spiderqueen

My advice is to stop listening to his words. And watch what he does. Does he keep promising that it will get better, that he has it under control, that rehabs and AA meetings are full of idiots - or does he grab hold of every possible life line, and work his a** off staying sober. I would give it at least 6 months to a year of standing waaaay back on the sidelines (not holding your breath) and see what he DOES. Do not move in with him, drive him to meetings, or get engaged - just live your life, and check in with him once in a while. More will be revealed.

Take care, Carmen. We really do understand. And you are brave and smart to come looking for information and support.

carmen220

Thank you everyone for the help. It's really been eye opening and given me a lot to think about.

atalose

Has he even asked for your help with his drinking problem?

You set a healthy boundary for yourself by telling him you no longer wish to be around him when he drinks, which you say is everyday. If he does not seek help and get sober then he's rejected you for the bottle. That's extremely hard to accept, very painful. Often we hold onto their empty words because dealing with that kind of hurt and rejection is just to painful.

Valentines day was 5 days ago and he says he went to a meeting but still can't meet with you because he's still drinking. That's not what someone who wants to stop drinking with all their heart, looks like.

carmen220

Actually, his history has been the "empty words"; Once I said, "please tell me the truth. Do you love the drink so much that you want to continue or do you want to stop. I just deserve to know where you stand on this." His answer, "yes. I want to stop", "I will stop for you and us", "let me do it my way", "I'm working on it", "stop bringing it up and know that I'm working on it". Despite those words, the last time I saw him, he was drunk by 7pm. On another day, he was drunk on the phone (again by 7pm). Seems totally sober by day, but he has tolerance and it takes all day to see the effect by night.

I'm worried for him and for me. It hurts me to see and know that he's hurting himself. I miss him but don't want to enable him by being with him when he drinks (which is everyday).

Since Vday, he's texted me, mostly ignoring this subject; wanting to get together. I don't respond to getting together, but I respond to a joke or ask him how his day was.

As for help, I've offered to help him detox, in response to his claim that "he's working on it." I don't know if it's recommended, but should we help them in their attempt to stop if they decide to do so?

CodeJob

Last year I met my H at his MD office. He was in a crisis. They recommended inpatient rehab. I tried to get him to be assessed at one locally but after 2 hours of waiting he demanded to leave. He went home and went cold turkey. That next morning I did buy him some groceries - but then I went to work. He called his MD that day and got something to help. He did white knuckle 30-45 days. I kept telling him he needed to go to AA, a counselor, or back to MD. You could just look at him and see the struggle. As you may know, A's don't really listen even when you are talking SENSE. I also told him I was done with the drinking. No more drinking at home. So when he relapsed, he hid it. He had never hidden his drinking before, so he knew my new boundary ability was serious! He was pretty crazy though and it was evident. I kicked him out.

He was very mean and crazy then. A lot of wild accusations - 'take my name off the mortgage', etc. Anyway, someone else got him an appointment to get assessed and he let me meet him there. He did get into an inpatient rehab out of state. I just supported him at that meeting by showing up. I did not participate. I did go to family programming at the rehab. Family Program was very helpful to ME. It was really something to see H calm and sober.

He is sober (10 months approx) but his recovery is early still. He has a lot of denial and does not want to deal with my feelings about things. He is clearly upset that some of the things I do to detach take me out of the house for extended periods (long runs, traveling to a run, etc.). We fought JUST last night. I apologized. I told him he made a good point. I asked him if he wanted marriage counseling to work through this, and of course he said no. I dropped it. I think he is jealous bc I am out of town for a run this weekend. I am recovering enough that I don't want to bury the past. I want to make a new and better way of communicating and working together, but he wants to ignore what happened.

Life is uncertain. There is no intimacy for a year. But why would you go see an ED specialist? I am so sick of head in the sand approach. I could just box the sand out of his ears. So this is the state of things at year 20. An immature man trying to grow up and finally meet life on life's terms without numbing himself. He's afraid. I'm in his corner, but eventually that means he has to be in my corner too.

Peace Carmen.

atalose

You are holding onto the words: "yes I want to stop". " I will stop for you, for us".

Reality is, he can't stop for you or anyone else, he can only stop when HE choses to stop.
And right now he's not choosing that and he may never chose that.

Always remember.....

Don't talk, just act.
Don't say, just show.
Don't promise, just prove.

ladyscribbler

Why would you think it's your responsibility to do this? What do you think you could really do to "help him in his attempt to stop?" Alcohol detox the job of medical professionals. There are rehabs, AA meetings, addiction therapists and literally hundreds of resources available to him. If he wants to stop, really wants to, and isn't just telling you want you want to hear, then HE will take the necessary steps to make it happen.
Have you been to Alanon? What are you doing so YOU can stop making yourself crazy worrying about HIS problems?
I don't mean to be harsh, but your posts make me think that you don't have a realistic grasp on what alcoholism really means in a relationship.

atalose

Alcohol withdrawal can kill you, withdrawal symptoms can go from moderate to life threatening quickly and without warning. It is not something you are equipped to do even if he chose to try.

carmen220

No. I don't think I understand the reality. I'm trying to. It's hard. We're talking about people with individual personalities. Everyone is different, but when you add alcohol, it seems to be a loss cause forever.

Tonight, we spoke for the first time since vday. He was very sweet. Said that he has been cutting way back and that he is making a promise to not drink around me again. I always tend to be pulled back in. He says that he loves me so much. I don't know what to think.

I worry about EVERYTHING you guys have told me on here. I just don't know how to handle this. I just always want everything to be okay. So, for my own stress, I try to not want to make more waves and accept his effort, but I am now worried about the future. I feel stuck in a situation that can't move forward. I love him and don't want to hurt him, but where can we go with this. I'm so confused.

FlippedRHalo

You should be worried about the future, because from what I'm reading, it doesn't look good with him.

Please, if you do anything, listen to what everyone is telling you about his actions vs. his words. That was my fatal mistake. I believed the words hook, line and sinker. Every. Single. Time. His actions would match his words for a very short time and then poof... we were right back to where we started in no time.

If you want to witness your very soul be murdered, stick around. Many of us have stayed because of the guilt, because we loved them so much and because we swore that our situation would be different.

The people may be different, but life with an alcoholic is pretty much the same. It's unbearable pain, it's relentless and it only gets worse.

I'm only saying all of this because I was exactly where you are. I'm not far past where you are now, but eventually, after enough hell of trying to help and being burned over and over again, you give up hope. And that moment is a moment you'll never forget.

You'll never change him. Your love will never be enough to fight his love of alcohol. It just won't. You can fight it and rail against it for as long as you want, but you won't win this battle. I wish I could say different, but you won't. You'll eventually crawl off the battle field broken, bloody and permanently scarred, but I promise, you will not win.

Only he can save himself, and I'm so sorry, but it really doesn't sound like he's ready for that. It's a harsh reality to accept, I know. It's brutal and bitter, but it is what it is and you can't change it.

Love doesn't stop addiction. If it did, none of us would be here and this forum would be unnecessary.

I wish you strength and clarity.

DoubleBarrel

An alcoholic who drinks all day can't cut back.

He's trying to have his cake and eat it too.

This is not even slightly complicated.

You can leave, or you can stay and endure hell, and there is absolutely nothing that you can do to help him.

Everything else is clinging to fantasy and false hope,and he is manipulating his knowledge of the fact that you are easy to reel back in.

He's not going to drink around you? Really? How exactly is that making anything ok?

Please get some help for yourself.im very concerned about you.

BoxinRotz

Carmen,

He's not going to drink around you is so... romantic. I mean who knew picking up liquid was gonna throw your a$$ off a cliff. Girl... he will drink before you even get around him! Count on it!!! He will get up, go to the bathroom and not only take a piddle but top off too! I mean because Hub'z new stash is under my towels. I'm not as dumb as his alcoholic voice makes him believe I am and I found it on accident.

It's a good thing you don't want to change him. Just remember this. Because if you try, you will FAIL!!!

He is not your problem too. You are making a conscience decision to make it your problem. If I could get up on you and shake the sh!t out of you and bring you into reality, I would. I'd also let you see what a drunk looks like after a horrific motorcycle accident. Let you live with images seared into your brain forever because someone you love drank and drank and drank and drank and still thought they could function and Whoa Nelly... Ask yourself... Do I really need all this turmoil in my life? Ask yourself now that you are in your right frame of mind... What if I meet him and he drives me to a fancy restaurant and he plows head first into oncoming traffic and paralyzes me from the neck down? Not him... because most alcoholics survive horrific car accidents with little to no injuries. Could you live with your decision because guess what babe... That alcoholic you so badly want to help will leave you so fast because now, you are worthless to him and in less than a year, he'll be sitting in jail and you'll be in a wheel chair if you haven't succumb to injuries sustained. Think I'm bullshitting you? It's a FACT that immobile people get pneumonia more often than not, especially if your nurse does not move you around.

LEAVE right now. Pack all your emotional baggage because he's going to fool you so good. Oh baby... look, an AA meeting. He's going to talk a good game and in less than 4 weeks, I promise you, you'll be making another thread on how he lied to you. Hurt you because he drank. And you can't take this because you love him soooo much! Why doesn't he love me. We'll leave the lights on for ya.



Him cutting back is not quitting. If he wants to change the dynamics of this relationship with you for the best, he will stop on his own without you butting in and telling him what he should or should not be doing. He's not a dummy. He's lost his will. He will NEVER do it for you or anyone around him. He's got to do it for himself. Until he's ready, you need to leave him alone. MOVE ON! Get out!

You're so worried about hurting him. What about him hurting you? Or how bout this... you hurting yourself because you are... like I said... putting yourself in this to try and help him. You will NEVER, EVER help him. Only he shall help himself, either to thy bottle or to sobriety. You have NOTHING to do with it.

fluffyflea

You've only been with him a year,that's not a long time.

Best to cut your losses and go.

fluffyflea

Borrowing money is typical, they will borrow and borrow and borrow.

Active A's are emotional and financial bottomless pits.

LadyinBC

I know we have overwhelmed you, we just want you to see the reality. Everyone here is concerned for you. It is hard to understand when you haven't lived it like some of the people have here.

I would encourage you to keep posting and to read the stories here in the family forum and it wouldn't hurt to take a look in the recovery forum as well. Knowledge is power and gives you strength.

honeypig

Yes, this ^^^ in spades! We all come here thinking that our situation is different, we really love our A and he really loves us, and that degree of love will change everything--we're not like everyone else here.

As LadyinBC and others have said, do as much reading here as you can. Do not miss the stickies at the top of the page. The more you do this, the more you'll recognize parts of your story in everyone else's story. You'll start to see that the things he says and does, and that you say and do, are of the same pattern as the other stories here. It's no more unique than the symptoms of any other disease are unique. Untreated alcoholism is lies, denial, abuse, financial problems, physical problems and above all, pain.

Why do you want to sign on for a life of this? He is not a child. You are not his mom. He is choosing to drink and that is indeed his choice, like it or not. Someone said in an earlier post that the reason we continue to cling to the words of an A even when his actions repeatedly show them to be untrue is that it is simply too painful for us to accept that he's choosing the bottle. That particular insight really struck me, and I think you ought to give it some serious thought also.

As others have said also, you're only a year into this. Get help for yourself now. Don't wait until you have 5, 10, 20 years of misery and are bound to him by children, a home, debts, etc.

As LadyinBC said, knowledge is power. Get as much as you can.

Edited to add: I was just adding the quote I mentioned above to my "Wisdom of SR" file and came across this one: "Smart people learn from their mistakes. REALLY smart people learn from the mistakes of others." I think that's what everyone here is trying to tell you.

carmen220

Wow guys. I am overwhelmed by all of this. I have so much to think about. When someone loves you that is an alcoholic, do they love as others love, or is their love based on what they think you can do for them? He seems to be a romantic, big into cards and gifts. Other than his alcoholic illness, he really hasn't done anything wrong. So, I don't know how to break off in a way that I can live with myself. How do you tell someone that they have an illness for life and that you hold that against them? How will that make him feel? I know I'm eventually going to have to move away from this, but how can I do it and not be hurtful?

At times, I look at people like George W Bush and Glen Beck and think, they did it and the are good men and their wives stood by them. So, I thought there might be hope.

ChloeRose63

There is always hope. The more you learn about alcoholism and how an alcoholic mind works can only make you wiser and more in tune to what an alcoholic is going through. You maybe the light at the end of the tunnel but only if you shine bright and lead in the right direction. Keep showing the way the best way you can. We are all with you. You are never alone. Believe.

honeypig

Chloe is right, there is always hope. However, the idea is that there is hope FOR YOU, that you can move forward and have the life that you want and deserve. Using "hope" as a reason to remain stuck in a relationship with an active addict who shows no signs of wanting to enter recovery is sheer delusion.

You said in your original post that he feels he has no problem and that you should just ignore it. He lost his job and now drinks all day. You are not allowed to "nag" him about his drinking but are supposed to be quiet and focus on the good things in the relationship. Yet his drinking brings on bouts of anger, inappropriate behavior and poor judgment.

I would think that all of this would be enough to allow you to "break it off in a way that you can live w/yourself." He has shown ZERO concern for you in all this. It is all about the drinking, and if you don't like it, well, that's just too bad. He "can't promise that he won't."

Really, carmen, you do deserve so much more than this.

Sungrl

People breakup everyday Carmen. He will be just fine without you and vice versa. Believe it or not you will be better off in the long run. You seem content with the fact he wont drink around you. I am 90% sure he will be drunk around you. Same diff. You are romanticizing this way to much. Let tammy wynette ( reference showing my age) stand be her man. You run like hell.