What is the most frustrating advice a normie has given re dealing with an alcoholic?
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What is the most frustrating advice a normie has given re dealing with an alcoholic?
Until I found this group I was often frustrated by advice given to me via normie friends and even professionals. They just don't get it do they?
Here are a few of the worst!
1) If he were mine, I would pour all the vodka down the drain!
(but whilst he has mental capacity/use credit card online, he would just get more)
2) You sound as if you have given up on him - I couldn't if he were mine and I had been married that long.
(I am trying to detach to keep myself sane!)
3) Have you tried talking to him?
(yes yes yes, but would get more sense out of Aslan and Lysander and they have 4 paws and a tail)
4) A 'good' woman could sort him out.
(Well I guess that makes me 'bad' because he has literally nearly driven me to suicide and right now I have to focus on my own survival).
5) You should leave him
(er...where do I go with 16 cats? Right now I am not in physical danger and it has ben an emotional abusive rather than physically abusive relationship - actually this maybe wasn't stupid advice just not practical for me! )
Here are a few of the worst!
1) If he were mine, I would pour all the vodka down the drain!
(but whilst he has mental capacity/use credit card online, he would just get more)
2) You sound as if you have given up on him - I couldn't if he were mine and I had been married that long.
(I am trying to detach to keep myself sane!)
3) Have you tried talking to him?
(yes yes yes, but would get more sense out of Aslan and Lysander and they have 4 paws and a tail)
4) A 'good' woman could sort him out.
(Well I guess that makes me 'bad' because he has literally nearly driven me to suicide and right now I have to focus on my own survival).
5) You should leave him
(er...where do I go with 16 cats? Right now I am not in physical danger and it has ben an emotional abusive rather than physically abusive relationship - actually this maybe wasn't stupid advice just not practical for me! )
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Mags 1 - you are very brave and I am sure it hasn't been easy and maybe still isn't but you have done it! Wishing you every happiness.
Taking 5,
We breed and show Wegies. My eldest is 14 - and my youngest partially hand reared are 18 months. All are neutered apart from my Grand Champion and her daughter. They all live indoors but we have enclosed part of garden to give them an outdoor run. I also have a rescue moggie who is nearly 15 and one maine coon - they are part off the 16! I only had 3 litters since 2008 and kept all the kittens, hence why I breed very very occasionally. We lost half the last litter but Penn nearly gave birth in my arms, and she did let me partially hand rear the kittens - her milk didn't come through for the first 4 or 5 days, but she did have them back and was a super mother - she is now neutered because I just couldn't put her or me through that again. Watching a kitten fade away in ones hand is sheer hell but thank god 2 survived and if I were allowed favourites (iam not) it would be that pair - 2 of my most tactile cats.
Taking 5,
We breed and show Wegies. My eldest is 14 - and my youngest partially hand reared are 18 months. All are neutered apart from my Grand Champion and her daughter. They all live indoors but we have enclosed part of garden to give them an outdoor run. I also have a rescue moggie who is nearly 15 and one maine coon - they are part off the 16! I only had 3 litters since 2008 and kept all the kittens, hence why I breed very very occasionally. We lost half the last litter but Penn nearly gave birth in my arms, and she did let me partially hand rear the kittens - her milk didn't come through for the first 4 or 5 days, but she did have them back and was a super mother - she is now neutered because I just couldn't put her or me through that again. Watching a kitten fade away in ones hand is sheer hell but thank god 2 survived and if I were allowed favourites (iam not) it would be that pair - 2 of my most tactile cats.
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Wow...16 is a bunch!
I was asked recently if i have told my ah how i feel about his drinking???
Well gee...let me see...no ive told him i love it...what do you think?? Ive dealt w this for YEARS...no...he has no idea how i feel...ha. People mean well but are clueless.
I was asked recently if i have told my ah how i feel about his drinking???
Well gee...let me see...no ive told him i love it...what do you think?? Ive dealt w this for YEARS...no...he has no idea how i feel...ha. People mean well but are clueless.
- Can live without a hubbie though 
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You should sit down with him and have a 'serious' conversation....
Cos all the other conversations we've had about his drinking have been light, and fun filled?
And you're assuming he's 'rational and logical'. The man is drlusion and functionally insane... Even when he hasn't been drinking that day (yet).
Cos all the other conversations we've had about his drinking have been light, and fun filled?
And you're assuming he's 'rational and logical'. The man is drlusion and functionally insane... Even when he hasn't been drinking that day (yet).
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Quish, I have been waiting for this!
here we go, and very few people even know.
Lets all do an intervention! Said my friend who was half in his own bag.
he probably does this because he needs to relax.
Can you take him to the Dr so the Dr can order him to quit?
It's a way of life with us (husband of my friend)
But it's really good wine, he can savor this one, says my friend the wine critic. LOL
would you leave him if his disease was Cancer?
ask him to stop doing it for YOU because it upsets YOU so much.
Why does it bother you? He does not hit you, It could be much worse.
Have you thought of drinking with him to control the bottle?
Can you give him a list of rules? this many drinks on these days and more on holidays?
He has been drunk with me and he's never a problem of course I am drunk too but have never seen a problem.
Maybe you are over reacting.
At least he drinks at home.
I enjoy his company when he drinks. (Said his mother)
A few of these of course I actually believed, 20 years ago with XRAH#1
here we go, and very few people even know.
Lets all do an intervention! Said my friend who was half in his own bag.
he probably does this because he needs to relax.
Can you take him to the Dr so the Dr can order him to quit?
It's a way of life with us (husband of my friend)
But it's really good wine, he can savor this one, says my friend the wine critic. LOL
would you leave him if his disease was Cancer?
ask him to stop doing it for YOU because it upsets YOU so much.
Why does it bother you? He does not hit you, It could be much worse.
Have you thought of drinking with him to control the bottle?
Can you give him a list of rules? this many drinks on these days and more on holidays?
He has been drunk with me and he's never a problem of course I am drunk too but have never seen a problem.
Maybe you are over reacting.
At least he drinks at home.
I enjoy his company when he drinks. (Said his mother)
A few of these of course I actually believed, 20 years ago with XRAH#1
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Thanks Booo - like you I believed quite of few of the comments and 'suggestions' after 22 years of marriage. 'They' just don't understand how hard it is for you, me and many on here in similar positions to 'detach' and a thoughtless comment can really drag us down. At the end of the day, we loved and maybe still love our husbands (to a degree) but eventually it becomes about OUR very survival. As one friend put it thankfully, if I didn't look after myself I would be of no use to AH or more importantly the cats! My weight went down to 6st 3 in April and I am 5ft 5 so that shows what thee stres level was like! Still struggling with 'detachment' but getting there!
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Oh I forgot one of the 'best'
Can't you ration his drinks? Let him have 3 drinks a day/
Er....he is 12st and I am just over half that and at the end of the day, he is an adult and I value my personal safety very much.
Another one
Just don't let him have ANY
Er....for him to go 'cold turkey' could kill him, given his 53 years of drinking.
Can't you ration his drinks? Let him have 3 drinks a day/
Er....he is 12st and I am just over half that and at the end of the day, he is an adult and I value my personal safety very much.
Another one
Just don't let him have ANY
Er....for him to go 'cold turkey' could kill him, given his 53 years of drinking.
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I love him so much it hurts. Sometimes I don't like him, but I love him. Sober, he is without fail the kindest human. I have ever met. Small ego, good heart, tons of patience. Alcohol squishes his motivation and clouds his judgement, thus the lack of money. I don't think he is selfish. I think his inner beast, however, is.
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"If it were me, I just wouldn't let him."
(Oooh, that's the ticket! Why didn't I think of that?)
"Just make sure there's nothing to drink in the house."
(OMG, you're right! That'll stop it...because if there's nothing to drink at home, the whole world has gone dry too?)
"Maybe if you ignore it, he'll stop because it isn't working."
(Ah, you mean he drank all these years to get my attention?)
"Something must be bothering him."
(And by "something", you mean me.)
And I hate, hate, hate how not hiding his alcoholism somehow gives them permission to analyze him, me, our kids, our marriage....??!!!
(Oooh, that's the ticket! Why didn't I think of that?)
"Just make sure there's nothing to drink in the house."
(OMG, you're right! That'll stop it...because if there's nothing to drink at home, the whole world has gone dry too?)
"Maybe if you ignore it, he'll stop because it isn't working."
(Ah, you mean he drank all these years to get my attention?)
"Something must be bothering him."
(And by "something", you mean me.)
And I hate, hate, hate how not hiding his alcoholism somehow gives them permission to analyze him, me, our kids, our marriage....??!!!
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Try talking to him in the morning before he starts drinking
Speak softly and slowly so he doesn't feel like your b****ing at him.
And my all time favorite
Well you used to have a drink with him and you quit because you thought he was out of control. Maybe if you would have 1 drink with him and stop he would follow your lead.
Speak softly and slowly so he doesn't feel like your b****ing at him.
And my all time favorite
Well you used to have a drink with him and you quit because you thought he was out of control. Maybe if you would have 1 drink with him and stop he would follow your lead.
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Booo made me laugh. Reading these is frustrating but I had a laugh. Drink with him to control the bottle. As an alcoholic myself I could get a mental picture of a fight over the last contents of the bottle. That is not funny but the advice is impractical. Normal drinkers will never ever understand the insatiable urge for more once started.
I'd probably have 16 cats too if I were by myself. I have two. One is like a small dog and follows me everywhere. She waits for me to get home at the end of the day.
I'd probably have 16 cats too if I were by myself. I have two. One is like a small dog and follows me everywhere. She waits for me to get home at the end of the day.
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Originally Posted by Booo 
I love him so much it hurts. Sometimes I don't like him, but I love him. Sober, he is without fail the kindest human. I have ever met. Small ego, good heart, tons of patience. Alcohol squishes his motivation and clouds his judgement, thus the lack of money. I don't think he is selfish. I think his inner beast, however, is.
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I covered so well for AXH that I never got any of those suggestions because nobody knew that he was an alcoholic -- apart from my two best friends who actually didn't give advice.
After I left him, though, my favorite one was "How can you leave him? Don't your marriage vows mean anything to you???"
That's when I was happy I had listened to wise people at SR. So that I could respond with "Yes. But I don't believe marriage is a suicide pact."
After I left him, though, my favorite one was "How can you leave him? Don't your marriage vows mean anything to you???"
That's when I was happy I had listened to wise people at SR. So that I could respond with "Yes. But I don't believe marriage is a suicide pact."
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"Your mom is so awesome, though! Maybe you just need to lighten up and have a drink with her." No, thanks.
"But she's your MOTHER. You can't just abandon her like that!" When I went No Contact. And for the record, she abandoned me first when she chose drinking over her own infant daughter.
"She will stay sober if you just let her talk to the kids. They are her only reason for living right now." %@$! You. I will never put the burden of responsibility for her recovery on my kids' shoulders, the way it was on mine as a child.
"But she's your MOTHER. You can't just abandon her like that!" When I went No Contact. And for the record, she abandoned me first when she chose drinking over her own infant daughter.
"She will stay sober if you just let her talk to the kids. They are her only reason for living right now." %@$! You. I will never put the burden of responsibility for her recovery on my kids' shoulders, the way it was on mine as a child.
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