Feeling sad
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Feeling sad
I've been having a bad few days not as bad as I was when my AH first left me but very teary and low. I had a few ok days at the weekend I can't say good days I'm not there yet but they are better. Then I seem to have days where I'm so low and I begin questioning why this has happened and wondering what he's doing how he's feeling and if he thinks about me. I know that is no good and a waste of time and energy but on these days I really miss him. On my ok days he is still constantly on my mind but I seem to be able to put him out of it but not on the days where I'm feeling low. I still feel the emptiness and hurt constantly and he's planning on going on holiday with his friends he told my daughter he needs a break! and that has upset me as before he left we were planning a holiday this summer!! It's like a kick in the teeth he's going on holiday, he's buying a brand new place in a nice area and I'm still stuck in this not great area. Again this was out plan move to a nice house in a nice area. It seems he's moving on with our shared dreams and I'm stuck where I am
I haven't had face to face contact with him in nearly a month and text messages is now restricted to the kids only. It hurts that he's abided by this so easily and not fighting for our marriage he just seems to have given up one of his last text messages he told me at times he thinks there is nothing to change as this is who he is!!
On the days i feel low I wish he would come round and tell me he's made a mistake and this time he will seek help I know this is a fantasy if he was going to do this he would have rather than walk out!!
I have been reading other posts on SR that grief comes in waves I just feel I am drowning!!
I haven't had face to face contact with him in nearly a month and text messages is now restricted to the kids only. It hurts that he's abided by this so easily and not fighting for our marriage he just seems to have given up one of his last text messages he told me at times he thinks there is nothing to change as this is who he is!!
On the days i feel low I wish he would come round and tell me he's made a mistake and this time he will seek help I know this is a fantasy if he was going to do this he would have rather than walk out!!
I have been reading other posts on SR that grief comes in waves I just feel I am drowning!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Aww. (((hug))) This too shall pass.
His life is not the rosy perfect little story he is telling you. He is an addict. He is in prison. He may have more money than you do, but he is in spiritual bondage.
I understand your feelings, I had a lot of anger at my Ex when I tried to move on. We had plans. He abandoned me and our plans. It all worked out in the end, and it was just a passing emotion - part of the healing. It actually made me more determined to live well. (After I had my pity party) You're entitled.
I hope you are building a new life for yourself and doing things you love - whether it's baking cookies or going to the local lake or river, enjoy the summer while it's here. (It is summer in the UK, isn't it?)
Move forward and find your joy. You still have it. We are with you in spirit.
His life is not the rosy perfect little story he is telling you. He is an addict. He is in prison. He may have more money than you do, but he is in spiritual bondage.
I understand your feelings, I had a lot of anger at my Ex when I tried to move on. We had plans. He abandoned me and our plans. It all worked out in the end, and it was just a passing emotion - part of the healing. It actually made me more determined to live well. (After I had my pity party) You're entitled.
I hope you are building a new life for yourself and doing things you love - whether it's baking cookies or going to the local lake or river, enjoy the summer while it's here. (It is summer in the UK, isn't it?)
Move forward and find your joy. You still have it. We are with you in spirit.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Yes it's the summer though not that you would think it with the weather it's been raining all day 
.
Thank you just feeling so lost and exhausted with battling everyday I've lost some motivation that I had.
. Thank you just feeling so lost and exhausted with battling everyday I've lost some motivation that I had.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry it's been rough. It's a part of the grief you go through. Know that it won't last forever and it will pass eventually.
It's very sad when someone you care about does not have fight in them. Addiction robs that away.
Tight Hugs.
It's very sad when someone you care about does not have fight in them. Addiction robs that away.
Tight Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I can't remember if you have filed for divorce yet? He needs to be held accountable by the system. He owes you support. No reason he should get to buy a new nicer place and you have to struggle. If you haven't started the process, I'd ask why not? The sooner this is begun, the sooner you will get financial support from him.
Find your power. Give yourself some hope.
Find your power. Give yourself some hope.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
I remember one day after my AH left me, I was standing in my kitchen making lunch for my kids. I spun around towards the stove because I was sure the grilled cheese sandwiches I was making were burning. Turned out I had already plated and sliced them and they were ready to be served. My thoughts were 100% preoccupied with AH, 24/7. And I didn't know how to make it better. It was a painful, awful way to exist. Even when I appeared happy on the outside, I was still mourning on the inside.
It wasn't until years later, literally, that I started to let go of the pain of being left by AH. Sadly, what finally made me feel better was seeing his life start to crumble into bits and pieces...it took finding out that HE wasn't as happy in his new life as he had always appeared to be.
The sad, sad thing about that is that I needed his misery to make me happy. I didn't understand that I had it totally backwards. I should have been out there finding my own happiness and healing during that time, but I had no idea that was the case, let alone how important it was to my well being.
Many years later I fell in love with another alcoholic. That relationship was a roller coaster, too. (Shocker, I know.) After one of our breakups, I slipped into a miserably deep depression. Couldn't get out of bed some days, couldn't think of anything but him and how happy he must be with his new girlfriend (an alcoholic herself), could NOT shake him from my thoughts. I knew I needed help, but I couldn't do it for myself. I sought out therapy and finally, things started to click.
My counselor forced me to do some hard work. What it finally boiled down to was learning that I was seeking a man who was just like my alcoholic father who left us when I was very young. My subconscious was looking for healing...if I could find a man just like my dad who would love me and NOT leave me, then I would be healed. Learning this was a key to unlocking doors that finally allowed me to start healing.
I finally understood that the abandonment by the men in my life (who should have been there for me because that's what good fathers and husbands and boyfriends are supposed to do, right?) didn't have a freaking thing to do with me. They were alcoholics suffering from their own self-loathing. They didn't love themselves enough to truly give of themselves to me in the way I deserved because they just didn't know how. They all loved me, just not more than their addictions.
There is a huge gift in healing yourself. I mean digging deep to find out why one's sense of happiness is dependent on someone else. Grieving is hard, painful, and normal. Learning to understand grief, however, is only part of the healing process.
I still grieve my xabf. There are triggers, especially in the summer. We had genuinely happy times in the summer together when he was in recovery. We had season tickets to our local baseball team's games, we golfed together, we cooked together outdoors almost every day. All of those things make me miss him right now. Some songs still bring tears to my eyes.
But, the really beautiful thing is that I am genuinely happy now. Seriously, genuinely happy, because I dug deep and learned what was making me seek out happiness through others rather than finding it within myself. I am single but not lonely. I welcome the idea of a healthy man/healthy relationship in my life, but I'm not counting on it for happiness. If it happens, woo hoo! If not, I'm at peace. I can't even tell you how freeing that is. It's the best.
You have my support and encouragement, Confused. You will get there. It may (will) take time, and maybe even more lessons learned the hard way along the way. At least it did for me.
Your AH will live his alcoholic life in spite of what you're thinking or feeling or how badly your hurting. That sucks, it hurts, I know. But that is what alcoholics do, and it has not one stinking thing to do with you. The only person you have power over is you. Time to take your power back, and find your happiness...not wait for him to find his misery. Big hugs and encouragement to you.
It wasn't until years later, literally, that I started to let go of the pain of being left by AH. Sadly, what finally made me feel better was seeing his life start to crumble into bits and pieces...it took finding out that HE wasn't as happy in his new life as he had always appeared to be.
The sad, sad thing about that is that I needed his misery to make me happy. I didn't understand that I had it totally backwards. I should have been out there finding my own happiness and healing during that time, but I had no idea that was the case, let alone how important it was to my well being.
Many years later I fell in love with another alcoholic. That relationship was a roller coaster, too. (Shocker, I know.) After one of our breakups, I slipped into a miserably deep depression. Couldn't get out of bed some days, couldn't think of anything but him and how happy he must be with his new girlfriend (an alcoholic herself), could NOT shake him from my thoughts. I knew I needed help, but I couldn't do it for myself. I sought out therapy and finally, things started to click.
My counselor forced me to do some hard work. What it finally boiled down to was learning that I was seeking a man who was just like my alcoholic father who left us when I was very young. My subconscious was looking for healing...if I could find a man just like my dad who would love me and NOT leave me, then I would be healed. Learning this was a key to unlocking doors that finally allowed me to start healing.
I finally understood that the abandonment by the men in my life (who should have been there for me because that's what good fathers and husbands and boyfriends are supposed to do, right?) didn't have a freaking thing to do with me. They were alcoholics suffering from their own self-loathing. They didn't love themselves enough to truly give of themselves to me in the way I deserved because they just didn't know how. They all loved me, just not more than their addictions.
There is a huge gift in healing yourself. I mean digging deep to find out why one's sense of happiness is dependent on someone else. Grieving is hard, painful, and normal. Learning to understand grief, however, is only part of the healing process.
I still grieve my xabf. There are triggers, especially in the summer. We had genuinely happy times in the summer together when he was in recovery. We had season tickets to our local baseball team's games, we golfed together, we cooked together outdoors almost every day. All of those things make me miss him right now. Some songs still bring tears to my eyes.
But, the really beautiful thing is that I am genuinely happy now. Seriously, genuinely happy, because I dug deep and learned what was making me seek out happiness through others rather than finding it within myself. I am single but not lonely. I welcome the idea of a healthy man/healthy relationship in my life, but I'm not counting on it for happiness. If it happens, woo hoo! If not, I'm at peace. I can't even tell you how freeing that is. It's the best.
You have my support and encouragement, Confused. You will get there. It may (will) take time, and maybe even more lessons learned the hard way along the way. At least it did for me.
Your AH will live his alcoholic life in spite of what you're thinking or feeling or how badly your hurting. That sucks, it hurts, I know. But that is what alcoholics do, and it has not one stinking thing to do with you. The only person you have power over is you. Time to take your power back, and find your happiness...not wait for him to find his misery. Big hugs and encouragement to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Does he think about you?
IMHO, if you're not a brown bottle, or a rocks glass filled with ice, the answer is a big fat hell NO, they don't need to dwell on us, they are with their love, they have all their selfish asses need.
They can justify anything in their head, their minds are being controlled by a drug, not logic
IMHO, if you're not a brown bottle, or a rocks glass filled with ice, the answer is a big fat hell NO, they don't need to dwell on us, they are with their love, they have all their selfish asses need.
They can justify anything in their head, their minds are being controlled by a drug, not logic
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you for your replies.
I haven't thought about a divorce yet and I can't even contemplate it at the minute.
Martina I have the book but haven't started reading it yet I'm still reading how to stop being addicted to a person.
I wish things could be so different and I really miss him I almost caved with the no contact but didn't as I realised I would just end up upset when he couldn't give me the answers I want and when he left.
I'm due to return to work on Monday as I was having a good week last week I thought I was ready now I'm not so sure. The tears just won't stop this week.
I haven't thought about a divorce yet and I can't even contemplate it at the minute.
Martina I have the book but haven't started reading it yet I'm still reading how to stop being addicted to a person.
I wish things could be so different and I really miss him I almost caved with the no contact but didn't as I realised I would just end up upset when he couldn't give me the answers I want and when he left.
I'm due to return to work on Monday as I was having a good week last week I thought I was ready now I'm not so sure. The tears just won't stop this week.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Confused, so many of your posts remind me of my own. I remember when I was healing from my breakup with xabf, I would look at the full moon and have a fire going (this was one long lonely winter a year ago) and I would think why isn't he here to share these things with me? Thing is he probably would have been passed out anyway. I got thru those nights and you will too. Keep reading and posting. You are still early in your recovery. The good days will be more and the bad days will be less and less. You get stronger each day.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
Confused we are all in this..lets read 'Letting Go' together?
Let me know your thoughts...Im really encouraging you!
Todays Daily Meditation is "I will remember that acceptance, gratitude and detachment are a good place to begin"
Martinax
Let me know your thoughts...Im really encouraging you!
Todays Daily Meditation is "I will remember that acceptance, gratitude and detachment are a good place to begin"
Martinax
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by suncatcher 
Confused, so many of your posts remind me of my own. I remember when I was healing from my breakup with xabf, I would look at the full moon and have a fire going (this was one long lonely winter a year ago) and I would think why isn't he here to share these things with me? Thing is he probably would have been passed out anyway. I got thru those nights and you will too. Keep reading and posting. You are still early in your recovery. The good days will be more and the bad days will be less and less. You get stronger each day.
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