I'm new- and I just left him. Trying to be brave.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by Brave 
He did say that he and the counselor talked a bit about us being separated right now, and he "understands what he's saying, but still doesn't agree" with the counselor. So whatever that means.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Brave, what scares me is your AH's physical violence towards you. His rages and binges began many years ago, and you have been the target of his anger for many years. His binges result in black-outs; he cannot control behavior that he cannot even remember.
He is trained as a soldier and policeman. That means that he has been taught to use weapons to resolve conflict; appropriate when he is on duty, but highly inappropriate in his personal life.
By spring 2012, he totally breached his professional and personal duty to keep civilians safe:
He dumped my purse, flipped the kitchen table over on top of me, flipped over all the living room furniture, and ripped out the kitchen drawers. He then pulled some knives from the butcher block and walked toward me while holding them. I ran into the yard and refused to come back inside. He didn’t pursue me out there; he eventually went upstairs. I checked on him after a little while and saw that he had taken out his pistol from the gun safe and had passed out with it next to him.
If you google "Mosaic Threat Assessment", you will find a confidential on-line questionnaire that many police around the US, including the police force for the United States Congress, use to determine potential for violence in an individual. I suggest that you look it with your AH in mind.
What you have already endured - and survived - is grave domestic violence. He put a kitchen table on top of you, threatened you with butcher block knives and God knows what he might have done with his gun if he had not blacked out. Had the police been called, he would have been charged with assault.
As a sufferer of severe emotional and verbal abuse that ultimately caused me to flee my 20 year marriage, I found myself in denial about how serious my AH's abuse really was. I had learned to see my life through HIS eyes, not my own. I couldn't fathom how bad it was until I left and had enough distance and perspective to truly open my eyes.
Your AH, as are all of our alcoholic partners, is not just mainly a good guy who has a few occasional problems. He is one being and he contains are the good AND all that barely contained roiling anger. It isn't that you are walking down a good path with a few holes to avoid. It is more like walking a path with a volcano beneath it that may or may not erupt.
One thing about having a single counselor work with both alcoholic and spouse is the best treatment for one of them may not be the best course for the other, and the counselor can be compromised or end up kind of 'splitting the difference' and trying to preserve the marriage. You might find it useful to talk with someone understands domestic abuse.
People here have given you hard won and good advice here. As always on SoberRecovery, I speak from my own experience - take what you want and leave the rest; it is written with concern and compassion.
ShootingStar1
He is trained as a soldier and policeman. That means that he has been taught to use weapons to resolve conflict; appropriate when he is on duty, but highly inappropriate in his personal life.
By spring 2012, he totally breached his professional and personal duty to keep civilians safe:
He dumped my purse, flipped the kitchen table over on top of me, flipped over all the living room furniture, and ripped out the kitchen drawers. He then pulled some knives from the butcher block and walked toward me while holding them. I ran into the yard and refused to come back inside. He didn’t pursue me out there; he eventually went upstairs. I checked on him after a little while and saw that he had taken out his pistol from the gun safe and had passed out with it next to him.
If you google "Mosaic Threat Assessment", you will find a confidential on-line questionnaire that many police around the US, including the police force for the United States Congress, use to determine potential for violence in an individual. I suggest that you look it with your AH in mind.
What you have already endured - and survived - is grave domestic violence. He put a kitchen table on top of you, threatened you with butcher block knives and God knows what he might have done with his gun if he had not blacked out. Had the police been called, he would have been charged with assault.
As a sufferer of severe emotional and verbal abuse that ultimately caused me to flee my 20 year marriage, I found myself in denial about how serious my AH's abuse really was. I had learned to see my life through HIS eyes, not my own. I couldn't fathom how bad it was until I left and had enough distance and perspective to truly open my eyes.
Your AH, as are all of our alcoholic partners, is not just mainly a good guy who has a few occasional problems. He is one being and he contains are the good AND all that barely contained roiling anger. It isn't that you are walking down a good path with a few holes to avoid. It is more like walking a path with a volcano beneath it that may or may not erupt.
One thing about having a single counselor work with both alcoholic and spouse is the best treatment for one of them may not be the best course for the other, and the counselor can be compromised or end up kind of 'splitting the difference' and trying to preserve the marriage. You might find it useful to talk with someone understands domestic abuse.
People here have given you hard won and good advice here. As always on SoberRecovery, I speak from my own experience - take what you want and leave the rest; it is written with concern and compassion.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
Thanks for your posts, it's helped me get through a tough day today. Sometimes it's just so hard to keep forging ahead and trying to be strong. I miss my home, and I've just tried to remind myself all day-- it's just a place. It's just stuff. It doesn't really matter.
After he and I spoke today I just got the impression that he doesn't really 'get it,' if you know what I mean. Like he's kind of just doing counseling, maybe checking out a meeting, waiting this out for me to wear down and come home. I'm not rushing my decision, but I really am ready to walk away this time.
ShootingStar- I read your post several times. Thank you. You're very correct, and I have to try and not minimize what's happened in our relationship. The volcano analogy really stopped me in my tracks.
I have a question kind of related to the counselor thing you had brought up-- our counselor specializes in addiction, and I feel he really ties my husband's anger issues directly to the binge drinking problem-- almost to make them one and the same. Like if he can get sober, the anger problems will be 'easy' to fix.
For me, that doesn't exactly ring true-- they've always been related, but are two separate issues in my mind. The majority of his blow ups have happened when he is sober. In your own experiences, how tied together are these two issues? Are they just two parts of the same self-destructive tendency?
After he and I spoke today I just got the impression that he doesn't really 'get it,' if you know what I mean. Like he's kind of just doing counseling, maybe checking out a meeting, waiting this out for me to wear down and come home. I'm not rushing my decision, but I really am ready to walk away this time.
ShootingStar- I read your post several times. Thank you. You're very correct, and I have to try and not minimize what's happened in our relationship. The volcano analogy really stopped me in my tracks.
I have a question kind of related to the counselor thing you had brought up-- our counselor specializes in addiction, and I feel he really ties my husband's anger issues directly to the binge drinking problem-- almost to make them one and the same. Like if he can get sober, the anger problems will be 'easy' to fix.
For me, that doesn't exactly ring true-- they've always been related, but are two separate issues in my mind. The majority of his blow ups have happened when he is sober. In your own experiences, how tied together are these two issues? Are they just two parts of the same self-destructive tendency?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by RhodeIsland
Means he knows it all. He hears, he understands - he doesn't care - he knows better. Person who does this for a living, pffft he doesn't understand. "I'm different!"
The pain of consequences is just starting.
Pain is what drives the A's train down the tracks.
He will likely need to feel the pain, fear of loss, and all the rest to even acknowledge there is a real problem.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I have a question kind of related to the counselor thing you had brought up-- our counselor specializes in addiction, and I feel he really ties my husband's anger issues directly to the binge drinking problem-- almost to make them one and the same. Like if he can get sober, the anger problems will be 'easy' to fix.
For me, that doesn't exactly ring true-- they've always been related, but are two separate issues in my mind. The majority of his blow ups have happened when he is sober. In your own experiences, how tied together are these two issues? Are they just two parts of the same self-destructive tendency?
I imagine that how anger and binge drinking are related or not varies with the person. In my husband's case, he carried a huge amount of rage that simmered below the surface with occasional break-throughs for many years. He would have been an angry man without ever taking a drink. Also, many times a charming brilliant man with quite a witty sense of humor.
Drinking released the controls on his temper, on his behavior in general. If you want to read my story, I posted it on a sticky (permanent thread of universal interest found at the top of the Friends & Families of Alcoholics index page). It was started by English Garden and is called "What Is Abuse?".
So, no, I don't believe that becoming sober will cure an angry person of their anger unless they also deal with their underlying issues causing the anger. A happy-go-lucky person who drinks too much and gets angry - that might be a different story. But you are describing deeply embedded rage.
Brave, from what you are saying, it may be prudent to stay apart from your AH and see, over time, how he chooses to proceed. Keep yourself safe, first and foremost. Take care,
ShootingStar1
For me, that doesn't exactly ring true-- they've always been related, but are two separate issues in my mind. The majority of his blow ups have happened when he is sober. In your own experiences, how tied together are these two issues? Are they just two parts of the same self-destructive tendency?
I imagine that how anger and binge drinking are related or not varies with the person. In my husband's case, he carried a huge amount of rage that simmered below the surface with occasional break-throughs for many years. He would have been an angry man without ever taking a drink. Also, many times a charming brilliant man with quite a witty sense of humor.
Drinking released the controls on his temper, on his behavior in general. If you want to read my story, I posted it on a sticky (permanent thread of universal interest found at the top of the Friends & Families of Alcoholics index page). It was started by English Garden and is called "What Is Abuse?".
So, no, I don't believe that becoming sober will cure an angry person of their anger unless they also deal with their underlying issues causing the anger. A happy-go-lucky person who drinks too much and gets angry - that might be a different story. But you are describing deeply embedded rage.
Brave, from what you are saying, it may be prudent to stay apart from your AH and see, over time, how he chooses to proceed. Keep yourself safe, first and foremost. Take care,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
I have been on this forum for a while but I do not feel as though I have any great pearls of wisdom like the many others who I admire for their bravery, honesty, and kindness.
The only thing that I would echo of another is that you need to take time for you and get stronger. YOU MADE IT OUT OF THE HOUSE! You are my hero.
Now that you're out, stay out until you don't have the 'I feel like I'm going crazy/second-guessing myself' feeling. Then you can decide what to do when you reach that point.
I also agree with how someone said that seeing the same counselor may or may not benefit you.
Personally, one of our counselors along the way fell prey to my H's calm demeanor. In the end she talked about 'not believing that he would ever talk that way'. And she happily sided with him to send me off to a psychiatrist and put me on meds (like he wanted) despite not seeing me for a couple of months - and during that time having met with him.
Working on what you need is the best thing you could ever do for yourself right now.
The only thing that I would echo of another is that you need to take time for you and get stronger. YOU MADE IT OUT OF THE HOUSE! You are my hero.
Now that you're out, stay out until you don't have the 'I feel like I'm going crazy/second-guessing myself' feeling. Then you can decide what to do when you reach that point.
I also agree with how someone said that seeing the same counselor may or may not benefit you.
Personally, one of our counselors along the way fell prey to my H's calm demeanor. In the end she talked about 'not believing that he would ever talk that way'. And she happily sided with him to send me off to a psychiatrist and put me on meds (like he wanted) despite not seeing me for a couple of months - and during that time having met with him.
Working on what you need is the best thing you could ever do for yourself right now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Brave---go to "search", in the blue bar across the top of this page. Type in "alcoholic is full of crap"----then select "posts"----it should come up. Again, let me know if it doesn't....LOL......this is really an excellent piece.
dandylion
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Also, Brave---there are some situations where it is actually harmful to you to see the same counselor--and, I think yours sounds like this. You need a therapist who has experience working with abuse---experience is very important, here.
dandylion
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
Thanks again for listening and for your advice. ShootingStar, our husbands sound very similar. He is an intelligent, loyal, hardworking and funny guy. But he is impatient, with a very short fuse, and a lot of deep seeded anger. That would and will be there regardless of whether or not he drinks.
I'm thinking about looking for my own counselor. Our counselor hasn't been focusing on keeping us together-- but he is much more focused on my husband's issues. He's taking the tack of-"well, he can work on his issues, and then down the line, IF you're still around, you might be able to have a healthy relationship with him." And if I'm working on me and my own healing, someone with abuse experience is probably a good idea for me.
I have been realizing over the last few days that I feel different. I feel like I'm not walking on eggshells anymore, waiting to see what kind of mood he's in. Not worrying about if something I'm doing/ not doing might set him off. He had texted me about having a buyer for our boat (which I feel is manipulation because I LOVE the boat).
At first it the message made me sad, but then I realized that every time we put the boat in the water/take the boat out, he ends up snapping at me. To the point where other people at the marina have shot me pitying looks. So every time we go the lake, I'm anxious. And little stuff like that hadn't even been entering the equation for me up to this point- it's like I'm just so conditioned to it. But even those little things are no way to treat somebody, you know?
I've also recognized that my little voice that says, "It must not be that bad, you didn't leave when he got violent last year. You could have left then, and you didn't. You missed your window. You don't have a right to leave now." -- Is a pretty messed up way to think. And I'm trying to shut that voice up.
Just stream-of-conciousness posting today, I guess. I have to stop by the house today and get some more of my things this evening, I can't put it off any longer. He is going to be there and I'm sure he'll want to talk. I'm hoping everything goes all right.
I'm thinking about looking for my own counselor. Our counselor hasn't been focusing on keeping us together-- but he is much more focused on my husband's issues. He's taking the tack of-"well, he can work on his issues, and then down the line, IF you're still around, you might be able to have a healthy relationship with him." And if I'm working on me and my own healing, someone with abuse experience is probably a good idea for me.
I have been realizing over the last few days that I feel different. I feel like I'm not walking on eggshells anymore, waiting to see what kind of mood he's in. Not worrying about if something I'm doing/ not doing might set him off. He had texted me about having a buyer for our boat (which I feel is manipulation because I LOVE the boat).
At first it the message made me sad, but then I realized that every time we put the boat in the water/take the boat out, he ends up snapping at me. To the point where other people at the marina have shot me pitying looks. So every time we go the lake, I'm anxious. And little stuff like that hadn't even been entering the equation for me up to this point- it's like I'm just so conditioned to it. But even those little things are no way to treat somebody, you know?
I've also recognized that my little voice that says, "It must not be that bad, you didn't leave when he got violent last year. You could have left then, and you didn't. You missed your window. You don't have a right to leave now." -- Is a pretty messed up way to think. And I'm trying to shut that voice up.
Just stream-of-conciousness posting today, I guess. I have to stop by the house today and get some more of my things this evening, I can't put it off any longer. He is going to be there and I'm sure he'll want to talk. I'm hoping everything goes all right.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
Hi everyone. I wasn't sure about the board etiquette around here as far as starting a new thread vs. updating my old one. I've been lurking but at this point I've been apprehensive to post. I feel like I am too much a mess to give anyone else any good advice.
An update on my situation- I am still living at my sister's. H and I have been separated for over 6 weeks now. I did allow myself to kind of slip into a funk over the holidays, then I had the flu. I hadn't really done much in the way of healing myself over the past month. My sister kicked my butt about that the other day, and she was right.
In the last couple of days, I have made an appointment with a separate counselor who works primarily with women, and has experience in abuse. I ordered Codependent No More, Why Does He Do That?-Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, and Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay. So those are on the way. I'm going to sign up for either a gym or yoga this week. I also plan to attend my first Al-Anon meeting on Monday. So I have kick started myself into healing and figuring things out, I hope.
I've been fighting off feeling lonely, depressed and anxious that I'm making the wrong decision by staying away. I miss my home and my husband. I've been praying for clarity and none has come yet. My husband has stuck to quitting drinking completely. He attended 2 AA meetings so far, as well as 2 counseling sessions. He has talked about looking up an anger management specialist. He is doing some introspection & work on himself for the first time, though not an overwhelming amount. It sucks that it took me leaving completely for him to start working on himself.
We have been getting together once a week to talk. He is humble, although he has been doing a fair amount of trying to 'wear me down' by asking me back, which I told him to stop last time we talked. We do miss each other. I'm just not sure where to go in all of this. My heart just aches and getting through the holidays was mighty tough.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I guess reassurance that I'm still doing the right thing. I know I need to focus more on my own healing, and not him and what he's doing/ not doing. Any sage words for me, or other ideas of what I should be/ should not be doing?
An update on my situation- I am still living at my sister's. H and I have been separated for over 6 weeks now. I did allow myself to kind of slip into a funk over the holidays, then I had the flu. I hadn't really done much in the way of healing myself over the past month. My sister kicked my butt about that the other day, and she was right.
In the last couple of days, I have made an appointment with a separate counselor who works primarily with women, and has experience in abuse. I ordered Codependent No More, Why Does He Do That?-Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, and Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay. So those are on the way. I'm going to sign up for either a gym or yoga this week. I also plan to attend my first Al-Anon meeting on Monday. So I have kick started myself into healing and figuring things out, I hope.
I've been fighting off feeling lonely, depressed and anxious that I'm making the wrong decision by staying away. I miss my home and my husband. I've been praying for clarity and none has come yet. My husband has stuck to quitting drinking completely. He attended 2 AA meetings so far, as well as 2 counseling sessions. He has talked about looking up an anger management specialist. He is doing some introspection & work on himself for the first time, though not an overwhelming amount. It sucks that it took me leaving completely for him to start working on himself.
We have been getting together once a week to talk. He is humble, although he has been doing a fair amount of trying to 'wear me down' by asking me back, which I told him to stop last time we talked. We do miss each other. I'm just not sure where to go in all of this. My heart just aches and getting through the holidays was mighty tough.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I guess reassurance that I'm still doing the right thing. I know I need to focus more on my own healing, and not him and what he's doing/ not doing. Any sage words for me, or other ideas of what I should be/ should not be doing?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Brave, it sounds like you are exactly where you should be right now. And that's good. People need space to heal, and time to change. We say around here, "Don't just do something, stand there!"
The books, the counselor, the asking him to stop asking you back...all of that is good, solid you-focused stuff. There are no quick fixes here, but there is also no time table in which you have to have all of the answers. The heartaches and the missing him...those are all just pieces of information. They are feelings and they do not need to be acted upon. Not right now.
Take your time and be gentle with yourself. If you've yet to feel the clarity you've prayed for, it just means you are where you should be right now.
Keep posting. It helps.
The books, the counselor, the asking him to stop asking you back...all of that is good, solid you-focused stuff. There are no quick fixes here, but there is also no time table in which you have to have all of the answers. The heartaches and the missing him...those are all just pieces of information. They are feelings and they do not need to be acted upon. Not right now.
Take your time and be gentle with yourself. If you've yet to feel the clarity you've prayed for, it just means you are where you should be right now.
Keep posting. It helps.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Sounds like you're doing great Brave! It's a process....a journey. Your own healing will happen in your time frame, it's good you're not allowing your AH to push you into something too soon. I hope 2014 is a good year for you. 
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Brave...I think you are doing great! It sounds like you have built up the momentum to move forward. It is truly baby steps, and many times it is one step up three or four back. That's ok too. You miss the good in him which you are seeing sometimes now. The thing is, he is checking out this and that...but not truly truly involved into recovering. He is not safe at all. Don't forget that.
Keep working on you. Your sister sounds like my kind of girl! So glad you have her support. You did not cause this, you cannot change this and YOU cannot cure him. Let him take charge of his recovery and you take charge of yours!!
Tight Hugs!
Keep working on you. Your sister sounds like my kind of girl! So glad you have her support. You did not cause this, you cannot change this and YOU cannot cure him. Let him take charge of his recovery and you take charge of yours!!
Tight Hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
Thank you so much for your replies. You're right, he is doing some work but he's not really committed to anything yet, if he ever will be. I am trying to tell myself that it is OK to sit back, sort through my feelings, and see what he does over time.
Made a New Year's Resolution to put myself first, and do what is best for me. As soon as I figure out what the heck that is.
My books got here over the weekend, so I have a lot of reading to do.
I'm going to my first Al-Anon meeting today. I am so nervous. I posted that just now, so that I will actually go. I've been thinking about backing out all day. Eep.
Made a New Year's Resolution to put myself first, and do what is best for me. As soon as I figure out what the heck that is.
My books got here over the weekend, so I have a lot of reading to do.
I'm going to my first Al-Anon meeting today. I am so nervous. I posted that just now, so that I will actually go. I've been thinking about backing out all day. Eep.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
The Al-Anon meeting was ok. All women, I was the youngest one there. I was taken into a separate room for an intro meeting, and the woman was very nice. I couldn't go last week b/c of my work schedule but I will be going again. Maybe I'll try a couple different meetings.
My husband is still not drinking, so that's good. Other than that, he hasn't been doing much. He's really throwing himself into his work, which doesn't surprise me. (workaholic) He's promising to do more, but I can't control the outcome.
My question to myself right now is, "Can he really change?" Even if he is able to stop drinking completely, will he ever be able to get a handle on his temper? It's as much a part of his personality as anything else. Even if he gets really serious about trying, can a person really change their personality?
My husband is still not drinking, so that's good. Other than that, he hasn't been doing much. He's really throwing himself into his work, which doesn't surprise me. (workaholic) He's promising to do more, but I can't control the outcome.
My question to myself right now is, "Can he really change?" Even if he is able to stop drinking completely, will he ever be able to get a handle on his temper? It's as much a part of his personality as anything else. Even if he gets really serious about trying, can a person really change their personality?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Brave
The Al-Anon meeting was ok. All women, I was the youngest one there. I was taken into a separate room for an intro meeting, and the woman was very nice. I couldn't go last week b/c of my work schedule but I will be going again. Maybe I'll try a couple different meetings.
My husband is still not drinking, so that's good. Other than that, he hasn't been doing much. He's really throwing himself into his work, which doesn't surprise me. (workaholic) He's promising to do more, but I can't control the outcome.
My question to myself right now is, "Can he really change?" Even if he is able to stop drinking completely, will he ever be able to get a handle on his temper? It's as much a part of his personality as anything else. Even if he gets really serious about trying, can a person really change their personality?
My husband is still not drinking, so that's good. Other than that, he hasn't been doing much. He's really throwing himself into his work, which doesn't surprise me. (workaholic) He's promising to do more, but I can't control the outcome.
My question to myself right now is, "Can he really change?" Even if he is able to stop drinking completely, will he ever be able to get a handle on his temper? It's as much a part of his personality as anything else. Even if he gets really serious about trying, can a person really change their personality?
To the second part: I'd give a 2-pronged answer to this. First of all, you may be right about the A not changing. Sometimes a mean, abusive or angry A gets sober and remains mean, abusive and angry. The personality disorder or mental issues may be another problem entirely from the alcoholism. Some think that A's take to drinking to try to self-medicate their mental or emotional issues, and if that's true, taking away the alcohol part of the equation still leaves an untreated problem of another kind.
The second part of this answer I'd say would be to keep going to Alanon and keep working on YOU. Your A may or may not be able to change, but YOU surely can if you choose to. You will likely find that the more progress you make w/your OWN work, the less you'll care about what's going on over on HIS side of the street. Maybe that doesn't make sense right now, but as you work the Alanon program, it will indeed start to become clear.
Keep on w/the meetings, and read as much as you can here. Check Amazon for Alanon literature as well as your local library. Look into the Alanon magazine, "The Forum." Here's a link to some sample articles from that: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/the-forum-magazine Actually, this one http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/forum...he-crazy-train kind of addresses your questions directly; you might find this helpful.
The important thing is that YOU can get healthy and have the life YOU want, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by Brave
Even if he gets really serious about trying, can a person really change their personality?
As for al-anon, I would encourage you to just keep going and to try other meetings. I was also one of the youngest (if not the youngest) in the first couple of meetings that I attended. I'm in my early 40s. Once I started attending regularly and tried other meetings, I started seeing a lot more people in the 30s and 40s, and some that I think may even be their 20s. But, those first couple of meetings, most people looked 50ish or older. Last thing on al-anon is that the longer I go between meetings, the harder it is to keep going/working (& the more power my negative emotions have over me.) The more meetings I attend/frequently I attend, the easier it is to keep going and the less power those negative emotions have over me (consequently, the healthier I feel.) And, of course, I'm more likely to do regular reading and journaling if I'm attending. JMHO.
I'm sorry it's such a struggle
My AH is getting ready to move out. As right as the decision is, it still really hurts. I really struggle with romanticizing our relationship (as opposed to looking at it realistically) and fantasizing over possible future reconciliation scenarios. It's hard Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
I echo everything Dandylion has said. Everything you wrote is textbook addiction/co-dependent relationship 101 verse by verse. Know that you are not alone. Even certain professions lend themselves to co-dependents (like the medical field, first responders, and most "helping" professions like Social work etc.) There are 3 to 1 codependents for every alcoholic.
Al-Anon is a great idea and you will find face to face support there and a wealth of ESH, there, if you are open to going.
Words mean nothing coming from the active A. Even when the A appears sober he is not-alcohol is still in his system. He is under the influence. You may only go by Actions and for actions to reflect the truth, they will bear up under repetition. (The honest person is honest today, tomorrow and a month or year from now). You are out of the chaos..Stay out Until you SEE LASTING Evidence of real change. He has to have time for that to occur, it can not happen overnight or in a matter of a few weeks. The more resistant he is to it, the longer it will take.
I do see you processing the lingo but So far I see little evidence of you taking your counselor's advice. There are several reasons contact needs to be limited. Can a friend not go by and get what you need? What is it that you absolutely have to have that it would hurt to have two of (Buy duplicates in other words).
The co-dependent has attachment issues with regard to relationships. They are more afraid of being alone than being abused. There is an illusion that with enough effort they can "fix" any problem in a relationship if they just "love" enough. They are attracted by this need to unhealthy relationships from the onset. It is not an accident you chose to "go ahead with the wedding" in spite of evidence that there were problems to begin with.
Know also that addiction of anykind is progressive (°enerative). It gets worse if recovery is not sought. Know also that recovery is more than being "dry" from the substance and detox does not equal recovery. Abuse follows suit, it escalates if root issues are not dealt with. ALL these things take time and work to resolve.
As long as there is breath there is hope of recovery, but know the statistics are that few even seek recovery, of those who do about 1/2 commit to it long term. Then 1/4 of those relapse 1 or more times even after several yrs. The road of recovery is not soft, gentle nor short.
Take some time and learn about co-dependency, addiction, trauma bonds, gaslighting and the cycles each generates. Children of Alcoholics have higher risks of Autism and Asperger's than non A's. The environmental effects on children raised in alcoholic homes starts early and lasts a lifetime. Any ACOA meeting will bear this out. I would encourage you to go to open AA and ACOA meetings as part of your learning process. It is not uncommon for the child of an alcoholic to marry an alcoholic even if that child never takes a drink in it's life.
You have shown wisdom in realizing there is a problem and in identifying some distorted thinking patterns and most importantly by seeking help. I hope you will utilize every tool at your disposal. Read, study and learn from the ESH of others..it beats the school of hard knocks any day. You deserve a serene and peaceful life and know that it is available to you whether or not your husband seeks recovery for his illness.
Al-Anon is a great idea and you will find face to face support there and a wealth of ESH, there, if you are open to going.
Words mean nothing coming from the active A. Even when the A appears sober he is not-alcohol is still in his system. He is under the influence. You may only go by Actions and for actions to reflect the truth, they will bear up under repetition. (The honest person is honest today, tomorrow and a month or year from now). You are out of the chaos..Stay out Until you SEE LASTING Evidence of real change. He has to have time for that to occur, it can not happen overnight or in a matter of a few weeks. The more resistant he is to it, the longer it will take.
I do see you processing the lingo but So far I see little evidence of you taking your counselor's advice. There are several reasons contact needs to be limited. Can a friend not go by and get what you need? What is it that you absolutely have to have that it would hurt to have two of (Buy duplicates in other words).
The co-dependent has attachment issues with regard to relationships. They are more afraid of being alone than being abused. There is an illusion that with enough effort they can "fix" any problem in a relationship if they just "love" enough. They are attracted by this need to unhealthy relationships from the onset. It is not an accident you chose to "go ahead with the wedding" in spite of evidence that there were problems to begin with.
Know also that addiction of anykind is progressive (°enerative). It gets worse if recovery is not sought. Know also that recovery is more than being "dry" from the substance and detox does not equal recovery. Abuse follows suit, it escalates if root issues are not dealt with. ALL these things take time and work to resolve.
As long as there is breath there is hope of recovery, but know the statistics are that few even seek recovery, of those who do about 1/2 commit to it long term. Then 1/4 of those relapse 1 or more times even after several yrs. The road of recovery is not soft, gentle nor short.
Take some time and learn about co-dependency, addiction, trauma bonds, gaslighting and the cycles each generates. Children of Alcoholics have higher risks of Autism and Asperger's than non A's. The environmental effects on children raised in alcoholic homes starts early and lasts a lifetime. Any ACOA meeting will bear this out. I would encourage you to go to open AA and ACOA meetings as part of your learning process. It is not uncommon for the child of an alcoholic to marry an alcoholic even if that child never takes a drink in it's life.
You have shown wisdom in realizing there is a problem and in identifying some distorted thinking patterns and most importantly by seeking help. I hope you will utilize every tool at your disposal. Read, study and learn from the ESH of others..it beats the school of hard knocks any day. You deserve a serene and peaceful life and know that it is available to you whether or not your husband seeks recovery for his illness.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
