PippiLngstockng

My Xah changed accounts after the temporary orders were in place, which defies the orders. He locked me out of accounts and hid money, then blamed the artificially created debt crisi on me and is getting away with everything. He has destroyed our co owned house so on paper it has very little value. He has not paid the bills that are in my name to try to get me in trouble with bill collectors. He has destroyed me financially and tells everyone that I have destroyed him.

The lawyers tell me to follow the rules and I have. But they have not gone after him and I can't afford a lawyer any more. They didn't orotect me anyway.

I don't believe the law helps people like me much.

I think if you have a way to protect yourself financially and not get caught doing it, do it.

A lot of people who give advice here don't have children, have not been with someone who was abusive and don't know how desperate a mother is who can actually not keep her child fed.

Al Anon teachings are lovely and help.

But God knows, a child must be protected, comforted and fed.

Booo

I would, without a doubt check to see if the bills are being paid. Is there a simple way to get a court order to get access to the funds to feed the kids? (I am sorry I do not know if you have kids, I may have missed something) I think there must be a women's center or low cost legal center who can help you find out your rights.

dandylion

positive change.....My thinking is like Jarp, in the post, above. If you want to k now if the bills are being paid.....contact one of the utility companies and find out when the last bill was paid...or the insurance or the mortgage company.

dandylion

posiesperson

There are legal organizations for women who are survivors of domestic violence. You might want to check out your local area options to see if some of those exist where you are. Many of them are sliding scale, or pro bono, and they will connect women to job networks, places to get interview-appropriate clothing and affordable counseling.

As for the bank account questions, I personally wouldn't touch that money until I had the law on my side. The consequences could be very severe otherwise.

Hugs,
posie

Florence

Go to the bank. Find out what they will do for you. Then call the utility companies -- find out what they will tell you.

The likelihood is that they will tell you nothing if you're not on the account, unless you can verify his SSN and whatnot. Some companies aren't that tight with information. Some are.

I get why people are telling you what they're telling you -- I get why Al-Anon says what it does about letting go. Maybe I'm missing part of your story. But if you're married that is joint property and you have every right to it, and as a short term solution I don't see much wrong with getting access to an account that has YOUR money in it in order to get YOUR ducks in a row while your deadbeat abusive AH is in JAIL and you have kids to feed and a roof to keep over your head.

Sometimes I think we are encouraged to be so passive for the sake of serenity that we get talked out of being smart and proactive. I saw the serenity payer every day, but the serenity prayer doesn't pay the bills. To do that, I took control of my finances away from my AH, and got a second job in order to make sure I could make ends meet regardless of whether he's being a jerk. We need empowerment to have stakes in our own lives -- and the serenity prayer for when it is difficult and overwhelming. It often is.

That's just me. I'm not an Al-Anon die-hard. I am also a veteran of a relationship with a guy who was so controlling around money that he funneled hundreds of dollars off of me -- a teen mother at the time -- by manipulating information, lying, controlling, and gaming the system. Dude hasn't changed. Today he's funneling money off our teenage son, who is unable to do anything about it but watch, stew, and steam.

dandylion

Positivechange---I want to add to m y other post---piggybacking on what some others have said---call the domestic abuse hotline and ask to be connected to your most local center. They are set up to help you with these things. This is why they exist--and it is in complete confidence.

You need help, right now. There is help available--probably more than you imagine that there is.

I highly encourage you to call your local domestic violence center--and, just tell them your current situation over the phone.

dandylion

Florence

Yes, absolutely agreed. And what I suggested above? That's a short-term stopgap while you get from here to elsewhere.

Sending my love. You can do this.

positivechang

Thank you everyone!
Pippi, I am so sorry all that has happened to you. It is frighetening how similar our story sounds.
I know you understand the desperation in this, and how I really don't have money for a lawyer.

I will look into the sliding scale clinics though!
I have left voicemails for the domestic violence advocate everyday with no call back. I am appalled by the lack of urgency but that's a different issue.......

For security reasons, companies are not telling me much. I don't know his security pin or soc #.

I appreciate all the dialogue. these last two weeks have made me frazzled to say the least.

dandylion

Positivechange---call this number 1-800-799-SAFE.

dandylion

Upsetnneedhelp

I think the old saying, "two wrongs don't make a right" apply here. Also, the law is very black and white. The fact that you were a victim of domestic violence would not stop the State from charging you if you took his money.

Florence

If they're married, it's THEIR money.

Catherine628

I did not mean my advice to use al anon principles to come across as being passive. I left out huge portions of my story. I have kids, my AH was abusive. He is, or rather was a high earning big shot who controlled all finances. I pretty much changed my entire life. Moved, got a job, found a way to support the kids and I. I certainly don't advocate just sitting about saying the serenity prayer. I do support changing what you can. And for you that may or may not be his password. I did nor have a positive experience with the dv hotline but I kept looking and I am aware of other community resources. When I was in the middle of my debate about whether to go into his account and get money I found for me that my focus was still on him. I feel a whole lot better and empowered with the changes I have made in myself.

suki44883

No, not if she is not a signatory on the account. She wouldn't be allowed to walk into the bank and write a check for cash on his account if she weren't a signatory. Equally, she is not legally allowed to remove money from his personal account online just because she knows his password.

jaynie04

I had posted to you a few months ago about financial abuse in a marriage. If you are married and your husband is keeping all of the financial assets to himself leaving you helpless, it is a form of abuse. The funds might be in an account under his name, so what you do at this point is important, and as many posters have already indicated, could come into play in the future. Here is a website that deals with situations such as yours:

WomensLaw.org | Financial Abuse

The fact that joint marital assets are being held in his name only puts you in a very difficult situation. I know you have reached out to DV hotlines for help, it is really important to get local legal guidance on this. If you name is on bills (liabilities) but not on bank accounts (assets) you have all the downside going forward without being able to properly take care of responsibilities. Are the bills in your name? Do you have cash to pay for household expenses? Can you talk to the judge who is handling you case and give him a household budget with estimated items? Setting up a precedent now will show that you are able to run a household, it is not your fault your husband is behind bars! I am so sorry you are in this situation, I know laws are state by state, I hope you are able to get through to the DV line. You are not asking for something that you are not entitled to, you just need to go through the right channels to get it.

MissFixit

being married doesn't automatically make assets joint and money shared. there are many separate assets that don't work like that.

state laws come into play as well as contracts, pre-nups and post-nups.

being legal in the long term is the best way to go as you will have better standing should your actions be called into question later on (in court, divorce, he gets mad and files charges, etc...).

if the situation is dire in the short term, churches (at least the one i grew up in and the one i attended as an adult) help women with children if you speak with the minister or someone in admin to guide you. also, depending on where you live (rural vs city) the resources might be different. i have volunteered at soup kitchens and food banks and they are both accessible (i know not ideal, but in the short term they can help).

you have so much going on right now and lots of wild cards. urban areas have legal aid offices that go by different names, but they can give you help regarding legality of issues.

hugs

RhodeIsland

"are bills being paid?"

Contact those issuing the bills - no reason to access his account in an illegal manner. It's his, that's the reason it is in his name.

RhodeIsland

this crosses far into legal advice, and not even "he hit me legal advice" but "would this be financial fraud???" legal advice. We can't give that advice. I can't at least, other than "don't take what isn't yours"

Florence

Okay, I step back from my certainty about this. Don't listen to me! I'm probably in the wrong here.

My experience is that for guys controlling enough to do this, they will continue it unabated, blame you when it goes wrong, attack your character when you question him about it and the ethics of keeping money away from his wife and kids. If there's no right way to handle it -- and I say this as someone who always took the high, legal road -- do what works.

And earn your own money.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

FireSprite

Man, I can see all sides of this issue - black, white, all the grey...

Speaking with sincere honesty, I'm truly not sure what I would do. I'd like to think I'd take the "high road" in a lot of ways but I think my need to make sure my kids are provided for while I work on alternate solutions could be positively primal.

One question - are the bills themselves in your name? Ours would be so I'd be personally impacted by not knowing if they were being paid... not just in a sense of the possibility of discontinued service or eviction, but also as far as my future credit was concerned. If none of it was going to put me at greater future risk, I think I'd put all my efforts into finding a way out faster instead.

But I really, really don't know.

BlueSkies1

I think if I put a man in jail, that later he might want to retaliate against me in kind.
Depends upon the man of course. Or person, any person.
So...if he might get vindictive later, do you really want to set yourself up for that?
It might be a crime, is what I am saying. Without him adding your signature also to the account, or you receiving power of attorney.
Now you might be able to get him to agree to number 1. Or not.
Or you might get a court order for number 2, since he's locked up and you need to keep the household running.
Or not.
As I'm no lawyer.