Is there any chance?
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Originally Posted by petmagnet 
In my experience with my AH, no one is going to change them and they may not ever change unless they are wanting to for themselves. If something happens to scare them enough as it pertains to them... not anyone else, but THEM, they may change for good, or not... only time will tell. I don't predict the future, but I see a relationship with a narcissistic alcoholic as one that may never get better unless it suits them, it generally seems to get worse. Many A's see no reason to stop drinking ever, if it's not affecting them personally in a negative way that's completely intolerable to them as an individual. Who knows what it will take to get your AH there.
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My ex AH was the perfect man before we got married also, that's what they do. They "hook" you. Mine actually admitted that to me one night... Looking back now, I can't believe I endured it for 8 miserable years, seven of which were mostly blurry nights. I have since regained my self-assurance, my intuition, my self-esteem, and my self-respect. Your list of what you deserve and what you currently have is so inspiring to reclaim those same things for yourself. Like Mike said, you are stronger than you ever thought. And if you ever feel weak, look at your list. You may not believe that everything happens for a reason, but I can emphatically assure you that it does. Have faith and one day in the future, you will have a moment of clarity. "No man is worth your tears, and the one that is will never make you cry." (((hugs)))
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Never say never, never say always. No one here is a fortune teller so predictions are out.
How do you feel about the marriage and his drinking? That's the critical point here ... not your husband's drinking but your reaction to it.
How do you feel about the marriage and his drinking? That's the critical point here ... not your husband's drinking but your reaction to it.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Never say never, never say always. No one here is a fortune teller so predictions are out.
How do you feel about the marriage and his drinking? That's the critical point here ... not your husband's drinking but your reaction to it.
How do you feel about the marriage and his drinking? That's the critical point here ... not your husband's drinking but your reaction to it.
I HATE it !!!!
I'm terrified for everyone on the road, I already reported him to the police department ( I cried for days to think I was even doing it. All I could think of was what a horrible wife I am. But I knew I needed to I could not be held blood guilty if he hurt someone and I knew)
Too be completely honest I don't care if he hurts himself because according to him and his pride he knows what he is doing. I am just terrified for everyone else.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Never say never, never say always. No one here is a fortune teller so predictions are out.
How do you feel about the marriage and his drinking? That's the critical point here ... not your husband's drinking but your reaction to it.
How do you feel about the marriage and his drinking? That's the critical point here ... not your husband's drinking but your reaction to it.
I think it goes beyond your reaction to his drinking, correct? We all know the only person we can change is ourselves and cannot control another person's thoughts, words, or behavior. That being said, you can only make choices for yourself based on what the situation is at this very moment, not who you hope he could potentially be. I think the alcohol is only exacerbating an already dysfunctional relationship. But that's only a guess based on my limited knowledge. Only you know in your heart where the truth and peace lie.
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Update** AH has been gone and I noticed little things like my house is clean, everything is in the same place as it was prior.
I feel the sense of calm I have read in prior posts. I have had the best night sleep ever lately and noticed I take my time if I need to make a decision instead of always feeling rushed.
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting Monday.
Who knows what tomorrow will be like but I'm only focused on today this hour this moment.
I feel the sense of calm I have read in prior posts. I have had the best night sleep ever lately and noticed I take my time if I need to make a decision instead of always feeling rushed.
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting Monday.
Who knows what tomorrow will be like but I'm only focused on today this hour this moment.
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I look back thinking how wishy washy I was. But i'm finally here and I'm jamming to Gloria Gayner "I will Survive" and George Strait " She Let herself Go" completely different artists I know but love the message just the same.
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Originally Posted by CaliButterfly
My ex AH was the perfect man before we got married also, that's what they do. They "hook" you. Mine actually admitted that to me one night... Looking back now, I can't believe I endured it for 8 miserable years, seven of which were mostly blurry nights. I have since regained my self-assurance, my intuition, my self-esteem, and my self-respect. Your list of what you deserve and what you currently have is so inspiring to reclaim those same things for yourself. Like Mike said, you are stronger than you ever thought. And if you ever feel weak, look at your list. You may not believe that everything happens for a reason, but I can emphatically assure you that it does. Have faith and one day in the future, you will have a moment of clarity. "No man is worth your tears, and the one that is will never make you cry." (((hugs)))
As I was explaining to him to leave his favorite line is " I don't know what to say" it drives me crazy he never answers my questions.
My thought process I tell myself "if I want to be disappointed and hurt call him and check on him."
If I want to keep healing stay on the right side of the road.
I'm just wonder if there is a difference in types of alcoholism.? Also keep in mind mine does marijuana. Apparently when he smokes he develops a tick of some sort so the alcohol mellows it out. I was told most people that do marijuana are mellow but in his situation it does the reverse. Any feedback would be great.
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Oh yes, it is much harder. They aren't wrong in their eyes, about anything. It's everyone else around them and they refuse to accept responsibility or accountability for their behavior. Mine would act the next day like nothing happened, and not because he didn't remember. I was verbally abused and never got an apology or an acknowledgement that it was wrong. No remorse, nothing. I often got "I don't know what to tell you" also. It was because he didn't have an excuse, explanation, and didn't care enough to want to change his behavior. And never, ever, ever was admitting he was wrong an option to him. After 4 years of his crap, me going back and believing he just needed support and understanding, I finally divorced him. And then I made the worst mistake of my life. I thought he had changed, and reconciled w him for another 4 years of hell. Remarried him, even! But while he wasn't as bad as originally, people are who they are at their core. They won't change for someone else. Period. It doesn't matter what kind of alcoholic he is, and it doesn't matter that he smokes pot too. That only exacerbates his poor relationship skills. Bottom line, if he isn't a loving, compassionate person to begin with, then if he decided by some miracle to live clean & sober, he still wouldn't be the man you probably want in your life. Try to remember, you can't hang on to hope that someone will change because you want them to, and you can't love "potential".
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Now, I'm not an expert, nor am I telling you what you should do... But you should consider yourself first and not worry about him and if he's ok. Because I could bet the farm that he isn't worried about how you're doing. You're best bet is to keep doing what you're doing. Educate yourself, find your peace & serenity in your new freedom from the emotional pain, and let every day take care of itself. If you are ever to have a healthy relationship with him, he will respect you more for not putting up with his crap and setting boundaries for what is acceptable and what's not. Otherwise, you will just continue to be treated the same way. And if he doesn't care enough, there's your answer, right?
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Originally Posted by CaliButterfly
Oh yes, it is much harder. They aren't wrong in their eyes, about anything. It's everyone else around them and they refuse to accept responsibility or accountability for their behavior. Mine would act the next day like nothing happened, and not because he didn't remember. I was verbally abused and never got an apology or an acknowledgement that it was wrong. No remorse, nothing. I often got "I don't know what to tell you" also. It was because he didn't have an excuse, explanation, and didn't care enough to want to change his behavior. And never, ever, ever was admitting he was wrong an option to him. After 4 years of his crap, me going back and believing he just needed support and understanding, I finally divorced him. And then I made the worst mistake of my life. I thought he had changed, and reconciled w him for another 4 years of hell. Remarried him, even! But while he wasn't as bad as originally, people are who they are at their core. They won't change for someone else. Period. It doesn't matter what kind of alcoholic he is, and it doesn't matter that he smokes pot too. That only exacerbates his poor relationship skills. Bottom line, if he isn't a loving, compassionate person to begin with, then if he decided by some miracle to live clean & sober, he still wouldn't be the man you probably want in your life. Try to remember, you can't hang on to hope that someone will change because you want them to, and you can't love "potential".
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Originally Posted by CaliButterfly
Now, I'm not an expert, nor am I telling you what you should do... But you should consider yourself first and not worry about him and if he's ok. Because I could bet the farm that he isn't worried about how you're doing. You're best bet is to keep doing what you're doing. Educate yourself, find your peace & serenity in your new freedom from the emotional pain, and let every day take care of itself. If you are ever to have a healthy relationship with him, he will respect you more for not putting up with his crap and setting boundaries for what is acceptable and what's not. Otherwise, you will just continue to be treated the same way. And if he doesn't care enough, there's your answer, right?
I love this quote I have" Sometimes, when you give up on someone, it's not because you don't care anymore, but you realize they don't.
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While alcoholics share the common thread of addiction, we are as unique as anyone else. Some of us are happy, some of us are volatile, some of us are silly, some of us are mean, some of us are mellow, some of us are obnoxious, some of us just fall asleep. IMHO, I think it just enhances our personality or brings out latent traits that are controlled when we are sober. And then again, there are people that alcohol completely changes their personality. A mixed bag of everything.
But I do like your quote about giving up. It's easier to let go when you know they simply don't care. It's great to hear that you see what's going on and moving forward in a positive direction. :-)
But I do like your quote about giving up. It's easier to let go when you know they simply don't care. It's great to hear that you see what's going on and moving forward in a positive direction. :-)
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Happy Monday everyone - So I wanted to ask opinions from this AWESOME truthful form.
My narcissistic alcoholic/druggie husband sent me a text asking me how I and the dogs doing?
To back track I don't think I mentioned the jist of the story of how he left the house.
So over the phone I proceeded to explain to him I would not put up with his lies and I would not put up with him coming home high and drunk to eventually pass out on the recliner.
I proceeded to tell him I have needs that are unfulfilled and dreams that are dead and this was not going to continue on.
I explained he needed help and if he wanted to stay married he needs to get help, and I will not allow him coming home high on drugs or even alcohol in my house (I drink but in moderation but I can live without it)
Anyhoo I then proceeded to tell him the ball was in his court if he comes home we can build an action plan if not no hard feelings, no drama no arguing go file the divorce papers and I would be happy to sign hung up the phone.
An hour later he was home. He told me he would cut down on the drugs and alcohol and that he would agree to one AA class but that was it no rehab he was not going to guarantee anything further than that because he wasn't going to stop drinking even if he only has 1 or 2 beers. (in my head that means i'm telling you what you want to hear but I have no intentions but I want to shut you up) I explained I highly recommend him getting help or at least look into it he might like it and that he needed to move out and if he chooses to go to a class I would go with him and to contact me when he does. I refuse to find a rehab or a class for him, I refuse to help him in anyway shape or form, I am done planning everything and doing everything for him. He can go back to his drug/alcoholic family
I have learned he has to want it for himself and I know he is not at this point in his life and i'm not going to wait 1 second let alone another 12 more years for him to finally hit rock bottom.
Call my actions mean, heartless, cold whatever, but he had 12 years for him to make changes before I found out anything and then 2.5 months ago when I finally found out the truth about EVERYTHING I have watched him and his actions very closely and saw he made no attempt to rectify his actions. In fact I started to see it getting worse I also explained this to him too. His response was " I might of taken it a little too far and this is why I hide it from you" and my favorite " I don't know what to say"
Now to date he hasn't called or texted me to see how is WIFE is doing, to see if I'm hungry, lonely nothing The sun has set and risen every day. The article " what addicts do" helped me alot and also
Why a Narcissist Inevitably Devalues & Discards (D&D) You
Why a Narcissist Inevitably Devalues & Discards (D&D) You | Lisa E. Scott has been spot on in my situation and of course Codependent no more.
I now can spot someone on drugs and drunk. To think his eyes were always red I thought he was sooo tired from working. how naive I was I never noticed someone pupils before hahahaha.
At first I wasn't going to text him back no contact -I'm doing AWESOME with out him, more happy days than sad hours since he has been gone.
Here is my question I did tell him I would go to a class with him so I want to poise the question if I should text him and only ask him if he has found a class yet or stay no contact? Or if he does hit rock bottom what usually happens will he come home with his tail between his legs or what?
I promise I'm not waiting by the door or window for him.
My narcissistic alcoholic/druggie husband sent me a text asking me how I and the dogs doing?
To back track I don't think I mentioned the jist of the story of how he left the house.
So over the phone I proceeded to explain to him I would not put up with his lies and I would not put up with him coming home high and drunk to eventually pass out on the recliner.
I proceeded to tell him I have needs that are unfulfilled and dreams that are dead and this was not going to continue on.
I explained he needed help and if he wanted to stay married he needs to get help, and I will not allow him coming home high on drugs or even alcohol in my house (I drink but in moderation but I can live without it)
Anyhoo I then proceeded to tell him the ball was in his court if he comes home we can build an action plan if not no hard feelings, no drama no arguing go file the divorce papers and I would be happy to sign hung up the phone.
An hour later he was home. He told me he would cut down on the drugs and alcohol and that he would agree to one AA class but that was it no rehab he was not going to guarantee anything further than that because he wasn't going to stop drinking even if he only has 1 or 2 beers. (in my head that means i'm telling you what you want to hear but I have no intentions but I want to shut you up) I explained I highly recommend him getting help or at least look into it he might like it and that he needed to move out and if he chooses to go to a class I would go with him and to contact me when he does. I refuse to find a rehab or a class for him, I refuse to help him in anyway shape or form, I am done planning everything and doing everything for him. He can go back to his drug/alcoholic family
I have learned he has to want it for himself and I know he is not at this point in his life and i'm not going to wait 1 second let alone another 12 more years for him to finally hit rock bottom.
Call my actions mean, heartless, cold whatever, but he had 12 years for him to make changes before I found out anything and then 2.5 months ago when I finally found out the truth about EVERYTHING I have watched him and his actions very closely and saw he made no attempt to rectify his actions. In fact I started to see it getting worse I also explained this to him too. His response was " I might of taken it a little too far and this is why I hide it from you" and my favorite " I don't know what to say"
Now to date he hasn't called or texted me to see how is WIFE is doing, to see if I'm hungry, lonely nothing The sun has set and risen every day. The article " what addicts do" helped me alot and also
Why a Narcissist Inevitably Devalues & Discards (D&D) You
Why a Narcissist Inevitably Devalues & Discards (D&D) You | Lisa E. Scott has been spot on in my situation and of course Codependent no more.
I now can spot someone on drugs and drunk. To think his eyes were always red I thought he was sooo tired from working. how naive I was I never noticed someone pupils before hahahaha.
At first I wasn't going to text him back no contact -I'm doing AWESOME with out him, more happy days than sad hours since he has been gone.
Here is my question I did tell him I would go to a class with him so I want to poise the question if I should text him and only ask him if he has found a class yet or stay no contact? Or if he does hit rock bottom what usually happens will he come home with his tail between his legs or what?
I promise I'm not waiting by the door or window for him.
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Here is my question I did tell him I would go to a class with him so I want to poise the question if I should text him and only ask him if he has found a class yet or stay no contact? Or if he does hit rock bottom what usually happens will he come home with his tail between his legs or what?
I promise I'm not waiting by the door or window for him.
pretty sure your stand was HANDS OFF right? if HE found a class, found God, found hope, HE would contact you. as it is he kept HIS text to how you and the dogs are doing. you can reply to that or not. but to go from there to wanting to ASK if he had found a class yet is quite a leap eh?
I promise I'm not waiting by the door or window for him.
pretty sure your stand was HANDS OFF right? if HE found a class, found God, found hope, HE would contact you. as it is he kept HIS text to how you and the dogs are doing. you can reply to that or not. but to go from there to wanting to ASK if he had found a class yet is quite a leap eh?
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I did tell him I would go to a class with him
What result are you hoping for here? AA is for him if he chooses sobriety. I don't understand why you would even be going to a meeting with him. If he chooses sobriety he needs to do the work on his own. If he's just doing all of this to appease you and maintain the relationship status quo, then I think that remaining nc is the healthiest option for you, because he will soon revert to his old behaviors. Have you checked out Alanon? That will do more to help YOU than dragging him to AA.
What result are you hoping for here? AA is for him if he chooses sobriety. I don't understand why you would even be going to a meeting with him. If he chooses sobriety he needs to do the work on his own. If he's just doing all of this to appease you and maintain the relationship status quo, then I think that remaining nc is the healthiest option for you, because he will soon revert to his old behaviors. Have you checked out Alanon? That will do more to help YOU than dragging him to AA.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Here is my question I did tell him I would go to a class with him so I want to poise the question if I should text him and only ask him if he has found a class yet or stay no contact? Or if he does hit rock bottom what usually happens will he come home with his tail between his legs or what?
I promise I'm not waiting by the door or window for him.
pretty sure your stand was HANDS OFF right? if HE found a class, found God, found hope, HE would contact you. as it is he kept HIS text to how you and the dogs are doing. you can reply to that or not. but to go from there to wanting to ASK if he had found a class yet is quite a leap eh?
I promise I'm not waiting by the door or window for him.
pretty sure your stand was HANDS OFF right? if HE found a class, found God, found hope, HE would contact you. as it is he kept HIS text to how you and the dogs are doing. you can reply to that or not. but to go from there to wanting to ASK if he had found a class yet is quite a leap eh?
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
I did tell him I would go to a class with him
What result are you hoping for here? AA is for him if he chooses sobriety. I don't understand why you would even be going to a meeting with him. If he chooses sobriety he needs to do the work on his own. If he's just doing all of this to appease you and maintain the relationship status quo, then I think that remaining nc is the healthiest option for you, because he will soon revert to his old behaviors. Have you checked out Alanon? That will do more to help YOU than dragging him to AA.
What result are you hoping for here? AA is for him if he chooses sobriety. I don't understand why you would even be going to a meeting with him. If he chooses sobriety he needs to do the work on his own. If he's just doing all of this to appease you and maintain the relationship status quo, then I think that remaining nc is the healthiest option for you, because he will soon revert to his old behaviors. Have you checked out Alanon? That will do more to help YOU than dragging him to AA.
Either way I am fine on my own.
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