He left me without a word
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 15
He left me without a word
On December 16, I left for work at 7, kissed my husband goodbye before leaving. He was going to do some work around the house. I got home at around 8:15 that evening and he wasn't there. I figured he'd gone out to run an errand. But there were minor signs that pretty quickly made me fear he'd gone on a bender.
He took nothing with him...I mean NOTHING. No clothes, toiletries, money (there was some cash in the house). He drove away in his vehicle and hasn't been heard from since. He doesn't answer his phone which is an old style tha can't be tracked, and the battery is now dead (he didn't take the charger). No one (family, work, friends) has heard anything from him.
I don't know how to cope with this. It's been 18 days and I believe he won't be back. I'm afraid he's sick or dead somewhere. I've contacted the police and created a missing person's report, but they won't do anything because he's basically an adult who ran away from home.
Have any of you dealt with this kind of situation?
He took nothing with him...I mean NOTHING. No clothes, toiletries, money (there was some cash in the house). He drove away in his vehicle and hasn't been heard from since. He doesn't answer his phone which is an old style tha can't be tracked, and the battery is now dead (he didn't take the charger). No one (family, work, friends) has heard anything from him.
I don't know how to cope with this. It's been 18 days and I believe he won't be back. I'm afraid he's sick or dead somewhere. I've contacted the police and created a missing person's report, but they won't do anything because he's basically an adult who ran away from home.
Have any of you dealt with this kind of situation?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Suddenlysingle, I have not been in your situation but just want to express my sympathy. I simply can't imagine how awful that would be! The uncertainty and fear would feel overwhelming, I would guess.
Has he done similar things before? It might be helpful, both for you and for us here at SR, to tell a little more about yourself and this relationship. I'm sure others will be on to help soon.
Again, ((((hugs)))) to you in this terrible time. Wishing you some peace...
Has he done similar things before? It might be helpful, both for you and for us here at SR, to tell a little more about yourself and this relationship. I'm sure others will be on to help soon.
Again, ((((hugs)))) to you in this terrible time. Wishing you some peace...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
suddenlysingle--this is a troubling story--I can understand how you must feel.
I have known of parents whose teen kids ran away---(the police basically treat all "runaways" the same way)---hired private detectives to find the kids. It worked, too. Even when they had run way across country.
Has he ever done this sort of thing in the past?????
dandylion
I have known of parents whose teen kids ran away---(the police basically treat all "runaways" the same way)---hired private detectives to find the kids. It worked, too. Even when they had run way across country.
Has he ever done this sort of thing in the past?????
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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More information...
Thanks for responding! Yes, he's done this in the past, but never to me. I knew about his alcohol problems before we got married, and we actually went to couples counseling before we got married to talk about them.
He was married previously and according to his parents, he went on benders with her and eventually left her but not like this.
After a couple of years, he moved in with another woman and stayed with her for 14years. I called her to see if he'd been in touch and she hasn't heard from him, but she said that he'd go on a bender about once every six months, but never stayed away this long. He'd be gone for a few days and always returned when he ran out of money. Eventually he left her too, but it was an ordinary breakup--with discussions beforehand. He didn't abandon her.
Every year as the holidays approach, he gets more and more anxious and depressed. This year we were working on some projects in the house, which I think put more pressure on him, although I wasn't pressing him about them. In between Thanksgiving and when he left, I knew he was drinking some during the day and we'd talked about it. I said it was dangerous and asked him to stop, but I know he didn't. I never expected him to take off like this, and once he did, I certainly didn't think he'd stay away.
He was married previously and according to his parents, he went on benders with her and eventually left her but not like this.
After a couple of years, he moved in with another woman and stayed with her for 14years. I called her to see if he'd been in touch and she hasn't heard from him, but she said that he'd go on a bender about once every six months, but never stayed away this long. He'd be gone for a few days and always returned when he ran out of money. Eventually he left her too, but it was an ordinary breakup--with discussions beforehand. He didn't abandon her.
Every year as the holidays approach, he gets more and more anxious and depressed. This year we were working on some projects in the house, which I think put more pressure on him, although I wasn't pressing him about them. In between Thanksgiving and when he left, I knew he was drinking some during the day and we'd talked about it. I said it was dangerous and asked him to stop, but I know he didn't. I never expected him to take off like this, and once he did, I certainly didn't think he'd stay away.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Burien WA.
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My first wife would disappear for a few days at a time on drug and alcohol binges and then beg for me to take her back, it took a while but I finally got her out of my life. I know what you are going through and wish you the best.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will only get worse, never better, when left untreated. From what you've said about his past behavior, I fear that what you're seeing is a progression of his disease. He has disappeared before--but never this long. He left his partner--but not w/o some discussion beforehand.
So now he has left for longer, with no discussion beforehand this time. He's continuing his alcoholic behavior, getting worse. Not that this knowledge will make you feel any better, I'm sure.
Can I suggest Alanon for some support in the real world for you, as well as continuing to post and read here at SR? This has to be a horrible shock for you; the more you can learn about alcoholism and the more support you can find for yourself, the sooner you can begin to heal.
Again, so sorry you're in this spot.
So now he has left for longer, with no discussion beforehand this time. He's continuing his alcoholic behavior, getting worse. Not that this knowledge will make you feel any better, I'm sure.
Can I suggest Alanon for some support in the real world for you, as well as continuing to post and read here at SR? This has to be a horrible shock for you; the more you can learn about alcoholism and the more support you can find for yourself, the sooner you can begin to heal.
Again, so sorry you're in this spot.
I've never been in this situation and have no words of wisdom... just hugs and p&pt. Please keep us updated.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O wow...that is terrible. I am so sorry. Does he have any money at all or anyone who funds him? That is scary. I would stay on the police about this.
Hugs. Keep posting, we are here and not going anywhere!
Hugs. Keep posting, we are here and not going anywhere!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 15
He doesn't have much money, that I'm aware of. I really don't think he planned this. The last call he made before he left was to his boss to see if there would be work on 12/17 (he's a carpenter). His boss told him there wouldn't be anything until 12/18, and I think he took that as permission to go away for the night and drink. Then he got away and didn't stop...I don't know what he's thinking now, if he's thinking at all.
The most optimistic slant I can put on this is that he's out there not knowing how to come back after all this time because he's ashamed. I mean, we had family here over Christmas and I had to face them all alone. I haven't blabbed this to many people, but obviously our families know.
The most optimistic slant I can put on this is that he's out there not knowing how to come back after all this time because he's ashamed. I mean, we had family here over Christmas and I had to face them all alone. I haven't blabbed this to many people, but obviously our families know.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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suddenlyalone.....I am sorry for what you are going through. It sure sounds like he is deep into his illness. You have no control over him.
While you are here--have you read any of the "sticky" posts at the top of the page--above the daily threads? There is a virtual education on alcoholism and the effects on their loved ones.
Alanon would be a good place for you to go, right now--as many others have faced what you are going through. You are not alone.
dandylion
While you are here--have you read any of the "sticky" posts at the top of the page--above the daily threads? There is a virtual education on alcoholism and the effects on their loved ones.
Alanon would be a good place for you to go, right now--as many others have faced what you are going through. You are not alone.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 15
I appreciate the kick in the pants, really. That's exactly what my adult children are asking me. They are furious. I'm furious too, but I also still love him, so I'm willing to give it a shot. And yes, this has been his pattern, but this is the first time he's done this with me and we've been together for 8 years.
But to answer your question, no, I don't plan to just let him come home. For me to allow him back in, he's going to have to commit to some kind of recovery. I've already got an appointment with the therapist who did our premarital counseling and would insist that he participate in that too.
But to answer your question, no, I don't plan to just let him come home. For me to allow him back in, he's going to have to commit to some kind of recovery. I've already got an appointment with the therapist who did our premarital counseling and would insist that he participate in that too.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by suddenlysingle 
I appreciate the kick in the pants, really. That's exactly what my adult children are asking me. They are furious. I'm furious too, but I also still love him, so I'm willing to give it a shot. And yes, this has been his pattern, but this is the first time he's done this with me and we've been together for 8 years.
But to answer your question, no, I don't plan to just let him come home. For me to allow him back in, he's going to have to commit to some kind of recovery. I've already got an appointment with the therapist who did our premarital counseling and would insist that he participate in that too.
But to answer your question, no, I don't plan to just let him come home. For me to allow him back in, he's going to have to commit to some kind of recovery. I've already got an appointment with the therapist who did our premarital counseling and would insist that he participate in that too.
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