I'm new- and I just left him. Trying to be brave.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through. I'm a daughter of an alcoholic who is an ex-policeman and who becomes aggressive, argumentative, hurtful and disgusting when he drinks.
I understand the fear and constant anxiety. It wasn't until I removed myself COMPLETELY from that situation that I realised that I'd been living with constant underlying anxiety that caused me eventual mental health problems when his behaviour became worse...
You DO. NOT. deserve this. We allow people into our lives to better them not adversely affect them to the point where we are afraid for our lives. You have absolutely made the right decision.
I may offer different advice than some who may say that working through problems is a good things and counselling may help etc but I disagree. I understand that you may love your husband, however, he is treating you badly and in a way that is extreme, volatile and inappropriate. In my experience, this only gets worse. Remorse is one thing but it is sometimes short lived if the root cause of the problem is not corrected and addressed. Even then, damage is sometimes already done.
You must care for yourself and put yourself first. You have no children in the mix. Please, please do not involve a child unless you can provide them with a stable and comfortable environment. I was a child growing up with an alcoholic father and watched my family fall apart. I now have cut myself off from my father and I suffered significant mental health issues due to growing up in such an environment.
You have done the right thing. Surround yourself with those who will care and listen. Seek help and comfort. You owe it to yourself to seek contentment and a place where you do not have to worry where the next outburst is coming from.
I wish you strength to remove yourself from this unhealthy situation and best wishes for the future. I've found the lovely people on this forum to be extremely compassionate and full of the most wonderfully validating advice - I hope you find help here.
I understand the fear and constant anxiety. It wasn't until I removed myself COMPLETELY from that situation that I realised that I'd been living with constant underlying anxiety that caused me eventual mental health problems when his behaviour became worse...
You DO. NOT. deserve this. We allow people into our lives to better them not adversely affect them to the point where we are afraid for our lives. You have absolutely made the right decision.
I may offer different advice than some who may say that working through problems is a good things and counselling may help etc but I disagree. I understand that you may love your husband, however, he is treating you badly and in a way that is extreme, volatile and inappropriate. In my experience, this only gets worse. Remorse is one thing but it is sometimes short lived if the root cause of the problem is not corrected and addressed. Even then, damage is sometimes already done.
You must care for yourself and put yourself first. You have no children in the mix. Please, please do not involve a child unless you can provide them with a stable and comfortable environment. I was a child growing up with an alcoholic father and watched my family fall apart. I now have cut myself off from my father and I suffered significant mental health issues due to growing up in such an environment.
You have done the right thing. Surround yourself with those who will care and listen. Seek help and comfort. You owe it to yourself to seek contentment and a place where you do not have to worry where the next outburst is coming from.
I wish you strength to remove yourself from this unhealthy situation and best wishes for the future. I've found the lovely people on this forum to be extremely compassionate and full of the most wonderfully validating advice - I hope you find help here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
Status: still separated. I feel stuck, a bit paralysed. I wish so much that I knew what the best choice will be for me, so that I can have a direction to move in. Plus I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice.
H is attending counseling every week with no prompting from me, and he feels he is making progress. They're focusing equally on his anger and alcohol issues. I'm happy for him that he feels that it's good for him. After the two AA meetings he went to, he stopped going. But he has still not had anything to drink since shortly after we separated. I feel he's on best behavior, he's not putting any pressure on me, and we've had some good talks.
With me, he couldn't win for losing right now. If he was doing nothing, I'd think, "See?? I was right!" - and now that he's working on things, I think "Really?? So it took me finally packing up and leaving for you to really do anything??"
We're getting together once a week to have dinner. When we get together, sometimes I feel cool and guarded. Other times, I feel relaxed and like I'm regaining...something, some type of positive feelings. I've been taking your advice and avoiding the house, going there does make it quite a bit harder emotionally on me.
I have been reading books on codependency and abuse, going to the gym, eating well, keeping busy, and trying to keep up positive habits for myself. I also have an appointment with a new therapist next week, a co-worker recommended her. She had quite a wait, so I hope that means she's good.
This indecision is so hard. I know there's nothing wrong with watching and waiting, but the limbo period feels so stressful. Can I get a crystal ball here please? Hell I'll take a magic 8-ball or fortune cookie at this point.
H is attending counseling every week with no prompting from me, and he feels he is making progress. They're focusing equally on his anger and alcohol issues. I'm happy for him that he feels that it's good for him. After the two AA meetings he went to, he stopped going. But he has still not had anything to drink since shortly after we separated. I feel he's on best behavior, he's not putting any pressure on me, and we've had some good talks.
With me, he couldn't win for losing right now. If he was doing nothing, I'd think, "See?? I was right!" - and now that he's working on things, I think "Really?? So it took me finally packing up and leaving for you to really do anything??"
We're getting together once a week to have dinner. When we get together, sometimes I feel cool and guarded. Other times, I feel relaxed and like I'm regaining...something, some type of positive feelings. I've been taking your advice and avoiding the house, going there does make it quite a bit harder emotionally on me.
I have been reading books on codependency and abuse, going to the gym, eating well, keeping busy, and trying to keep up positive habits for myself. I also have an appointment with a new therapist next week, a co-worker recommended her. She had quite a wait, so I hope that means she's good.
This indecision is so hard. I know there's nothing wrong with watching and waiting, but the limbo period feels so stressful. Can I get a crystal ball here please? Hell I'll take a magic 8-ball or fortune cookie at this point.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
dandyloin one wise fortuneteller. . .
Trust your gut Brave.
Still very early in the sobriety as far as I can see, and there is absolutely no rush.
An angry alcoholic is nothing to mess unless there is sustained, deep, and profound
change over time. If it were me (as an alcoholic myself who grew up with an alcoholic)
I don't think I would remotely consider moving back for a very long time.
I know what white-knuckling is like, having seen it and done it, and I wonder if that
isn't what is going on here. Hopefully, I'm wrong and he's building momentum in his
recovery, but only time will tell.
Best to you and keep working on your side of the street. That sounds like it is going well!
Trust your gut Brave.
Still very early in the sobriety as far as I can see, and there is absolutely no rush.
An angry alcoholic is nothing to mess unless there is sustained, deep, and profound
change over time. If it were me (as an alcoholic myself who grew up with an alcoholic)
I don't think I would remotely consider moving back for a very long time.
I know what white-knuckling is like, having seen it and done it, and I wonder if that
isn't what is going on here. Hopefully, I'm wrong and he's building momentum in his
recovery, but only time will tell.
Best to you and keep working on your side of the street. That sounds like it is going well!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
The biggest mistake I made was not understanding that the alcoholism and abuse were 2 entirely different issues, so I was focused on the alcoholism thinking that if he quit drinking things would improve. NOT!
I am so very glad you got the book "inside the minds of controlling men"...bet it gives you goosebumps at some points.
It's much harder to get clarity meeting up with him once a week.
I wonder what would happen if you went no contact for a month.
That was an important turning point for me that I would heartily recommend.
Unfortunately I stayed and stayed and reunited more times than I can count but finally I got scared for myself. That horrible gift of fear saved my life.
I am so very glad you got the book "inside the minds of controlling men"...bet it gives you goosebumps at some points.
It's much harder to get clarity meeting up with him once a week.
I wonder what would happen if you went no contact for a month.
That was an important turning point for me that I would heartily recommend.
Unfortunately I stayed and stayed and reunited more times than I can count but finally I got scared for myself. That horrible gift of fear saved my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
Dandylion- I wish he had gone to a few more meetings before deciding it wasn't for him. He has been reading some, so that's good. I could make a fuss, but I know forcing him to do it won't do any real good.
Hawk- I wonder if he's white knuckling, too. He was never a daily drinker, he has issues with binge drinking. I am afraid that once I'm back home he'll start to phase drinking back into his life again, thinking that he can be a 'social drinker.'
Live- That's a good point about going no contact. I don't know...I'll think about it for sure. And yes, the book did really hit home for me in parts. When it talked about types of abusers, I thought I wouldn't find him in there. But there it was. He's the 'Rambo' type. The other parts that really got me were where it talks about how small a percentage of these men are able to sustain change, and also what an abusers common reactions are when the partner leaves. All hit home.
Right now it's pretty surreal to sit back and think- this is really my life right now. So much I never bargained for.
Hawk- I wonder if he's white knuckling, too. He was never a daily drinker, he has issues with binge drinking. I am afraid that once I'm back home he'll start to phase drinking back into his life again, thinking that he can be a 'social drinker.'
Live- That's a good point about going no contact. I don't know...I'll think about it for sure. And yes, the book did really hit home for me in parts. When it talked about types of abusers, I thought I wouldn't find him in there. But there it was. He's the 'Rambo' type. The other parts that really got me were where it talks about how small a percentage of these men are able to sustain change, and also what an abusers common reactions are when the partner leaves. All hit home.
Right now it's pretty surreal to sit back and think- this is really my life right now. So much I never bargained for.
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