Tired ...
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Tired ...
Hello, new here and not quite sure if I should be here but anyway since my husband says he does not have an alcohol problem and maybe he doesn't. He has a few drinks two or three times a week, down from a few drinks every day so he says he's in control of his drinking. That's the reasonable part of me stating facts. Now to what I really wanted to say.
I hate drinking. I hate seeing a beer can. I will leave all eight of his empty beer cans where they are so he can collect them himself tomorrow. It was a special occasion tonight, the one where he's 'allowed' to get drunk. We're having more and more special occasions lately. I didn't stay up this time. I think I don't care anymore. He's a great guy when he doesn't drink but I can't get past the things he says when he's drunk anymore. I'm still cold from his special occasion a week ago. It was Christmas. Sat there till dawn listening to him shouting at me about everything under the sun. Diffusing the situation temporarily and then I'd say something like 'my cousin called' and off he went again on how often she calls, shouting 'shut up' on the top of his voice every time I tried to say anything. That was Christmas eve. Now he woke me up and managed a rude remark in the 5 seconds before falling asleep.
It's like going to see grandpa when I was ten. Mom would whisper 'Don't pay attention kids, grandma didn't really try to shoot him, he's just screaming about the ungrateful hag and how she conspired to kill him cause he's on his second bottle and it's not noon yet'. So after we're done with dad picking grandpa from the police station I grow up to picking my husband of the roof of our house at 2am? I don't know if I even care anymore. I'm thinking stupid things that wouldn't have crossed my mind a few years back. 'What if I put a sleeping pill in his drink? Would he shut up, sleep and leave me be?', 'Hope he chokes on it'. So he only gets really drunk about once or twice a month. And talking doesn't help cause he says he doesn't have a problem. But I'm tired. He's usually extra sweet the next day. It used to work. How I just find it pathetic. Apart from the drinking he's a good person. But I find I care less and less about him. Every time he gets drunk I just go one step towards not giving a damn.
Sorry about the long post. No one to talk to really. Not things I want family and friends to know. Thanks.
I hate drinking. I hate seeing a beer can. I will leave all eight of his empty beer cans where they are so he can collect them himself tomorrow. It was a special occasion tonight, the one where he's 'allowed' to get drunk. We're having more and more special occasions lately. I didn't stay up this time. I think I don't care anymore. He's a great guy when he doesn't drink but I can't get past the things he says when he's drunk anymore. I'm still cold from his special occasion a week ago. It was Christmas. Sat there till dawn listening to him shouting at me about everything under the sun. Diffusing the situation temporarily and then I'd say something like 'my cousin called' and off he went again on how often she calls, shouting 'shut up' on the top of his voice every time I tried to say anything. That was Christmas eve. Now he woke me up and managed a rude remark in the 5 seconds before falling asleep.
It's like going to see grandpa when I was ten. Mom would whisper 'Don't pay attention kids, grandma didn't really try to shoot him, he's just screaming about the ungrateful hag and how she conspired to kill him cause he's on his second bottle and it's not noon yet'. So after we're done with dad picking grandpa from the police station I grow up to picking my husband of the roof of our house at 2am? I don't know if I even care anymore. I'm thinking stupid things that wouldn't have crossed my mind a few years back. 'What if I put a sleeping pill in his drink? Would he shut up, sleep and leave me be?', 'Hope he chokes on it'. So he only gets really drunk about once or twice a month. And talking doesn't help cause he says he doesn't have a problem. But I'm tired. He's usually extra sweet the next day. It used to work. How I just find it pathetic. Apart from the drinking he's a good person. But I find I care less and less about him. Every time he gets drunk I just go one step towards not giving a damn.
Sorry about the long post. No one to talk to really. Not things I want family and friends to know. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by Sarrah 
Hello, new here and not quite sure if I should be here but anyway since my husband says he does not have an alcohol problem and maybe he doesn't. He has a few drinks two or three times a week, down from a few drinks every day so he says he's in control of his drinking. That's the reasonable part of me stating facts. Now to what I really wanted to say.
I hate drinking. I hate seeing a beer can. I will leave all eight of his empty beer cans where they are so he can collect them himself tomorrow. It was a special occasion tonight, the one where he's 'allowed' to get drunk. We're having more and more special occasions lately. I didn't stay up this time. I think I don't care anymore. He's a great guy when he doesn't drink but I can't get past the things he says when he's drunk anymore. I'm still cold from his special occasion a week ago. It was Christmas. Sat there till dawn listening to him shouting at me about everything under the sun. Diffusing the situation temporarily and then I'd say something like 'my cousin called' and off he went again on how often she calls, shouting 'shut up' on the top of his voice every time I tried to say anything. That was Christmas eve. Now he woke me up and managed a rude remark in the 5 seconds before falling asleep.
It's like going to see grandpa when I was ten. Mom would whisper 'Don't pay attention kids, grandma didn't really try to shoot him, he's just screaming about the ungrateful hag and how she conspired to kill him cause he's on his second bottle and it's not noon yet'. So after we're done with dad picking grandpa from the police station I grow up to picking my husband of the roof of our house at 2am? I don't know if I even care anymore. I'm thinking stupid things that wouldn't have crossed my mind a few years back. 'What if I put a sleeping pill in his drink? Would he shut up, sleep and leave me be?', 'Hope he chokes on it'. So he only gets really drunk about once or twice a month. And talking doesn't help cause he says he doesn't have a problem. But I'm tired. He's usually extra sweet the next day. It used to work. How I just find it pathetic. Apart from the drinking he's a good person. But I find I care less and less about him. Every time he gets drunk I just go one step towards not giving a damn.
Sorry about the long post. No one to talk to really. Not things I want family and friends to know. Thanks.
I hate drinking. I hate seeing a beer can. I will leave all eight of his empty beer cans where they are so he can collect them himself tomorrow. It was a special occasion tonight, the one where he's 'allowed' to get drunk. We're having more and more special occasions lately. I didn't stay up this time. I think I don't care anymore. He's a great guy when he doesn't drink but I can't get past the things he says when he's drunk anymore. I'm still cold from his special occasion a week ago. It was Christmas. Sat there till dawn listening to him shouting at me about everything under the sun. Diffusing the situation temporarily and then I'd say something like 'my cousin called' and off he went again on how often she calls, shouting 'shut up' on the top of his voice every time I tried to say anything. That was Christmas eve. Now he woke me up and managed a rude remark in the 5 seconds before falling asleep.
It's like going to see grandpa when I was ten. Mom would whisper 'Don't pay attention kids, grandma didn't really try to shoot him, he's just screaming about the ungrateful hag and how she conspired to kill him cause he's on his second bottle and it's not noon yet'. So after we're done with dad picking grandpa from the police station I grow up to picking my husband of the roof of our house at 2am? I don't know if I even care anymore. I'm thinking stupid things that wouldn't have crossed my mind a few years back. 'What if I put a sleeping pill in his drink? Would he shut up, sleep and leave me be?', 'Hope he chokes on it'. So he only gets really drunk about once or twice a month. And talking doesn't help cause he says he doesn't have a problem. But I'm tired. He's usually extra sweet the next day. It used to work. How I just find it pathetic. Apart from the drinking he's a good person. But I find I care less and less about him. Every time he gets drunk I just go one step towards not giving a damn.
Sorry about the long post. No one to talk to really. Not things I want family and friends to know. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Sorry for the reason that you are here, but glad that you found us! Please keep reading and posting.
So, whether he is an A or not doesn't really matter. What does matter is his drinking is having an effect on you...and it's not a positive one. Please educate yourself on alcoholism, read here on SR (the stickies have lots of good info), and I would recommend Al-Anon. You'll want to learn about detachment and boundaries...you can search for them on the forum. They are tools that will help bring you peace regardless of your AH's drinking.
One of the first things I learned here was the three c's - you did not Cause it, you cannot Cure it, you cannot Control it. They have really helped me a lot. One of the boundaries I set with RAH, was not to engage in conversation with him when he'd had four drinks in a day - it only led to me being upset or an argument so it was not worth it.
Hope this helps...this is a great community for understanding and support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
Hi, I could have written a very similar story to yours. Im going thru the EXACT same thing, I really don't care, Ive started to realise the 3 c's as they talk of above. So for the past week I have not mentioned a thing about his beer drinking, no comments like....do you need that now? come have dinner with us don't drink now, why are you bringing beer etc etc...Ive totally shut up and my eyes have been open pretty wide on how pathetic the whole thing is and how much he drinks, today on the way home from a trip out with kids he stopped and bought a box and opened one straight away in the car (could he not wait half hour till we get home?!) any way got home at 2pm and drunk till about 830pm - what a dick, im tired too so so tired of it. do you have kids? does anyone else know your concerns? for the first time ever ive told my family about what I think and feel - it felt bloody good for years I didn't want them to think he is a bad guy because he too is a really great guy. I was gutted someone told me 'don't you think alcoholic' is a bit harsh? I don't know maybe he is a heavy drinker...I don't know sounds like you don't either...but someone said on here to me we don't have to diagnose them, at the end of day drink is causing problems. have a read of my thread "advice maybe?" see if you can relate.
hugs2u
hugs2u
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
My AH also does not identify himself as an alcoholic either, Sarrah. It's just how he unwinds, celebrates his victories, mourns his losses, hangs out with his buddies, watches the game, relaxes with the cats, handles me & my expectations (which admittedly I have too high of expectations), handles my crazy family, handles his crazy family, de-stresses from work, watches tv, eats his dinner, & falls asleep. I'm sure I missed some of the other important events that require alcohol but my fingers were getting tired of typing 
In the end, I've decided it does not matter what he calls it. It doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic (though the alternative is that he's willing choosing to drink despite all of the negative consequences when he could just choose to stop.) In the end, all that matters is that it is negatively impacting me and my children. Now, I have to choose what I want. Because that's all I can do, choose what's best for me.
I second Carry-on's recommendation for Al-Anon. I've also been doing a lot of reading, both here at SR and various books. Counseling's helping me, too. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you found us
In the end, I've decided it does not matter what he calls it. It doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic (though the alternative is that he's willing choosing to drink despite all of the negative consequences when he could just choose to stop.) In the end, all that matters is that it is negatively impacting me and my children. Now, I have to choose what I want. Because that's all I can do, choose what's best for me. I second Carry-on's recommendation for Al-Anon. I've also been doing a lot of reading, both here at SR and various books. Counseling's helping me, too. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you found us
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Eastern USA
Posts: 26
I know nothing about alcohol abuse, I'm here because a freind is an alcoholic, but what you have written sounds like abuse. The alcohol just brings it forward. You don't need to meet all of the following criteria, just some of it. It is abuse if:
Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:
Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
If you are in an abusive relationship, it will not change until you do something different.
Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:
Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
If you are in an abusive relationship, it will not change until you do something different.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,946
"Apart from the drinking he's a good person."
True of all (or most!) of our alcoholics. If they were just complete and total a-holes we wouldn't love them and so we wouldn't be struggling with managing our interactions with them - they would just be gone from our lives.
But in truth there is no "apart from the drinking" until the person is recovered. And that's a long road, their road, their choice, their journey.
Glad you are here!! Collectively we've seen everything (as the old AlAnon saying goes you'll find yourself "reminiscing with complete strangers!"). This is a good place to rest your head when you are "tired."
(((hugs))))
B.
True of all (or most!) of our alcoholics. If they were just complete and total a-holes we wouldn't love them and so we wouldn't be struggling with managing our interactions with them - they would just be gone from our lives.
But in truth there is no "apart from the drinking" until the person is recovered. And that's a long road, their road, their choice, their journey.
Glad you are here!! Collectively we've seen everything (as the old AlAnon saying goes you'll find yourself "reminiscing with complete strangers!"). This is a good place to rest your head when you are "tired."
(((hugs))))
B.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
He is trying to "control" his drinking, which is doomed to failure. Hence the "special occasions" that are cropping up as excuses. This is a progressive disease, he will only get worse as long as he denies or controls it. The great guy and the alcoholic are one and the same, you will see less and less of the great guy as he gets worse. Fact is there is nothing you can do about his drinking. He's an adult. He can choose to drink and make bad choices.
But you have choices too. You can choose to live a life without the chaos of active addiciton. You can choose to seek your own recovery, your own peace. You grew up with alcoholism in your family, you have likely learned patterns without even realizing it. The best thing you can do for you is find an AlAnon group near you. Everyone in those rooms has a similar story, and you will get a lot of support. You will start to see that there are changes you want to make in your own choices and behaviors that will bring you happiness, regardless of what the A in your life decides to do.
But you have choices too. You can choose to live a life without the chaos of active addiciton. You can choose to seek your own recovery, your own peace. You grew up with alcoholism in your family, you have likely learned patterns without even realizing it. The best thing you can do for you is find an AlAnon group near you. Everyone in those rooms has a similar story, and you will get a lot of support. You will start to see that there are changes you want to make in your own choices and behaviors that will bring you happiness, regardless of what the A in your life decides to do.
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