day 4 no contact
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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day 4 no contact
Feeling very low today. Me and my abf fell out Friday - this happens every three months...because I told him how his drinking makes me feel like he doesn't care about me. His reply was to f off which I did. I said I wasn't doing it anymore as I deserve better. I've not heard from him or contacted him - he has been going on about stopping and going back to aa tonight after a year away. Yesterday I felt determined to stick to my guns. Today I feel sad and I know he isn't gping to suddenly realise im more important than drink. Today is his usual quacking day and I'm worried my resolve is low. Im keeping busy and making plans but I just wanted to get these feelings off my chest.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
What are you doing for you rosie? I' m sorry you are hurting so much. You deserve love and attention.
Do you want to stay in the cycle or do you have any ideas about stepping out of it for good?
As long as he can keep things going to drink, he will. I did.
Until you change nothing changes. I got serious about quitting when my spouse would no longer take my choosing drink over them. That was my wake-up call.
Do you want to stay in the cycle or do you have any ideas about stepping out of it for good?
As long as he can keep things going to drink, he will. I did.
Until you change nothing changes. I got serious about quitting when my spouse would no longer take my choosing drink over them. That was my wake-up call.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Stay strong. The low feeling is brain chemicals and hormones that keep us tied to the A when the logical side of our brain tells us it is toxic and harmful. Keep focusing on the logical side of the situation and often writing out the facts and history both pros and cons can keep us strong when we are waffling.
If we don't create safe boundaries for ourselves we will keep experiencing the pain and hurt of the active A or any person for that matter that is in our lives and is not a healthy person relationally.
Only we can control how we are treated by others. In my case I trained my A that I would never leave him despite his outrageous and unacceptable behavior. It was only after I exited the relationship and went no contact did he eventually find the strength within himself to actually get sober and enter authentic recovery years later.
Take care of you... you are worth it!
If we don't create safe boundaries for ourselves we will keep experiencing the pain and hurt of the active A or any person for that matter that is in our lives and is not a healthy person relationally.
Only we can control how we are treated by others. In my case I trained my A that I would never leave him despite his outrageous and unacceptable behavior. It was only after I exited the relationship and went no contact did he eventually find the strength within himself to actually get sober and enter authentic recovery years later.
Take care of you... you are worth it!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Posts: 68
I am tired of this cycle and told him I was not willing to spend another year like last year. He had a few sober periods the longest being three weeks and everyone including him noticed the positive difference in him. My last words were u can shove it up your arse because I deserve better. Im usually very patient and understanding but hes pushed me too far. I can't go back unless I see with my own eyes hes committed to staying sober and is committed to putting our relationship first.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I am still with my spouse, and I stopped drinking totally.
I think hopeworks' exspouse only quit drinking a few years after the marriage ended.
In my case, I also had my job to think about so I was really motivated to stop--I stood to lose everything.
If you go back too quickly be careful because the alcoholic usually just starts "slipping" and then it all begins again. You need to work on clear guidelines about what you need for yourself to stay in the home (not what he should do, but what you will live live with or not) For example, you could decide you will not live with active drinking in any form. That means if he "slips" you leave. Or he leaves.
A few weeks or months usually isn't enough to know. You should be reading the stickys at the top of the page if you haven't as that has lots of information that will help you.
I think hopeworks' exspouse only quit drinking a few years after the marriage ended.
In my case, I also had my job to think about so I was really motivated to stop--I stood to lose everything.
If you go back too quickly be careful because the alcoholic usually just starts "slipping" and then it all begins again. You need to work on clear guidelines about what you need for yourself to stay in the home (not what he should do, but what you will live live with or not) For example, you could decide you will not live with active drinking in any form. That means if he "slips" you leave. Or he leaves.
A few weeks or months usually isn't enough to know. You should be reading the stickys at the top of the page if you haven't as that has lots of information that will help you.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Luckily we don't live together. ..we talked about it but I decided it was too risky till he was sober
And I have kids to consider so our relationship is kept separate. .I go to his he doesn't come to mine. I am glad I stuck to that and his drinking only directly affects me, my kids don't need to walk on egg shells too. I have been grateful to have the option to come away from him when needed and I have detached a lot...when he makes himself ill anusses work It doesn't bother me whereas before I'd be fussing and worrying. Last time he missed work I asked if he'd get paid for being off and when he said no I just called him a tit. Its his problem not mine. It took a long time to be able to do that and the worry mid summer had made me ill. He sat drinking while half looking after me. I told him his drinking had contributed. But that wasn't enough
And I have kids to consider so our relationship is kept separate. .I go to his he doesn't come to mine. I am glad I stuck to that and his drinking only directly affects me, my kids don't need to walk on egg shells too. I have been grateful to have the option to come away from him when needed and I have detached a lot...when he makes himself ill anusses work It doesn't bother me whereas before I'd be fussing and worrying. Last time he missed work I asked if he'd get paid for being off and when he said no I just called him a tit. Its his problem not mine. It took a long time to be able to do that and the worry mid summer had made me ill. He sat drinking while half looking after me. I told him his drinking had contributed. But that wasn't enough
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Children can really be harmed by being around alcoholics. I know I was.
You are smart to be careful. Even if they stop they can relapse. Children really pay for that if they are living with him / her.
I relapsed for a few weeks in September--I thought I could drink moderately, but most alcoholics find they can't, including me.
Still, the point is you will be dealing with his addiction for the rest of your / his life.
Sure you want to wait around for this guy to get it together? Sounds like he has already been pretty "emotionally expensive" for you.
I bet you could find a nice guy with no addictions if you weren't so busy worrying about him. . . what do you think?
You are smart to be careful. Even if they stop they can relapse. Children really pay for that if they are living with him / her.
I relapsed for a few weeks in September--I thought I could drink moderately, but most alcoholics find they can't, including me.
Still, the point is you will be dealing with his addiction for the rest of your / his life.
Sure you want to wait around for this guy to get it together? Sounds like he has already been pretty "emotionally expensive" for you.
I bet you could find a nice guy with no addictions if you weren't so busy worrying about him. . . what do you think?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I agree Rosie, he is a fool to choose beer over you,
Personally I have learned they will choose the beer every time.
Yes, it is crazy, it is madness, it's unbelievable, sorry to say, this is the definition of addiction.
Change begins with you, friend. If you truly want a different ending to this sad situation, you can only address your needs.
I had to get brutally honest with myself, I had to ask myself WHY I kept accepting the unacceptable.
Personally I have learned they will choose the beer every time.
Yes, it is crazy, it is madness, it's unbelievable, sorry to say, this is the definition of addiction.
Change begins with you, friend. If you truly want a different ending to this sad situation, you can only address your needs.
I had to get brutally honest with myself, I had to ask myself WHY I kept accepting the unacceptable.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 68
Was it for the glimpses of the nice kind caring man you saw when he wasn't drinking and the hope they'd stop slipping?
I will not miss the dread I felt when driving to his not knowing what I was walking into...
I will not miss the dread I felt when driving to his not knowing what I was walking into...
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
The nice person is there, underneath, but unfortunately the addiction is in charge right now.
And with addiction, it is progressive so nice guy will be there less and less.
It sounds like you get it.
I wish the best and hope you find an awesome boyfriend
And with addiction, it is progressive so nice guy will be there less and less.
It sounds like you get it.
I wish the best and hope you find an awesome boyfriend
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I have never read a post on this forum that started out,
" I met the most out of control, obnoxious, cruel, bed wetting, insensitive, raging, violent, selfish drunk, AND I fell madly in love with him"
It really is to bad this isn't how this disease works.
Certainly, if we witnessed their true behavior the first time in meeting them, we all would have ran away.
Best to acknowledge what today is, that wonderful, kind, caring man, and the active alkie are the SAME guy. This is who he currently is, is that good enough for you?
" I met the most out of control, obnoxious, cruel, bed wetting, insensitive, raging, violent, selfish drunk, AND I fell madly in love with him"
It really is to bad this isn't how this disease works.
Certainly, if we witnessed their true behavior the first time in meeting them, we all would have ran away.
Best to acknowledge what today is, that wonderful, kind, caring man, and the active alkie are the SAME guy. This is who he currently is, is that good enough for you?
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