Have I lost respect for myself?
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I wouldn't say sensitive but maybe too passive. Her actions are totally inappropriate,you shouldn't even have to be having these conversations with her. If she really respected you and the marriage she wouldn't be doing this stuff.
Just my humble opinion.
Just my humble opinion.
Originally Posted by steelman1649 
Well it looks like I need another reality check. About a month or so ago I had noticed her phone going off late at night(after midnight) while she was sleeping and I became curious. Apparently she had given her number to another guy she met at work. She said it was nothing and I had no reason to be suspicious. I told her it was making me uncomfortable that a. someone is texting a married women that late at night and b. why she would give her number out, especially given the trust issues created by the info about the 20 yr old kid. She said she would tell him texting so late was inappropriate.
It ended up happening again late night a few times and I really began to get upset. Obviously she never talked to him. She agreed that she would tell him to delete her number entirely. It ended up happening again one night since. I told her how sad I was that she didn't follow through, but didn't push it as I was thinking about leaving her anyway.
Well last night when I saw her walk in with some giant bottle of vodka and a bottle of flavored vodka, I politely excused myself from the living room. I've told her previously that I will not watch TV and spend time with her downstairs if she is drinking.
Well I woke up around 2am with a sinking feeling in my stomach (it seems i have some intuition when it comes to shadiness). She was passed out in the bed and I grabbed her phone and looked at her Facebook account. She had sent a friend request to some younger single friend of one of her high school male friends.
He immediately ask if she knew him which she replied no, and he proceeded to talk about how hot she was and she engaged in some flirtations before her drunken messages didn't even make sense (he was even asking what she was talking about). They both wished each other "sweetest dreams" before the conversation ended.
Of course when I asked her about it she started talking about how I don't let her have any guys friends, I try and control who she talks to, etc. She said his messages on Facebook were just "compliments" not anything more.
There have only been 3 times in 4.5 years I've tried to communicate issues with her male friends. One night she had a friend over and they got blasted together. I woke up and walked downstairs to see her passed out face in his lap and his hand up her shirt passed out as well. I asked that he not return to the house. I told her to cut communication with the 20 yr old for the sake of our marriage, and asked her to delete the "midnight text" guy since it got out of control.
Am I missing something here? Am I being too sensitive? I feel like she is opening the door to potential threats to our marriage constantly.
I don't have any problem with her talking or even hanging out with her existing friends, I just ask her not to give her number out to single men she meets going forward.
Thanks for listening and sorry so long, been up since 2am thinking about this. Any women that can give some perspective would be great.
It ended up happening again late night a few times and I really began to get upset. Obviously she never talked to him. She agreed that she would tell him to delete her number entirely. It ended up happening again one night since. I told her how sad I was that she didn't follow through, but didn't push it as I was thinking about leaving her anyway.
Well last night when I saw her walk in with some giant bottle of vodka and a bottle of flavored vodka, I politely excused myself from the living room. I've told her previously that I will not watch TV and spend time with her downstairs if she is drinking.
Well I woke up around 2am with a sinking feeling in my stomach (it seems i have some intuition when it comes to shadiness). She was passed out in the bed and I grabbed her phone and looked at her Facebook account. She had sent a friend request to some younger single friend of one of her high school male friends.
He immediately ask if she knew him which she replied no, and he proceeded to talk about how hot she was and she engaged in some flirtations before her drunken messages didn't even make sense (he was even asking what she was talking about). They both wished each other "sweetest dreams" before the conversation ended.
Of course when I asked her about it she started talking about how I don't let her have any guys friends, I try and control who she talks to, etc. She said his messages on Facebook were just "compliments" not anything more.
There have only been 3 times in 4.5 years I've tried to communicate issues with her male friends. One night she had a friend over and they got blasted together. I woke up and walked downstairs to see her passed out face in his lap and his hand up her shirt passed out as well. I asked that he not return to the house. I told her to cut communication with the 20 yr old for the sake of our marriage, and asked her to delete the "midnight text" guy since it got out of control.
Am I missing something here? Am I being too sensitive? I feel like she is opening the door to potential threats to our marriage constantly.
I don't have any problem with her talking or even hanging out with her existing friends, I just ask her not to give her number out to single men she meets going forward.
Thanks for listening and sorry so long, been up since 2am thinking about this. Any women that can give some perspective would be great.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
My heart hurts for you for what she's putting you through and for what you keep taking from her.
Your wife is doing some really wretched things. Why do you still want her?
She has done these things in the past, you communicated to her that it not only hurt your feelings but that you won't tolerate them anymore. Yet, here you find yourself feeling hurt again and she's doing the exact same stuff as before. Communicating your pain and upset with her didn't work. What are you going to differently this time?
Also, if I recall correctly from one of your previous posts, your wife was supposed to leave the day after Christmas but it was emotionally too difficult for you both so this situation has been allowed to continue. Can you find another way for you two to separate that doesn't involve her leaving? Can you leave? Can you take a vacation by yourself or with friends and ask her to be moved out by the time you get back?
Your wife is doing some really wretched things. Why do you still want her?
She has done these things in the past, you communicated to her that it not only hurt your feelings but that you won't tolerate them anymore. Yet, here you find yourself feeling hurt again and she's doing the exact same stuff as before. Communicating your pain and upset with her didn't work. What are you going to differently this time?
Also, if I recall correctly from one of your previous posts, your wife was supposed to leave the day after Christmas but it was emotionally too difficult for you both so this situation has been allowed to continue. Can you find another way for you two to separate that doesn't involve her leaving? Can you leave? Can you take a vacation by yourself or with friends and ask her to be moved out by the time you get back?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Hi Steel.
You just don't deserve this crap. And I think she'll continue with her horrific behavior as long as you continue to put up with it. Her actions are inappropriate, insensitive, immature, and twisted at best.
If I fell asleep with my face in a male "friend's" crotch, my husband would divorce me as fast as he could, and vice versa. You asking her to not bring this friend around anymore is barely a slap on the wrist.
She can only walk on you if you lay down and act like a door mat. So stop it. I say this with nothing but kindest intentions. Her actions speak loudly of her lack of respect for you and your marriage.
~You deserve so much better~
You just don't deserve this crap. And I think she'll continue with her horrific behavior as long as you continue to put up with it. Her actions are inappropriate, insensitive, immature, and twisted at best.
If I fell asleep with my face in a male "friend's" crotch, my husband would divorce me as fast as he could, and vice versa. You asking her to not bring this friend around anymore is barely a slap on the wrist.
She can only walk on you if you lay down and act like a door mat. So stop it. I say this with nothing but kindest intentions. Her actions speak loudly of her lack of respect for you and your marriage.
~You deserve so much better~
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: indiana
Posts: 158
Well I got everything out Sunday. I had to ask her to put the kindle down and I have no idea how many times she got up to reheat her coffee, but I said almost everything I wanted to say. She may have said 30 words during the entire conversation, if you can call it that. No desire to talk about much, no apologies for anything it was just like every "tough" convo we've had before.
She did said a couple key things.
1. She still has feelings for the 20 year old, but they're "almost gone".
2. She has always had an easier time making friends with guys.
3. She still has never told the "midnight texter" to delete her number. she just deleted him and stopped talking to him at work.
4. She never gave her number out, friended new guys on facebook, etc with an alterior motive. She didnt think any of them would cross the line.
Later that day and this morning she's acting like nothing happened. I didnt get as far as asking her to move out, setting a date, etc because it took everything I had to unload what I had to say....but anyone should have been able to infer that I was done.
This weekend sounds like a good opportunity for her to leave so I'll bring that up tonight. I think I'll take the advice of Stung and stay with a friend the night before and day that she packs up and leaves to avoid any wimp outs.
She did said a couple key things.
1. She still has feelings for the 20 year old, but they're "almost gone".
2. She has always had an easier time making friends with guys.
3. She still has never told the "midnight texter" to delete her number. she just deleted him and stopped talking to him at work.
4. She never gave her number out, friended new guys on facebook, etc with an alterior motive. She didnt think any of them would cross the line.
Later that day and this morning she's acting like nothing happened. I didnt get as far as asking her to move out, setting a date, etc because it took everything I had to unload what I had to say....but anyone should have been able to infer that I was done.
This weekend sounds like a good opportunity for her to leave so I'll bring that up tonight. I think I'll take the advice of Stung and stay with a friend the night before and day that she packs up and leaves to avoid any wimp outs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: indiana
Posts: 158
Well I'm sitting her alone as she's babysitting her sister's kids and wondering how I didn't make this happen. I let it all out and she didn't even have anything to say about it. She just went all week acting like nothing happened. Part of it is my fault for letting the status quo to continue.
I knew so clearly what I wanted to do and say earlier this week and was strong in my desire to put an end to the circus. How can I make this happen?
Everytime I try to put an end to it, her strategy seems to be to ignore it and act oblivious...she seems to know i just get busy with life over the next few days and lose my focus. I dont want to get sucked into the "ok, one last chance but if she does it again I'm done", because I've already done that several times.
I knew so clearly what I wanted to do and say earlier this week and was strong in my desire to put an end to the circus. How can I make this happen?
Everytime I try to put an end to it, her strategy seems to be to ignore it and act oblivious...she seems to know i just get busy with life over the next few days and lose my focus. I dont want to get sucked into the "ok, one last chance but if she does it again I'm done", because I've already done that several times.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by Hollyanne
I am an alcoholic, sober three years.
I just read this and what jumped out at me is the cruelty.
She has no reason to tell you of her feelings for the kid except to stick a knife in you and be cruel. She has no advantage, except to be mean and cruel and keep you doubled over in pain. She is doing a good job.
The second thing that jumped out at me is this.
You are seriously going places with your career and if you go to the point of the promotion with her in tow, you will be making financial payments based on that new financial status.
She is heading for the cliff-edge.
She is going to be unemployed soon and she will have your new big fat paycheck to depend on.
If you spoke to a shark lawyer right now they would tell you "drop the hatch, now!".
You can always change your mind but start the clock at now.
That is my opinion.
I just read this and what jumped out at me is the cruelty.
She has no reason to tell you of her feelings for the kid except to stick a knife in you and be cruel. She has no advantage, except to be mean and cruel and keep you doubled over in pain. She is doing a good job.
The second thing that jumped out at me is this.
You are seriously going places with your career and if you go to the point of the promotion with her in tow, you will be making financial payments based on that new financial status.
She is heading for the cliff-edge.
She is going to be unemployed soon and she will have your new big fat paycheck to depend on.
If you spoke to a shark lawyer right now they would tell you "drop the hatch, now!".
You can always change your mind but start the clock at now.
That is my opinion.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
I think you have to give yourself credit for how far you've come, then sit down and take a hard look at what has to happen next.
She isn't going to help you with this--she likes things as they are. You will have to give her specifics of when she is to leave, and what will happen if she doesn't move out voluntarily. Sounds like she will push back against whatever you tell her. In fact, she probably expects you to cave in. Don't!
I'm sure others will have concrete actions you can take, and cautions about what not to do.
Meanwhile, you are on a path, and if you take it step by step you will make it!
So..progress, not perfection. Psych yourself up mentally for the next step.
She isn't going to help you with this--she likes things as they are. You will have to give her specifics of when she is to leave, and what will happen if she doesn't move out voluntarily. Sounds like she will push back against whatever you tell her. In fact, she probably expects you to cave in. Don't!
I'm sure others will have concrete actions you can take, and cautions about what not to do.
Meanwhile, you are on a path, and if you take it step by step you will make it!
So..progress, not perfection. Psych yourself up mentally for the next step.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I had to realize that it did not matter what or how I said it.....
My loved one with a drinking problem did not hear it. I tried many different ways to get him to hear it and kept blaming myself when he could not.
It might take actions for her to hear you. It does not matter how kind/loving you are she is probably not going to like them.....and if you are anything like me it will be hard to sit with that and not take it on.
I also had to realize that though I was in a different place, ignoring it had always worked for him in the past.....why would he not think it would this time?
My loved one with a drinking problem did not hear it. I tried many different ways to get him to hear it and kept blaming myself when he could not.
It might take actions for her to hear you. It does not matter how kind/loving you are she is probably not going to like them.....and if you are anything like me it will be hard to sit with that and not take it on.
I also had to realize that though I was in a different place, ignoring it had always worked for him in the past.....why would he not think it would this time?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by steelman1649
Well I'm sitting her alone as she's babysitting her sister's kids and wondering how I didn't make this happen. I let it all out and she didn't even have anything to say about it. She just went all week acting like nothing happened. Part of it is my fault for letting the status quo to continue.
I knew so clearly what I wanted to do and say earlier this week and was strong in my desire to put an end to the circus. How can I make this happen?
Everytime I try to put an end to it, her strategy seems to be to ignore it and act oblivious...she seems to know i just get busy with life over the next few days and lose my focus. I dont want to get sucked into the "ok, one last chance but if she does it again I'm done", because I've already done that several times.
I knew so clearly what I wanted to do and say earlier this week and was strong in my desire to put an end to the circus. How can I make this happen?
Everytime I try to put an end to it, her strategy seems to be to ignore it and act oblivious...she seems to know i just get busy with life over the next few days and lose my focus. I dont want to get sucked into the "ok, one last chance but if she does it again I'm done", because I've already done that several times.
She is going to just sit and try to out wait you.
She has probably pulled variations of this in the past successfully with you and feels quite validated in this is how to best handle you.
However this is YOUR life. Not hers. How YOU handle YOU is up to YOU.
Likely, setting a Calendar with Events/Tasks for YOU may help YOU manage YOU through this so YOU get YOUR side done.
Ever study any Project Management?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
HI steelman1649- Gosh I hurt for you. To me it sounds like she left emotionally a long time ago but wanted the perks of holding on to you knowing you will never do what you say.
After about a month of dealing with the reality of that information, I discussed divorce with her. She told me she wanted to move back in and work on things, she realizes how foolish her infatuation was and that she didn't want to lose me.
To me it sounds like new guy was not that big into her and she realized it so you were backup.
Even though she cut off all communication outside of work with the 20 year old, she told me she still has feelings for him
It sounds like she was testing you to make sure you were hurting for her. If the 20 year old was all she wanted and he wanted her she would still been gone.
I let it all out and she didn't even have anything to say about it.
It doesn't faze her she is waiting for you to cave.
Keep going to Alanon, I found journaling was very helpful when I separated from AH and I would feel down I would refer back and remember all the crap I dealt with. Check out some books on codependency. I worked the program while we were still together learning to detach and understanding what is happening helped alot.
After about a month of dealing with the reality of that information, I discussed divorce with her. She told me she wanted to move back in and work on things, she realizes how foolish her infatuation was and that she didn't want to lose me.
To me it sounds like new guy was not that big into her and she realized it so you were backup.
Even though she cut off all communication outside of work with the 20 year old, she told me she still has feelings for him
It sounds like she was testing you to make sure you were hurting for her. If the 20 year old was all she wanted and he wanted her she would still been gone.
I let it all out and she didn't even have anything to say about it.
It doesn't faze her she is waiting for you to cave.
Keep going to Alanon, I found journaling was very helpful when I separated from AH and I would feel down I would refer back and remember all the crap I dealt with. Check out some books on codependency. I worked the program while we were still together learning to detach and understanding what is happening helped alot.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
It isn't too late. Follow up on your conversation with a calender as others have suggested.
Tell her you are not happy and not going to wait any longer for improvements with her in the house so she needs to be out end of the month.
If you are resolved, you can still act.
You are letting her control the game with her zone defense of waiting you out, like Hammer says.
So steal the ball and change your strategy.
You deserve respect and honesty in your home steelman. We are here for you.
Tell her you are not happy and not going to wait any longer for improvements with her in the house so she needs to be out end of the month.
If you are resolved, you can still act.
You are letting her control the game with her zone defense of waiting you out, like Hammer says.
So steal the ball and change your strategy.
You deserve respect and honesty in your home steelman. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
You have my support. That feeling where you want them gone....but can't just tell them is almost surreal. It's like you are watching your life from outside.....that it cant really be happening to you.
All I can say is that a)it's normal....it's supposed to feel that sh*t. And b) it gets better. And not just like, a bit less sad......it gets wonderful. One day soon you'll wake and she wont be the first thing on your mind....and it's joyous.
All I can say is that a)it's normal....it's supposed to feel that sh*t. And b) it gets better. And not just like, a bit less sad......it gets wonderful. One day soon you'll wake and she wont be the first thing on your mind....and it's joyous.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi Steelman,
Maybe it's time to formalize your plan. If you aren't ready for the D word, how about, "I want a trial separation and want you to move by *insert date* (or say you are willing to be the one to move, if you are).
Have you consulted an attorney yet? Maybe you want that first consultation under your belt, so you are clear. Do you have a therapist for you? They are great at helping to prioritize actions, and even role play if needed, so you say what you need to say.
Sending you encouragement. Good luck.
Maybe it's time to formalize your plan. If you aren't ready for the D word, how about, "I want a trial separation and want you to move by *insert date* (or say you are willing to be the one to move, if you are).
Have you consulted an attorney yet? Maybe you want that first consultation under your belt, so you are clear. Do you have a therapist for you? They are great at helping to prioritize actions, and even role play if needed, so you say what you need to say.
Sending you encouragement. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Hi Steelman-- thoughts-- good thoughts for you.
I have not read through the entire thread, so I have no solid knowledge of what words have been given to you. I just know this:
There will come a moment when you mean it, when you mean it in your entire being, you very soul. A time when you mean this is how it will be or..... and, she will sense it.
I can't explain it. Most importantly--- it needs to be for you- not so that she will want to change.
I can sense the time is near. You are tired of being hurt and feeling left out, used.
Be well and stay strong.
I have not read through the entire thread, so I have no solid knowledge of what words have been given to you. I just know this:
There will come a moment when you mean it, when you mean it in your entire being, you very soul. A time when you mean this is how it will be or..... and, she will sense it.
I can't explain it. Most importantly--- it needs to be for you- not so that she will want to change.
I can sense the time is near. You are tired of being hurt and feeling left out, used.
Be well and stay strong.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
