change AH passcode or leave it alone? What would u do?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I am just speaking from personal experience. What didn't ever work with my abusive xah was being civilized, paying lawyers to keep him in check ( he ignored them), going to court (he ignored court orders) or giving the benefit of the doubt while maintaining the high road.
I got run over. Several times.
What did work: taking money from our joint account before the divorce got rolling, and hiding it for use when he stopped paying child support, which he did.
Getting free expert advice from specialized government and ngo entities concerning the complicated issues of my case ( much better than the advice I paid lawyers to - not - adequately give me
Establishing extremely firm, clear boundaries regarding contact, visitation, etc.
Focusing efforts on my future earning possibilities
Keeping everyone around us in the loop about ah so there are eyes on xah at all times (to keep his behavior with children and our mutual assetts in check)
Following the rules but taking matters into my own hands whenever possible.
I hope some of that helps a little. I am finally figuring this thing out but it took a very long time to realize how the systems work and how horribly xah would continue to behave. But I had laws of two countries plus international law to figure out.
Do be smart and take every opportunity now to protect you and your children. I wish you faith in yourself and courage to get through this difficult time.
I got run over. Several times.
What did work: taking money from our joint account before the divorce got rolling, and hiding it for use when he stopped paying child support, which he did.
Getting free expert advice from specialized government and ngo entities concerning the complicated issues of my case ( much better than the advice I paid lawyers to - not - adequately give me
Establishing extremely firm, clear boundaries regarding contact, visitation, etc.
Focusing efforts on my future earning possibilities
Keeping everyone around us in the loop about ah so there are eyes on xah at all times (to keep his behavior with children and our mutual assetts in check)
Following the rules but taking matters into my own hands whenever possible.
I hope some of that helps a little. I am finally figuring this thing out but it took a very long time to realize how the systems work and how horribly xah would continue to behave. But I had laws of two countries plus international law to figure out.
Do be smart and take every opportunity now to protect you and your children. I wish you faith in yourself and courage to get through this difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by Upsetnneedhelp 
The fact that you were a victim of domestic violence would not stop the State from charging you if you took his money.
Not that I'm advocating for it. Just saying.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I can't imagine any DA who would waste time and resources on that...
I would not advise you do it either. Call the domestic violence number Florence gave you and ask them for referrals. Also in some Counties, they have free legal clinics and before you dismiss them, a lot of them are staffed by real competent lawyers who do monthly quota of pro bono work for their firms and not by some well meaning Mickey Mouse interns. Consult with a lawyer about the options and everything and no matter how tempting and justifiable it might seem, do not break the law.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Ps: my first reaction when I read your post was F.... him, take his money and make a good new life for yourself and your kid, you deserve it.
The thing I learned in recovery though is to try to think before I act rather than react.
If you start a new life on shabby grounds, it might come back to haunt you, better to start from scratch but with solid foundations and knowing that you are in the right and at the right place.
hugs
The thing I learned in recovery though is to try to think before I act rather than react.
If you start a new life on shabby grounds, it might come back to haunt you, better to start from scratch but with solid foundations and knowing that you are in the right and at the right place.
hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I can tell you that I could never, ever get info on my husband's acct through the bank because I was not on the acct. I could call the bank til the cows came home by using the automated service and entering his acct number and password but to write a check... nope. I could use his debit card all day long because he allowed me. It wasn't until he signed the POA, along with the wills and living wills did I gain access to very sensitive information and be able to access them as if I were him. I have read our POA and NOTHING is to be done in a spiteful manner or we could face consequences if our actions reflected abuse on either person. I have used the POA to get medical info passed from dr to dr to dr and to write a couple mortgage and truck payments that he asked me to do. I have also been allowed to use it to gain info on the mortgage too so if in the future he becomes incapacitated (I pray he doesn't!!!), I am not running around like a chicken with my head cut off. He in turn can do the same for me if something were to happen to me.
Having that POA and the wills was something we always talked about but never did. My hands were tied for awhile after his accident and this freed me up to act on our family unit's best interest.
You are in a tough spot. You, unfortunately, have no rights to the acct if he's barred you from it. I don't think it's right but that's what has happened to you. If my husband was so cold and brazen, I'd seriously have to cut my losses and move on. I don't know how old you are but I can tell you, a job is in your immediate future. Don't depend on a man to provide you with something you can provide yourself. I know that sounds harsh but if you become self sufficient, you'll never have to be in this position again.
Having that POA and the wills was something we always talked about but never did. My hands were tied for awhile after his accident and this freed me up to act on our family unit's best interest.
You are in a tough spot. You, unfortunately, have no rights to the acct if he's barred you from it. I don't think it's right but that's what has happened to you. If my husband was so cold and brazen, I'd seriously have to cut my losses and move on. I don't know how old you are but I can tell you, a job is in your immediate future. Don't depend on a man to provide you with something you can provide yourself. I know that sounds harsh but if you become self sufficient, you'll never have to be in this position again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Indiana, IL
Posts: 424
Taking money from your husband account is wrong. Of course, many co-dependents justify insane behavior. I would suggest looking at alcoholics that tried to take their loved ones money. Of course, it's different on this side but is it really? The law is the law and if the account is in his name than thats it?!! Unbelievable, what I see and read in this section.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
I never said I was taking money out of his account, so I guess I should of clarified that. What my original question was changing the passcode to online banking to see if I need somehow deposit money in to keep up with the important bills in his name. I am sorry that maybe my comments/behavior sounds co-dependent but this whole time I am in survival mode. Some of you know what I'm talking about. Some do not. I have called the hotline (thank you for that) and I am exhausting every resource I can. I am not going to change his passcode, because obviously I don't need any legal trouble. I am just shocked by some of the not so gentle responses.
Good conversation though......
Good conversation though......
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear positiveChange, I know that the pressures that you feel are heavy. I have been in similar shoes as a single parent of three children--long ago...LOL. The financial matters can make you feel just nuts--until you get your matters squared away.
It was a good move to call the hotline--even if they are slow in responding? , you will still get good references and help from them. Try to be patient---but PERSISTENT. Persistence will become your "best friend" in the coming weeks--trust me.
Things will not always be like this. Take note of the many members of this forum who have gone through Hel* , at your stage---and, are now, living a life of peace and enjoying their life! You can and will do the same.
dandylion
It was a good move to call the hotline--even if they are slow in responding? , you will still get good references and help from them. Try to be patient---but PERSISTENT. Persistence will become your "best friend" in the coming weeks--trust me.
Things will not always be like this. Take note of the many members of this forum who have gone through Hel* , at your stage---and, are now, living a life of peace and enjoying their life! You can and will do the same.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I know the worry and anxiety. I think the biggest difference between me and you is that I had exclusive use and you don't. I do know this... you can deposit money in the acct if you know it's going to bounce. I know my bank has let me put money in hubs acct by just going in and saying, I want to make a deposit in what's his name's acct.
Things you should think about is, who's going to stay in the house? Who's staying/going when he gets out? If you know you're going to stay there, get the bills in your name. The sooner the better. If something gets shut off in his name, not your problem. Remember, he locked you out of the acct. He barred you from accessing online bills and family business and in the end, that will bite him. Whatever bills get run up in his name because he was jailed and couldn't keep the cash flow going to pay said bills is not your problem. Just be prepared when those utilities do get shut off, it's on you to provide. You'll need security deposits on some if this is your first time holding utilities.
Believe me when I tell you this is not easy when the bottom falls out of your bucket the way it has! You start thinking of things you never thought of before just to get through. One step in front of the other. Some day, you'll have everything you could ever need to provide for you and your child/ren and no one can take that from you because you acquired it on your own. It's yours. You worked your ass off for it. You'll feel accomplished. You'll get there. It's a rough road but you'll get there.
Things you should think about is, who's going to stay in the house? Who's staying/going when he gets out? If you know you're going to stay there, get the bills in your name. The sooner the better. If something gets shut off in his name, not your problem. Remember, he locked you out of the acct. He barred you from accessing online bills and family business and in the end, that will bite him. Whatever bills get run up in his name because he was jailed and couldn't keep the cash flow going to pay said bills is not your problem. Just be prepared when those utilities do get shut off, it's on you to provide. You'll need security deposits on some if this is your first time holding utilities.
Believe me when I tell you this is not easy when the bottom falls out of your bucket the way it has! You start thinking of things you never thought of before just to get through. One step in front of the other. Some day, you'll have everything you could ever need to provide for you and your child/ren and no one can take that from you because you acquired it on your own. It's yours. You worked your ass off for it. You'll feel accomplished. You'll get there. It's a rough road but you'll get there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by positivechang
I never said I was taking money out of his account, so I guess I should of clarified that. What my original question was changing the passcode to online banking to see if I need somehow deposit money in to keep up with the important bills in his name. I am sorry that maybe my comments/behavior sounds co-dependent but this whole time I am in survival mode. Some of you know what I'm talking about. Some do not. I have called the hotline (thank you for that) and I am exhausting every resource I can. I am not going to change his passcode, because obviously I don't need any legal trouble. I am just shocked by some of the not so gentle responses.
Good conversation though......
Good conversation though......
If it were my choice I would (assuming it's legal which I would find out from a legal professional) do what my gut said was best for me in my situation...and if someone else wants to judge that's on them not you. All you can do is make the best decision for yourself with the information you have at the time along with your gut. And so what if it's not perfect - you're doing the best you can. Keep moving forward the best you can and that's all you can ask of yourself.
EDIT: This sort of reminds me of the thread I just made on the "rules" - following life's rules for me personally is what got me into this mess....however like Florence I'm not a die hard Alanon either...
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