Hawkeye13

Hi Steelman;

I think it is great you are working with a therapist and thinking about what you will / will not tolerate.

Your list of expectations, as you and others have noted, is not likely to succeed since she is used to "getting away" with pretty much anything.

I respectfully suggest, only if and when you are ready, you try something like this:

What about asking her to move out / legal separation, deal with her drinking, and attend marriage therapy with you?


In other words, no more extensions and passes.

If she loves you and wants to change and make the relationship work, she can demonstrate it while paying her own way and taking charge of her own recovery.

If she isn't serious, you will find out soon enough and not be paying for her emotionally and financially while you wait.


Just a thought. We support you no matter what you choose to do or not do

Hammer

Steelman -- can you open this video?



http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...people-go.html

Wisconsin

Steel, I, too have constructed elaborate scenarios in my head about what my AH will have to do to make things right. It's actually much easier to do that when he is far away for work for months at a time. The more distance between us (which usually results in him behaving perfectly nicely on the phone and acting as though everything is peachy keen between us), the more I simultaneously relish the freedom and the relief from being away from the drama, and begin to convince myself that we can find a way to MAKE THIS WORK, DANG IT!

Inevitably, every single time I build that up in my head, something happens. Words are exchanged. Nastiness occurs. My feelings are, yet again, pushed aside. And I am reminded of the same things you are re-remembering as you re-read this thread. The problem with my AH's behavior is MY AH'S BEHAVIOR. No amount of manipulating outside circumstances will change his behavior unless and until he chooses to change it. And he has given zero indication that he will change it, or that he even wants to change it.

Bottom line is I have plenty of crap to work on with respect to myself, and constructing the elaborate circumstances where my AH will magically change simply takes the focus off of me, and puts it onto him.

I'm pulling for you, Steel! Sending lots of hugs and good juju your way!

MissFixit

Steelman,

You pay this woman to drink, lie to you and cheat. You can stop payment anytime you want.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

steelman1649

Wow the end of that video just hit me so hard and brought me to tears. "It's amazing what some people will put up with to have someone in their home tell them I love you".

Hammer

You and me, brother.

I guess on the good side we are not hearing that so often, so it makes what likely comes next that much easier?

hopeful4

I am blowing a gasket right now...I had missed this one. She is using you. Kick her butt out and move on. Enough is enough. Her stories are full of BS. You deserve so much better.

I am sorry.

AnvilheadII

I had seen some deleted text messages to an unfamilair guy this weekend. The GS3 will store some deleted sms messages if you go to the contact and hit history. Only some of the deleted texts were viewable, but a few talked about how he she told him he couldn't text her over the weekend and that it was "safer". When I asked her about it she said it was a friend from 5 years ago in high school. She said she didn't want me to see a text from him and freak out.

I told her she I wouldn't have a problem with a friend from high school sending some texts, it's the single guys at work that are the problem! The weird thing is he isn't her facebook friend and she said she doesnt know where she got his number from. FML

steel, you don't BUY this load of horse crap do ya? i mean for even a nanosecond?

5 years ago in high school....so was SHE in high school five years ago?? meaning she'd be about 23? just curious.

steelman1649

No she is 30. She said she hadn't heard from him in 5 years. Don't know how she got his number tho since he isn't on her facebook...who keeps numbers from someone you haven't talked to in 5 years?

steelman1649

Trying to summon the strength to ask her to leave when she gets home in 20 minutes.

hopeful4

And who has to worry about it being a "safer" time to text if it is someone she has not heard from in 5 years! I call major BS!

I am sure she is quite happy with her situation. You pay 90% of her expenses, you put up w/her drinking and carrying on w/other men behind her back....

I hope you see you deserve so much more than this.

Hammer

She already knows it is coming.

That is why she is not pulling her weight.

Hawkeye13

Good luck Steelman. . . set a date and don't get distracted by her quacking.

We are here for you

HopefulinFLA

Pulling for you Steelman. You don't need to put up with her crap one second longer!

littlefish

I hope you make the best choice for your sanity and your own happiness. I thought a lot about your original question wondering if you should pay for another rehab. I started to type a response pointing out that lots of people can't afford rehab or they have no insurance to cover it or it's just beyond their means, but would be desperate and so grateful to be able to go. But then I thought I never went to rehab and just felt like the question was outside of my experience.

But, what is relevant to my experience is that I think an alcoholic shows with rather specific behavior when they are ready to stop and do something. I think I reached that point when I knew I couldn't just say I was sorry and leave it at that.

I had to say: I'm sorry, I am going to outpatient care tomorrow and AA and I know I have to stop drinking completely, and I am going to do my best to try and do it.

It took 18 months and I was miserable, but I did it. And I am extremely thankful to be sober today, and happy!

steelman1649

That wasn't me...no rehab for her.

littlefish

oops, well, the second part of my post might be helpful. Sorry!

steelman1649

She's home in 5 minutes, pray for me.

Hammer

Dear God,

Please show Steelman Your Path, Your Will and Your Way, and grant him the Courage, Strength and Wisdom to follow it.

Amen

Hammer

Do not forget -- they read the vibe.