He has left me and children
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 48
He has left me and children
Hi
I`m from Germany and my English isn´t like yours perhaps, but I did not found the kind of information about alcoholics like on American pages, so thats the reason I am here now.
My husband left me and the children for about 2 months now and in the end he blamed me for his drinking patterns, or- for me- his addiction.
It began 5 years ago when our son was born and we had much stress and sorrows for different reasons...
He started with two beers in the evening and ended up by four beers AND a half bottle Jägermeister or Martini or vodka, one bottle of wine was nothing for him...
He needed more and more, he began to drink almost ever day in a cubby of our flat about five o`clock in the afternoon and stopped in the night at 2.00.
Sometimes he slept their siiting down, his head on his chest, spit ran out of his mouth...
I went for help...and found the wrong lady.
She believed that I AM THE REASON for his drinking and that because he does not love me and can`t move away...
Bam!!!!
It hurts!!!
So we went to couple therapy for one time and then my husband didn`t want it anymore...
Once the Playschool of my son noticed his smell of alcohol (of my husband!!!) and informed the child protective service...
My husband swore he would limit his alcohol drinking on the weekend, but this promise held two weeks....than he began again to buy alcohol in the afternoon....
We struggled and in the end he shouted he would not love me and he would want seperation.
I made so many mistakes, begged, told him I would love him....
He also blamed me I would be the reason for his addiction, and if he had left me before, he would never started drinking...
It hurts so much...
He even spitted on me and hit me...
He went of the house with a smile on his lips like a winner...
Like he would say me:" Look, now I`m happy, I`m so glad to be without you..."
It hurts so much, be blamed of him, of the therapist,....
He also said: "Now I also want another woman!!!"
As I said then: "Let`s go for divorce he ment:"No, I don`t want that now...I want to give you a very last chance...."!!!
Say me, what is going on with him???
Sad greetings ...
Sara
I`m from Germany and my English isn´t like yours perhaps, but I did not found the kind of information about alcoholics like on American pages, so thats the reason I am here now.
My husband left me and the children for about 2 months now and in the end he blamed me for his drinking patterns, or- for me- his addiction.
It began 5 years ago when our son was born and we had much stress and sorrows for different reasons...
He started with two beers in the evening and ended up by four beers AND a half bottle Jägermeister or Martini or vodka, one bottle of wine was nothing for him...
He needed more and more, he began to drink almost ever day in a cubby of our flat about five o`clock in the afternoon and stopped in the night at 2.00.
Sometimes he slept their siiting down, his head on his chest, spit ran out of his mouth...
I went for help...and found the wrong lady.
She believed that I AM THE REASON for his drinking and that because he does not love me and can`t move away...
Bam!!!!
It hurts!!!
So we went to couple therapy for one time and then my husband didn`t want it anymore...
Once the Playschool of my son noticed his smell of alcohol (of my husband!!!) and informed the child protective service...
My husband swore he would limit his alcohol drinking on the weekend, but this promise held two weeks....than he began again to buy alcohol in the afternoon....
We struggled and in the end he shouted he would not love me and he would want seperation.
I made so many mistakes, begged, told him I would love him....
He also blamed me I would be the reason for his addiction, and if he had left me before, he would never started drinking...
It hurts so much...
He even spitted on me and hit me...
He went of the house with a smile on his lips like a winner...
Like he would say me:" Look, now I`m happy, I`m so glad to be without you..."
It hurts so much, be blamed of him, of the therapist,....
He also said: "Now I also want another woman!!!"
As I said then: "Let`s go for divorce he ment:"No, I don`t want that now...I want to give you a very last chance...."!!!
Say me, what is going on with him???
Sad greetings ...
Sara
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
I am SO sorry you are going through this. I have been through the same, when he left he acted like it was his choice and he was proud to go.
Sara, we are all here for you. Its so hard, what you are going through, but I promise it will get better. You deserve so so much better than being hit and spit on. I lived through that too, and its so humiliating, such a horrible, awful thing to experience. You deserve to be cherished, not damaged. It sounds like he is just like my ex, and so many other people's exes on this site.
They always blame us, but its NOT us, its NOT YOU, its NOT your fault. He is playing games with your heart and heada, and honey, you deserve so much better than that.
Take some time to read through this site, it is full of great info. Take things slow, take a big breath, things are going to get better for you, now. Hugs.
Sara, we are all here for you. Its so hard, what you are going through, but I promise it will get better. You deserve so so much better than being hit and spit on. I lived through that too, and its so humiliating, such a horrible, awful thing to experience. You deserve to be cherished, not damaged. It sounds like he is just like my ex, and so many other people's exes on this site.
They always blame us, but its NOT us, its NOT YOU, its NOT your fault. He is playing games with your heart and heada, and honey, you deserve so much better than that.
Take some time to read through this site, it is full of great info. Take things slow, take a big breath, things are going to get better for you, now. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Sara,
It is not your fault. He is an adult who made his own choices. He chooses to drink, and there is nothing you can do to stop him, he mist choose to stop. No one deserves to be abused. It is common for an alcoholic to blame others for their problems, do not believe it. Please make your children your first priority and continue to educate yourself about alcoholism and abuse. Please read the permanent posts at the top of the page we call them 'stickies', the book co-dependent no more is also quite helpful. This forum has been very helpful to me, read as much as you can here, especially old posts. Take care of yourself.
It is not your fault. He is an adult who made his own choices. He chooses to drink, and there is nothing you can do to stop him, he mist choose to stop. No one deserves to be abused. It is common for an alcoholic to blame others for their problems, do not believe it. Please make your children your first priority and continue to educate yourself about alcoholism and abuse. Please read the permanent posts at the top of the page we call them 'stickies', the book co-dependent no more is also quite helpful. This forum has been very helpful to me, read as much as you can here, especially old posts. Take care of yourself.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Sara, Welcome to SoberRecovery!
Wow! I'm sorry for the reasons you had to come looking for a site like this, but I'm glad you were able to find us
Your English is just fine. I hope you will be able to understand us!
One thing I hope you are learning from the posts so far...you have absolutely no responsibility for your husband's drinking and his mean and irresponsible behavior. I hope that you and your children can get support in real life where you live in Germany.
Please come here and post or ask questions as many times as you need.
Wow! I'm sorry for the reasons you had to come looking for a site like this, but I'm glad you were able to find us
Your English is just fine. I hope you will be able to understand us!
One thing I hope you are learning from the posts so far...you have absolutely no responsibility for your husband's drinking and his mean and irresponsible behavior. I hope that you and your children can get support in real life where you live in Germany.
Please come here and post or ask questions as many times as you need.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Europe
Posts: 47
Welcome Sara, I know exactly what you mean that there is'nt enough information regarding our problem in Europe. This is the site for you
Like my friends above have said, take a deep breath and just educate yourself. You will see you are not alone. Feel free to ask questions, tell us your thoughts...There are many special people here that will surely help you understand your situation.
Like my friends above have said, take a deep breath and just educate yourself. You will see you are not alone. Feel free to ask questions, tell us your thoughts...There are many special people here that will surely help you understand your situation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Welcome! I'm so sorry you are going through this. Everyone's advice is sound- read, read, read, learn, learn, learn.
For me it helped to read some others' stories as well. We are here for you!
One note of experience- my husband "left" and lived in an apartment "because of me", because everything was my fault, but didn't want a divorce. It made my head spin. But in the quiet (and PEACE) when he was gone, I was able to think clearly for the first time in years. That time, though horrendously painful, was a gift. I hope you can use this awful gift to read, learn, and think about the future you want for yourself and your son. Educate yourself and your path will become clear.
I know this is horrible for you. If you ever feel lonely and post here, someone is almost always listening...or will be shortly. Reach out if you feel alone, because I guarantee you, you are NOT alone.
Sending hugs and prayers.
For me it helped to read some others' stories as well. We are here for you!
One note of experience- my husband "left" and lived in an apartment "because of me", because everything was my fault, but didn't want a divorce. It made my head spin. But in the quiet (and PEACE) when he was gone, I was able to think clearly for the first time in years. That time, though horrendously painful, was a gift. I hope you can use this awful gift to read, learn, and think about the future you want for yourself and your son. Educate yourself and your path will become clear.
I know this is horrible for you. If you ever feel lonely and post here, someone is almost always listening...or will be shortly. Reach out if you feel alone, because I guarantee you, you are NOT alone.
Sending hugs and prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 48
Thank you all very, very much.
I like to write in English , last night I even prayed in English words
My ex has asked my doughter if I have already a new partner...
So! Whats the point of that?
Does he really think I would take him back anytime??
Or why does he play such games???
My son (6 years) always says: Mommy if you would take dad back, he will kill you some day
Thats hard.
But my children have seen how he spitted on me and hit me....
,,,
It`s so hard because of his other (kind) side...where is it gone???
Thank you so much!
I like to write in English , last night I even prayed in English words
My ex has asked my doughter if I have already a new partner...
So! Whats the point of that?
Does he really think I would take him back anytime??
Or why does he play such games???
My son (6 years) always says: Mommy if you would take dad back, he will kill you some day
Thats hard.
But my children have seen how he spitted on me and hit me....
,,,
It`s so hard because of his other (kind) side...where is it gone???
Thank you so much!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, Sara! I'm so sorry he has hit you!! No one deserves to be abused.
I don't know much about Domestic Violence Resources in Germany, but I found this--which might be helpful.
BIG Hotline: 030.611 03 00
The BIG hotline is operated in close collaboration
with the following women’s advice centres and
intervention agencies: Frauentreffpunkt, Frauenraum,
Tara, Bora and Interkulturelle Initiative
I don't know much about Domestic Violence Resources in Germany, but I found this--which might be helpful.
BIG Hotline: 030.611 03 00
The BIG hotline is operated in close collaboration
with the following women’s advice centres and
intervention agencies: Frauentreffpunkt, Frauenraum,
Tara, Bora and Interkulturelle Initiative
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Listen to your children. They love you unconditionally. They clearly don't blame you, in fact they sound scared of him. Please think hard before ever letting him back into your life. If you do, you are telling your children that it is ok to be hit and spat on. Keep him away, for them.
Now for you, you are a very intelligent woman with a great future. I could not express myself in a second language! So, although it feels awful and dark and lonely now, it will get so much better without someone who makes you feel bad about yourself and who makes you beg for him to stay when it is ALL HIS FAULT. Focus on your kids instead. They love you and until you're feeling normal again, keeping them your focus can help you get through.
We are all here for you too. Life gets better now the alcohol is out of your home.
Xxx
Now for you, you are a very intelligent woman with a great future. I could not express myself in a second language! So, although it feels awful and dark and lonely now, it will get so much better without someone who makes you feel bad about yourself and who makes you beg for him to stay when it is ALL HIS FAULT. Focus on your kids instead. They love you and until you're feeling normal again, keeping them your focus can help you get through.
We are all here for you too. Life gets better now the alcohol is out of your home.
Xxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Your children are lucky to have a great mom like you who won't let them grow up with a dad who drinks too much, hits and hurts their mom.
Alcoholics are excellent manipulators and it's not uncommon for them to fool therapists and I'm so,sorry you saw a therapist who blamed you for his behavior
It's obvious your children's preschool teacher sees things clearly and if child protective services got involved they see his drinking and harmful behvaior clearly too.
It's really awful for him to be asking your children for information about you and it's not his business what you're doing or not since he left and I assume you're getting divorced?
Glad you found this site and please please don't blame yourself!
Alcoholics are excellent manipulators and it's not uncommon for them to fool therapists and I'm so,sorry you saw a therapist who blamed you for his behavior
It's obvious your children's preschool teacher sees things clearly and if child protective services got involved they see his drinking and harmful behvaior clearly too.
It's really awful for him to be asking your children for information about you and it's not his business what you're doing or not since he left and I assume you're getting divorced?
Glad you found this site and please please don't blame yourself!
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
IamFreeNow14, Herzlich willkommen in SR. Lassen Sie ihn bitte nicht Sie lassen sich schuldig fühlen, weil er ein Alkoholiker ist. Ja, eilen Sie bitte hier ebenso häufig dahin, wie Sie mögen. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
IamFreeNow14, I understood everything you wrote. Please stay safe. I don't know how laws work for your country, but please reach out to whom ever is the proper authority.
And stick around, lots of good information here.
I have no idea what you wrote, but that is just plain awesome!
And stick around, lots of good information here.
Originally Posted by neferkamichael 
IamFreeNow14, Herzlich willkommen in SR. Lassen Sie ihn bitte nicht Sie lassen sich schuldig fühlen, weil er ein Alkoholiker ist. Ja, eilen Sie bitte hier ebenso häufig dahin, wie Sie mögen.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Sara,
I lived half my life in Europe. In the 70s, this thing started where nobody was ever responsible for their own actions; everything was society's fault or a structural problem and everything could be solved with changing society or sending people to counseling. Criminals, addicts, whatever. Your story is not the first one I've run across in Europe where spouses or parents of addicts are told that "you must be doing something wrong if your husband/child is drinking." That, my friend, is what we on the other side of the pond here refer to as bullsh*t.
Someone else here posted this picture of the difference between a normal brain and the brain of an alcoholic. See all those dark spots? Do any of them look like you? No? I didn't think so. If you don't see your face in that brain scan, then you are not the cause of your husband's drinking.
It's difficult to have someone tell you that YOU are the cause of their problems. Rest assured that you are NOT. I can tell you from experience though that his drinking probably has caused you lots of problems. Probably more problems than you are even aware of.
Here is a link to Al-Anon services in Germany: Al-Anon Familiengruppen - Alateen: Startseite
There, you will find people in Germany who have been through what you have been through. I only see a contact listed in Essen, but my German is rusty enough that I can't tell if you can contact them to find local meetings or not? Might be worth a phone call!
Al-Anon is for YOU. It's similar to this place, in that you'll meet people whose lives have been affected by a loved one's drinking. There's no judgment, no "musts", nobody who will tell you what to do -- but people who will share their stories, listen to yours, and tell you what has helped them. They've saved my sanity over the years.
And I hope you keep coming back here as well. There is a lot of knowledge on these pages. And hey, even someone who can write German!
I lived half my life in Europe. In the 70s, this thing started where nobody was ever responsible for their own actions; everything was society's fault or a structural problem and everything could be solved with changing society or sending people to counseling. Criminals, addicts, whatever. Your story is not the first one I've run across in Europe where spouses or parents of addicts are told that "you must be doing something wrong if your husband/child is drinking." That, my friend, is what we on the other side of the pond here refer to as bullsh*t.
Someone else here posted this picture of the difference between a normal brain and the brain of an alcoholic. See all those dark spots? Do any of them look like you? No? I didn't think so. If you don't see your face in that brain scan, then you are not the cause of your husband's drinking.
It's difficult to have someone tell you that YOU are the cause of their problems. Rest assured that you are NOT. I can tell you from experience though that his drinking probably has caused you lots of problems. Probably more problems than you are even aware of.
Here is a link to Al-Anon services in Germany: Al-Anon Familiengruppen - Alateen: Startseite
There, you will find people in Germany who have been through what you have been through. I only see a contact listed in Essen, but my German is rusty enough that I can't tell if you can contact them to find local meetings or not? Might be worth a phone call!
Al-Anon is for YOU. It's similar to this place, in that you'll meet people whose lives have been affected by a loved one's drinking. There's no judgment, no "musts", nobody who will tell you what to do -- but people who will share their stories, listen to yours, and tell you what has helped them. They've saved my sanity over the years.
And I hope you keep coming back here as well. There is a lot of knowledge on these pages. And hey, even someone who can write German!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
IamFreeNow: I am always so impressed with Europeans' ability to speak English.
Let me introduce you to a new English word: QUACKING. It's the sound a duck makes, but it's also the the word we use for the excuses alcoholics make for their drinking. Here are some examples of quacking:
'You're the reason I drink'
'I would stop if I was away from you'
'I don't have a problem, you're the one with the problem'
'You must be crazy to think I'm an alcoholic'
And I'm sure you have lots of other examples of quacking provided by your husband.
He won't be capable of a normal relationship unless he recovers from alcoholism, and that can take years of hard work and commitment. Apart from that he has been abusive to you. You need to protect yourself and your children. That's your first job.
He may stop drinking one day, but you can't force him to do that, or control him. Look after your family and let him look after himself.
Let me introduce you to a new English word: QUACKING. It's the sound a duck makes, but it's also the the word we use for the excuses alcoholics make for their drinking. Here are some examples of quacking:
'You're the reason I drink'
'I would stop if I was away from you'
'I don't have a problem, you're the one with the problem'
'You must be crazy to think I'm an alcoholic'
And I'm sure you have lots of other examples of quacking provided by your husband.
He won't be capable of a normal relationship unless he recovers from alcoholism, and that can take years of hard work and commitment. Apart from that he has been abusive to you. You need to protect yourself and your children. That's your first job.
He may stop drinking one day, but you can't force him to do that, or control him. Look after your family and let him look after himself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 48
Thanks so much !!! You are all so nice, kind, cute!
It helps me so much, you just can`t imagine...
Although everything what has happened........I can`t imagine to get divorced...
I don`t know why, but to think of this......makes me feel sinking in a ocean.
I feel so helpless, worthless....always the question in my head: Why does he not love me anymore??
He says it began with my Post-Partum-Depression....
Back then he said..."Every other men would leave you with this **** illness.....look here:
I stay!!!"
But years later he told me that the illness was the reason for loose the feelings for me....
and that it was also the reason for start with drinking...bla,bla....
The sentence "everyone else would just leave you with PPD is most hard for me..."
What did I do for it? It was not my blame when I got this disease...
...Thanks for you being there....
It helps me so much, you just can`t imagine...
Although everything what has happened........I can`t imagine to get divorced...
I don`t know why, but to think of this......makes me feel sinking in a ocean.
I feel so helpless, worthless....always the question in my head: Why does he not love me anymore??
He says it began with my Post-Partum-Depression....
Back then he said..."Every other men would leave you with this **** illness.....look here:
I stay!!!"
But years later he told me that the illness was the reason for loose the feelings for me....
and that it was also the reason for start with drinking...bla,bla....
The sentence "everyone else would just leave you with PPD is most hard for me..."
What did I do for it? It was not my blame when I got this disease...
...Thanks for you being there....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by IamFreeNow14
I feel so helpless, worthless....always the question in my head: Why does he not love me anymore??
He says it began with my Post-Partum-Depression....
Back then he said..."Every other men would leave you with this **** illness.....look here:
I stay!!!"
But years later he told me that the illness was the reason for loose the feelings for me....
and that it was also the reason for start with drinking...bla,bla....
He says it began with my Post-Partum-Depression....
Back then he said..."Every other men would leave you with this **** illness.....look here:
I stay!!!"
But years later he told me that the illness was the reason for loose the feelings for me....
and that it was also the reason for start with drinking...bla,bla....
The bit about him causing your drinking is called QUACKING.
It sounds like he has been putting you down for so long your self-esteem has suffered. Alcoholics don't love anyone that gets between them and their bottle. Your husband wants to be able to drink as much as he can and that's much easier on his own.
You don't have to decide about divorce yet; learn to live in peace without him. You will become much more confident on your own.
It would be a good idea to see a lawyer about money and the children. If your husband abuses you, or hits you, please write down all the details and call the police. Physical violence is against the law and should never be excused.
Best wishes.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Sara,
I'm so sorry you have had to endure those horrible, mean, abusive words coming from the man who is supposed to love you. You do not deserve any of it, and nothing he said is true!
Please take good care of yourself and that precious baby!
I'm so sorry you have had to endure those horrible, mean, abusive words coming from the man who is supposed to love you. You do not deserve any of it, and nothing he said is true!
Please take good care of yourself and that precious baby!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Welcome Sara!
Eventually it will be your children fearing for their lives too. He is a drunk and it has moved to domestic violence. Please please protect yourself and your children. You are not the cause of any of it. He is. Please see that and stay safe.
God Bless you and your children!
Eventually it will be your children fearing for their lives too. He is a drunk and it has moved to domestic violence. Please please protect yourself and your children. You are not the cause of any of it. He is. Please see that and stay safe.
God Bless you and your children!
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