Need Advice on my reationship with an A
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by MyBetterWorld 
Alcoholics CAN get better. But I wouldn't bet my life on it if I were you. If you love him, and he loves you, he needs to be in recovery. For a long time. and if he wants to do that you need to stand back, way back, and let him.
If it's meant to be, you will end up together. But please please please, in the meantime, don't subject yourself to the madness.
If it's meant to be, you will end up together. But please please please, in the meantime, don't subject yourself to the madness.
I learned the hard way that nothing I did or said while together with my XA had any lasting effect on him or his drinking. I let go of him over 6 months ago, and offered that if he was sober for at least 6 months and working a program, we could meet and talk.
Although we are in touch, he has not asked to see me. It is clear to both of us that he is nowhere near that goal.
So in the meantime, I am living my life. I hope you do the same. And keep coming back for support for as long as you need it!!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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It's not A.A stuff it;s just a way to have your foot on both sides of the fence.
QUOTE=NorCaliGal;4479804]This may be slightly off-topic, but the "cannot promise me that he won't ever drink again" is something my ABF has said in the past during his sober periods. Is this line some AA stuff? Because yes, I agree that sobriety is a one day at a time effort, but when I hear that someone cannot promise me that he won't ever drink again it is not him being honest and making promises that may not come true - it's the A giving themselves permission to relapse right from the get go IMHO. And that just doesn't make sense to me. Why would you begin a program giving yourself permission to fail? Yes, if it happens then deal with it, but don't give yourself an out right from the start. But hey, I'm a hard *ss.
In any case, to the OP, if he wouldn't stop drinking for just one little day because you asked him to, he's not going to stop drinking. At all. As other said, is this something you're willing to put up with? It sounds like you do not live with this man - good for you! My advice is to not ignore what your gut is telling you, and move on. It's not going to get any better with him, sorry to say.
NCG[/QUOTE]
It's not A.A stuff it;s just a way to have your foot on both sides of the fence.
QUOTE=NorCaliGal;4479804]This may be slightly off-topic, but the "cannot promise me that he won't ever drink again" is something my ABF has said in the past during his sober periods. Is this line some AA stuff? Because yes, I agree that sobriety is a one day at a time effort, but when I hear that someone cannot promise me that he won't ever drink again it is not him being honest and making promises that may not come true - it's the A giving themselves permission to relapse right from the get go IMHO. And that just doesn't make sense to me. Why would you begin a program giving yourself permission to fail? Yes, if it happens then deal with it, but don't give yourself an out right from the start. But hey, I'm a hard *ss.
In any case, to the OP, if he wouldn't stop drinking for just one little day because you asked him to, he's not going to stop drinking. At all. As other said, is this something you're willing to put up with? It sounds like you do not live with this man - good for you! My advice is to not ignore what your gut is telling you, and move on. It's not going to get any better with him, sorry to say.
NCG[/QUOTE]
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
That's the thing with alcoholics/addicts, their feelings are so pushed down and numbed with the substances they can't fully participate in a healthy adult relationship.
The being kind part benefits him, does it not? It keeps hooked to him.
His drinking was well present in his life long before you came around and will remain long after you are gone, if you chose to walk away. You have nothing to feel guilty about, hes a grown man, is he not? He managed to take care of himself prior to you arriving in his life, did he not?
Sometimes it really becomes about US and our hidden issues (codependency) that make us stay in unhealthy relationships. Our issues make us feel guilty, obligated and stuck to people. A false sense of responsibility to others instead of to ourselves.
You'll figure it out and do what's best for you when you are ready. It seems you have allot already figured out and everyone has given you honest realities of alcoholics and how they operate.
It very rarely comes down to them stopping drinking and life all of a sudden becomes great and you get the kind of relationship you wish for and deserve, that the great guy becomes even greater.
He has years and years of issues that need to be addressed if he ever stops drinking. Sometimes they need far more then a 12 step program, years of counseling possibly.
You have invested a year of your life already and it could be years and years before he gets better. Nothing says that if you leave and he happens to find recovery and works extremely hard at it for a long time that yours paths may cross again and you get the opportunity to meet the sober guy (the one you haven't met yet) who knows. But the reality is, this is guy you are involved with and if you can't accept him for exactly who and how he is today, you have no business being in a relationship with him.
The being kind part benefits him, does it not? It keeps hooked to him.
His drinking was well present in his life long before you came around and will remain long after you are gone, if you chose to walk away. You have nothing to feel guilty about, hes a grown man, is he not? He managed to take care of himself prior to you arriving in his life, did he not?
Sometimes it really becomes about US and our hidden issues (codependency) that make us stay in unhealthy relationships. Our issues make us feel guilty, obligated and stuck to people. A false sense of responsibility to others instead of to ourselves.
You'll figure it out and do what's best for you when you are ready. It seems you have allot already figured out and everyone has given you honest realities of alcoholics and how they operate.
It very rarely comes down to them stopping drinking and life all of a sudden becomes great and you get the kind of relationship you wish for and deserve, that the great guy becomes even greater.
He has years and years of issues that need to be addressed if he ever stops drinking. Sometimes they need far more then a 12 step program, years of counseling possibly.
You have invested a year of your life already and it could be years and years before he gets better. Nothing says that if you leave and he happens to find recovery and works extremely hard at it for a long time that yours paths may cross again and you get the opportunity to meet the sober guy (the one you haven't met yet) who knows. But the reality is, this is guy you are involved with and if you can't accept him for exactly who and how he is today, you have no business being in a relationship with him.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
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Originally Posted by carmen220
When he came into my life, I thanked god, because I had been single for awhile and had given up. Does anything good ever come out of these situations?
You settle for someone who will treat you like gold and treasure you. Don't EVER settle for anything less than that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 47
Thanks everyone. Everything I hear sounds so hopeless. Since my relationship, I've learned that so many celebrities have this problem; many are recovered. For example, I think of Glen Beck, Craig Ferguson, Gerard Butler and George W Bush. Apparently they were all alcoholics and recovered and have had successful marriages. I have kind of looked to them as inspiration. I only wish that these men (or others) would write a book on being recovered. Does anyone know of any positive books out there?
I understand that it's recommended to get out of the relationship when you meet an alcoholic. I noticed that same belief in al-anon. It originally sounded so harsh to me. Is it different than other diseases, because they can turn on those they love ? Is that the reason people mostly want to "run"? If so, I can see why people say that.
I understand that it's recommended to get out of the relationship when you meet an alcoholic. I noticed that same belief in al-anon. It originally sounded so harsh to me. Is it different than other diseases, because they can turn on those they love ? Is that the reason people mostly want to "run"? If so, I can see why people say that.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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It's recommended that you be realistic.
While there are some famous people who you have mentioned who have gotten sober, and work some kind of program, your boyfriend has not.
A vanishingly slim percentage of alcoholics achieve any long term sobriety.
It's a millstone around your neck. And you want to go take a swim.
I am a recovering alcoholic, and this is just the beginning of a terrible time for him, and for you, if you stay. His inappropriate behavior will get worse. His aggression towards other men will be matched one day, by someone like myself, and it will end in hospitalization or jail or worse.
His drinking is already all the time, and you don't anticipate him stopping, so it will get worse.
You don't want to have kids with this man, because he cannot be a good father, and children living in an alcoholic home are traumatized and learn all kinds of dysfunctional things.
It's only been a year. Value yourself, and cut ties. He chose alcohol over you already.
While there are some famous people who you have mentioned who have gotten sober, and work some kind of program, your boyfriend has not.
A vanishingly slim percentage of alcoholics achieve any long term sobriety.
It's a millstone around your neck. And you want to go take a swim.
I am a recovering alcoholic, and this is just the beginning of a terrible time for him, and for you, if you stay. His inappropriate behavior will get worse. His aggression towards other men will be matched one day, by someone like myself, and it will end in hospitalization or jail or worse.
His drinking is already all the time, and you don't anticipate him stopping, so it will get worse.
You don't want to have kids with this man, because he cannot be a good father, and children living in an alcoholic home are traumatized and learn all kinds of dysfunctional things.
It's only been a year. Value yourself, and cut ties. He chose alcohol over you already.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by spiderqueen
In my experience, this ^^^^^^ is the only good that can come of life with an active alcoholic.
Can you clarify? thanks.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Carmen, the "^^^" are arrows, pointing up at the quote at the top of her post. It's just a way for her to say that what is in the quote is the only good that can come of life w/an active A.
Does that help?
Does that help?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
You need to stop future trippin on who you think he *can* be sober and possibly comparing him to sober celebrities and their marriages. You have NO IDEA what these celebrities and their families have been through. AND... even if he did get sober, he can still relapse and take your world to hell. He's an alcoholic. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.
My husband was sober for 20 years. 20 YEARS!!!! He relapsed 5 years ago. Picked up right where he left his Crazy Train. Literally drove us both to hell and almost ended up in a body bag. It's no lie. You can have it too if you so choose.
My husband was sober for 20 years. 20 YEARS!!!! He relapsed 5 years ago. Picked up right where he left his Crazy Train. Literally drove us both to hell and almost ended up in a body bag. It's no lie. You can have it too if you so choose.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 121
I feel guilty, because he was planning a nice valentines
Do not feel guilty!
When I was making the decision that I no longer wanted to ride on the roller coaster to crazy any longer, what helped me tremendously with the guilt was respecting that he had a choice and I had a choice. I chose to no longer live with his drinking. His choice was to drink. It was my mantra during that period of time when he was trying his hardest to manipulate the situation and attempt to draw me back in as he was able to do for many, many years. It was my "go to" response.
"I respect your decision to drink and I would appreciate it if you would respect my decision not to live with your drinking".
I admire your wise decision (after tolerating his drinking for a year) to not live with his drinking! It took me about 10 years. You have saved yourself many years of stress. No guilt and move on!
Do not feel guilty!
When I was making the decision that I no longer wanted to ride on the roller coaster to crazy any longer, what helped me tremendously with the guilt was respecting that he had a choice and I had a choice. I chose to no longer live with his drinking. His choice was to drink. It was my mantra during that period of time when he was trying his hardest to manipulate the situation and attempt to draw me back in as he was able to do for many, many years. It was my "go to" response.
"I respect your decision to drink and I would appreciate it if you would respect my decision not to live with your drinking".
I admire your wise decision (after tolerating his drinking for a year) to not live with his drinking! It took me about 10 years. You have saved yourself many years of stress. No guilt and move on!
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,705
He is wasting his life. Don't allow him to waste YOURS. Take care of yourself first. Let him go. He has to want to get help. You are the most important. You come first and deserve all that is good in life. That relationship will only bring you sorrow and pain. Do not waste another breath on him. Move on and toward everything you want in life. Time to take control. The alcohol has already "killed" him. Say goodbye and mean it. You'll be set free and open to a new and positive relationship. The one you have always dreamed of. Get out of that one, please.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 47
He sent me a txt, started off with a joke. He can be pretty funny. Was making hints as to when he might see me again. I said I want to see "you but minus the alcohol". He said it was a deal. That was our only communication since Vday. Since he is not a non-A, who simply drinks now and then (as it is an everyday thing for him), how would that be possible? If he agrees to take action and get help, should I be there to support him? If he detoxes, should I help him? Everyone says to get out, but if he wants to try, should I be there to support him or is that also the wrong thing for me to do?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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Let me ask you a question.
Why is it that you are so invested in this man and solving his problems?
Is this what you want out of life? Struggling with an alcoholic? Pain and anguish?
People here, with a ton more life experience than you have, including ACTUAL alcoholics, like myself, are trying to tell you whats in store, and you seem to be in denial about the reality of the situation.
You have decades of grief ahead of you, and you are believing his lies about just drinking occasionally when you KNOW he already drinks daily. It doesnt get better. It gets a LOT worse.
Why is it that you are so invested in this man and solving his problems?
Is this what you want out of life? Struggling with an alcoholic? Pain and anguish?
People here, with a ton more life experience than you have, including ACTUAL alcoholics, like myself, are trying to tell you whats in store, and you seem to be in denial about the reality of the situation.
You have decades of grief ahead of you, and you are believing his lies about just drinking occasionally when you KNOW he already drinks daily. It doesnt get better. It gets a LOT worse.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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Does anyone know of any positive books out there?
oh i'd say the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a good start!
it's important that you remember, he already HAD a drinking problem when you came along. it was already THERE for HIM to do something about, if he so chose. he doesn't want to, doesn't see it as a problem. YOU do.
from his text you are already doing a lot of future tripping and IF'ing...IF he gets help (which he says he doesn't need), IF he detoxes, IF he tries. and none of that has one single thing to do with REALITY. he is who he is. has been, and will be.
it's really best if we choose to involve ourselves with someone that we do so accepting them AS they are, and not trying to CHANGE them. just as we hope they would do the same for us.
oh i'd say the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a good start!
it's important that you remember, he already HAD a drinking problem when you came along. it was already THERE for HIM to do something about, if he so chose. he doesn't want to, doesn't see it as a problem. YOU do.
from his text you are already doing a lot of future tripping and IF'ing...IF he gets help (which he says he doesn't need), IF he detoxes, IF he tries. and none of that has one single thing to do with REALITY. he is who he is. has been, and will be.
it's really best if we choose to involve ourselves with someone that we do so accepting them AS they are, and not trying to CHANGE them. just as we hope they would do the same for us.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 47
I'm not wanting to "change" him, anymore than you would want to "change" a diabetic in your life. I thought this was a sickness that we were talking about. The diabetic needs treatment and so does he. How's that changing him?
As for my interest in "solving his problems". He's in my life, so it's my problem too. I'm trying to decide what action to take. either help him or not be with him. That is why I'm asking questions and reading everyone's feedback. Like I said, I see that the feedback is pretty negative, which makes me feel sad. I wish there were positive stories out there
As for his drinking, he has admitted that he has a problem, says that he wants to do something about it, has gone to one meeting . So, I'm simply trying to differentiate what are empty words and what are words that he truly means. If he really goes for help and makes a positive move, I have to decide what I should do from there. Stay or leave. thanks.
As for my interest in "solving his problems". He's in my life, so it's my problem too. I'm trying to decide what action to take. either help him or not be with him. That is why I'm asking questions and reading everyone's feedback. Like I said, I see that the feedback is pretty negative, which makes me feel sad. I wish there were positive stories out there
As for his drinking, he has admitted that he has a problem, says that he wants to do something about it, has gone to one meeting . So, I'm simply trying to differentiate what are empty words and what are words that he truly means. If he really goes for help and makes a positive move, I have to decide what I should do from there. Stay or leave. thanks.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Carmen---here is an article that might help you to differentiate "empty words" from serious intent. It has been verrry helpful for me!
Http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.htlm (10 ways to tell when an alcoholic is full of crap reposted.
You can find it by using the "search" option on the blue bar at the top of this page
dandylion
Http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.htlm (10 ways to tell when an alcoholic is full of crap reposted.
You can find it by using the "search" option on the blue bar at the top of this page
dandylion
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
I think people are taking your words and descriptions about this situation, and giving honest feedback based upon their own experiences. But ultimately it is you who will be living with this situation.
Do you think he may become serious and seek treatment? Do you want to wait for something uncertain? Some people have a strong need to take care of others. Maybe having an addict boyfriend who "needs you" is a good outlet for your own emotional needs. It all depends on what you want out of your life.
We are all ultimately free to make our own decisions. No one else can answer these questions for you. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Do you think he may become serious and seek treatment? Do you want to wait for something uncertain? Some people have a strong need to take care of others. Maybe having an addict boyfriend who "needs you" is a good outlet for your own emotional needs. It all depends on what you want out of your life.
We are all ultimately free to make our own decisions. No one else can answer these questions for you. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 134
Carmen, I am so glad that you haven't given up on making your point, but I worry what you want to come of this discussion. You talked about alcoholism being a sickness, and it IS a sickness, but it isn't something that is purely physical like diabetes, heart disease or sickle-cell anemia. Have you ever been around a chronic diabetic who won't take insulin, who won't stop eating sugar, who won't diet in any way to help "treat" the diabetes? Those folks degenerate because they aren't changing their behaviors to HELP THEMSELVES... (or they don't want to...) they can lose their vision, have limbs amputated, need dialysis and kidney transplants, go into comas and even die. It is a lifetime disease. Is it survivable? Yes. Can they overcome the disease? Yes.
Alcoholism is much the same way, but it comes with lots of baggage... emotional stuff, history, manipulation, anger, resentment, infidelity, lies... all of this is in addition to physical problems that WILL develop over time. We have all been in your shoes... wondering what to do, how to help and we all feel your pain. We are only trying to save you the anguish, grief, pain, the years of work that getting through this will take... we cannot 'save' you any more that YOU can help him. He has to do all of the work and You have to work on you.
I wish you the very best and I hope things turn around for you!
Alcoholism is much the same way, but it comes with lots of baggage... emotional stuff, history, manipulation, anger, resentment, infidelity, lies... all of this is in addition to physical problems that WILL develop over time. We have all been in your shoes... wondering what to do, how to help and we all feel your pain. We are only trying to save you the anguish, grief, pain, the years of work that getting through this will take... we cannot 'save' you any more that YOU can help him. He has to do all of the work and You have to work on you.
I wish you the very best and I hope things turn around for you!
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Big hugs to you.
It's a difficult decision. One that only you can make. I'm not telling you to run.
There are celebrities who get sober. There are unknown people who get sober. We have quite a few recovering addicts posting here, who are both recovering alcoholics and recovering codependents. They are a minority. AXH's rehab center, which was the best one in our state, said about 1/3 of their "graduates" who went through the entire program (3 months inpatient, 6 months outpatient) were still sober after a year.
The thing is, I think, to look at our situations realistically. I would tell you what people told me when I came to my first Al-Anon meeting: Learn as much as you possibly can about alcoholism. Learn as much as possible about what it does to the people who love an alcoholic. Find out what you are wanting from this difficult person you love. Look at whether it is at all realistic to expect that you will get that. At some point, make a choice whether to stay or leave.
You don't have to know it all today.
It's a difficult decision. One that only you can make. I'm not telling you to run.
There are celebrities who get sober. There are unknown people who get sober. We have quite a few recovering addicts posting here, who are both recovering alcoholics and recovering codependents. They are a minority. AXH's rehab center, which was the best one in our state, said about 1/3 of their "graduates" who went through the entire program (3 months inpatient, 6 months outpatient) were still sober after a year.
The thing is, I think, to look at our situations realistically. I would tell you what people told me when I came to my first Al-Anon meeting: Learn as much as you possibly can about alcoholism. Learn as much as possible about what it does to the people who love an alcoholic. Find out what you are wanting from this difficult person you love. Look at whether it is at all realistic to expect that you will get that. At some point, make a choice whether to stay or leave.
You don't have to know it all today.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
The ten ways link is a good one, and its kinda hard to find via the search here.
Here is the link. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...full-crap.html
Here is the link. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...full-crap.html
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