Do most alcoholics cheat?
 

I don't know if this question is answerable. I know that everyone is different. I have always thought of my alcoholic husband as someone who would never cheat. I've considered myself incredibly lucky in that respect, as I previously didn't really believe that faithful men existed. However, as he has attempted to become sober - struggling along the way - he will occasionally go to a strip club alone (4 or 5 times that I'm aware of), and get plastered there. As far as I know, this is a new thing...I feel like it's something that's developed as he has tried to curb his drinking. Now, I realize that going to strip clubs is not cheating. But it's the thought of him drunk and alone at this place that hurts and saddens me. It just doesn't seem like him. Our sex life isn't good, and I wonder if I could be a fool to think that he isn't cheating or won't cheat on me. Besides these several-hour benders (often when I'm angry with him for drinking), we are always together...he would spend every second with me if he could. I guess my question is - does cheating go hand in hand with alcoholism?

Some people seem to think so.

I can't speak for everyone because everyone id different. But for me, sadly, yes. After heavy drinking in blackouts. Stuff I don't like to think about, much less admit to. And yet another reason I don't drink anymore.

:cries3:

Though I have my trust issues, I've never doubted my A's faithfulness. But then, he's always been a drinker in isolation rather than a social one. Kinda hard to meet a blackout one night stand from the living room (not that I'm saying he would take the opportunity even if he had it).

I can't speak for everyone, but to me this is the same as "Do all men cheat?" Some of them do. Some of them don't. Maybe As do more often, but certainly not always.

Yeah, this was my XA. Doubt it could physically have happened. I did notice something interesting, though. Unlike 20 years ago when he had a long, sober stretch, as his alcoholism progressed, he started...leering, I guess, is the word? At any attractive woman, anywhere. He seemed unaware of it, got very confused, pissed and defensive if I tried to mention it. It was like some icky part of the lizard, hind brain was starting to take over the lovely, more evolved frontal lobe that used to dominate his behavior.

My take on worrying about an alcoholic cheating is this: Unchecked alcoholism MELTS YOUR BRAIN. It destroys everything rational, balanced, healthy and reasonable, cell by cell. Memory, judgement, even personality - all of it is compromised; hence the Jekyll/Hyde phenomenon. Trust Mr./Ms. Hyde at your peril.

IMO, a man doesn't go to a strip club just to look. He is looking to get lucky.

In his mind, it's "your fault," because of blah blah blah. (It's not, as you know.) The same predicate blaming mentality that "justifies" drinking is the same that's used for cheating.

Chronic alcoholism eats the mind. It impairs the prefrontal cortex, which controls behaviors such as inhibition of impulsive responses and moral judgment. Those with "wet brain" (see http://www.choosehelp.com/topics/alc...akoff-syndrome) tell huge lies.

That also explains why so many alcoholics are abusive. Some of us get to experience the trifecta of things that start with A: alcoholism, adultery, and abuse.

[QUOTE=spiderqueen;4329099]he started...leering, I guess, is the word? At any attractive woman, anywhere. He seemed unaware of it, got very confused, pissed and defensive if I tried to mention it. It was like some icky part of the lizard, hind brain was starting to take over the lovely, more evolved frontal lobe that used to dominate his behavior. [QUOTE]

When my A started leering at girls at the swimming pool who were 4 and 7, like they were strippers, and tried to fondle one before I jumped in to intervene, I knew it was time to get him out of the neighborhood asap.

hi

my exa cheated.

our entire relationship he would say cheating is the worst thing someone could do. he was paranoid i would cheat on him. i have never done that or given reason for anyone to think that of me.

i used to believe he wasn't capable of cheating. now i believe anyone is capable of pretty much anything given the right circumstances. and being drunk loosens those inhibitions dramatically.

My girlfriend has been cheated on, not the cheater. I have never ever doubted her faithfulness, and because I'm devoted to her and she knows it, she's never doubted mine. She is mainly a drinker in isolation too. And she has a reputation for hitting guys at bars if they approach her. But recently she made an insinuation about cheating in a blackout state when she got mad at me. And I asked myself the same question you're asking. I guess for me I don't want to find out the answer. :(

I never thought mine would, not in a million years. Then after 18 months sober, when I was out of town, he drank, used cheated, and lied to cover it up. Devastating. Was like he had all this debauchery bottled up inside and unleashed it when he had the "opportunity". Would never say they all do, but sexual acting out/regrets/etc is on all the addict behavior checklists :(

I thought my husband would never cheat.

It was actually the act of his infidelity (with a good friend of mine that I think might struggle with alcohol also), that finally got me dealing with the alcohol in the relationship.

Re-reading your post makes me want to answer that part of it. I don't think all people with alcohol problems cheat.

I do want to challenge you on something. You are questioning his behavior around alcohol, his relationship about strip clubs, and your sex life is less than what you would like.

I finally realized even without the cheating it was okay for me to say that I was unhappy in the relationship.....just because his drinking impacted me, and I was not having my needs met, that was enough. I did not have to wait until the cheating happened (I did, but I did not have to). I am grateful that finally got me moving, but I wish my self-preservation instinct had kicked in earlier.

I never met an active alcoholic that could be trusted and that is what makes relationships worthwhile in my opinion.

My first husband was addictive with cocaine as drug of choice followed very closely with cheating. He was curbed decades ago because that was a boundary I simply chose to enforce immediately.

My last relationship the drug of choice was alcohol and he was not a chronic cheater but still not a trustworthy individual and eventually I extricated myself from this toxic relationship too.

And in my opinion strip clubs are cheating! Men (and women) go there to stimulate themselves and if their partner is not into that scene and doesn't want to go then they have no business ogling naked women. Again, just my opinion but it is fact that porn and strip club addiction do not do anything positive in a marital relationship and can be very detrimental. I want my man to look at me and want me not be fantasizing about some 18 year old that had lots of surgery and danced with her boobs in his face a few hours ago! Yuck...

so Im reading all the responses to this post...and It looks to me like the answer is yes.

I don't believe my Xah was a cheater. He was a chronic porn addict (pre Internet) so with all his masterbaction i don't know where he would have found the time
once I know was turned down, once he told my best friend that he and I never had sex (bull hockey) god I got sick of the sex. I felt like a PROP during sex.
His rock bottom was being caught in the act of trying to get it up. Lol poor ******* was too drunk to get it up (or so he says) but I honestly don't think he cheated. Or I am totally blind.

Hard to say-
But in my experiences, if a person is not sober (which is more than just abstaining from alcohol consumption), their actions may be unpredictable and illogical. My alcoholic used alcohol as a means of quick gratification. Take that away, and it can switch to something else... Eating, sex, lack of eating, exercise, etc.

I don't think its a definite yes , but it certainly makes us do things we would never contemplate doing sober xx

My A cheated and that was what finally pushed me to take a long look at the state of our relationship and leave. I can relate to the leering thing too. When he was drinking heavily he would leer and make disgusting, degrading comments about women. This was so unlike the sober him.

My A was isolating himself and drinking heavily when he cheated. He had a secret phone he would text women on. I think the texting along with porn became another addiction. He physically abused me when I found the phone and confronted him. I am often in disbelief when I think of who he was when we met and who he was when I left. Sad.

And the lying, hiding, minimizing , etc. applied to the cheating too. And it was a full blown affair not just texting. Hard to believe given his hygiene and lack of function esp. in certain body parts.

My objective was to get drunk,not cheat.
And paying $8 a beer to watch "enhanced" women dance was not part of that equation.
To add insult to injury,the women are most likely more attracted to each other than any guy that visits these establishments anyways.:lmao

How does a strip club help anyone get sober? Is he going to AA or another treatment program? This sounds like quacking to me.