So the cops just called
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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I appreciate your shares hopeful4, it really helps me to feel less alone in this.
I wish every newbie to the board would read this thread because this is a perfect example of how alcohol changes a person so deeply, so insidiously, that they become so unrecognizable even after 20 years together. Even though 13-14 of them were beautiful & happy & without any hint of what was to come.
When we codies make statements like "My A would never x, y, z...." we never really know. If he was as sober as he claims this is a testament to how sobriety alone doesn't resolve anything if you are still living with dry drunk type of behavior/thinking in the background.
The absolute irony is that he spent most of last night on the phone counseling his step-brother because he called in a flat panic over his wife's sudden shift of behavior over the last year. She's drinking excessively, not coming home, possessive over her cell phone, etc. All the classic red flags of "up to no good". I felt sorta good about how karma was using this conversation to help him understand my POV about our situation since it sounds so very similar. We talked a lot about it, a real grownup discussion, disagreeing over the advice that he gave his brother.
IDK what it is that makes him think he is a Billy Bad Azz, but he certainly got put in his place, eh?
My bigger hurdle is that tonight is Family Math Game Night at school so idk how DD is going to feel about attending after she hears the news.
I wish every newbie to the board would read this thread because this is a perfect example of how alcohol changes a person so deeply, so insidiously, that they become so unrecognizable even after 20 years together. Even though 13-14 of them were beautiful & happy & without any hint of what was to come.
When we codies make statements like "My A would never x, y, z...." we never really know. If he was as sober as he claims this is a testament to how sobriety alone doesn't resolve anything if you are still living with dry drunk type of behavior/thinking in the background.
The absolute irony is that he spent most of last night on the phone counseling his step-brother because he called in a flat panic over his wife's sudden shift of behavior over the last year. She's drinking excessively, not coming home, possessive over her cell phone, etc. All the classic red flags of "up to no good". I felt sorta good about how karma was using this conversation to help him understand my POV about our situation since it sounds so very similar. We talked a lot about it, a real grownup discussion, disagreeing over the advice that he gave his brother.
IDK what it is that makes him think he is a Billy Bad Azz, but he certainly got put in his place, eh?
My bigger hurdle is that tonight is Family Math Game Night at school so idk how DD is going to feel about attending after she hears the news.
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Sounds like a teaching moment. A bloody tough lesson in detachment. How to carry on live your best life no matter what others are doing. Yeah, it sucks that such a young child has to have that lesson. On the other hand, she will be a stronger person for it.
FWIW, it seems to me that the addiction is still very much in control of him, whether he is consuming or not. The grandiosity of thinking he could get away with such a thing is definitely the addiction talking. So sorry you are in the middle of it.
L
FWIW, it seems to me that the addiction is still very much in control of him, whether he is consuming or not. The grandiosity of thinking he could get away with such a thing is definitely the addiction talking. So sorry you are in the middle of it.
L
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Daughter's sorrows are just beginning.
The Firearm part is likely a Mandatory Time Felony?
The neighbor that was broke-in -- do they have kids? This will rumor through school like a wild fire.
Some kids maybe "banned" from associating with her, and some will make a point of being an @ss.
She is the one I would be concerned for.
I suppose bail is not going to happen?
The Firearm part is likely a Mandatory Time Felony?
The neighbor that was broke-in -- do they have kids? This will rumor through school like a wild fire.
Some kids maybe "banned" from associating with her, and some will make a point of being an @ss.
She is the one I would be concerned for.
I suppose bail is not going to happen?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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The Firearm part is likely a Mandatory Time Felony? No clue.... I am assuming so. Did a smidge of internet searching & it looks like a possible 5-yr sentence.
The neighbor that was broke-in -- do they have kids? This will rumor through school like a wild fire. Yes, but older, out of school. DD attends school a good distance from our neighborhood, luckily. Some kids maybe "banned" from associating with her, and some will make a point of being an @ss.
She is the one I would be concerned for. Me too, that's the part tearing at me. I *was* her when MY dad went to federal prison for a yr for a felony drug distribution charge, but I was older by a few years. I'm having the WORST flashbacks today.
I suppose bail is not going to happen? Absolutely not, unless he decides to ask someone else to post it. We discussed this after his DUI - it's a hard boundary for me, I WILL NOT post bail for stupidity.
Still waiting for them to finish booking him I think because his mugshot hasn't shown up under today's arrests online. The officer that called warned me it would take HOURS because he had a lengthy report to file. No telling how long it'll be after that before he calls anyway, if at all. He HAS to know how po'd I am.
In the meantime, I found an interactive crime map on our sheriff's dept website (who knew??) that shows not one but TWO houses in our neighborhood reported break ins hours apart on the same day. Coinky-dinky? Not thinkin' so.....
LTD - I totally agree, his addiction is certainly in the driver's seat here, with or without the presence of alcohol/drugs.
The neighbor that was broke-in -- do they have kids? This will rumor through school like a wild fire. Yes, but older, out of school. DD attends school a good distance from our neighborhood, luckily. Some kids maybe "banned" from associating with her, and some will make a point of being an @ss.
She is the one I would be concerned for. Me too, that's the part tearing at me. I *was* her when MY dad went to federal prison for a yr for a felony drug distribution charge, but I was older by a few years. I'm having the WORST flashbacks today.
I suppose bail is not going to happen? Absolutely not, unless he decides to ask someone else to post it. We discussed this after his DUI - it's a hard boundary for me, I WILL NOT post bail for stupidity.
Still waiting for them to finish booking him I think because his mugshot hasn't shown up under today's arrests online. The officer that called warned me it would take HOURS because he had a lengthy report to file. No telling how long it'll be after that before he calls anyway, if at all. He HAS to know how po'd I am.
In the meantime, I found an interactive crime map on our sheriff's dept website (who knew??) that shows not one but TWO houses in our neighborhood reported break ins hours apart on the same day. Coinky-dinky? Not thinkin' so.....
LTD - I totally agree, his addiction is certainly in the driver's seat here, with or without the presence of alcohol/drugs.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
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Originally Posted by FireSprite 
Me too, that's the part tearing at me. I *was* her when MY dad went to federal prison for a yr for a felony drug distribution charge, but I was older by a few years. I'm having the WORST flashbacks today.
Do something special for yourself tonight (after math night.) Even if it's just a bubble bath and a good book (or a good cry.) I'm sorry the men in your life are selfish addicts. You deserve so much better than this.
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My issues are more about covering my arse to pay bills, downsize, etc. in order to keep a roof over DD's head. I will need to make some hard & fast decisions in the next few days to avoid major financial issues in the near future.
Big hugs. You're going to be OK.
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I can understand the flashbacks. I can't count how many times things that were important to me were disrupted by my alcoholic father's behavior when I was a child. It seemed that nearly every time I was looking forward to something it ended up not happening because of something he did. I unwittingly carried this mentality into my marriage and my children's lives. Everything revolves around the alcoholic.
I do hope you are able to attend math night if it's important to your daughter. Please don't allow his reckless, selfish behavior overwhelm the things that are important to her. I wish I could come to math night with the two of you!
L
I do hope you are able to attend math night if it's important to your daughter. Please don't allow his reckless, selfish behavior overwhelm the things that are important to her. I wish I could come to math night with the two of you!
L
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
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Firesprite, I am sorry for your daughter's and your loss. It sounds like he may be gone for a long while. Between that and the neighbor, moving/downsizing may be an option, although it is another change for DD. I appreciate what lillamy said about the upsizing of the peace of mind.
I'm saying a prayer for you.
I'm saying a prayer for you.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Indiana, IL
Posts: 424
My heart goes out to you. The police were at my house asking, or should I demanding answers regarding my sons action. I told them I would not speak with them unless I am with an attorney and will not allow them in my house without a search warrant. My son is also dealing with a gun charge.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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hi
i am very sorry for you and your daughter.
until the rug gets pulled out and we get blindsided by the a, no one thinks it will happen to them or even be an option. i was blindsided too years ago and it took me a long time to accept that muchof whati thought was our life was actually a tangle of lies and misdirections.
when i read posts from newcomers that are defensive and say their a isnt that bad, my thought is not that bad yet that you know of. it always gets worse unless they have a total recovery pacticed daily. no one wants to hear that.
it is a cunning and baffling disease.
i am very sorry for you and your daughter.
until the rug gets pulled out and we get blindsided by the a, no one thinks it will happen to them or even be an option. i was blindsided too years ago and it took me a long time to accept that muchof whati thought was our life was actually a tangle of lies and misdirections.
when i read posts from newcomers that are defensive and say their a isnt that bad, my thought is not that bad yet that you know of. it always gets worse unless they have a total recovery pacticed daily. no one wants to hear that.
it is a cunning and baffling disease.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
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Hi Firesprite,
I am so sorry for you and your daughter. This totally stinks and I only imagine the shock you are feeling. Nothing like being blindsided. Take care and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I am so sorry for you and your daughter. This totally stinks and I only imagine the shock you are feeling. Nothing like being blindsided. Take care and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Yes, we managed Math Night. DD barely missed a beat with all of it, you would never know a single thing was wrong with her.
I can hold a poker face over insignificant stuff but not when it comes to the REAL stuff in life, so I knew that I would never get away with faking it through Math Night & filling DD in later. When I picked her up I gave her the option of hearing it now or later, with the reminder that there was nothing that she could do about any of it but yes, it involved why dad couldn't make it at the last minute.
She opted for now, took it well, albeit as shocked as I was. Then she said, "Well, mom, as much as I hate to say it because it's not like I *want* him in jail, but, you know, he definitely deserves it on some level, right? I mean, all the secrets and whatnot alone... it gets kind of hard to know WHAT to believe after a while."
Love this kid. Sometimes her maturity blows me away - I learn so much watching her just living life in action when I slow down to catch the lesson/rhythm.
So we made Math Night. Felt oddly normal - odd because I am never comfortable at the school with all the soccer moms (sorry, we have an overload) but this was a cool event & then at the very end I ended up talking to the dad of one of her friends. His wife passed from cancer about a year & a half ago. {HP alert, perspective anyone? Yes, thank you, I see it...} Turns out we don't live too far apart & his DD is just as starved for playdates as DD has been. That has been something I've been working on trying to figure out for her for a long time, it fell right into our laps.
He called on our way home & I can't even remember all of it - the problem when you spew a bunch of lies for so long is that even when you start telling the truth it's impossible to tell the difference. Right after we hung up his bandmate showed for a practice they had scheduled & the poor guy! I could not find the words to even begin to explain what I didn't understand so it just bubbled out like a verbal fountain. I apologized at least 3x & explained that he had the unfortunate luck of being the very first adult I spoke to since this all began this morning, with the exception of you all.
I'm still a bit stunned, it feels surreal like a movie vs. my life, but I'm also exhausted. I can't control it nor do I care to try and I won't know anything, really, until tomorrow anyway. I'm taking my melatonin & turning in soon.
Thank you ALL for your well wishes, I appreciate it more than you know!
I can hold a poker face over insignificant stuff but not when it comes to the REAL stuff in life, so I knew that I would never get away with faking it through Math Night & filling DD in later. When I picked her up I gave her the option of hearing it now or later, with the reminder that there was nothing that she could do about any of it but yes, it involved why dad couldn't make it at the last minute.
She opted for now, took it well, albeit as shocked as I was. Then she said, "Well, mom, as much as I hate to say it because it's not like I *want* him in jail, but, you know, he definitely deserves it on some level, right? I mean, all the secrets and whatnot alone... it gets kind of hard to know WHAT to believe after a while."
Love this kid. Sometimes her maturity blows me away - I learn so much watching her just living life in action when I slow down to catch the lesson/rhythm.
So we made Math Night. Felt oddly normal - odd because I am never comfortable at the school with all the soccer moms (sorry, we have an overload) but this was a cool event & then at the very end I ended up talking to the dad of one of her friends. His wife passed from cancer about a year & a half ago. {HP alert, perspective anyone? Yes, thank you, I see it...} Turns out we don't live too far apart & his DD is just as starved for playdates as DD has been. That has been something I've been working on trying to figure out for her for a long time, it fell right into our laps.
He called on our way home & I can't even remember all of it - the problem when you spew a bunch of lies for so long is that even when you start telling the truth it's impossible to tell the difference. Right after we hung up his bandmate showed for a practice they had scheduled & the poor guy! I could not find the words to even begin to explain what I didn't understand so it just bubbled out like a verbal fountain. I apologized at least 3x & explained that he had the unfortunate luck of being the very first adult I spoke to since this all began this morning, with the exception of you all.
I'm still a bit stunned, it feels surreal like a movie vs. my life, but I'm also exhausted. I can't control it nor do I care to try and I won't know anything, really, until tomorrow anyway. I'm taking my melatonin & turning in soon.
Thank you ALL for your well wishes, I appreciate it more than you know!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I'm SO sorry you're going through this, but glad to hear your daughter did okay. Is she old enough for Alateen? Peer support may help her. As for your neighbor's, remember that YOU are not guilty of a crime. Try to keep your head up, don't take on unnecessary guilt. I know easier said than done, I just hate for you to take the brunt of someone else's actions. Thinking of you and wishing you peace....
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Firesprite, you are incredibly strong. Your daughter is amazing too! I am just blown away by both of your perspectives on this. I'm sure it's going to be difficult at times, but you'll both make it through and come out better on the other side. xoxoxo
Thinking of you,
Readerbaby
Thinking of you,
Readerbaby
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
Firesprite, I'm so sorry you have to experience this.
It is incredible how much alcoholism changes people. Everyone asks me, "didn't you know AH had a problem?" and I never, ever would have guessed for the first 7 years of our relationship. We adored each other. And now, I feel like that man has died, and I am stuck attempting to "co-parent" with an angry, irrational ghost. I agree, this is a very valuable thread for newcomers.
Sending you thoughts of strength and peace.
It is incredible how much alcoholism changes people. Everyone asks me, "didn't you know AH had a problem?" and I never, ever would have guessed for the first 7 years of our relationship. We adored each other. And now, I feel like that man has died, and I am stuck attempting to "co-parent" with an angry, irrational ghost. I agree, this is a very valuable thread for newcomers.
Sending you thoughts of strength and peace.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 166
Firesprite,
I just saw this thread. I am so sorry you and your DD are going through this. It is horrible how selfish and self absorbed the A is. I remember back in my naitevity thinking sobriety was the answer to it all. Sadly, it seems more often than not it is a dry drunk and they are really no different. Take care of YOU and your girl and forget his BS. As hard as it is for me....allow natural consequences. I agree with the previous post about seeking legal advise?? Especially if this may come back on you in any way.
I just saw this thread. I am so sorry you and your DD are going through this. It is horrible how selfish and self absorbed the A is. I remember back in my naitevity thinking sobriety was the answer to it all. Sadly, it seems more often than not it is a dry drunk and they are really no different. Take care of YOU and your girl and forget his BS. As hard as it is for me....allow natural consequences. I agree with the previous post about seeking legal advise?? Especially if this may come back on you in any way.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I'll second and third any suggestion for you to seek legal advice to protect yourself against whatever it is your husband may have done....
All will be well in the end, FireSprite. May not be what you thought it would be, but it will be well! Sending hugs and hugs and prayers to you and DD.
All will be well in the end, FireSprite. May not be what you thought it would be, but it will be well! Sending hugs and hugs and prayers to you and DD.
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