Wife is drunk, inarticulate and daft...so she's leaving
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
Thanks for thinking of me folks.
I haven't updated as I'm not sure where my head is at right now.
Divorce paperwork arrived last Friday for her. I think she will just sign, she hasn't the energy to even read stuff let alone fight stuff (nor the cash).......and there's nothing to fight. The papers leave the finances and kids for us to sort separate. It's a simple "do you want divorce" issue....and I assume that will be a yes as SHE's the one who has not been in love for the last few years (coincidentally...for about the time she's been drinking - is she out of love because she drinks or drinking because she was stuck with someone she didn’t love??? - Who knows!)
Anyway - plodding on. Kids all know and are ok. House is full of stuff she is boxing up. She has a few friends over on Monday to help her move - I'll go out for the day!
I have meals planned for the week and my diary looks like a military operation! She has asked for the first 2 weeks without the kids at all so she can get “settled” – so I have a lot on. After that – its 50/50 roughly….so she better be sober.
One admission....I was a bit mean. I went to a friends for a meal with him and his wife last week. It went on till about 2am so I was home late. She knew I was "out" …but that was all. Not where I was or with who. Then, few days later, I was at my parents talking through stuff....again, till the early hours. She only knew I was out.
Each time AW knew I was out...just not where. And she is pretty sure I was seeing someone - and I have just ignored her hints at this (she hasn’t asked outright....because, how could she....she isn’t supposed to care) The covering letter of my divorce paperwork says words to the effect of “our client wants to keep things simple and agrees these things are not one sided so will not be seeking divorce on the grounds of your adultery” She said I put that in just as a dig (too right I did!!!!) and that I wasn’t as innocent as I made out (hinting at the nights out)
Anyway, mean thing of me to do - to not make it clear I wasn’t with someone else. Because no matter what she says - that must hurt (like it hurt me!)
SO...few more days of this nonsense. Last night she was ok. Fun even....I was back from the gym and she was joking she would miss the "hot body" even if I did do her head in - yet at the same time she is terrified of getting close...she wants to detach - rightly so.
I have to keep reminding myself how deluded she is about everything.....the other day she slept in my/our bed all day and drank. The room stank and I told her - so she told me last night how she has been asking her friends if she smells and they all say she smells great!!!!!! Nuts. Pointing out that those enabling fools of hers can only smell the gallons of perfume she wears to mask it (or are just being polite) is pointless.....but still, infuriating that she can’t see the reality of all of this.
Oh...and I saw her email from her detox doctor who has expressed concern about her having another detox at home when she a) lives alone and b) has done so many before.
So quite how she will kick the 8-10 can a day habit when she goes??? Who knows???
Tough few days ahead. Her moods swing all over the place and the lies likewise…..the stuff she has told her friends is crazy – but again, makes no sense. Why leave your kids with someone so evil???? You’d think they’d say!.
All I’m wondering now is how to say goodbye.
(and yes – I know this is all heavy on the focus on her…but that’s where my head is at for a few more days before its me and kids for good)
I haven't updated as I'm not sure where my head is at right now.
Divorce paperwork arrived last Friday for her. I think she will just sign, she hasn't the energy to even read stuff let alone fight stuff (nor the cash).......and there's nothing to fight. The papers leave the finances and kids for us to sort separate. It's a simple "do you want divorce" issue....and I assume that will be a yes as SHE's the one who has not been in love for the last few years (coincidentally...for about the time she's been drinking - is she out of love because she drinks or drinking because she was stuck with someone she didn’t love??? - Who knows!)
Anyway - plodding on. Kids all know and are ok. House is full of stuff she is boxing up. She has a few friends over on Monday to help her move - I'll go out for the day!
I have meals planned for the week and my diary looks like a military operation! She has asked for the first 2 weeks without the kids at all so she can get “settled” – so I have a lot on. After that – its 50/50 roughly….so she better be sober.
One admission....I was a bit mean. I went to a friends for a meal with him and his wife last week. It went on till about 2am so I was home late. She knew I was "out" …but that was all. Not where I was or with who. Then, few days later, I was at my parents talking through stuff....again, till the early hours. She only knew I was out.
Each time AW knew I was out...just not where. And she is pretty sure I was seeing someone - and I have just ignored her hints at this (she hasn’t asked outright....because, how could she....she isn’t supposed to care) The covering letter of my divorce paperwork says words to the effect of “our client wants to keep things simple and agrees these things are not one sided so will not be seeking divorce on the grounds of your adultery” She said I put that in just as a dig (too right I did!!!!) and that I wasn’t as innocent as I made out (hinting at the nights out)
Anyway, mean thing of me to do - to not make it clear I wasn’t with someone else. Because no matter what she says - that must hurt (like it hurt me!)
SO...few more days of this nonsense. Last night she was ok. Fun even....I was back from the gym and she was joking she would miss the "hot body" even if I did do her head in - yet at the same time she is terrified of getting close...she wants to detach - rightly so.
I have to keep reminding myself how deluded she is about everything.....the other day she slept in my/our bed all day and drank. The room stank and I told her - so she told me last night how she has been asking her friends if she smells and they all say she smells great!!!!!! Nuts. Pointing out that those enabling fools of hers can only smell the gallons of perfume she wears to mask it (or are just being polite) is pointless.....but still, infuriating that she can’t see the reality of all of this.
Oh...and I saw her email from her detox doctor who has expressed concern about her having another detox at home when she a) lives alone and b) has done so many before.
So quite how she will kick the 8-10 can a day habit when she goes??? Who knows???
Tough few days ahead. Her moods swing all over the place and the lies likewise…..the stuff she has told her friends is crazy – but again, makes no sense. Why leave your kids with someone so evil???? You’d think they’d say!.
All I’m wondering now is how to say goodbye.
(and yes – I know this is all heavy on the focus on her…but that’s where my head is at for a few more days before its me and kids for good)
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
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Just keep walking, buddy. One day, one step at a time. Just Do Good and Do Right.
And yeah, lately (I guess I have been better or something) Mrs. Hammer has been acting Jealous of me, on and off or something, too. Wondering if I was having an affair when I was going to help on "Family Day," at a local rehab.
Wandered in on her chatting with her Gossip Girls that they should put a tail on me to see where I go (I had just came back from Church + an Open AA meeting). Made me laugh a lot a first, and even a little ego boost for me that she was Jealous . . . but then I pondered it a little.
So she is dealing with Jealousy. I know that feels bad, and I do not want her to feel bad.
So I have now made a sort of a point of letting her know where and when I am doing stuff so she does not feel she has to be worried about me, and she can work on her stuff.
Not saying she will work on her stuff, but at least I know my side is clean and clear.
And yeah, lately (I guess I have been better or something) Mrs. Hammer has been acting Jealous of me, on and off or something, too. Wondering if I was having an affair when I was going to help on "Family Day," at a local rehab.
Wandered in on her chatting with her Gossip Girls that they should put a tail on me to see where I go (I had just came back from Church + an Open AA meeting). Made me laugh a lot a first, and even a little ego boost for me that she was Jealous . . . but then I pondered it a little.
So she is dealing with Jealousy. I know that feels bad, and I do not want her to feel bad.
So I have now made a sort of a point of letting her know where and when I am doing stuff so she does not feel she has to be worried about me, and she can work on her stuff.
Not saying she will work on her stuff, but at least I know my side is clean and clear.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Glad you had some time to update Lewis, I'm pulling for you!
One thing - I don't think you are being mean at all by not answering questions she's not asking. If SHE has a problem/concern/issue with where you are spending your time she needs to verbalize it, start a conversation, not make assumptions. Believing her own assumptions is something for HER to work out, you don't have any responsibility in that... we can't go around reading the minds of those in our lives no matter what the nature of the relationship is. (spouse/child/parent/friend/coworker) Hang in there!!
One thing - I don't think you are being mean at all by not answering questions she's not asking. If SHE has a problem/concern/issue with where you are spending your time she needs to verbalize it, start a conversation, not make assumptions. Believing her own assumptions is something for HER to work out, you don't have any responsibility in that... we can't go around reading the minds of those in our lives no matter what the nature of the relationship is. (spouse/child/parent/friend/coworker) Hang in there!!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
yeah i agree with firesprite. you two are breaking up, you do not owe each other reports or info about who you are or are not dating (maybe an exception would be if the kids were present). anyway, i know that must be strange for you (and her) to change your mindset about that, but you are making great strides.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
I agree with FireSprite. You are not being mean. You are not feeding into her manipulation...you are detaching. I would guess that if she asked you straight out what you had been doing you would have told her...if she wants an honest answer then she can ask. If she wants to keep making assumptions and telling herself stories that is her problem.
Pulling for you, Lewis. I think you are doing great!!
Pulling for you, Lewis. I think you are doing great!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
Thanks for the update Lewis.
Just keep doing the next right thing (with honor and respect) and things will be better once the household is a bit more settled after her move.
Then she can focus on her, and you on you and the kids... As it should be.
This isn't easy, no matter what...
Hang in there, and know it's ok to voice where your head is at...that's what this place is all about!!
Just keep doing the next right thing (with honor and respect) and things will be better once the household is a bit more settled after her move.
Then she can focus on her, and you on you and the kids... As it should be.
This isn't easy, no matter what...
Hang in there, and know it's ok to voice where your head is at...that's what this place is all about!!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: London
Posts: 56
Well I'm with hammer,
It's not really applicable to me now, but when it was I used to reassure the wife about where I was and who I was with.
The last thing I would have wanted was for wife to be jealous along with all the other emotions, and if she thought that i was up to no good it would have just been more justification for even more drinking.
It's also hard for them to deal with break up, so making it any harder for them doesn't help anyone.
Keep the moral high ground i say, once she's moved out, she probably won't care much what your up to and visa versa. Sadly, It'll be your money she's after then, not the hot body!
It's not really applicable to me now, but when it was I used to reassure the wife about where I was and who I was with.
The last thing I would have wanted was for wife to be jealous along with all the other emotions, and if she thought that i was up to no good it would have just been more justification for even more drinking.
It's also hard for them to deal with break up, so making it any harder for them doesn't help anyone.
Keep the moral high ground i say, once she's moved out, she probably won't care much what your up to and visa versa. Sadly, It'll be your money she's after then, not the hot body!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
mildly annoying thing....
couple of days ago daughter moaned to me (via facebook...as kids do!) that her mum has been telling her mum (so, my daughters nan) that she is worried daughter is going home only to be used as a substitute housewife, etc
So daughter told me she has emailed her mum to say "butt out" - I didnt get involved.
Next night WIFE moans to me that daughter has told her to butt out when she had said nothing......so being an idiot I ask daughter to cut mum some slack as she hadnt spoken to her nan....so it's just nan being over protective.........only for daughter to explain that she has seen the texts from AW to her mum (nan) saying how I'll get daughter to do all the work, how I'm ill (yep...its ME thats ill!!!!)
So no daughter thinks I'm stupid for sticking up for drunk mum! errr....she's right!!
couple of days ago daughter moaned to me (via facebook...as kids do!) that her mum has been telling her mum (so, my daughters nan) that she is worried daughter is going home only to be used as a substitute housewife, etc
So daughter told me she has emailed her mum to say "butt out" - I didnt get involved.
Next night WIFE moans to me that daughter has told her to butt out when she had said nothing......so being an idiot I ask daughter to cut mum some slack as she hadnt spoken to her nan....so it's just nan being over protective.........only for daughter to explain that she has seen the texts from AW to her mum (nan) saying how I'll get daughter to do all the work, how I'm ill (yep...its ME thats ill!!!!)
So no daughter thinks I'm stupid for sticking up for drunk mum! errr....she's right!!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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There's a good book I read by Eric Berne, called games people play (or something like that)
Your probably too busy, but it helped me to understand, how not to get dragged into stupid things with the in laws, out laws, friends, etc, etc.
Your probably too busy, but it helped me to understand, how not to get dragged into stupid things with the in laws, out laws, friends, etc, etc.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by Dave1977w 
There's a good book I read by Eric Berne, called games people play (or something like that)
Your probably too busy, but it helped me to understand, how not to get dragged into stupid things with the in laws, out laws, friends, etc, etc.
Your probably too busy, but it helped me to understand, how not to get dragged into stupid things with the in laws, out laws, friends, etc, etc.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Well if you are doing downloads to Kindle, consider this one, too.
It is about How to STOP being a Caretaker -- which you are (still) doing now, and have been for sometime. While not saying your wife has a Personality Disorder (although many A's do), the guidelines in this apply for most of *us.*
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life: Margalis Fjelstad: 9781442220188: Amazon.com: Books
.
It is about How to STOP being a Caretaker -- which you are (still) doing now, and have been for sometime. While not saying your wife has a Personality Disorder (although many A's do), the guidelines in this apply for most of *us.*
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life: Margalis Fjelstad: 9781442220188: Amazon.com: Books
.
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Lewis, as, maybe? the only alcoholic on this thread I need to say this:
1. You are an extraordinary caring and thoughtful man.
2. You have talked more openly than anyone I have seen EVER on this site, and taken to heart what help you have been given.
3. Your wife might as well be in the movie "The Exorcist"; that is as much control as she has over her own actions as Linda Blair did as the character in the movie.
4. Have compassion and love for her while still detaching. Having been on both sides of this fence, gawd do I feel for your wife even as I applaud your actions.
5. With 97 delicate sober days again under my belt (and having had 21+ years sober before I gave in again to the devil), I can tell you I cannot guarantee it will never happen again. I can only remember EVERY DAY that I "have" this problem, and must do something every day to keep it in remission.
6. I hear all the anger from those who live with addicts, mostly unsuccessfully, sadly, and eventually, disastrously. Those of us who are addicts suffer greatly too, not just with the addiction, but with all the awful feelings of being useless, lousy humans who hurt not only ourselves, but others. Which is worse? I don't know, really. Dealing with husband #2 (i was sober, he was not) was pure hell, but so is being an active addict.
7. There is no easy answer. You are doing what MUST be done now. Detach with love, hope to save those kids (I grew up in an alcoholic family) and do NOT say "goodbye" to your wife, say "fare thee well". She might.
1. You are an extraordinary caring and thoughtful man.
2. You have talked more openly than anyone I have seen EVER on this site, and taken to heart what help you have been given.
3. Your wife might as well be in the movie "The Exorcist"; that is as much control as she has over her own actions as Linda Blair did as the character in the movie.
4. Have compassion and love for her while still detaching. Having been on both sides of this fence, gawd do I feel for your wife even as I applaud your actions.
5. With 97 delicate sober days again under my belt (and having had 21+ years sober before I gave in again to the devil), I can tell you I cannot guarantee it will never happen again. I can only remember EVERY DAY that I "have" this problem, and must do something every day to keep it in remission.
6. I hear all the anger from those who live with addicts, mostly unsuccessfully, sadly, and eventually, disastrously. Those of us who are addicts suffer greatly too, not just with the addiction, but with all the awful feelings of being useless, lousy humans who hurt not only ourselves, but others. Which is worse? I don't know, really. Dealing with husband #2 (i was sober, he was not) was pure hell, but so is being an active addict.
7. There is no easy answer. You are doing what MUST be done now. Detach with love, hope to save those kids (I grew up in an alcoholic family) and do NOT say "goodbye" to your wife, say "fare thee well". She might.
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