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Warning! Intruder alert!
I am the one addicted to alcohol. I have been married four years. H and I drank together in the beginning. I took it too far. I am the addict. I have been trying to beat this addiction. I have decreased my intake significantly but not altogether. I have a great job, take care of the household duties. My intake is my issue. I am working on it. Not here for advice on that.
Just want to understand detachment. Does it mean no sex, sleeping on the couch, no interaction with the six-year old child, video games all your waking hours as an escape? Laying on the couch with very little interaction with wife or child? F&F..... help me see from your perspective.
Just want to understand detachment. Does it mean no sex, sleeping on the couch, no interaction with the six-year old child, video games all your waking hours as an escape? Laying on the couch with very little interaction with wife or child? F&F..... help me see from your perspective.
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There are threads on here about detatchment... I guess my interpretation would be that not letting someone elses issues, bad day, quacking and so on...have an affect on your serenity! Not getting so attatched to someone elses problems that you loose yourself and your own identity in them.
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Join Date: May 2012
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For me, detachment is a tool to be used short-term during high-stress/crisis times. It isn't a state of being or intended to be used as a way of living, to the best of my understanding. It helps us get through the "moment" emotionally without taking on more damage, but doesn't help problem-solve to reach a solution long-term for either party involved.
What you are describing sounds much deeper & more along the lines of depression or denial, but it's impossible to say without understanding his POV a little more clearly. I can definitely say I've had periods of this kind of catatonic state even during RAH's recovery, but again, it is a temporary mental state when things are at a particularly difficult point.
What you are describing sounds much deeper & more along the lines of depression or denial, but it's impossible to say without understanding his POV a little more clearly. I can definitely say I've had periods of this kind of catatonic state even during RAH's recovery, but again, it is a temporary mental state when things are at a particularly difficult point.
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Detachment meant no sex for me, yes. It also meant I was cold to my husband because being kind and loving wasn't how I wanted to be towards him when he was actively drinking. In my case, it also meant that I was self medicating with shopping while he was self medicating with alcohol. I would wager that your husband is self medicating with video games. Detachment means different things to people. I couldn't fully detach from my husband while we were living together and he couldn't get sober while we were living together which made for a really hostile home for our two daughters.
Are you trying to justify his behavior? All you can focus on is yourself and all he can focus on is himself. From my personal experience, once RAH and I weren't living together we both were able to focus on our own individual problems and detachment became much easier. Gradually we're both improving and becoming better people and better parents.
Are you trying to justify his behavior? All you can focus on is yourself and all he can focus on is himself. From my personal experience, once RAH and I weren't living together we both were able to focus on our own individual problems and detachment became much easier. Gradually we're both improving and becoming better people and better parents.
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Detachment as I understand it, as I've used it, means not letting the other person (whether it be an addicted spouse, a narcissist boss, or an overdramatic teen) drag you into their drama. It means if your husband comes home angry, you let him be angry but you don't get angry or anxious or irritated; you keep YOUR feelings and he keeps HIS.
It also means you take care of yourself and he takes care of him. You don't hound him for being on the couch and not helping, he doesn't hound you about how much you're drinking. You both mind yer own business.
The behavior you are describing may be detachment -- I know there were periods when I chose to interact very little with my ex because it always led to fights when I did.
I can't read your husband's behavior since I don't know him. But I can tell you I didn't have sex with my ex (voluntarily) or share a bed with him because his drinking was more important to him than I was. I didn't play video games but I plowed through 500-page novels every night after the kids were in bed to escape.
Honestly, though, it sounds like y'all need more help than you're getting. You may resent him and he may resent you but you have a six-year-old child who did not ask to be put in this situation. At least one of you needs to step up to the plate, step away from their own selfish needs, and take care of that child.
It also means you take care of yourself and he takes care of him. You don't hound him for being on the couch and not helping, he doesn't hound you about how much you're drinking. You both mind yer own business.
The behavior you are describing may be detachment -- I know there were periods when I chose to interact very little with my ex because it always led to fights when I did.
I can't read your husband's behavior since I don't know him. But I can tell you I didn't have sex with my ex (voluntarily) or share a bed with him because his drinking was more important to him than I was. I didn't play video games but I plowed through 500-page novels every night after the kids were in bed to escape.
Honestly, though, it sounds like y'all need more help than you're getting. You may resent him and he may resent you but you have a six-year-old child who did not ask to be put in this situation. At least one of you needs to step up to the plate, step away from their own selfish needs, and take care of that child.
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Hi ali2013,
I went back and read your original posts. It seems you had about 30 days sober last year after detox and rehab. I understand you are actively drinking now.
I believed my AXH when he said he was embracing sobriety. When I discovered he was drinking again, I felt disgusted, betrayed, manipulated, and neglected. I was also mad at myself for believing him again.
I don't know if my response to his drinking again was healthy detachment, or pure disgust.
I deserved to be treated with respect, honesty and love from my life partner. I had to detach physically, and emotionally from him and his addiction.
I went back and read your original posts. It seems you had about 30 days sober last year after detox and rehab. I understand you are actively drinking now.
I believed my AXH when he said he was embracing sobriety. When I discovered he was drinking again, I felt disgusted, betrayed, manipulated, and neglected. I was also mad at myself for believing him again.
I don't know if my response to his drinking again was healthy detachment, or pure disgust.
I deserved to be treated with respect, honesty and love from my life partner. I had to detach physically, and emotionally from him and his addiction.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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I have read a lot of others' opinions on detachment as it seems to be something that a lot of us have difficulties with (I'm a member of more than one site for families of alcoholics). Detachment with compassion is what Al Anon advocates, but I have yet to talk to one single person that hasn't struggled with this at least once.
For me it meant no sex, sleeping in the guest room, ignoring him when he was drinking, only responding to him when directly spoken to by him, and just keeping "my side of the street" clean. When he was drinking he smelled of alcohol and it is a smell that turns my stomach, so snuggling, kissing, or physical closeness would make me physically ill. It seemed like I was being "cold" to him, and I admit that it was. Whether it bothered him or not, I don't know...he seemed not to notice and when brought up in a conversation later he said he didn't notice - perhaps with his degree of drunkenness, he didn't.
Personally, I resented him. I resented him choosing alcohol over me, his dogs, responsibilities, hygiene. I resented him going out all of the time and leaving me at home alone. I hated that I felt like I was taken for granted, and that I felt I was only there as long as I made his life easier. I had to let him go; let our relationship go. It hurts, it hurts really bad. If it were another woman I could have accepted it. If it were a personal fault with me, it would be easier. The fact that it's a chemical that is physically, emotionally, mentally and financially destroying him and yet he will still choose it over everything else each and every time hurts more than can possibly be explained. I choose NOT to be a part of the irrationality and insanity of that any longer. Not because I didn't love him...but because I love him too much to be a witness to the slow death.
Everyone handles detachment differently...I hope that you can reach out and lovingly talk to him about it. Perhaps ask him his feelings on the matter. It may be frightening, but just knowing that his feelings are heard by you may help open up a deeper understanding and help you both.
For me it meant no sex, sleeping in the guest room, ignoring him when he was drinking, only responding to him when directly spoken to by him, and just keeping "my side of the street" clean. When he was drinking he smelled of alcohol and it is a smell that turns my stomach, so snuggling, kissing, or physical closeness would make me physically ill. It seemed like I was being "cold" to him, and I admit that it was. Whether it bothered him or not, I don't know...he seemed not to notice and when brought up in a conversation later he said he didn't notice - perhaps with his degree of drunkenness, he didn't.
Personally, I resented him. I resented him choosing alcohol over me, his dogs, responsibilities, hygiene. I resented him going out all of the time and leaving me at home alone. I hated that I felt like I was taken for granted, and that I felt I was only there as long as I made his life easier. I had to let him go; let our relationship go. It hurts, it hurts really bad. If it were another woman I could have accepted it. If it were a personal fault with me, it would be easier. The fact that it's a chemical that is physically, emotionally, mentally and financially destroying him and yet he will still choose it over everything else each and every time hurts more than can possibly be explained. I choose NOT to be a part of the irrationality and insanity of that any longer. Not because I didn't love him...but because I love him too much to be a witness to the slow death.
Everyone handles detachment differently...I hope that you can reach out and lovingly talk to him about it. Perhaps ask him his feelings on the matter. It may be frightening, but just knowing that his feelings are heard by you may help open up a deeper understanding and help you both.
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Originally Posted by Ali2013 
I am the one addicted to alcohol. I have been married four years. H and I drank together in the beginning. I took it too far. I am the addict. I have been trying to beat this addiction. I have decreased my intake significantly but not altogether. I have a great job, take care of the household duties. My intake is my issue. I am working on it. Not here for advice on that.
help me see from your perspective.
help me see from your perspective.
Is that kind enough?
Just want to understand detachment. Does it mean no sex, sleeping on the couch, no interaction with the six-year old child, video games all your waking hours as an escape? Laying on the couch with very little interaction with wife or child? F&F.....
Just saying the words that go with the picture you are painting.
Is he doing Alanon?
The kid is likely to need to need Alateen in a few years, as well.
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My xah is so false, so full of 'pretending everything is normal' after he has been abusive to me and the children and lied to everyone I know to put the blame for our divorce on me. ...
My detachment is so intense that when I picked up the phone and it was him - I didn't say a word to him. I gave my phone to my third child, who was the only one interested in talking to him.
It isn't anger or disgust as much as a recognition that I don't bother talking to my scotch tape dispenser either. Because there is no point. Only xah is a dispenser with sharp teeth that bite and a brain working hard to manipulate and destroy me. The only cure for that craziness is to not give it any power over me but not letting it spend a minute of time in my brain.
Your six year old needs you. You don't know how alcohol takes you away. I am still realizing how much my avoidance of my xah when I still lived with him, made me so much less present for my children. It isn't until you've been in recovery for many months/years that you realize all that has happened while you were checking out because of alcoholism - either yours or your spouse's.
I am not sugar coating any of this for you. That doesn't work. What works is facing the pain and cleaning up the mess. The more you want to avoid it, the worse it is. But messes can be cleaned up, with hard honest work over a long and patient, very long and very patient, effort.
My detachment is so intense that when I picked up the phone and it was him - I didn't say a word to him. I gave my phone to my third child, who was the only one interested in talking to him.
It isn't anger or disgust as much as a recognition that I don't bother talking to my scotch tape dispenser either. Because there is no point. Only xah is a dispenser with sharp teeth that bite and a brain working hard to manipulate and destroy me. The only cure for that craziness is to not give it any power over me but not letting it spend a minute of time in my brain.
Your six year old needs you. You don't know how alcohol takes you away. I am still realizing how much my avoidance of my xah when I still lived with him, made me so much less present for my children. It isn't until you've been in recovery for many months/years that you realize all that has happened while you were checking out because of alcoholism - either yours or your spouse's.
I am not sugar coating any of this for you. That doesn't work. What works is facing the pain and cleaning up the mess. The more you want to avoid it, the worse it is. But messes can be cleaned up, with hard honest work over a long and patient, very long and very patient, effort.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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What you described sounds more to me like depression/escapism, not detachment. Is it recent? Or has it been going on a while? Was there an incident with your drinking that may have triggered this response in him?
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Hello, I am sorry this disease has gotten you in it's grips and happy to hear you are aware and working on it, especially with a six year old.
For me, detatchment means detatching from the chaos and anxiety that comes with alcoholism. The anxiety of are you going where you say, are you sneaking drinks when you say you are not, the lies that come with it (my husband lies about it, that is not about you specifically), the worry about what will happen to my family and realizing I cannot control it.
If anything, it has made me live a life of feeling like a single mom for a while. I drive my kids everywhere b/c I don't trust my husband to drive unless I know with 100% certainty. It has also brought me closer to my kids because we have had to have alot of heart to hearts about all of this (I don't cover for him, so they are very aware of what is going on). I take care of our household 99%.
So no, it sounds to me like you partner is being lazy and neglecting himself and his child. I cannot tell you the reason. Is he depressed and feeling lost? I suggest you be honest and open with him about it and see if you can find out why he is doing this.
I guess for me my #1 concern is always about the children. They are first, before your needs or his. So this tells me your child is likely needing some emoational support.
I wish you good luck in your recovery. God Bless.
For me, detatchment means detatching from the chaos and anxiety that comes with alcoholism. The anxiety of are you going where you say, are you sneaking drinks when you say you are not, the lies that come with it (my husband lies about it, that is not about you specifically), the worry about what will happen to my family and realizing I cannot control it.
If anything, it has made me live a life of feeling like a single mom for a while. I drive my kids everywhere b/c I don't trust my husband to drive unless I know with 100% certainty. It has also brought me closer to my kids because we have had to have alot of heart to hearts about all of this (I don't cover for him, so they are very aware of what is going on). I take care of our household 99%.
So no, it sounds to me like you partner is being lazy and neglecting himself and his child. I cannot tell you the reason. Is he depressed and feeling lost? I suggest you be honest and open with him about it and see if you can find out why he is doing this.
I guess for me my #1 concern is always about the children. They are first, before your needs or his. So this tells me your child is likely needing some emoational support.
I wish you good luck in your recovery. God Bless.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Al Anon has a piece of literature entitled, "Detachment." It's a quick little read, just a strip of paper. You can get one by going to an Al Anon meeting. If the meeting is an open meeting, you would be welcome there. Check to make sure if it's open or closed if you decide you want to go to an Al Anon meeting.
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Location: Baltimore, MD
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Just reading over the responses, detachment ranges by personal definition.
It can be as subtle as 'you're behavior/reactions, etc are not going to affect me', all the way to leaving the house until the alcoholic passes out.
The constant thing is that its something that is needed because the non-addicted spouse/partner chose to stay...for now.
Many here have chosen the final detachment, and with that, found themselves and happiness again.
I pray you are successful in your daily recovery.
I also pray my addicted/alcoholic wife chooses the same.
It can be as subtle as 'you're behavior/reactions, etc are not going to affect me', all the way to leaving the house until the alcoholic passes out.
The constant thing is that its something that is needed because the non-addicted spouse/partner chose to stay...for now.
Many here have chosen the final detachment, and with that, found themselves and happiness again.
I pray you are successful in your daily recovery.
I also pray my addicted/alcoholic wife chooses the same.
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