ichabod

No, I do not believe that most alcoholics cheat. That's painting with too broad a brush.

bmf1978

As I said, he is struggling. He did outpatient rehab and goes to AA. And he will be doing inpatient soon, since he is still having trouble. I don't think that he, or anyone else, believe that strip clubs are helping him get sober.

resolute50

Hopefully the outpatient works for him.
IMO,struggling happens after quitting,not while you are still doing it.

bmf1978

So you can't be struggling whilst trying to quit? Whatever. He's trying and not doing well... and I'm well aware that he's not yet in recovery. Never said he was. I didn't come here to talk about my husband's failure. I asked a question about cheating.

FireSprite

No I don't think ALL alcoholics cheat - I agree that it's too broad of a statement to apply to an entire group of people. I do hear of it often in relation to alcoholism, but I've often found that those that cheat would do so/had done so even without adding alcohol to the mix. If, in your heart, you ARE a cheater then the alcohol could certainly make it easier to do so.

bmf - I think what resolute was trying to point out is that there is a difference between being unable to quit & struggling to stay quit. I truly don't believe he intended it to be taken so offensively, and really you DID ask about your husband's failure & how it ties in to cheating.... you lumped both together in the very title of your post. JMHO, no offense intended.

dandylion

No, I don't believe that ALL alcoholics cheat---But, a LOT of them do!

There are a lot of individual variables.

You don't have to worry about what all of them do--you just have to be concerned about what YOUR A does...LOL

dandylion

SparkleKitty

I can't speak for all alcoholics. I don't know that my XABF cheated in the concrete, adulterous, got-together-with-someone-else way. I do know that he carried on flirtatious conversations with other women over MySpace (this was several years ago, heh). Could any of those have led to cheating? Sure. Did they? I don't know.

My perspective on it is that he was ALWAYS searching out SOMETHING to fill the empty spaces. Booze, pot, porn, SOME kind of connection or validation...it was all wrapped up together in that need to escape, to validate, to prove, in some unfathomable twisted way, that he wasn't a loser. I did that for awhile until I stopped putting up with his BS and started putting myself first. Then he needed to get it elsewhere.

I hope beyond anything that someday, he figures out that the only thing that is ever going to fill that void inside him is self-acceptance. But I chose not to stick around and see.

resolute50

Sorry,didn't want to come across as judgmental.
It is a struggle no matter where you are in the process of sobriety.
I know.

shil2587

Yes. All alcoholics cheat on us. Just not always sexually. When they have a more dedicated relationship with booze than with us, isn't that cheating? Isn't that putting us way down on the list of priorities?
Whether he is cheating on you or not, visiting a strip club would scare me just as much because he's choosing, sober, to go there to picture himself with other women and to drink.

So sorry you are going through this. Sending you hugs.

soberhawk

I was not promiscuous when drinking, I do not think all are.

I think some get very extravert and outgoing when drinking but not everybody.

Remember to take care of yourself also bmf.

It is hard to worry about others and it can consume you. It is important for everybody's sake booth you and your loved ones that you do not forget your own needs.

I do hope the inpatient works for him and he finds his way out of this.

Take care and be strong.

Lynnrae2

My ex AB cheated constantly......I am convinced that not only is he a man of alcohol addiction, but also of sexual addiction.

True everyone is different, but I truly believe that a person of addiction can be addicted to almost everything and anything.

BoxinRotz

My husband has never cheated. He is even repulsed at porn. It's just not who he is but when he's with me... wow weeeeee. lol

He would rather have the ladies oogle him. He took pride in his body with the body building. He devoted 20 years of his life to transform himself in his first stint of sobriety. He put the bottle down and picked the weights up. He was proud and self taught, did shows and even loved when the guys would look n say, My God Dude... you're HUGE! He fed his ego a steady diet of iron. The alcohol stole it.

I was reading around on the internet about brain injuries because he suffered one. There was a study about how some people with brain injuries of the frontal lobe will lose their sexuallity and some will experience a super charged effect that will overcome them to the point where its uncontrollable. I am glad he hasn't experienced the latter. His brain injury injured his guy but time has been good to us as he's healed.

digdug

I don't think you can make any kind of broad, sweeping generalization, but it is definitely a fact that alcohol does lower inhibitions.

But in doing step work for my own recovery, I realized that I cheated on most of my exes. My mistress was alcohol. All of the sneaking around, lying and manipulation to protect my relationship with alcohol is, for all intents and purposes, equal to physical cheating with another person.

I had prided myself on the fact that I've never cheated on a gf with another woman. But my actions were having the same outcome and effect on these innocent women.

And then my sponsor reminded me that I had it backwards. Alcohol was my first love and that I was cheating on the bottle with my exes. That hit me like a ton of bricks.

spiderqueen

When my XA would profess his undying love and devotion to me while slurring words and nearly incoherent, I started getting this awful mental picture of a slutty woman rubbing his back in the background.

I finally realized that alcohol would always be able to make him feel better than I could - every time. When I broke up with him, I told him that I couldn't compete with his other love anymore.

Weird, I know. But it helped me recognize what I was up against, and that I wasn't up to the fight.

Seren

In my experience, it is treading on dangerous territory to paint any segment of society with a broad brush. My sister, grandfather, grandmother, uncle, etc. are all alcoholics and have never cheated (I would have heard about it through the family grapevine). My ex-husband is not an alcoholic, and he did cheat.

I hope your husband will truly decide to seek lasting recovery soon. I'm just so very sorry that his behavior has hurt you--I would be very upset if my husband went to strip clubs, without a doubt.

Ruby2

I don't think my husband has cheated on me. I believe that he has thought of it but not done it. Like Booo's, my husband is a porn addict. Less so lately.

As for me, very early in my drinking career I cheated and then became a serial monogamist. I have not, even while still drinking, cheated on my husband. That has been nine years.

bmf1978

Thank you for all of your responses. I'm sorry if I became defensive in reaction to some of them. It's a difficult time. I am hurt and I also hate seeing him in pain and out of control. And it's true - I've been cheated on before in the sexual sense. My husband's relationship with alcohol, it feels the same. Fortunately, I do feel like I can detach from him and his behavior quite a bit more than I used to be able to in other relationships...(years of therapy).

owathu

I never thought my STBXH would, but, he did, with bells on and a smile on his face.

We are no longer together, for obvious reasons.

Shadydeal

I think everyone is different and just bc you are an A doesn't mean you cheat! However, Based on my experience as it progresses one starts to loose all moral values! Most active A are totally self absorbed! Never in a million years did I think my XABF would ever be a cheater! I was so sadly mistaken! Heart broken but he was a professional. After all it helped feed his ego!

DoubleBarrel

A strip club is not a place to cheat. It's a place men go who are frustrated with their lives sexually. As many of the people in the industry say about the clubs, you're gonna get screwed, but you're not gonna get laid. The workers there are very crafty about milking as much cash from the pockets from lonely men as possible, while doing as little as they have to in the process.

If he were cheating, there are so many more options, including Internet escorts and massage parlors.

The strip club industry sells itself as a gentlemens club. Obviously it's far from that, but in the case of an alcoholic, it's probably an excuse to drink first of all, and act out sexually in a relatively safe way secondly.

As to cheating, alcohol increases libido, animal desires, and reduces inhibitions as well as standards, so cheating is a much easier thing for anyone in that condition.

Also, people in black out drunks do all kinds of things they would never do sober.

As for me, there is zero reason to go to a strip club in recovery. It's a dangerous place for me. It encourages unhealthy views of women, and they attempt to ply you with alcohol at every turn.