lillamy

I think that is going in my collection of quotes, too.

choublak

Why though?

BuffaloGal

Both quotes from psychiatrists:

"Can't you just love him unconditionally? " (Well, yes, I did/do love him unconditionally, but we were talking about being married to him, which is not the same thing. )

"Maybe your standards are too high. " (I'm quite sure the problems in our marriage didn't originate with my standards of spousal behavior. )

Lol, I had seven cats when we split up. He moved out, the cats stayed.

Ixi

Terrifying.

Hammer

That is an easy one.

Some folks wish to Co-dependent By Proxy.

With *us* as their proxy.

jarp

Why wouldn't they. I'm sure many (most?) of us here have thought the same thing at one time or another. I know I sure did!!

Ixi

I don't think normies fully appreciate that it's an addiction. They think it's like giving up chocolate. Or, maybe more accurately, they think it would be the same as if THEY (as a non-alcoholic) were giving up alcohol.

caboblanco

I didn't tell anyone about my alcoholism..but people on here have said, "Have you tried AA?"

Ellvk

My MIL (not necessarily a "normie, since she is the mother of an alcoholic) told me that she was concerned that if I didn't go to Alanon enough while AH was in treatment, that he might relapse.... because of my reactions to him.

He relapsed. Oops. My bad.
L

EternalQ

I guess I feel the opposite. I feel like friends and family of people addicted are in an untenable position. I truly don't know how they get through it. It must be a horrible rollercoaster and so scary. You must feel like you can't win for losing.

I know my alcohol had become like a substitute for family. It had become my lover, my partner in everything. It left no room for anyone. And it forbade me to listen to anything that hinted I should be disloyal to alcohol. If someone didn't like it, they were out. I don't know what anyone couldve done to help me honestly. The only thing that wouldve helped perhaps is if I'd known people in life who'd recovered and were happy.

I have a friend in my life who is severely alcoholic. Initially I thought my sobriety sxample was helping him. He said i was so at peace since i quit. He asked for how i did it. I gave him news of SR and books on RR, AVRT, Jack Trimpey, SMART, and offered to go to AA with him even though i dont use AA. He is in counseling.

But after all that he never even tried to stop drinking. Never went on SR. And even that little bit, got my hopes up that he'd try, and i felt really sad and helpless when he didnt.... which I'm sure is how he feels though he hides it from himself behind drinking.

So I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you. For all of you. God bless you.

We drinkers have to want to face it more than we want to escape our prison. And we know what to expect in prison.

mry

My mother told me that if I put out more, my AH wouldn't drink so much. And then he might buy me a new minivan since mine was going in for repairs. One of my sisters told me I lived a life of luxury (because I was taking my kids to the pool for swim lessons) and shouldn't complain about the drinking. She said as long as he is holding a job, he is just a problem drinker and I'm nagging the poor man when he is just trying to relax.

Stung

Aaaaaand this is exactly why I haven't told anyone besides AH's stupid ass friends and family and my mom. But even my mom has hit me with a few of those comments.

"Maybe you should just let him have 2 drinks a night, he is a man after all." After I told her he was getting up in the middle of the night and drinking whole bottles of red wine...which he doesn't even like.

"Most men wouldn't tolerate being bossed around by their wives. Maybe if you just lay off he'll stop on his own." I'm not bossing him around. In fact, he's trying to control me.

"Maybe he just needs to have a drink to relax and he drinks in his car by himself because he knows you'll tell him no." Damn straight I'll tell him no! If you're hiding something from your spouse that means you shouldn't be doing it. Period.

And a mommy friend told me I should leave. If we didnt't have kids, I would leave him in an instant. But it's really, really, really hard to uproot your kids and be a single parent indefinitely.