Is there any chance?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
You are doing so well on your side of the street. Let him take care of his.
He didn't bring it up... So he probably hasn't done it or is not interested in sharing that with you.
Stick to your recovery dear! He will (or won't) figure his out as well... (((Hugs)))
He didn't bring it up... So he probably hasn't done it or is not interested in sharing that with you.
Stick to your recovery dear! He will (or won't) figure his out as well... (((Hugs)))
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
In my opinion, no contact. You have said what you said and sticking by it is the best thing you can do. As you said, he has to want it FOR HIMSELF. Just because he asked how you and the dogs are doing does not say "I'm ready for a meeting." And in my opinion, you don't have to go to meetings with him. He is a big boy. If he truly wants to go to a meeting he will go...without you standing there to push him in the door. If you go to meetings...go for you. Get support for you.
In my opinion those who go to AA meetings together are actually hampering the other person. For example, if I were to go to my husband's small group at CR (not possible, Celebrate Recovery separates men and women) he would feel like he had to say things that are pleasing to me and quite possibly not be honest to those around him. I hope when he goes to meetings he goes in there and is honest around those around him in getting support and what is going on in his life.
I am too close to the situation. I cannot be his sponsor or his accountability partner...or his mother. It has taken me a long time to figure all of these things out because I love to CONTROL!
I hope I have not offended you, just wanted to offer up the other side of the coin here.
I think you are doing great!
BTW...you have a right in the future if he asks you to go to a meeting to say no, that you have researched and found it is really not a good idea to go together. You only have to own up to you...no one else!
In my opinion those who go to AA meetings together are actually hampering the other person. For example, if I were to go to my husband's small group at CR (not possible, Celebrate Recovery separates men and women) he would feel like he had to say things that are pleasing to me and quite possibly not be honest to those around him. I hope when he goes to meetings he goes in there and is honest around those around him in getting support and what is going on in his life.
I am too close to the situation. I cannot be his sponsor or his accountability partner...or his mother. It has taken me a long time to figure all of these things out because I love to CONTROL!
I hope I have not offended you, just wanted to offer up the other side of the coin here.
I think you are doing great!
BTW...you have a right in the future if he asks you to go to a meeting to say no, that you have researched and found it is really not a good idea to go together. You only have to own up to you...no one else!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Kat60- hopeful4- Thank you makes a lot of sense.
hopeful4 you didn't offend me I am one of those people that don't like sugar coating.
I learned this setting on my cellphone called privacy where I don't have to see the text message. awesome!!
hopeful4 you didn't offend me I am one of those people that don't like sugar coating.
I learned this setting on my cellphone called privacy where I don't have to see the text message. awesome!!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Melbourne Beach, FL
Posts: 253
It's good to hear that you understand that you can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself. My ex took the same stance that he wasn't going to stop completely, and gave up our marriage for the alcohol. Staying silent and taking the "no contact" stance speaks volumes. If he isn't readily offering information on his self-improvement, he likely is only asking how you're doing so you'll cave in and let him come home. No change. Sounds like you're doing awesome, and I'd high-five you if I could!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
You are doing really well!!! Stick with it and with us!!!
It took me 15 years to get out of my situation... I so wish I didn't waste all that time on him...
When I did leave and go no contact, honest to god I have never said another word to him or him to me. I was so done...
But I have slipped up since then with other men... My "picker" was pretty broken and bad, LOL!!!
But I'm working on me now and it's oh SO much better!!!!
It took me 15 years to get out of my situation... I so wish I didn't waste all that time on him...
When I did leave and go no contact, honest to god I have never said another word to him or him to me. I was so done...
But I have slipped up since then with other men... My "picker" was pretty broken and bad, LOL!!!
But I'm working on me now and it's oh SO much better!!!!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
That made me laugh Kat! Glad you and your "picker" are better!!!!
Originally Posted by Kat60 
But I have slipped up since then with other men... My "picker" was pretty broken and bad, LOL!!!
But I'm working on me now and it's oh SO much better!!!!
But I'm working on me now and it's oh SO much better!!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by CaliButterfly
It's good to hear that you understand that you can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself. My ex took the same stance that he wasn't going to stop completely, and gave up our marriage for the alcohol. Staying silent and taking the "no contact" stance speaks volumes. If he isn't readily offering information on his self-improvement, he likely is only asking how you're doing so you'll cave in and let him come home. No change. Sounds like you're doing awesome, and I'd high-five you if I could!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
This just came to mind so I wanted to share....
When I started reading Codependent No More and begin working the activities I worked them in my head not writing anything down. Then I told myself do it right and start putting down my thoughts, so I thought ok I will type it on the computer so it is nice and neat. The thought of pen to paper was unheard of.
I sucked it up grabbed an actual writing utensil and paper and away I went to.
Looking back at my notes the hurt in my handwriting (not necessary the words) is very strong. I can see when I am upset how my handwriting is very different than when I am calm and happy. I don't know if this makes sense but thought I would share. Has anyone else noticed it?
When I started reading Codependent No More and begin working the activities I worked them in my head not writing anything down. Then I told myself do it right and start putting down my thoughts, so I thought ok I will type it on the computer so it is nice and neat. The thought of pen to paper was unheard of.
I sucked it up grabbed an actual writing utensil and paper and away I went to.
Looking back at my notes the hurt in my handwriting (not necessary the words) is very strong. I can see when I am upset how my handwriting is very different than when I am calm and happy. I don't know if this makes sense but thought I would share. Has anyone else noticed it?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Mine is the same way. I can especially see it in my step study books. About half way through I started color coding my ink, making my negative thoughts red ink. That too was powerful. (crazy I know, but it is something our step leader has us do to see our positive and negative thoughts).
Some days my handwriting is neat and clean. Others it is scrawling and much more chaotic. On those days lots more red. Interesting.
Some days my handwriting is neat and clean. Others it is scrawling and much more chaotic. On those days lots more red. Interesting.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Never say never, never say always. No one here is a fortune teller so predictions are out.
How do you feel about the marriage and his drinking? That's the critical point here ... not your husband's drinking but your reaction to it.
How do you feel about the marriage and his drinking? That's the critical point here ... not your husband's drinking but your reaction to it.
Some of your questions like should you go to a meeting with him... the answers are yours and perhaps the answer should be whatever your answer to "Do I WANT to go?" is.
I know how hard it is to set and maintain boundaries but they are the one thing we can truly control and they are one size fits one. It took me a long time to understand that setting a boundary is not an aggressive thing, it is purely defensive in nature because we establish boundaries in OUR space, not someone else's and we have a right -every person has a right - to decide for themselves what is and is not acceptable to them and then to reject that which they cannot or choose not to accept.
You sound like you are doing impressively well. You may be a little too sane but nobody is perfect ;-)
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Mine is the same way. I can especially see it in my step study books. About half way through I started color coding my ink, making my negative thoughts red ink. That too was powerful. (crazy I know, but it is something our step leader has us do to see our positive and negative thoughts).
Some days my handwriting is neat and clean. Others it is scrawling and much more chaotic. On those days lots more red. Interesting.
Some days my handwriting is neat and clean. Others it is scrawling and much more chaotic. On those days lots more red. Interesting.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by PohsFriend
Amen... one size fits one and few truths are universal.
Some of your questions like should you go to a meeting with him... the answers are yours and perhaps the answer should be whatever your answer to "Do I WANT to go?" is.
I know how hard it is to set and maintain boundaries but they are the one thing we can truly control and they are one size fits one. It took me a long time to understand that setting a boundary is not an aggressive thing, it is purely defensive in nature because we establish boundaries in OUR space, not someone else's and we have a right -every person has a right - to decide for themselves what is and is not acceptable to them and then to reject that which they cannot or choose not to accept.
You sound like you are doing impressively well. You may be a little too sane but nobody is perfect ;-)
Some of your questions like should you go to a meeting with him... the answers are yours and perhaps the answer should be whatever your answer to "Do I WANT to go?" is.
I know how hard it is to set and maintain boundaries but they are the one thing we can truly control and they are one size fits one. It took me a long time to understand that setting a boundary is not an aggressive thing, it is purely defensive in nature because we establish boundaries in OUR space, not someone else's and we have a right -every person has a right - to decide for themselves what is and is not acceptable to them and then to reject that which they cannot or choose not to accept.
You sound like you are doing impressively well. You may be a little too sane but nobody is perfect ;-)
and 
and 
now at this point on this day at this moment I am 
Ask me again tomorrow who knows lol.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by liloleme
"narcissistic alcoholic" wow that word popped in my head awhile back but I doubted it . This is why I appreciate everyone's post. I feel like I have a spark in me again.
These situations are so difficult because an alcoholic's personality can change when they've been drinking heavily for a long time....
But here's the main difference....
If someone is just (well, I don't mean "Just") an alcoholic and they stop drinking and work a program of recovery, the pleasant personality they originally had will start to emerge once again....(I have seen this happen.....)
However, and this is a HUGE however.......
If the person you are referring to is Narcissistic, he can stop drinking, but his personality traits will remain the same.....
Since I don't know him, it's hard to say for sure, but if he does have a personality disorder, you're unfortunately in for a miserable life if you stay with him.....
It took me years to break ties with my narcissistic ex and it practically crippled me emotionally....
In fact, I met up with a friend of mine who I haven't seen in a while and she showed me some old pictures from my 34th birthday....
(I'll be 38 this March) and I was like..."OMG, who is THAT girl???"
I was overweight, and although I had a smile on my face, I can't believe how worn out I looked.....
Although, I am a few years older now, I look so much better....
Now, not that this is about looks.....
My point is......the abuse one goes through with a narcissist is so insidious, you don't even realize it's happening to you.....
In both cases, with the Alcoholism and the Narcissism, you are dealing with someone who is completely and utterly self-absorbed.....
And this is how they are....I promise this has nothing to do with you at all.....
I know I had a hard time not taking things personally....
In fact, there are moments that I still have to work on that.....
Let him do his thing, if that's what he "thinks" works for him....
In the meantime, do what works for you....What he thinks of you is totally irrelevant.....
Gosh....I am so sick and tired of good people getting mistreated.....
It unfortunately speaks to what we've all let the human condition become....
Best wishes....
Linda
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