Is there any chance?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Is there any chance?
I think I know the answer but thought I would ask (for confirmation, having a hard time trusting in my thoughts)
My AH has alcoholism on both sides of the family. No one has ever become a recovering A that I am aware of. Stokes, heart bypass surgery, dying from alcoholism no problem every weekend is a good excuse to get together drink beer do drugs throw horseshoes around (life is good for them). I do have to say he doesn't wake up and grab a beer yet!! He also has not gotten a DUI so he feels like he is invincible. And he prides himself to tell me he has never laid a hand on me or anyone else ever.
My AH doesn't show any compassion or empathy for me or anyone. I "think" I'm no expert but even if he hits rock bottom he won't do anything about it. Is it safe to say my situation will never get better it will only get worse?
My AH has alcoholism on both sides of the family. No one has ever become a recovering A that I am aware of. Stokes, heart bypass surgery, dying from alcoholism no problem every weekend is a good excuse to get together drink beer do drugs throw horseshoes around (life is good for them). I do have to say he doesn't wake up and grab a beer yet!! He also has not gotten a DUI so he feels like he is invincible. And he prides himself to tell me he has never laid a hand on me or anyone else ever.
My AH doesn't show any compassion or empathy for me or anyone. I "think" I'm no expert but even if he hits rock bottom he won't do anything about it. Is it safe to say my situation will never get better it will only get worse?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Weekends can be quiet on SR.
I can't predict the future of your husband's alcoholism.
If you do not feel you are being treated with the love and respect you deserve, that is a valid reason to consider changing your relationship status.
I can't predict the future of your husband's alcoholism.
If you do not feel you are being treated with the love and respect you deserve, that is a valid reason to consider changing your relationship status.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
Dear lilolme....
I'm so sorry you are worried and suffering. I am in a similar place and I hear you. I don't know what the future brings for me.... I hope there is a chance for your H. I'm not feeling hopeful at the moment bc we are coming off a very bad weekend.
Take care of yourself. There is ALWAYS hope for those willing to get help, even if it's NOT the Alcoholic who gets well.
Beat wishes.
L
I'm so sorry you are worried and suffering. I am in a similar place and I hear you. I don't know what the future brings for me.... I hope there is a chance for your H. I'm not feeling hopeful at the moment bc we are coming off a very bad weekend.
Take care of yourself. There is ALWAYS hope for those willing to get help, even if it's NOT the Alcoholic who gets well.
Beat wishes.
L
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: The planet Earth, or at least that's what I've been told.
Posts: 130
Lil -
I don't think anyone can tell you for certain what will happen with your AH. From my own experience with my best friend, he got better and has been sober for 2 years. But then I've also had family members die from alcoholism, so it's kind of a mixed bag.
The real question is, why are you with him? Are you with him because you love him or are you with him because you feel obligated? That's really what matters.
I've been in relationships where I felt obligated to stay with the person. It's not a good feeling. The relationship felt dead and empty. I eventually left that relationship and my only regret is not leaving sooner.
So to answer your question, it can get much worse or it can get better. But do you really want to be with him? That's what matters.
C
I don't think anyone can tell you for certain what will happen with your AH. From my own experience with my best friend, he got better and has been sober for 2 years. But then I've also had family members die from alcoholism, so it's kind of a mixed bag.
The real question is, why are you with him? Are you with him because you love him or are you with him because you feel obligated? That's really what matters.
I've been in relationships where I felt obligated to stay with the person. It's not a good feeling. The relationship felt dead and empty. I eventually left that relationship and my only regret is not leaving sooner.
So to answer your question, it can get much worse or it can get better. But do you really want to be with him? That's what matters.
C
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Melbourne Beach, FL
Posts: 253
Unfortunately, an alcoholic that does not see he has a problem or is too self-absorbed to care how it affects others will likely not change his behavior. For him, life is good. And simply not laying a hand on his wife does not make him a good husband. I was in a similar situation and determined I wanted more for my life. I wanted to stop drinking, he did not. He had no compassion or empathy. It was all about him, so I left, got sober, and feel better alone than I ever did being married & neglected. While you may not be an alcoholic, living with one can be depressing and frustrating. If your relationship isn't what you want it to be, you have two choices. Sit down with him when he's sober and talk to him about your concerns, without attacking or accusing. Determine if the relationship is important to him and if he wants to make things better. If he is content with status quo and you're not, you always have the option to change your situation. The end of one path is always the beginning of another. The best of luck to you...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by CaliButterfly 
Unfortunately, an alcoholic that does not see he has a problem or is too self-absorbed to care how it affects others will likely not change his behavior. For him, life is good. And simply not laying a hand on his wife does not make him a good husband. I was in a similar situation and determined I wanted more for my life. I wanted to stop drinking, he did not. He had no compassion or empathy. It was all about him, so I left, got sober, and feel better alone than I ever did being married & neglected. While you may not be an alcoholic, living with one can be depressing and frustrating. If your relationship isn't what you want it to be, you have two choices. Sit down with him when he's sober and talk to him about your concerns, without attacking or accusing. Determine if the relationship is important to him and if he wants to make things better. If he is content with status quo and you're not, you always have the option to change your situation. The end of one path is always the beginning of another. The best of luck to you...
This has been one of the most frustrating and saddest experience in my life.
I have been reading so many experiences and the hurt I feel for everyone. I just want to stop everyones pain on this forum.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi liloleme, I've been where you are and understand what you are going through.
I was married to my AW for 36 years before we separated and doubted my decision a lot in the beginning. Then a couple of good things happened. I continued to read and post on this forum and started AlAnon. They were both life savers.
What I learned was I needed to focus on my recovery. What she did or didn't do was up to her. I learned the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
I also learned that my happiness counts and I am allowed to make decisions that are right for me. I don't need someone else's approval to take care of me.
Because of this my life turned around. We have been separated for almost 3 years now and I am content and happy. I no longer have the daily drama, the self doubts and have built a new relationship with myself. I am in a good place.
I can't and won't tell you what is right for you, you have to figure that out for yourself, but I can tell you that working a recovery can change your life for the better. So there is always hope, it can get better and you are stronger than you can ever imagine.
Your friend,
I was married to my AW for 36 years before we separated and doubted my decision a lot in the beginning. Then a couple of good things happened. I continued to read and post on this forum and started AlAnon. They were both life savers.
What I learned was I needed to focus on my recovery. What she did or didn't do was up to her. I learned the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
I also learned that my happiness counts and I am allowed to make decisions that are right for me. I don't need someone else's approval to take care of me.
Because of this my life turned around. We have been separated for almost 3 years now and I am content and happy. I no longer have the daily drama, the self doubts and have built a new relationship with myself. I am in a good place.
I can't and won't tell you what is right for you, you have to figure that out for yourself, but I can tell you that working a recovery can change your life for the better. So there is always hope, it can get better and you are stronger than you can ever imagine.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
There's no telling what may or may not happen in the future. We call that "future-tripping" around here. 
Some of the best advice I've learned here is that we can't make our decisons based on what we THINK may happen tomorrow, or next year or 3 years from now. All we can do is make the decisions that are best FOR US based on what is happening RIGHT NOW, especially when we've been living in a bad cycle of already. (wash, rinse, repeat; wash, rinse, repeat)
Some of the best advice I've learned here is that we can't make our decisons based on what we THINK may happen tomorrow, or next year or 3 years from now. All we can do is make the decisions that are best FOR US based on what is happening RIGHT NOW, especially when we've been living in a bad cycle of already. (wash, rinse, repeat; wash, rinse, repeat)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by m1k3
Hi liloleme, I've been where you are and understand what you are going through.
I was married to my AW for 36 years before we separated and doubted my decision a lot in the beginning. Then a couple of good things happened. I continued to read and post on this forum and started AlAnon. They were both life savers.
What I learned was I needed to focus on my recovery. What she did or didn't do was up to her. I learned the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
I also learned that my happiness counts and I am allowed to make decisions that are right for me. I don't need someone else's approval to take care of me.
Because of this my life turned around. We have been separated for almost 3 years now and I am content and happy. I no longer have the daily drama, the self doubts and have built a new relationship with myself. I am in a good place.
I can't and won't tell you what is right for you, you have to figure that out for yourself, but I can tell you that working a recovery can change your life for the better. So there is always hope, it can get better and you are stronger than you can ever imagine.
Your friend,
I was married to my AW for 36 years before we separated and doubted my decision a lot in the beginning. Then a couple of good things happened. I continued to read and post on this forum and started AlAnon. They were both life savers.
What I learned was I needed to focus on my recovery. What she did or didn't do was up to her. I learned the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
I also learned that my happiness counts and I am allowed to make decisions that are right for me. I don't need someone else's approval to take care of me.
Because of this my life turned around. We have been separated for almost 3 years now and I am content and happy. I no longer have the daily drama, the self doubts and have built a new relationship with myself. I am in a good place.
I can't and won't tell you what is right for you, you have to figure that out for yourself, but I can tell you that working a recovery can change your life for the better. So there is always hope, it can get better and you are stronger than you can ever imagine.
Your friend,
What makes me happy and what I have:
What makes me happy: Feeling safe and protected
What I have: Someone that will run and care only of himself and leave me behind
What makes me happy : Feeling appreciated
What I have: Someone that expects me to have dinner cooking and his clothes washed
What makes me happy: I want to save my money and travel
What I have: Someone that wants to spend money on alcohol and drugs and then find out he has loans around town. (credit check)
What makes me happy: I want to go see a movie.
What I have: Someone that has spent their paycheck buying beer and always complaining how everyone else is wrong at work
What makes me happy: I want to be hugged and complimented.
What I have: Someone who won't touch me unless he is in the mood (sorry if TMI) and tells me I am too needy
What makes me happy: I want to go for walks hand in hand and enjoy nature
What I have: Someone that goes fishing without me and tells me I am too clingy and he likes to be alone and we don't have to be around each other all the time.
What makes me happy: Inviting friends for wholesome entertainment
What I have: I'm too ashamed to invite friends over he tells me I need to be the center of attention so I never do.
What makes me happy: Not wondering if he is texting women on phone
What I have: A liar and will delete text messages but says he hasn't committed adultery and that I need to not be jealous
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Hi lilome;
Your list kind of answers the more important questions.
Nobody can predict the future.
What I have found most disturbing about your situation is that
he has been lying from before the time you married.
He lied about having another vehicle, being at work,
having another entire place to live, and about who know what else.
He left you alone to live, in essence, another life.
The lack of morals to me is much more of a dealbreaker to me than
the active drinking / drugs even though that is rotten too.
I don't buy this behavior was "caused" by the addiction
or will be "cured" by his stopping drinking or drugs.
From your list he nothing but your financial support which sounds a bit shaky
if he has loans all over town.
You seem to get little or no physical intimacy, emotional caring, or common
long-term goals to work towards together.
This are the issues I would consider when you think about your next steps.
The future, with your careful planning and honest inventory, and action to
support that planning, will take care of itself
Your list kind of answers the more important questions.
Nobody can predict the future.
What I have found most disturbing about your situation is that
he has been lying from before the time you married.
He lied about having another vehicle, being at work,
having another entire place to live, and about who know what else.
He left you alone to live, in essence, another life.
The lack of morals to me is much more of a dealbreaker to me than
the active drinking / drugs even though that is rotten too.
I don't buy this behavior was "caused" by the addiction
or will be "cured" by his stopping drinking or drugs.
From your list he nothing but your financial support which sounds a bit shaky
if he has loans all over town.
You seem to get little or no physical intimacy, emotional caring, or common
long-term goals to work towards together.
This are the issues I would consider when you think about your next steps.
The future, with your careful planning and honest inventory, and action to
support that planning, will take care of itself
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi Mike- I go to my first Al-Anon tonight and can't wait. I'm not asking for much from him. Its not like i'm asking AH to run for presidency. I don't live a champagne life on a beer budget. I could be dirt poor if i'm emotionally taken care of. I sometime feel I was born in the wrong era.I wrote down a list of what makes me happy and discovered I deserve what I want. I decided to post it in hopes it might help others. I love the 3 C's and I believe it.
Being willing to take responsibility to take care of my own happiness was a big first step.
As for what you are asking your AH, well you are asking him to change, to be someone else. He has the right to live his life the way he wants to, just as you do.
I think your list was a big step in starting to look at reality as it is. You know what you want and what you have.
Be gentle and patient with yourself. You have opened your eyes to your reality but remember you don't have to change this very minute.
Remember, we are all here to help. You are in a good place where people understand what you are going through because we have all either been there or are still there.
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Hi lilome;
Your list kind of answers the more important questions.
Nobody can predict the future.
What I have found most disturbing about your situation is that
he has been lying from before the time you married.
He lied about having another vehicle, being at work,
having another entire place to live, and about who know what else.
He left you alone to live, in essence, another life.
The lack of morals to me is much more of a dealbreaker to me than
the active drinking / drugs even though that is rotten too.
I don't buy this behavior was "caused" by the addiction
or will be "cured" by his stopping drinking or drugs.
From your list he nothing but your financial support which sounds a bit shaky
if he has loans all over town.
You seem to get little or no physical intimacy, emotional caring, or common
long-term goals to work towards together.
This are the issues I would consider when you think about your next steps.
The future, with your careful planning and honest inventory, and action to
support that planning, will take care of itself
Your list kind of answers the more important questions.
Nobody can predict the future.
What I have found most disturbing about your situation is that
he has been lying from before the time you married.
He lied about having another vehicle, being at work,
having another entire place to live, and about who know what else.
He left you alone to live, in essence, another life.
The lack of morals to me is much more of a dealbreaker to me than
the active drinking / drugs even though that is rotten too.
I don't buy this behavior was "caused" by the addiction
or will be "cured" by his stopping drinking or drugs.
From your list he nothing but your financial support which sounds a bit shaky
if he has loans all over town.
You seem to get little or no physical intimacy, emotional caring, or common
long-term goals to work towards together.
This are the issues I would consider when you think about your next steps.
The future, with your careful planning and honest inventory, and action to
support that planning, will take care of itself
the active drinking / drugs even though that is rotten too"
Before we got married he believed in God, loved me (acted I should say) Opened doors and showered me with affection.
After we got married his true colors came out slowly all of a sudden he doesn't believe in God or the Bible then tells me how needy I am etc etc.
Everyone's input and telling me there viewpoint is really helping me.
I'm sorry if i'm rehashing my situation yesterday I was having a hard time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
No problems liloleme;
Rehash all you need to. It isn't an easy thing you are working through here.
Like hopeful says, the most important person to us is you and how you deal with / feel about this situation.
Sending you hugs too--
Rehash all you need to. It isn't an easy thing you are working through here.
Like hopeful says, the most important person to us is you and how you deal with / feel about this situation.
Sending you hugs too--
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Melbourne Beach, FL
Posts: 253
Ok, liloleme, I just read your other posts from New Year's Eve & New Year's Day. Mind you, this is IMHO.... I had no idea the extent to which his disattachment has gone. Your research and note from the "Addict Jon" is dead on. Not to mention, it seems pretty obvious that you are only there to be his caretaker and fulfill his "needs". Like a toy on a shelf. He does not respect you, honor you, or care about you. I deeply apologize if this hurts to read, but alcoholic narcissists will flip everything around to make it your fault or make you believe that you are "making something out of nothing". They will boldly lie to your face, even when you know the truth. They will make you feel worthless and unsure of your every thought. How do I know? Yep, been there, done that. So instead of beating him, I joined him. And then nothing else mattered. A year and a half ago I woke up when my kids told me it was killing them to see me like that. Their stepdad was reducing their mother to a mindless drunk. I have never been so ashamed in all my life. Believe in yourself and reclaim your life. You are not wrong when you ask for compassion, respect, tenderness, and love. You are not needy or clingy. You deserve someone who will cherish you for the wonderful person you are. I made my life for myself better, and my boys are so much happier and respect their mom again. Believe in yourself, and trust your instinct. He's not worth your pain.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 121
In my experience with my AH, no one is going to change them and they may not ever change unless they are wanting to for themselves. If something happens to scare them enough as it pertains to them... not anyone else, but THEM, they may change for good, or not... only time will tell. I don't predict the future, but I see a relationship with a narcissistic alcoholic as one that may never get better unless it suits them, it generally seems to get worse. Many A's see no reason to stop drinking ever, if it's not affecting them personally in a negative way that's completely intolerable to them as an individual. Who knows what it will take to get your AH there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by CaliButterfly
Ok, liloleme, I just read your other posts from New Year's Eve & New Year's Day. Mind you, this is IMHO.... I had no idea the extent to which his disattachment has gone. Your research and note from the "Addict Jon" is dead on. Not to mention, it seems pretty obvious that you are only there to be his caretaker and fulfill his "needs". Like a toy on a shelf. He does not respect you, honor you, or care about you. I deeply apologize if this hurts to read, but alcoholic narcissists will flip everything around to make it your fault or make you believe that you are "making something out of nothing". They will boldly lie to your face, even when you know the truth. They will make you feel worthless and unsure of your every thought. How do I know? Yep, been there, done that. So instead of beating him, I joined him. And then nothing else mattered. A year and a half ago I woke up when my kids told me it was killing them to see me like that. Their stepdad was reducing their mother to a mindless drunk. I have never been so ashamed in all my life. Believe in yourself and reclaim your life. You are not wrong when you ask for compassion, respect, tenderness, and love. You are not needy or clingy. You deserve someone who will cherish you for the wonderful person you are. I made my life for myself better, and my boys are so much happier and respect their mom again. Believe in yourself, and trust your instinct. He's not worth your pain.
I am so sorry you went through this but I see you better yourself ((hugs)))
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