Lewis73

I wish I knew what got me out of that pit......I suppose I was falling into it all year. Hit the bottom of it that night I found out about "him" and wallowed around down there until I found a way out.......yet the way out wasn't a tough climb. It was a door to an elevator I just hadn't spotted! It was easy getting out, and quick....I just needed the light turning on!

It was probably her ordering a bud with a breakfast in front of the kids at xmas that flicked that switch. It didn't seem a big deal at the time....but what it illuminated was handy.

I suppose the moral is....when you think you've hit rock bottom, stop crying and look around REAL hard. Often the way out is right there.

FireSprite

I know this look that you refer to - and I have to assure you that in MY experience, every bit of that disdain & hatred that my then AH threw at me was nothing more than him externalizing on me what was going on internally with him instead of working through his self-hatred & shame.

I know it sounds ridiculous but I had to learn to not take it personally.... eventually. Took me a long time to get there.

CarryOn

Hi Lewis - you are doing great, such amazing progress in such a short period of time! So glad to hear that your daughter is coming home, it is a true testament to you and your relationship.

I agree with what Hawkeye said about AW's anger, etc. The things that an A says about someone else or how they behave towards someone are often a mirror of how they feel about themselves. You are the one enforcing your boundaries (excellent for you and your kids!!) therefore causing her actions to have consequences, so you are the person she is going to lash out at.

Lewis73

There is a part of me that hopes the hate is not real...the problem is...

a) the hate is real = bad
b) the hate is not real...but she thinks it is for a long while yet = quite bad
c) It's not all real, but some is = quite bad

Given there is no good....I can't care too much about it.

FireSprite

You know Lewis, if you want to wax poetic for a minute remember that the opposite of love isn't hatred, it's indifference.

Hate cannot exist without love.

Lewis73

I hate the guy that keyed my car.....explain that

FireSprite

Sure! You love your car... it's not about the guy.

m1k3

No way I'm touching that one.

I will say I feel the same way about my wife. I left almost 3 years ago. About 15 years ago I believe my wife crawled into a bottle of vodka and drowned. Someone climbed back out but it wasn't my wife.

You are making some amazing progress in a short time. I do know that being up to your chin in a river of sh1t can be an amazing motivator, at least it was for me.

Your friend,

Justwantnormal

Love it

ShootingStar1

Lewis, wow, what emotional progress you've made! Inspiring.

I just have one question and it is about your kids. If your wife as an alcoholic isn't a good mother and causes disruption and pain in your home, is it reasonable to let her have the kids 50% of the time? That keeps them in harms way for a lot of the time, without you being there to observe and protect them if and when they need it. And some of your kids are still very young.

What about, after she moves out, getting a more realistic amount of time for your kids to see her, and perhaps keeping it to daytime during the hours she is more functional? I suspect, should you go the legal route, you may have enough grounds for her not to have custody, and/or have supervised visits.

ShootingStar1

JustAGirl1971

Oh, wow. I sure hope this is bottom, otherwise I'm going to need more than an elevator to get out! Thank you, Lewis.

m1k3

Justagirl, the way out is always there. Sometimes we just aren't read to use it.

There is a saying I like. Pain instructs or it brings more pain. It appears that I was a really slow learner.

lommey

Hi lewis im the aw in this relationship .I wish my husband of 14 yearsvhad been sobkind and patient. I started drinking really heavily 6 years ago I fought with myself every day that I wouldnt drink but every day I did . I hated myself hated the drink and was a lost soul. On the 29th of aug I asked my s husband for help. He said why now why when you decide your so selfish and left. Too late for my marriage . I had everything . Now the house is for sale and im left alone. I have to remember how lonely my h must have been when I was passed out on the sofa every night . Maybe one day he can forgive me. I wonder will I ever be able to forgive myself. I wish you everything for a full and happy future x

Lewis73

Good question!

The plan is that she has them a bit less than 50%...over 2 weeks it will be 6 in 14 nights. Thats a couple of weekday nights and alternate weekends.

This is the plan that is fair for a sober person. She has agreed it, the kids have agreed it * and it's set up in a joint google diary for us to track.

And that's the plan....

Now, if she starts asking for help getting them places or I hear she is drinking around them.....I'll cross that bridge.

I want to give her a chance...but only one chance this time.

*kids now been told, all ok with it - which is sad. Just another crappy day for them.

petmagnet

Ouch! I think I am there with my AH. I detached, but I think it's without love. I have been indifferent for a long time and just going through the motions hoping he will change or learn a lesson that will make him want to have a sober life. I'm quickly losing faith in that however. I am in the LAST chance stage of our relationship right now. My AH got into some very serious trouble with a 2nd DUI recently and hopefully this is the motivation he needed. Once we get thru this process it will pretty much tell me everything I need to know. Whether or not he is truly broken and humbled and ready to change the path of his life.

Lewis, I respect your strength, I am sorry her drinking resulted in cheating, it's the ultimate insult to a committed relationship. I would have left by now too if that were the case here. I wish you and your children nothing but serenity and stability moving forward.

Fandy

she's going to get up and make them pancakes and beer for breakfast? Spend the day hungover with them....

doesn't sound like much fun with Mom, she can sext around them, smoke and post on fb

....maybe you can discuss with the older child that certain things can/should be off limits and he can tell you what makes him uncomfortable or is not safe.

Children learn by example

Lewis73

I hope it will be simple....I hope she gets clean the second she walks (thats her plan) in which case she will be ropey for 2 weeks then a good mum.

If, from day 1 or on day 100, I hear she is drinking in front of them....in bed all the time....not taking them places because she can't drive....I'll step in.

Sexting - she can sext who she likes! Smoking - she'll smoke outside (lease rule)...I'd rather she didnt, but its not grounds for taking the kids.

Sungrl

I wouldn't expect her to be clean the second she walks out the door. I would expect things to progress. Make sure you and the children have their boundries in place before they spend one night there.

Lewis73

Well the first week her plan is to kick it - either cold turkey or with detox drugs.

So not much will happen then.

My hope is that things are obvious....she is obviously good or obviously bad.

My tricky issues will crop up if she says she is fine but I suspect otherwise. All can do is wait and see. Saying to her now "You cant have the kids if drunk" will get me something thrown at my head

Far easier to say to her (when drunk on the door) they aren't going with you.

Sadly, I'm going to have to rely a bit on the 13 yr old. Which will be tough...because I'll have to email her saying "he said you had 4 cans, etc" - that will be horrible.

MissFixit

i might keep your attorney abreast if she is drinking with them. also, i would hesitate putting your children in the middle. not sure what to tell you, but you might want to ask the therapist about that one.

if you were to say to aw "son said xyz," it will violate confidences with son as well as have A wife get mad at kid for ratting her out. might drive wedge in their relationship.

my father did that with me. my mother accused me for YEARS of being disloyal. i was 8.