He left me without a word
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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Doing couples counseling with an actively drinking alcoholic is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. Until he is sober and working a program, it isn't worth the trouble or spending the money.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by NWGRITS 
Cancel the appointment with the therapist. Doing couples counseling with an actively drinking alcoholic is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. Until he is sober and working a program, it isn't worth the trouble or spending the money. And ultimatums are loaded weapons that can turn around and fire back at you. If HE wants it, he'll do it. If he doesn't, he won't. With or without you there. Looks like he chose to NOT do it, WITHOUT you there.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by suddenlysingle
I meant that I have an appointment for myself. If he shows up before then, I'll ask him to come along. And I guess it would be necessary for me to consider taking steps to be together. I guess that's an ultimatum, but I prefer to see it as giving him a chance. And my insurance covers it. I NEED to talk with a therapist for me; whether he returns or not.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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I'm glad you're going to a therapist, but Nwgrits is right. An active alcoholic can not benefit from therapy. I tried that for a year, until I finally saw the light. If it's your insurance, then use it for you. He has left you, without warning, in distress. Yet you want to give him a chance. To do what? Until he is seeking active recovery, you are spinning your wheels.
I am not trying to be harsh. My brother used to take off every holiday, leaving my parents in distress. I still remember the Christmas he disappeared for days. Cell phone dead. They thought he was dead. Christmas Day I held my poor aging father in my arms as he sobbed. My brother was sleeping in his truck behind a grocery store the whole time. The cops finally found him and he came home. And my folks let him back. To this day they refuse to set boundaries, and he continues to cause them grief.
Take care of you. Go to the therapist for you. Find AlAnon for you.
I am not trying to be harsh. My brother used to take off every holiday, leaving my parents in distress. I still remember the Christmas he disappeared for days. Cell phone dead. They thought he was dead. Christmas Day I held my poor aging father in my arms as he sobbed. My brother was sleeping in his truck behind a grocery store the whole time. The cops finally found him and he came home. And my folks let him back. To this day they refuse to set boundaries, and he continues to cause them grief.
Take care of you. Go to the therapist for you. Find AlAnon for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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Should it turn out that he is out of touch not because he is unconscious or stranded on a remote island but because he has consciously chosen not to communicate with you for this agonizing number of days, I would label this mental abuse in the form of the silent treatment. You might google that subject and become educated about what the silent treatment is, why people hurt others with it, and what it does to the psyche and the self-esteem of the person on the receiving end. It is a very cruel form of mental punishment. It is an unacceptable, completely unacceptable, behavior in a marriage. Alcoholism is no excuse.
Should he show up and say he just wanted to get a break from you and from real life, then I hope you can find your backbone and put an end to this kind of victimization. It is too cruel.
Should he show up and say he just wanted to get a break from you and from real life, then I hope you can find your backbone and put an end to this kind of victimization. It is too cruel.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Oh yes, it's mental abuse and I don't see a way back from it. But the heart can't help but wish for miracles. I really don't think it's up to me anyway. It's my belief that if he comes back, it won't be to reconcile, it'll be to get his things and leave again. I just hope I have time to get him to sign a power of attorney so I can handle the wreckage. In addition to seeing a therapist this week, I'm also seeing an attorney.
Thanks for all the comments and support. I will look for al-anon in my area, although I looked before Christmas and it didn't look like there was much in my area.
Thanks for all the comments and support. I will look for al-anon in my area, although I looked before Christmas and it didn't look like there was much in my area.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
suddenly single---if there is no alanon group--quite often there is a grief support group. Grieving the loss of a marriage and the dreams that go with it is not unlike grieving the death of a loved one. (maybe ask your therapist?)
dandylion
Also, if there is a domestic abuse center --- quite often they will sponsor support groups for women. There is nothing like face-to-face with someone who has walked in your same shoes and understands beyond words.
dandylion
Also, if there is a domestic abuse center --- quite often they will sponsor support groups for women. There is nothing like face-to-face with someone who has walked in your same shoes and understands beyond words.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by suddenlysingle
I will look for al-anon in my area, although I looked before Christmas and it didn't look like there was much in my area.
This link is to electronic meetings, telephone or online. Also, there is a chat room here at SR that you might find helpful, too.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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How do they know he ran away from home?
Originally Posted by suddenlysingle
On December 16, I left for work at 7, kissed my husband goodbye before leaving. He was going to do some work around the house. I got home at around 8:15 that evening and he wasn't there. I figured he'd gone out to run an errand. But there were minor signs that pretty quickly made me fear he'd gone on a bender.
He took nothing with him...I mean NOTHING. No clothes, toiletries, money (there was some cash in the house). He drove away in his vehicle and hasn't been heard from since. He doesn't answer his phone which is an old style tha can't be tracked, and the battery is now dead (he didn't take the charger). No one (family, work, friends) has heard anything from him.
I don't know how to cope with this. It's been 18 days and I believe he won't be back. I'm afraid he's sick or dead somewhere. I've contacted the police and created a missing person's report, but they won't do anything because he's basically an adult who ran away from home.
Have any of you dealt with this kind of situation?
He took nothing with him...I mean NOTHING. No clothes, toiletries, money (there was some cash in the house). He drove away in his vehicle and hasn't been heard from since. He doesn't answer his phone which is an old style tha can't be tracked, and the battery is now dead (he didn't take the charger). No one (family, work, friends) has heard anything from him.
I don't know how to cope with this. It's been 18 days and I believe he won't be back. I'm afraid he's sick or dead somewhere. I've contacted the police and created a missing person's report, but they won't do anything because he's basically an adult who ran away from home.
Have any of you dealt with this kind of situation?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Hi suddenlysingle, welcome to SR, and I really feel for you for the reason that you are here.
I had a "runner", at least that is what I called him. He first disappeared after we were married for 20 years. That time he only disappeared for the weekend. The disappearances got longer and longer, and the time between them got shorter and shorter.
If he answered his cell phone, he would hang up on me, but most of the times, he just shut it off.
I should have left after the first time, but I guess I was already conditioned. Prior to the running away the only communication with him was either him going to another room and giving me the silent treatment, or he would be raging at me.
So, I was already conditioned to accept that everything was my fault, and that if I just shut up, he would go back to being nice.
He started this in 9/2006. I left in 12/2008. His running away went from a weekend to 2 weeks, to 2 months, and still increased. After disappearing for 2 months, he would come back like everything should be fine. When he saw that I was upset, he would get mad at me, because ...........he couldn't believe that I would still be mad after 2 months, when we weren't even fighting during that time. Never mind that I couldn't even get in touch with him, didn't know where he was, our bills were being paid, and he wouldn't use his credit card because he didn't want me to know where he was.
Why did I stay so long? I thought it was my heart, I thought I loved him, truth is, I really don't think I loved him anymore, I think I wanted validation that he should not be treating me that way. I wanted to be right!!!!!!!!!!!
This is extreme emotional abuse. It makes you feel like you have a straight jacket on with tape on your mouth. That there is nothing that you can say or do, because there is no one to hear you. You start to think, if only I had done that, or said that, or kept my mouth shut, and more and more if onlys. You think about this constantly, it makes you crazy. You carry your phone around with you, and you keep checking it. You listen for any sound at all that a car may be pulling up. You research, and research some more.
I hope you didn't get to this stage yet. This is what caused my PTSD.
After awhile, you may even accept that this is the way it is, then start taking care of yourself, doing things, eating right, even smiling...............then, they come back !!!!!!
Couple counseling will not work. He is abusive.
The silent treatment is a form of manipulation and control.
I finally left 12/31/2008, when he called to tell him that he was running away again, so I left. He filed for the divorce from me, because, how can you have a relationship, if you are not together. Actually I wanted him to file for the divorce, because by him doing that, he wouldn't have backed out of it, and I didn't think I was stable enough to stay gone if he made the promises again. So I pushed him on that.
He had threatened to divorce me many times, that was also his way to control me. This time I really pushed him to put his money where his mouth was. That might sound codie, but I knew he would treat me like I didn't exist if he did that, he wouldn't bother me anymore, and that is what I wanted.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
I had a "runner", at least that is what I called him. He first disappeared after we were married for 20 years. That time he only disappeared for the weekend. The disappearances got longer and longer, and the time between them got shorter and shorter.
If he answered his cell phone, he would hang up on me, but most of the times, he just shut it off.
I should have left after the first time, but I guess I was already conditioned. Prior to the running away the only communication with him was either him going to another room and giving me the silent treatment, or he would be raging at me.
So, I was already conditioned to accept that everything was my fault, and that if I just shut up, he would go back to being nice.
He started this in 9/2006. I left in 12/2008. His running away went from a weekend to 2 weeks, to 2 months, and still increased. After disappearing for 2 months, he would come back like everything should be fine. When he saw that I was upset, he would get mad at me, because ...........he couldn't believe that I would still be mad after 2 months, when we weren't even fighting during that time. Never mind that I couldn't even get in touch with him, didn't know where he was, our bills were being paid, and he wouldn't use his credit card because he didn't want me to know where he was.
Why did I stay so long? I thought it was my heart, I thought I loved him, truth is, I really don't think I loved him anymore, I think I wanted validation that he should not be treating me that way. I wanted to be right!!!!!!!!!!!
This is extreme emotional abuse. It makes you feel like you have a straight jacket on with tape on your mouth. That there is nothing that you can say or do, because there is no one to hear you. You start to think, if only I had done that, or said that, or kept my mouth shut, and more and more if onlys. You think about this constantly, it makes you crazy. You carry your phone around with you, and you keep checking it. You listen for any sound at all that a car may be pulling up. You research, and research some more.
I hope you didn't get to this stage yet. This is what caused my PTSD.
After awhile, you may even accept that this is the way it is, then start taking care of yourself, doing things, eating right, even smiling...............then, they come back !!!!!!
Couple counseling will not work. He is abusive.
The silent treatment is a form of manipulation and control.
I finally left 12/31/2008, when he called to tell him that he was running away again, so I left. He filed for the divorce from me, because, how can you have a relationship, if you are not together. Actually I wanted him to file for the divorce, because by him doing that, he wouldn't have backed out of it, and I didn't think I was stable enough to stay gone if he made the promises again. So I pushed him on that.
He had threatened to divorce me many times, that was also his way to control me. This time I really pushed him to put his money where his mouth was. That might sound codie, but I knew he would treat me like I didn't exist if he did that, he wouldn't bother me anymore, and that is what I wanted.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 15
Amy55, thanks so much for sharing your story. I'm happy you found your way out.
I'm definitely hanging onto my phone, and listening for the sound of a car. When the dog barks I look out the window to see if it's him. I'm trying to keep myself from doing these things and I hope the therapist I'm seeing Thursday can give me some coping strategies.
One thing I'm doing is exercising. I'm an aerobics instructor, and although it's been tempting, I haven't missed any of my classes. That really helps.
I'm definitely hanging onto my phone, and listening for the sound of a car. When the dog barks I look out the window to see if it's him. I'm trying to keep myself from doing these things and I hope the therapist I'm seeing Thursday can give me some coping strategies.
One thing I'm doing is exercising. I'm an aerobics instructor, and although it's been tempting, I haven't missed any of my classes. That really helps.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Earthworm, no signs of foul play, the house was locked up as usual. His car isn't anything anyone would want to steal. And I told them he's an alcoholic who'd gone on benders in the part, although not for more than 8 years.
Shorter answer, they know it because that's what I told them.
Shorter answer, they know it because that's what I told them.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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suddenly single....I feel compelled to share a little of secret of mine. I am always shocked and intimidated when I see or hear of someone doing something so glamorous as aerobics or yoga or pilates----shocked that their lives are not perfect and intimidated that I feel like one of god's lowly creatures. I have never done structured exercise in my WHOLE LIFE!!Same thing when I see these perfect creatures on TV (for example)---perfect hair; perfect make-up and perfect figures. They don't seem real...it is like they live in a magical world where a flawed person like myself could never get admitted.
If a person can do aerobics---surely nothing is impossible....LOL.
I have never said anything like this out loud...thanks, in advance,suddenlysingle for allowing me this platform on your thread.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 15
That's so sweet! Don't be intimidated, I'm not tiny...I weigh about 175. I definitely am not magazine material. But I am fairly strong and have good energy!
Specifically, I teach Jazzercise, which is a terrific combination of dance and exercise, with strength training and stretching thrown in for good measure. Look for a class...most places will let you try a first class free!
Thanks for sharing this. I'm smiling for real!
suddenly single....I feel compelled to share a little of secret of mine. I am always shocked and intimidated when I see or hear of someone doing something so glamorous as aerobics or yoga or pilates----shocked that their lives are not perfect and intimidated that I feel like one of god's lowly creatures. I have never done structured exercise in my WHOLE LIFE!!
Same thing when I see these perfect creatures on TV (for example)---perfect hair; perfect make-up and perfect figures. They don't seem real...it is like they live in a magical world where a flawed person like myself could never get admitted.
If a person can do aerobics---surely nothing is impossible....LOL.
I have never said anything like this out loud...thanks, in advance,suddenlysingle for allowing me this platform on your thread.
dandylion
Specifically, I teach Jazzercise, which is a terrific combination of dance and exercise, with strength training and stretching thrown in for good measure. Look for a class...most places will let you try a first class free!
Thanks for sharing this. I'm smiling for real!
Originally Posted by dandylion
suddenly single....I feel compelled to share a little of secret of mine. I am always shocked and intimidated when I see or hear of someone doing something so glamorous as aerobics or yoga or pilates----shocked that their lives are not perfect and intimidated that I feel like one of god's lowly creatures. I have never done structured exercise in my WHOLE LIFE!!Same thing when I see these perfect creatures on TV (for example)---perfect hair; perfect make-up and perfect figures. They don't seem real...it is like they live in a magical world where a flawed person like myself could never get admitted.
If a person can do aerobics---surely nothing is impossible....LOL.
I have never said anything like this out loud...thanks, in advance,suddenlysingle for allowing me this platform on your thread.
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
years ago, just shy of a million, I took dance classes at the same studio my daughter attended. she was about.....10? 12? at the time. so she was allowed to be in my adult jazz class. twice a year the studio had recitals....it's one thing to be the dance mom, sewing the sequins on the tutu, MUCH different to be a performer! in one of MY first recitals as a performer, our outfit was.........SPANDEX. also the recital was held at the 5th Avenue Theatre downtown, where all the broadway shows, etc performed. never been so damn scared in my life, waiting in the wings.....
what I took from that was....if I can get out on a professional theatre stage IN spandex and not make a complete @ss of myself.....I can do ANYTHING.
SS, you sound as if you have a LOT of inner strength. don't forget that, don't sell yourself short. know that however this plays out, you will come out for the better. might not SEEM that way, but just keep moving forward! cha cha cha.
what I took from that was....if I can get out on a professional theatre stage IN spandex and not make a complete @ss of myself.....I can do ANYTHING.
SS, you sound as if you have a LOT of inner strength. don't forget that, don't sell yourself short. know that however this plays out, you will come out for the better. might not SEEM that way, but just keep moving forward! cha cha cha.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Dandylion and Suddenly Single. Just thank you, in the face of this, something completey honest and seemingly off topic, but not. As teen I found out that a former Miss America had been cheated on. At that time, waaay to many years ago, I realized that if it could happen to a Miss America winner, it could happen to anyone. and it had nothing to do with her (in my simple eyes). Growing up I learned to doubt myself and wonder if 'we" women do things "wrong" and so men do what they do, drink, cheat, run (run! I have never even heard of this and I am so sorry)
What I am trying to get to Suddenlysingle is that if there is one thing I am happy for, it is that you do not blame yourself. Hugs to you.
What I am trying to get to Suddenlysingle is that if there is one thing I am happy for, it is that you do not blame yourself. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Oh, my...the biggest ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you....
I'm sorry I don't have any helpful things to say...I've never been in your situation....
Sending wishes for strength, clarity, love, and for this to be resolved in a positive way....
Peace.
I'm sorry I don't have any helpful things to say...I've never been in your situation....
Sending wishes for strength, clarity, love, and for this to be resolved in a positive way....
Peace.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 15
Cha cha cha!! Thanks to all on this thread...it's helping more than I can say. Kind words and tough advice and cheerleading!
I'm here now because of my my own situation, but I hope to stay active here and pay this love forward.
I'm here now because of my my own situation, but I hope to stay active here and pay this love forward.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
Originally Posted by suddenlysingle
Cha cha cha!! Thanks to all on this thread...it's helping more than I can say. Kind words and tough advice and cheerleading! I'm here now because of my my own situation, but I hope to stay active here and pay this love forward.
We hope you stick around too!
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