are quite uncommon for him.
He never went to the cinema
He never went to the furniture shop
He never bought many gifts for the kids
He never...........
So this gives me the feeling that just the fact I`m out of his life makes him to a wonderful happy man!
Maybe he wants me to believe that too...
I saw a picture with him and my son, too...
He smiled....he never did that way before...
WHY?
Yes, we HAD problems,but for my opinion it would be responsible to solve them all together ....
He never wanted it...
He never loved me, he wanted me for a visa...and nothing more...
Sad
(
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
He never wanted it...
He never loved me, he wanted me for a visa...and nothing more...
He never loved me, he wanted me for a visa...and nothing more...
This is not about loving you or not and he probably loved you but his addiction is much stronger. It is like a mental illness you know, the alcohol has such a pull on the alcoholic it is a mental obsession. Right now, his disease is telling him that life is wonderful because he can drink without interference.
This is not about you, not about love: this is alcoholism in action.
I am not sure if they have Al Anon in Germany but I know they do have some online meetings you could attend. Like all of us, you have been affected by a loved one drinking and you need healing yourself. Be kind to yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 48
Hi
so I hope you are all doing well...
I`m not really. Our daily routine is difficult, it is very exhausting...
Today I saw my ex, because he wanted me to collect the children from bus stop...
He looks good, he has a new job, i have the feeling everything is great for him, he even looks thinner....
So we have so many deep problems now, my daughter has to go to the psychologist,...she misses daddy,....and he goes on and seems so happy...
I don`t understand.
To leave familiy and be happy with the knowledge to have destroyed two families (he was married before...and also left..)
It seems that he has no conscientiousness....
It seems that he has not the first hint of guilt feelings...
I cannot understand it...
We must fight here everyday...I study and it its very, very hard, we have no car, have to rise very early every day, we are tired,....it`s so hard...
And he?
No conscious, he doesn`t seem to miss the children....
It seems everything is okay for him?
Maybe he has stopped drinking too....
It is not fair, I read in a book (psychology) that many husbands start to drink if they are unhappy in marriage....
But was it really only my job to MAKE him happy?
Or isn`t it normal that he should have tried to make ME happy, also???
I have still feelings for him and can`t live with it...
He didn`t congratulate to my birthday a few days ago...
I am so unhappy....I have to come to the truth that he never loved me...I just thought it....
SAD...(
so I hope you are all doing well...
I`m not really. Our daily routine is difficult, it is very exhausting...
Today I saw my ex, because he wanted me to collect the children from bus stop...
He looks good, he has a new job, i have the feeling everything is great for him, he even looks thinner....
So we have so many deep problems now, my daughter has to go to the psychologist,...she misses daddy,....and he goes on and seems so happy...
I don`t understand.
To leave familiy and be happy with the knowledge to have destroyed two families (he was married before...and also left..)
It seems that he has no conscientiousness....
It seems that he has not the first hint of guilt feelings...
I cannot understand it...
We must fight here everyday...I study and it its very, very hard, we have no car, have to rise very early every day, we are tired,....it`s so hard...
And he?
No conscious, he doesn`t seem to miss the children....
It seems everything is okay for him?
Maybe he has stopped drinking too....
It is not fair, I read in a book (psychology) that many husbands start to drink if they are unhappy in marriage....
But was it really only my job to MAKE him happy?
Or isn`t it normal that he should have tried to make ME happy, also???
I have still feelings for him and can`t live with it...
He didn`t congratulate to my birthday a few days ago...
I am so unhappy....I have to come to the truth that he never loved me...I just thought it....
SAD...
(
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
I'm sorry you are hurting, but as long as you continue to focus on him,
you will not give your wounds time to heal or really move forward in your life.
That's just a fact.
It doesn't matter what he felt, or feels.
What matters is what you can do to continue to move forward without any focus
on him, but instead putting it on yourself and you children.
This is the only thing that will bring you peace in the end.
you will not give your wounds time to heal or really move forward in your life.
That's just a fact.
It doesn't matter what he felt, or feels.
What matters is what you can do to continue to move forward without any focus
on him, but instead putting it on yourself and you children.
This is the only thing that will bring you peace in the end.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Sara, my heart hurts in the same way. It gets better. Then it gets worse. Then better. Then worse. Back and forth, around and around but always, you can move up. Every time it hurts, it's not as bad as the first month. Every time it is better, it is better than the last month (I have definitely had some exceptions to this pattern). That's how it is for me and I hope it is this way for you. Do you feel less pain than you did in the springtime? I hope so.
I fully understand how your life is so demanding. Mine is too. Nonstop effort. Have you taken the kids out for any low cost or free events like festivals or fairs? I try to take my son to anything I can. Maybe you can fake a smile. Pretend to be happy sometimes. I'm not saying that you should stifle your sadness. No. Make time, if you can to break down and cry and feel terrible and make time for fun and laughter. You will gradually have happier times.
I am proud of you for studying and trying to succeed in life, all while you are trying to raise 2 children alone and mend your heart. It is SO hard. Life keeps going.
Something that helps me is that I get erasable markers and draw flowers and write positive messages to myself on my mirror. The other day, I had a good day and I wrote a letter for myself so I can read it when I am sad or anxious and remind myself that I can be happy.
I like when you post here, because you remind me that I have come a long way. I just know you can do it too! Keep your head up! Remind yourself of who you were before you started listening to his criticisms of you. She is still inside you!
Lately, I have been feeling stuck with my heartbreak - just missing my X and asking my higher power why it's like this. I keep having the believing that he and I are supposed to be together and happy. I keep waiting for him to be sorry he left me. I'm Afraid that I will always feel this bad, even though I have already improved so much.
When I hear someone like you express your feelings and thoughts, I have so much hope for the person. I often more hope for others than I have had for myself. When I recognize that, I am able to have more hope for myself. So I thank you for coming to SR for help. I have hope for you to feel very good one day. Then I feel hope that I will feel good again too.
Thank you! Chin up!
I fully understand how your life is so demanding. Mine is too. Nonstop effort. Have you taken the kids out for any low cost or free events like festivals or fairs? I try to take my son to anything I can. Maybe you can fake a smile. Pretend to be happy sometimes. I'm not saying that you should stifle your sadness. No. Make time, if you can to break down and cry and feel terrible and make time for fun and laughter. You will gradually have happier times.
I am proud of you for studying and trying to succeed in life, all while you are trying to raise 2 children alone and mend your heart. It is SO hard. Life keeps going.
Something that helps me is that I get erasable markers and draw flowers and write positive messages to myself on my mirror. The other day, I had a good day and I wrote a letter for myself so I can read it when I am sad or anxious and remind myself that I can be happy.
I like when you post here, because you remind me that I have come a long way. I just know you can do it too! Keep your head up! Remind yourself of who you were before you started listening to his criticisms of you. She is still inside you!
Lately, I have been feeling stuck with my heartbreak - just missing my X and asking my higher power why it's like this. I keep having the believing that he and I are supposed to be together and happy. I keep waiting for him to be sorry he left me. I'm Afraid that I will always feel this bad, even though I have already improved so much.
When I hear someone like you express your feelings and thoughts, I have so much hope for the person. I often more hope for others than I have had for myself. When I recognize that, I am able to have more hope for myself. So I thank you for coming to SR for help. I have hope for you to feel very good one day. Then I feel hope that I will feel good again too.
Thank you! Chin up!
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