LifeRecovery

I was thinking reading these posts that a wise person said on here some time ago.

Not all people that struggle with alcohol cheat with another person.

Often though use of alcohol pulls a lot of energy from the person who struggles and those around him/her. This severely detracts from the relationship.

In other words it might not be cheating, but I think many people who struggle with drinking are having an affair with the bottle.

Booo

In Some states, or maybe in counties In some states , a full nudie bar is dry. No alcohol allowed. I don't even believe that men frustrated with their sex lives go.
They sure don't get any release there without getting thrown out/arrested.
I have known a lot of men getting a lot of action going just to see something different, because in their mind they are 12 years old and can't resist a strange set of boobies.
I don't go to the ice cream shoppe because I have no ice cream at home, I'd just like a different flavor now and again.
Ever see a Chippendales show? Wow, after one of those I think a lot of husbands got very lucky when their wives got home.
Sorry. I seem to have forgotten my point. HA!

Ixi

RABF's friend bought a private lapdance and got a happy ending thrown in... depends on the place, IMO. Sure, it's illegal, but there aren't cops in the champagne room. And if you need the money, it sure is a better way to get tips.

I see no problem with a guy going occasionally as a social thing, but going alone every night and getting drunk? Noooope.

Aeryn

IMO, a cheater is a cheater sober or drunk - same with abuse...my belief is alcohol may increase one's true personality (the negative aspects as well as the positive) but it doesn't change it. JMHO. That said well it depends on the boundaries in the marriage what cheating is I think.

As far as cheating...well even the definition of that term varies by the person. I have a friend who is still married but living separately and well he's been out exploring lets say...and he also did while they lived together - but so did his wife. And both know and still say they may one day work it all out. (And this is a NON ALCOHOLIC relationship I'm talking about...so would they still act like this if they were A's? Yes in my opinion but probably to a heavier extent) So really who am I to judge? They do their thing and me mine...I wouldn't like that situation but neither would have my XAH...so yeah whatever I guess....as long as the couple communicates it and agrees to it people do what they do or don't.

I dunno where that all came from it's just what the thread made me think of - often I wonder if couples don't communicate their boundaries - so a husband may think of the strip club as just a place (as in not cheating) where the wife may think differently - and each may have assumed the others boundaries...I don't know just some thoughts.

I have another friend who's H goes to the strip club with the guys a lot and she's ok with it. So yeah....no alcohol involved in that relationship either.

I do think alcohol complicates things -in a normal relationship you could talk it out - with an active A, those types of conversations are next to impossible in my experience.

Has my XAH been to strip clubs? Sure but only one during our marriage and he told me before he went - but that was us.

Gfs123

My husband is an alcoholic. I've been told a high functioning alcoholic He has cheated on me our whole time together. At first with co workers, people he ran into in bars. Now it's hookers. It's been hookers for the last 8 years or so. I used to be so hurt but then I realized he would have sex with anyone, it didn't matter who.

SnoozyQ

Why do you stay Gfs , not judging you at all , just curious as why ? I'm sure you deserve a lot more respect than that xx

********{hugs }}}}}}

Gfs123

Security? Money? He leaves me alone? I don't really know. It's too embarrassing? I'm 61 yrs old now. I feel like its too late for a change.

SnoozyQ

It's never too late ;-) .. Life is what we make it ...sounds corny , but its true . 61 isn't old , you could have 30 great years of happiness in you , with someone who loves your company xx :-)

SnoozyQ

I was married for over 25 years first time .... I was too scared to leave as got married to him at 17 , then had 4 children ...i thought that was my lot , but i finally plucked up the courage to leave . I have been with my 2nd husband 6 years and i never thought it was possible to feel this happy . You deserve it . Xxxxx i wish i had the courage to do it years ago.
I've had to start over , have less money , smaller house but when you get into your 50s , none of that matters to me anymore. I'm so happy to walk in my door every day to know there is someone that loves me . Money means nothing , i work in a rehab and after the things ive seen , i know if I want a happy life , i have to make it happen .

And honestly , it's not embarrassing..i did the same thing ..I'm far from embarrassed now . I really wish the best for you xxxx

Gfs123

My kids are on their own now and doing fine. And they love their dad. They also make excuses for him. They don't know their dad does the hookers tho. They just think he's a drunk.

Gfs123

At least I think they don't know about the hookers

clematis

I can't talk for the rest, but mine did it when he had enough to drink...

djayr

My XAW cheated. I think they get so used to lying about anything and everything, they already have a secret love affair with the bottle, it's easy to add an affair, especially if they have time on their hands, and a solicitous partner.

Aeryn

Hi GFS-

I just wanted to also say it is never ever too late. I'm quite a bit younger than you but I have seen several people on this board change at your age and older - ShootingStar would be a good person for you to talk to. You only have one life and every day is precious...and you are strong and can change if you want to...there is lots of support out there.

I left a 10 year marriage and I'm single living in my own place and I feel happy - you don't need man to be able to have serenity and start doing things you like with your life....the idea that marriage or a relationship is all life is about is crazy. I have plenty of relationships with friends co-workers and others...and I never thought I'd say this but I may not even be interested in marriage at this point in my life. I didn't realize how much I would enjoy being free to be myself and not tied to another person.

As for being embarrassed pretty much everyone in my life that I trust knows my XH is an A...and some were supportive and accepting and they are still in my life. The ones that "felt sorry" for me are out...and I don't care what they think - their condescending attitude is about them not me.

just my two cents in case it helps.

DesertEyes

My Mom was 79 when she married her third husband. She used to say that "Life starts at 80". He passed when she was 85. She moved into an assisted living facility all on her own and next thing I knew she had _two_ boyfriends. Each one of them over 90. I asked her if she was going to pick one over the other, she said "Why? I'm having too much fun. Maybe when I get too old I will."

Mike

SnoozyQ

Mike :-)
I loved reading that ;-)))) thank you .

Your Mum rocks lol xx

OnawaMiniya

I wrote a poem and posted it on here about alcohol as the main love and us as the "other woman"... I'll have to find it and link here, shil2587's response made me think of it. I just moved and don't have internet yet; I'm able to hop online via a nearby unsecured network that has a weak and intermittent signal so it kicks me offline a lot. I'll find it once I get internet hooked up, very soon.

Peace.

OnawaMiniya

Not trying to hijack the thread, but I'm glad you found this forum. Please keep posting here...

Sending lots of positive wishes your way. And big ********************{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}

Peace.

Edited to add: and about being embarrassed? You don't have to be embarrassed here.

Ixi

Your mother sounds amazing!

OnawaMiniya

It's a place men go who are frustrated with their lives sexually. As many of the people in the industry say about the clubs, you're gonna get screwed, but you're not gonna get laid. The workers there are very crafty about milking as much cash from the pockets from lonely men as possible, while doing as little as they have to in the process.

Women, too, get frustrated with their sex lives...and there is no equivalent for them to go to. Imo, male strip clubs are just not comparable. Of course, much of this has to do with broader, societal issues, and would be a whole other thread.

Also, if you consider selling your body and being objectified by often times crude, rude, sexist "clients" to be doing "as little as possible", I respectfully disagree. Believe me, I know that most (really, I want to say all, but I don't like to speak in absolutes) of the women working there have issues with self esteem, being abused, and much more. Unless they are thrust into that work because they are desperate for money...then they will likely develop emotional issues after being objectified and treated like...I don't even want to get descriptive.

I tend to not feel sorry for these "lonely" men in most cases. Join a club, take a class, etc. No need to incorporate objectification of women within a sexist infrastructure into alleviating "loneliness". If you're lonely, you want company. If you're trying to get off, you want nudity. I guess these are the same guys who read Playboy for the articles?

Edited to add: yeah...I wouldn't be ok with my man frequenting strip clubs, for reasons on many levels.